Have you ever made a mistake that just could never be fixed?
Well, I did. And, well, its really hard for me to tell anyone this, much less a page in a book. But here it goes.
I remember when she first showed up. I could have sworn she was… but no, she wasn't Kikyo. She was her own person, and for a while, I hated her for it. Why did she have to be who she was? I could remember the last time I had ever seen Kikyo. To everyone else, it was a generation ago, but to me…. Well, fifty years pass pretty fast when you are in a magical torpor. It felt like I just blinked, and there I was, in another time.
You can't possibly know what it is like to lose time like that. It's like I missed out on something that everyone else had, and it's strange. I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up to everyone else. And just when I get to the point where I think I know what is going on, something comes around to throw me through a loop. I cant even get across how vulnerable that makes me and I hate to be vulnerable.
The biggest thing, though, was Kagome. Its hard to care deeply for one woman, and I am cursed to be in love with two. I know she cares-or rather, cared, for me. I know I could have turned to her completely and been happy for the rest of our lives. It makes me happy just to think about it. I mean, I could even imagine having a family with her. A family… Love, life, kids, even. And I wanted to have all that with her, I wanted it so badly.
But I promised Kikyo so many things. Big things. And I am nothing without my honor, and honor dictates following an oath, right? I did the right thing… Besides, it was a bad situation. If I don't fulfill my promise to Kikyo, then Kagome could probably never trust me to honor any promises I made to her. That would be a ringing endorsement of myself-break one promise to go after something that I simply want for selfish reasons.
Right about now, I wish I had no honor.
Well, Kagome was so patient. And caring. And kind. She never complained for her own sake when it really counted. She was the first person who cried for me with such honest eyes. I was a better person for just having known her. She was a better person period. I wanted to give her what she asked me for so much… not that she ever put voice to her feelings, but she did ask silently for one thing. Me. She never demanded.
And I was a fool to do what I did.
It wasn't any one thing, really. She would leave for her time for whatever reason and I would get lonely. Normally, I would follow her when it got to aching too much, but when I would do that… well, sometimes as I was on my way to that well, I would see those soul collectors.
And go figure. I cant stay away from Kikyo, no matter how much I try to force myself to do so. I knew it was wrong to keep seeing her but… well, its hard when you still love someone, even when you love someone else more. And its not exactly easy to fall out of love. Remember what I said about fifty years in the blink of an eye? When I went under the spell, I still loved her. And when I came back to myself, I loved her just the same. And Kagome had this tendency to come back at the most awkward of times. I swear, I never meant it to look the way it did when she saw us. Each time I saw Kikyo, I was working closer and closer to forfeiting my self worth and honor in order to run to Kagome's arms.
Kagome… well, Kagome, I loved differently than Kikyo. More. Infuriatingly. She brought out my anger, my fear, and my hunger. I don't think I love Kikyo any less, but Kagome had me by the strings almost from the beginning. I really think she would have taken me had I offered myself soon enough, regardless of whether I broke my promise.
It all sort of built up. I mean, my repeated rendezvous at night with Kikyo, even though nothing happened between us, was really the thing that made it culminate. I would get defensive, Kagome got mad. She would storm off after a fight with me, and I would tell her to remain in her own time where she belonged. I never meant it though. And I think she knew that. She would cool off after a while and I would too, and soon enough it was as it had always been.
Then Kikyo would show up and there it started, all over again.
Well, I guess that somehow she had finally had enough. And she left. It was different this time, though. No yelling. No fights. She simply bade everyone goodbye one night after our evening meal and walked toward the well. I followed, of course. I yelled… I don't remember what I said. The thing I really remember was her face when she looked back at me. Her eyes were threatening to overflow with tears and her cheeks were ruddy with held in emotion.
Like I said, I cant remember what I said, but I do remember what she told me.
"I'm going home, Inuyasha. I'm going."
I think I tried to get her to stop. I must have said something like I was going to follow her, or bring her back. And this is when she shook her head and I saw some of those tears fall free. I don't think I will ever forget her next words.
"No, Inuyasha. You stay. I'm done. I cant do this anymore, and I have to go. I have to go. I don't have the strength to do this twice. Please don't follow me." She scrubbed angrily at her eyes but her voice was all defeat. "Stay."
After that, all there was in that clearing was a fading blue light and I could have sworn I saw jagged pieces of myself in the refraction. I cracked, I think. I don't know how I got to where I am now, but I found myself here at the hut. Normally, I would be ashamed to admit that I was sobbing like a child when I came to, but not this time. I know Kaede was here but the others had gone to do whatever it is they do when we are at the village. I must have been crouched on the floor of the hut for hours, insensible to the world.
I don't even know who might have seen me. I don't even care at this point. Sometime during my pain a sheaf of paper appeared along with ink and a pen. I think Kaede might have been responsible. I don't know what made me start writing this. I will probably burn it when I am done. My weakness is my own to bear. And I don't need another failure to add to my list.
I don't think I should have even written this down.
OOO
Inuyasha put the pen down beside the paper with deliberate precision. To those who did not know him, he looked composed and serene, but any of his companions would have been able to see the red tint to the sclera of his eyes and the minute quiver that attacked his lip every now and then. With a grunt of effort so light it was inaudible, he came up from his crouch and looked around. He was in the center of the floor, alone and half dressed, the red pants his only thing covering his modesty. His eyes flickered over to the fire that burned in a tiny lamp that Kaede, once again, must have laid out for him while he was not himself.
He took a step toward it, but as he moved he felt exhaustion overwhelm his body. His eyes drooped and his shoulders sagged. The emotional drain was becoming too much for an already overstressed young man.
He let himself collapse back down by the paper. Amber eyes closed of their own accord. "I'll take care of you when I wake up," he murmured sluggishly at the papers, and then knew only the darkness of sleep.
A pair of bright eyes peered in from the flap that served as the door. Their gaze landed on the paper on the floor beneath the spill of silver hair.
There was a rustle as the owner of the eyes passed quietly through the entrance. A light crackle as the paper was lifted. Then there was no noise in the room but the silent breathing of the half demon as he fell so deeply asleep that he could not have known that his secret had just walked out of the room.
OOO
Should I continue? I wrote this listening to the song "Stay" by Sugarland. It didn't come out the way I thought it would, because it was supposed to be an angsty one-shot. I suppose it could standalone but I also think it could continue.
Also, I wrote this up in about 30 minutes so I know some of it has to feel rushed. And one day I will go back to working on my original novel….
Any comments?
Again, thank you for taking the time to read it.