Yo, I'm Abarai renji, the best shinigami in the world. But even the best have their days. Mine just happened to be getting drunk and then streaking naked through soul society. Unfortunately, I'm not so stealthy when I've had a few drinks, so my captain caught me and as punishment I had to write for the new paper here, the soul society times. How is that punishment, you say? Well let me just start at the beginning here.
One day, yachiru was bored and figured she wasn't busy enough. So she decided to start a paper, this thing she heard about in the real world. But the rules state that if any shinigami wishes to start an association of any sort, they must consult the soutaichou. He didn't really think it was a good idea but partly because soul society needed more associations (they only have one and a half- the men's only counts as half since we can't be bothered to organize any real meetings) and mostly because he feared what kenpachi would do to him if he said no, he granted yachiru her paper.
Yachiru had to hire workers, though. It first started out by having people volunteer. Kenny (obviously) was the first to volunteer because he feared nobody else would. Shortly thereafter ikkaku, yumichika, and maki-maki volunteered because they feared what Kenny would do if nobody else would. After them was nanao and rangiku, who volunteered because they feared if nobody else volunteered she'd get bored and start putting more time into harassing the shinigami women's association.
But nobody else wanted to be a part of that. So I guess it just started to become a punishment. The first to be sent there was (no surprise) shuhei. He was forced into it because he "accidentally" burned down half of soul society. After him followed kira, for sneezing and blowing up the fifth, and kurosaki, because nobody thinks he's a shinigami and they pin their faults on him. Rukia killed five people because they wouldn't tell them where her rabbit chappy was. Turns out he's in her room, in his cage where he always is, but that's beside the point.
But anyways, everybody got cool columns, like hottest shinigami woman of the week or Hueco Mundo fight specialist. Even being a photographer like Rukia would be better than this. But no. I got stuck with the only column left… that's right. The dreaded "ask" column. So now I have to write this dumb column that appears weekly on Mondays, in the soul society times.
In my column, "ask renji," I can give advice to any of the shinigami in soul society, or any of you, the humans in the real world, if you review and tell me about your problems (I didn't want to say this but the editor made me). I will give you advice on whatever you need to know, just be sure to read it the next Monday!!
Dear renji,
My slave for doing work in my division and letting me take my anger out on he- I mean… daughter. That's it. Daughter. Anyways, she is being very disobedient, and I don't know how to get her to do what I tell her to, and I don't know what to do.
-Perplexed parent
Dear sucker,
Beat her. Duh. If your child disobeys you and you yell at it, it'll roll its eyes and go about doing work. But if someone does something and then they're beaten and bruised until they wish they were dead, they won't do it again.
-renji
Dear renji,
Is it okay for one girl to love another girl? And how do I get her to love me back? Cos I really like this girl that used to be in my division, and I think she's turned off by my strength and assertiveness.
-confused
Dear Lesbian,
Of course it's okay for a girl to love another girl. As long as there's a man watching. And you should take this girl to the sixth division and make out with her. That'll get her to love you back.
Dear renji,
My boobs are huge and my taichou keeps staring at my chest, and it's beginning to creep me out. What should I do?
-DDilemma
Dear big boobs,
You sue for sexual harassment.
-renji
Dear renji,
My lieutenant always walks around my division with her shirt off and always pitches a fit and claims I stare at her breasts, yet she doesn't consider the fact that, perhaps, I'm just short and her breasts are at my eye level.
-Short and angry
Dear Grumpy,
Wow, at least we know which one of the dwarfs you are. You should sue for sexual harassment.
-renji
Dear renji,
I think I might be gay. I mean, my zampakuto is cherry blossoms for crying out loud. And I also have a crush on my lieutenant. What should I do?
- Gay or nay
Dear freak,
If you are gay that's good for you but we don't want to know about it. Especially your lieutenant.
-renji