Suzaku Kururugi – Major Dummy
Written by WDCain Man

Disclaimer: Code Geass – Lelouch of the Rebellion is not mine. It's created by Sunrise and licensed by Bandai Entertainment with characters created by Clamp.

Summery: How dumb is Suzaku? Dumb enough to look the Emperor in the eye to tell him he's there to kill him knowing Charles has a Geass. That's how dumb. Reference to South Park included.

I don't like Suzaku. Instead of writing another massive paper denouncing him for his many, many, many, many faults, I'm just going to write a short fanfic really showcasing just how dumb Suzaku is. I can't recall which specific episode this was. Here's the time frame, Cornelia is still a captive of Lelouch and the Chinese Geass Order temple has been trashed. So enjoy!

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Suzaku Kururugi – Major Dummy
By WDCain
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Lelouch put on his Zero mask as he left Cornelia's detention cell. It was enjoyable watching the Witch of Britainnia squirm like a worm on a hook in his presence. But all good things had to come to an end. Lelouch had other matters to deal with. One such matter was Tohdoh's progress report.

"Zero," Tohdoh saluted. "It has come to my attention that another person of interest was taken captive at that facility: A Knight of the Round."

"Bismach?" Lelouch hoped, without him and Cornelia than Britainnian's only real strategist would be Schneizel and Lelouch knew he could handle him.

"Kururugi," Tohdoh spoke forcefully, keeping his voice carefully neutral over his traitorous student and countryman.

"Suzaku… captured?" Zero whispered, astonished by his good fortune. "That's excellent news, Tohdoh. Suzaku is potentially more powerful than even Bismach. His confinement will only strengthen Japan. But tell me, who it was that brought him down? With Q1 still imprison, I was not aware we had another pilot that could rival the Lancelot's own."

"No, Zero. He was not captured in combat at all. He was found near the command room unconscious."

"What?" Zero asked. "Suzaku was found… asleep on duty?"

Tohdoh shook his head. "No, Zero. A search of the surveillance room revealed interesting footage from an hour before we attacked. It appears that he was in the act of…" Tohdoh seem to struggle with saying the rest. "…the act of assassinating Emperor Charles."

Zero was silent for just a moment, trying to wrap up the mystery behind the traitor's actions of the last few days. "Tohdoh, Kururugi was behind the Beijing Bombings a few days ago, was he not?"

"The bombings Prime Minister Schneizel ordered after Odysseus was injured while you abducted the Chinese Empress?" he summarized the previous events. "Even after its rioters surrendered, Suzaku decimated Beijing."

The 'Live' command he branded Suzaku with. That was the only explanation why he would massacre the citizens. Schneizel packed the Lancelot with enough bombs for a scorched-earth scenario and when Suzaku refused the order, he was given an ultimatum: Follow his orders or face a dishonorable discharge, which for a Knight of the Round was an automatic death penalty. That was when the geass kicked in and made Suzaku wiped out an entire city.

And the outcome of that massive graveyard was Suzaku embracing the nasty method he once condemned Zero for. Perhaps he would join the Black Knights now.

"I need to see the footage, Tohdoh." Zero ordered. "I need to know if this discourse has spread throughout all the Knights of the Round." A masterful lie, as always.

"Of course." Tohdoh produced a Black Knight iPad and uploaded the footage for his commander to see.

The first moment showed Suzaku, in the crisp and clean white uniform he sold his best friend for, decapitating one Royal Guardsman with a broadsword in a single stroke and drop-kicking another before disemboweling him effortlessly. The duel executions were masterfully preformed with surgeon-like precision. Tohdoh and especially Zero were struck by the perfectly controlled executions Suzaku committed.

"You are an excellent teacher, Tohdoh." Zero praised the man while still watching Suzaku carve up his father's royal guard.

"He was, and will ever shall be, my greatest student. And my greatest shame." Tohdoh spoke evenly in that way that drove Chiba wild.

Suzaku's carnage continued as a third Royal Guardsman split in twain at the waist, joining his comrades as another corpse. Yet even at this gruesome slaughter, the Britannian Emperor remained as calm as ever.

"Was this treason Schneizel's idea?" he asked, straight-face and unconcerned.

"It was my decision, Your Majesty." Suzaku said coldly and leveled his sword. "I appreciate your patronage… that cannot be questioned." He edged closer. "But you are guilty of two crimes."

"Oh?" The impassive monarch raised an eyebrow.

"First abandoning your responsibility as Emperor… and second," Suzaku raised his sword overhead to cleave the Britannian Emperor down the middle. "Dirtying your hands with the power of Geass!" Suzaku spat the last word like it left a bad taste.

Charles ignored the immediate attempt on his life and stood still to ask, "Is that a capital crime?"

Zero shuddered as he saw the exact same rage he saw in Suzaku's eyes on Kamine Island return as he stared down the man who made both their lives hell.

"Geass takes good men and bends them to evil!" Suzaku hissed. "You knew that! You could have saved Euphie! It would have been so easy but instead you abandoned her!"

"So what?"

Zero grimaced as that brought back a terrible memory when he first realized what a heartless monster his father was. Lelouch wasn't alone in his anger as he saw even Suzaku growled. He had finally realized what a horrible mistake he made serving Charles.

"You also drove Lelouch and Nunnally away!" He yelled, raising his sword in a bushido stance instead of Britainnian swordsmanship. "Their despair is in this sword!"

"The Guard of the Hawk," Tohdoh looked on approvingly, pleased that his lessons were remembered.

Watching this did Lelouch realize that Suzaku had finally returned to the brave and heroic young person he remembered from his childhood. But there was something… off. Something not right about this that kept Lelouch from feeling pride over his greatest enemy was now following in his path. He studied the footage closer as Suzaku rushed the King.

"DIE!" Suzaku cried, leaping high with his holy blade poised to smite evil, staring down the devil.

That's when it hit Lelouch: Suzaku was making eye contact with the Emperor.

'Oh Suzaku, you goddamn dumbass.'

Of that, there was no doubt.

Tohdoh had no idea what he was watching; but somehow Suzaku suddenly froze in the middle of his attack for a tick and sprawled down on the ground face first. The Emperor scoffed at the now helpless assassin before walking off. He left a few words of wisdom before his departure.

"A man who slewed his own father and betrayed his best friend, I suppose this was inevitable." Charles voice then dropped to an even deeper growl. "Now to undo my traitorous brother as well."

That statement drew a dangerous reaction from Tohdoh. "Suzaku killed Prime Minister Kururugi?!" The anger was quite a change from the normally stoic general. He looked prepared to throttle him, much less accept Suzaku into the Black Knights.

Lelouch dropped that idea too. "Tohdoh, go over all the captured materials and assign as necessary then see that Xingke opens communications between us and the EU forces."

"Understood, Zero." Tohdoh grimaced, unhappy over not being able to vent his frustrations on his wayward student. "Where will you be then?"

"To see Kururugi, of course." Zero strode off, leaving the general to his assignment. He didn't want to explain the particulars of Geass to him at the moment. Right now, he was curious to see the rewrite Father implanted in Suzaku's personality.

He was such a peculiar case. As a youngling, there was no one Lelouch admired more. But now because of his own stubbornness and short-sightedness, Suzaku had enslaved dozens of countries and for what? To become Knight of One, the Emperor's most elite flunky? What then? Doesn't Suzaku realize what would happen if he did achieve his goal?

Suzaku had no charisma, no powerbase, no leadership experience, not even a high school diploma. He would only make multiple extreme rulings that would only be 'enforced' on paper at best and at worst plunge Area 11 into fiscal anarchy and social strife.

The only thing Suzaku Kururugi was good at was being an attack dog.

He became Britainnia's instead of serving his country, he became Charles instead of aiding his only friend, and now he had become Schneizel's instead of Zero. Now all that was left was to go to his cell and see how much brain damage Charles inflicted.

Approaching the brig was strange. He didn't keep Cornelia down here for fear that a rambunctious soldier would take out his vengeance on her. She was safely locked away not too far from where his quarters were. Suzaku would not be so fortunate. His name was so despised by every enemy of Britainnia that a harsh confinement was a sure bet.

And sure enough, the Black Knight's resident hothead, Tamaki, exited Suzaku's cell. Yet to Zero's surprise, instead of rubbing bloody knuckles or snorting disdainfully, Tamaki looked bewildered, confused, and even shell-shocked.

"Tamaki, what is this?" Zero boomed dangerously. He didn't need Suzaku to die because of some overzealous idiot.

"Eh-I…" Tamaki stammered, fidgeting his belt buckle. "…I think Suzaku tried to have sex with me…"

'Oh boy…' Lelouch fought the urge to rip off his helmet and use it as a vomit bucket. 'Father, I never knew you had such a sense of humor.'

"Ze-Zero…" Tamaki stammered like a frightened child. "Eh-I don't th-think you should g-go in there! H-he might… he might… he might just rape you!"

'With Father's Geass, the possibilities are endless.' Lelouch grimaced before answering. "Ignore Kururugi, Tamaki. His deviancy is common knowledge and therefore should not even be discussed." The statement meant to calm only flooded Tamaki with anger.

"Are you kidding me?!" Tamaki snapped. "I'm going to tell everyone onboard what a sick freak he is!" And with that he ran off before Lelouch could open his eye-slot and geass him.

Lelouch sighed and slacked his shoulders, an unbecoming pose for the avatar of rebellion, but still braced himself for what was waiting for him in the holding cells. Thus he opened the door and stepped in to see the horror.

"Sucky sucky, five dollar?"

'Oh, it was much worst than I though.' Charles had rewrote all of Suzaku's memories to make him think he was a Vietnamese prostitute named Mei-Ling.

Lelouch palmed his head from the massive headache. "How can this possible get any worst?"

Suzaku started doing pelvic thrusts. "Hey, Hey! Soldier boy? Soldier boy! Me so horny! Me love you long time!"

"I had to ask." Lelouch groaned, the sound amplified as a wonky sound effect.

He should call Jeremiah up there. His Geass Canceller would set the boy's mind right. Despite being his enemy, despite selling out Japan, Suzaku was still a human being and no one, not even the Knight of Betrayal, deserves to have all his dignity ripped from him. Even though Suzaku personally invaded country after country, stripping them of their dignity and pride, leaving him like this did no good.

That was why he needed to call Jeremiah. As much as he hated it, and boy did he ever, it was the right thing to do.

Lelouch turned to welcome Suzaku into the Black Knights but stopped to groan. Suzaku was pressing his family jewels against his glass cage and flicking his tongue. "Sucky sucky, five dollar?"

"Oh the hell with it." Lelouch chuckled and did a 180 to leave. Just in time because Ohgi was asking to head to the hanger. If he stayed any longer he would have fell over laughing.

His smile immediately stopped when he saw all his crew aiming at him.

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Many months passed for Suzaku the Vietnamese prostitute. After Rolo saved Lelouch from the Black Knights, Kururugi found himself released back to Britainnia. Schneizel had convinced Ohgi and his staff that Suzaku was no less a victim then they were. They released the mentally mucked-up hooker into the custody of the Britainnian prince.

Schneizel went to great efforts to keep Suzaku safe. It amazed both the Black Knights and the Britainnian forces how the prince treated his failed assassin, but the royal seemed intent that Suzaku was provided for. Of course, this didn't mean he was a freeloader.

Schneizel would later admit that it was the best sex of his life.

The prince even saw to it that he was kept within well means. All his financial matters were resolved from a bi-weekly check deposited into his account. It was quite comfortable and Suzaku no longer needed to suck off creepy guys behind liquor stores. Not that it stopped him.

Unfortunately for Suzaku, and the world if you think about it, Emperor Lelouch came to power. All of Schneizel's holdings and tides to property were confiscated thus having Suzaku thrown out on his ass. In a sad attempt, Gino and a now Marianne-free Anya tried to coax him into joining them against Lelouch's forces. They promptly left after Suzaku asked Gino to pee in his butthole.

They left in disgust. Tragically for them as the two stood no chance against a geassed Bismach, Monica, Dorothea, and Nonnette. Not surprisingly, Schneizel's army was defeated and he was cast in iron shackles. This left Suzaku, or 'Mei-Ling' as he liked being called now, back on the streets giving blow jobs for eggs and bacon.

Suzaku was making his daily dues in the Shinjuku slums when the Demon Emperor was struck down by Zero. To the rest of the world, it was a magnanimous time of celebration. But to 'Mei-Ling'? What can be said but: "Sucky sucky, five dollar?"

So remember: If you're going to kill someone with Geass, never tell them so while looking them in the eye.

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The End
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Suzaku's attempted assassination on Charles was the first time in the entire series that I thought he was really cool. It was a shame it came so late in the series but the guy finally had me rooting for him. This was a huge departure for the rest of the series which relegated Suzaku into one of my absolutely most hated characters. I'm not going to list all my grievances with the character. I just decided to do a little crack fic.

There were some liberties taken. I even thought about having South Park being directly referenced by Charles before the mindwipe but I really doubt that an oppressive country wouldn't allow such a show to air. Also, with regards to the identity of the Zero that struck down Emperor Lelouch? Uh… I don't know. I couldn't really think how that would work so I ignored it. Like I said, this is a crack fic so I don't have to explain what I really can't.

One problem I couldn't ignore was Suzaku not wearing eye protection on Kamine Island. I mean, he knows about Geass. He knows it depends on eye-to-eye contact. He knows the King as one. And he knows Schneizel has eye-wear that can block the power. So what does Suzaku do? He strands perfectly still and tells the guy he's going to kill him. Really, Suzaku deserves to be mindwiped into a girl prostitute just for being so stupid.

So I hope you all read and review!