Feelings are too complicated in our own minds and hearts and souls to even express clearly with words, sometimes art even. When one is in a depressing tranquilty state, where you accept your depression not as a close friend but as yourself, yet you don't let it stop you from daily things. When one feels this way, this peaceful surrender of shocking pleasantness. The surprise that half of what people say about the other side is sometimes not true, but rather a educated guess of a lie. This feeling that one feels, that I feel, i can describe with words in an artform of artistic thoughts of moments put together, rather than words and their meanings.
I imagine living out in the forest, up in the mountains during the spring. It's early in the morning, maybe it's in the middle of the day, doesn't matter. It's grey clouds covering the sky and showing any sign of the sun to give color to my world. It's raining outside and the heat is on, I'm listening to my faovrited ear of aesthetic, my faovrite music. usually it's some type of Hip-Hop or some Joji Miller. I'm alone because my nephew is at his Mom's house, my parents are at work, my step brother isn't home yet from work, he works all nighters. I make myself some eggs with toast, maybe some bacon too if we have it, and hot chocolate or coffee, or chocolate coffee(My special coffee where I mix hot chocolate mix with black coffee because we usually don't have creamer). I'm silent. I don't speak, it's blissful. Our family pup is somewhere in the house either on her bed or eatting out on the porch outside, unless I bring her food and water bowl inside because it's too cold out for her. If I make bacon I give her a strip because I love that dog, even if she doesn't listen well, I knwo she tries like me.
Now that the setting is taken place, it's time you get more information on this feeling I talk about, guiding you in understanding the only thing that I feel most of the time. Talking is just something everyone does, nothing unique, besides I hate my voice and wish people would accept me being mute or selectively mute, rather than having to talk or voice my own opinion. The silence that comes from me, a voice that is dengenerate and gone, sprinkled with the light sounds of the rain outside and colored with grey frosting of neutral calmness. A cake of self-hate and self-respect.
"I hate you, but damn do I respect you for not being a big fucking douche."
I give myself this vibe in the day when I'm alone because I don't understand myself fully not even Google Chrome can help me with this daily trouble that I have, not even a therapist could help me with what I've got bad. just think about laying in bed or being productive and making yourself some grub while feeling the nice heated air of your home and hearing Mother Nature's tears give mroe life to plants that are near death and ill, feel that nuetral calamity of tranquilty. Time and space being at a standstill giving you a chance to not feel stress and go through life's flow.
Never mind dudes, I failed at this.
I already typed up a lot for what I usually go for when it comes to typing a non-senior related thing. So I suppose I could just publish this still.
I mean yeah It's a perosnal thing to me but really, who cares?
-Benji F