When you're gone
Summary: Claire reflects on how she views the people in her life after Peter and Nathan flew up into the sky. Post Season Finale.
I
always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there
when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the
bed where you lie is made up on your side
It's 100 kinds of wrong, so why does it feel so right?
My dad and my…Peter are gone. My dad still doesn't sound right when I'm referring to Nathan Petrelli, but I don't know what else I could call him besides the obvious Mr. Petrelli etc.
It's so surreal; sometimes I don't even believe that it happened. I'll wake up and I'll be back in the car with Peter bantering over something stupid or about how Peyton and Lucas should have never gotten together on One Tree Hill.
Peter was never an uncle to me; I never wanted him to be my uncle. I knew there was always something different about our relationship, but it took watching him about to self destruct to make me realize what that actually was.
Weird or whatever, I was in love with my Uncle.
When
you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much
I need you right now
It's weird. When he was here and he wanted me out of the city, I wanted to get away from him. I ran away from him and he got hurt, and then…I don't even like thinking about that day, I try to forget it the best I can. I actually considered asking the Haitian to take my memories, but then I remembered what had happened to my mom.
My memories from that day are so vivid, and they haunt me in my sleep. It makes me wonder if I can ever function at a full capacity ever again. I'm dying inside, and no one even knows what I'm going through, except maybe my "dad".
When he came back down, after abandoning his brother, the love of my life, he wouldn't even look me in the eye. Maybe he could feel the heat radiating from my glare as he slowly stood up, rubbing soot off of his pants. He was fine, physically, a few burns here and there, but he would live. He would live because he had flown away from his brother in his time of need. He had tried to be a hero and had ended up being a failure.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
When
you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
I go through the 'what if's' in my head everyday. What if I could have convinced them to go to Paris I was supposed to, but to bring him with me? What if we had put him in some sort of protective cell or something? Why did we have to let him go? Why did we let him try to be the hero?!
I was looking for my phone today, I wanted to call my dad again, to try to cheer him up, again. Even though I know it's useless and I'll just start crying again as soon as I hang up, I still need to do it. But then I remembered that Peter still had my phone…
I hope I never see another sidekick for as long as I live.
When
you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
I'm afraid, that years from now, I won't even be able to remember what his face looked like. How cute he looked when his bangs would fall in his eyes and he would blow them back out of the way… I really do love him, and it is impossible to imagine life without him.
It's more than the way I love my real family, Lyle, Mom, and Dad, and it's more than I love Nathan. It's different and it's special and I know it's real, even if it's wrong.
But even if Peter was still here, he would probably never talk to me again after what I said to him in the car when I spotted Nathan.
"you lied to me Peter, I trusted you"
The look of hurt in his eyes almost broke my spirit but I knew I couldn't react the way I wanted to. He wouldn't understand that I didn't love him like I should, that I loved him more than I should. More than I've ever loved anyone, more than I knew how to give him.
But given the chance, I would have told him. I would have just said "fuck it" and told him. If we were going to die, if I would have known that I was going to loose him, than I would have said it no matter what the circumstances would be afterwards.
I have the strangest dreams now, Peter is always running through the streets, hands glowing red while screaming my name. I don't know where they're coming from, but I feel like they are trying to tell me something. I would think that seeing his face, even in a dream, would be comforting, but it's not. It just reminds me of what I've lost.
When
you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the
day and make it ok
I miss you
I miss him…
I've
never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
My Dad knows I'm unhappy here, my adopted dad, he must know because all I ever do is stay in my room and sing. The same song, over and over again. It's pretty obvious what message I'm trying to send. He probably thinks I miss Nathan and Angela, but I think not!
He abandoned me, they both abandoned me, everyone abandoned me. Then they wonder why I'm upset. He let me go with Angela and my real father, against my wishes to try to "protect me". Well look where it got me. I can't be hurt physically and yet they tried to "protect me". I don't understand where their logic was coming from. I could have been with Peter, maybe with me being close to him I could've been able to…
No. I'm not going down that route again. He's dead, I need to get over it, but I just can't stop crying...
And
the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just
like you, I love the things that you do
At least I can now say that the congressman, not that he is much of one at the moment, has a heart down in there somewhere. That night when I told him to stand by his brother, he did, partially, against his mothers wishes. It's just too bad that I had to throw reality in their faces to get him to snap back into reality.
He knew that Peter would wish he was dead if he was responsible for the deaths of thousands of people, and he knew that his brother would never recover from the guilt. We both knew it; Peter was just that kind of person. If he hurt a bug he would probably apologize like crazy, he was just that kind of big hearted person.
It wasn't like I even wanted to go with the Petrelli's, but they didn't even care about me once the threat was over. Angela claimed that she wanted to be a "real family" but that didn't mean much since she was willing to sacrifice her own son's sanity, possibly both son's, just to make her feel a little more secure.
When
you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much
I need you right now
I know I'll never forget our last moments together when he asked me to pull the trigger. I pointed the gun and aimed, but my hand was shaking so bad that I couldn't pull the trigger. I knew he couldn't die, but he wanted me to aim to kill. I couldn't kill the man I loved, even if he didn't know that was why I couldn't kill me. I opened my mouth to tell him, but nothing would come out. Tears trickled down my cheeks as my hand wavered on the trigger, knowing I wouldn't shoot.
I think I would have passed out had Nathan not landed there in that moment, my hands were shaking and my legs were weak. It was the only time when I was actually relieved to see him. He seemed so brave, so…suicidal, I guess would be the best way to describe it.
"I
can't let you die" Peter whispered to his brother "and I
can't let everyone else" Nathan said confidently, as he looked
back at Claire.
"You saved the cheerleader, so we could save the world"
"I
love you Nathan" Peter said quietly "I love you too"
Nathan replied
When
you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're
gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're
gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and
make it ok
I miss you
It was then that I finally understood what love was, and I think he did too
We
were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
My memories after that are blurry. I remember falling to the ground in my father's arms, crying. But other than that, I don't remember anything except waking up the next morning in my room in Odessa and knowing that a piece of my heart was gone.
All
I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my
heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with
me, yeah
Pieces that I knew would be hard, if not impossible, to reappear.
When Peter didn't come back, a part of me died up there with him.
AN: I love Paire, even if some people think it's wrong. Idc really, I think they are so cute together and that they are a totally believable couple