The Misadventures of the Sparkler!

by Minnionette

...and that was when Edward realized he had made his superhero debut at Port Angelus’s only gay bar.

TITLE - THE MISADVENTURES OF THE SPARKLER!
FANDOM & CATEGORY - Twilight; humor
PAIRING(S) - none
RATING - PG-13
WARNINGS - crack!fic
SUMMARY - Only Alice could have predicted the appearance of a caped wonder in Port Angelus after Edward combined Marvel comics with his daily dose of Prozac.
NOTES: I wish I had someone to blame this on, but it's really just the byproduct of my sick and demented imagination. :( Much love and kudos to my own caped wonder in life, my lovable roommate and occasional partner in crack, acacia59601 - who is also to blame for the summary. :D (She wonders where I come up with this stuff; I'm thinking it was the combination of my roommate watching far too much Smallville these past two weeks, and then our watching Twilight on DVD this afternoon.)

---

It began as a normal day in the Cullens' household. And then Alice realized that there would be unrest amongst the natives.

"Hey!" yelled Rosalie. "Who ran off with my nylons?"

"Where's the tablecloth and my old straw Easter bonnet?" Esme wondered.

Carlisle came from his study. "Has anyone seen my collection of surgical masks?"

Jasper sighed. "I'm missing my leather vest and speedo."

Emmett, following at the heels of Rosalie, said, "Someone got into my mint-condition, first-edition Green Lantern and Wonder Woman comic collection and wrinkled the pages!"

Alice grinned from ear to ear until she looked out the windows. "Uh oh," she said succinctly. Her idea of taking pictures and blackmailing Edward was foiled by the bright sunshine outside.

Esme looked worriedly at Carlisle. "I thought the Prozac wasn't supposed to start working for the next few weeks."

*\o_o/*

Edward carefully balanced on top of the light post, ignoring the varying incredulous looks people sent him as they passed below. He was comfortably hiding his identity behind Carlisle's surgical mask and Esme's Easter bonnet, confident in his skills of detecting and evading any approaching authority of police and psychiatric specialists. Somewhere out there were people in desperate need of his special abilities.

The bare skin of his arms and chest sparkled like diamonds in the sun, just like the sequins on his costume also sparkled. It was a good disguise. Everyone thought his skin was covered with lots of body glitter and that he had somehow escaped from the freak sideshow of a circus. (Edward made a mental note to speak to that person at a later time about the casual cruelty of such thoughts in regards to unfortunate people.) He sifted through various minds and floating thoughts until one – a cry for help! – attracted his attention.

Hi-hoh Sparkly, away! he cried mentally, leaping spectacularly from the light post and dashing (slowly) through the streets, following the sobbing thoughts of a person desperately pleading for help. He barely looked at the exterior of the bar into which he dashed headlong. There was a knot of men in the center of the room, legs kicking, arms flailing, fists smashing, and cries of pain and threatening shouts ringing in the air. Without hesitating, Edward waded through the mess of men.

"What are you-" Edward silence the protester with a light suckerpunch in the gut, which doubled over the man. Another person he stilled with a single glancing elbow to the side. He ducked under someone and planted a hand firmly against the bonnet so it couldn't be ripped off his head.

Within moments, Edward had unraveled the tangled knot.

"Oh, my hero!" cried the beautiful young woman whose desperate thoughts of help he had espied in the first place. Then she threw her arms around his neck and plastered his face with lipstick-coated kisses, and Edward realized that the woman was not, in fact a woman.

He tried to pry himself loose, but the crossdresser merely tightened his questionable grip and hoisted his legs to wrap them around Edward's waist. "Unhand me!" Edward finally cried, trying to extract himself without inflicting pain.

"Who are you, my dear caped wonder?" the crossdresser asked with a flutter of long, fake eyelashes.

Edward finally managed to wiggle free. At the question, though, he struck his carefully-practiced to-be-trademarked pose (one hand pointing gracefully in the air, the other curled in a fist and pressed against his hip – he had spent several afternoons practicing in front of Rosalie's full-length mirror to make sure he got it just right), and announced to the world in general, "I am the Sparkler! Call my name anytime in the bright sunlight, and I shall be there in an instant to save you from trouble!"

And then he took a closer look at the admiring thoughts of the men surrounding him as they studied him wearing Rosalie's nylons (which already had a run in them – oh shoot, he was so dead), Jasper's speedo and black leather vest, Esme's green-and-brown checkered tablecloth that doubled up as his cape, and that was when Edward realized he had made his superhero debut at Port Angelus's only gay bar.

He quickly vacated the premises when the surrounding thoughts quickly took a nosedive into the gutter and started handing out condoms.

*\o_o/*

There was a little old lady trying to cross the street – just the sort of little old lady, hunched over from age and her gnarled hands grasping the wooden cane at her side, that were clearly meant to have superhero help.

"Allow me!" Edward offered gallantly, grabbing her arm.

She looked startled. "What?"

And then he had her hoisted over one broad shoulder as he dashed helter-skelter through the traffic to the other side of the street. He gently set her on the ground, and was then quite shocked when she firmly thumped him over the head with her cane. "I was waiting for the damn bus!" she cried. "Now take me back where I was and leave me there!"

Edward meekly did as she had commanded.

*\o_o/*

It was the smack of flesh against flesh that first informed Edward that something was amiss, before a large man came dashing out of the alley. Edward stuck his arm straight out and the man ran into it and bounced off, much like he would have if he had run headlong into a brick wall. Then Edward picked him up and shook him like a sack of potatoes, until the wallet the man had snatched dropped out of his hand.

"Return that to its proper owner," Edward said firmly.

The man who had been mugged earlier carefully peeked around the edge of the alley, blanched when he saw Edward sparkling in the sunlight, and inched backwards. "No, man, that's okay," he mumbled.

"Nonsense," Edward said. "It was stolen from you, and you will also receive an apology from this young man." He shook the nefarious mugger once again, and then dropped him on the pavement.

"Yeah," muttered the mugger. "Apology, right." Then he turned in a flash and stabbed Edward with a hidden switchblade.

The blade squeaked and bent nearly in half as it skidded across Edward's flesh. The mugger dropped the switchblade as if it had burned him and he backpedaled from Edward so fast that he stumbled over his feet. "What the hell are you?" the mugger cried.

Edward instantly went into his superhero pose. "I am the Sparkler! I guard the defenseless, dispense justice for the wronged, and punish the evildoers such as yourself!"

"Dude, are we on candid camera?" the victim asked.

The mugger snatched up the wallet and held it out to the victim. "Here you go," he said, casting a nervous glance at Edward.

Edward crossed his arms and looked stern, which wasn't really all that impressive with Carlisle's surgical mask and Esme's Easter bonnet. "Shake hands now, and swear never to do it again."

The mugger and the victim barely touched fingertips together before the mugger turned on his heel and bolted, a mumbled apology on his lips. The victim looked wild-eyed at Edward, and then ran after the mugger.

"Don't leave me alone with him!" the victim cried.

Edward decided he would just ignore their ungrateful thoughts, and went off in search of more justice to dispense.

*\o_o/*

Esme, Alice, and Rosalie, bundled in enough layers of scarves that the sunlight could not penetrate, piled into Rosalie's Mustang. Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper watched in trepidation as they drove away.

"What the hell is Edward up to?" Emmett demanded.

Carlisle sighed. "I thought giving him the Prozac would improve his mood and keep him from being so mopey, but I see now that it worked too well."

"Yeah," Jasper said. "A happy and optimistic Edward is a very frightful thing, indeed. You don't have to be Alice to know that he was eventually going to snap."

"It seemed like such a good idea at the time," Carlisle grumbled.

*\o_o/*

"Nice puppy," Edward said gently as he carried the full-grown Great Dane in his arms. It whimpered in terror. Edward knocked on the door, which creaked open a crack. "Good day, Ma'am," he said brightly, "I am returning your lost," he glanced quickly at the Great Dane's tags, "Snookums. No reward needed; just doing my job as your friendly, helpful, local superhero." He struck his pose. "Just remember. When the daylight glimmers and the sun is bright, I, the Sparkler, am always looking after your needs! Although I would like to add that you should remember to spay or neuter your pets, and I see that you must have forgotten to neuter Snookums. If you are unable to afford the treatment, fear not – I can do it in your kitchen!"

"That's nice," said the person on the other side of the door, "but Snookums goes to #108 South Rodkins – this is North Rodkins." Then the door shut with a muttered, "Flaming idiot!"

Edward looked at Snookums. Snookums curled his tail under and whimpered again.

*\o_o/*

"Hey!" Edward struck his trademark pose. "I saw you stealing that candy from that baby! Give it back!" And then, to the flabbergasted mother, Edward said, "You do realize that feeding a toddler candy is instilling bad nutritional habits, and that you may very well be contributing to early developmental tooth decay?"

The baby took one look at Edward and burst into tears.

*\o_o/*

The library patron glanced nervously at Edward, who stood scowling disapprovingly at the gaggle of girls who were speaking in more than whisper. Then the patron resumed searching through his pockets until he finally found enough change to cover his overdue library fines.

*\o_o/*

Esme, Alice, and Rosalie finally discovered Edward on a nice little suburbia street where he stood preaching to a small group of impeccably-dressed Mormons on the evils of trespassing. They looked as if they wanted to string Edward up by his cape made of Esme's tablecloth and forcefully exorcise him.

"Edward!" Esme cried in dismay when she exited the car. "What are you doing?"

Rosalie rolled her window down and stuck her head through it. "Are those my nylons?" she demanded hotly. "Oh, you had better have a good explanation for running off in my nice nylons!"

Alice rolled down the back window and concentrated on taking pictures.

"I am the Sparkler!" Edward cried, going into his special pose. "I am a superhero who fights for truth and justice!"

Rosalie snorted. "You're a few colors short of a full Fourth of July display, is what you are."

Esme grabbed Edward by the ear. "Have you been running around Port Angelus in this ridiculous getup all day?"

Edward looked nervous. "Um, yes?"

Esme turned to the Mormons. "I apologize for my son's behavior," she said. "He's had far too much medication."

One of the Mormons nodded her head in understanding. "I see," she said in a soft voice, though she still eyed Edward like he was the devil, "we shall pray for him."

"He's going to need it," Esme muttered darkly before dragging Edward back to the car.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Alice," Edward muttered as Esme stuffed him in the backseat. "I do not fill out Jasper's speedo better than he does."

"Where to?" Rosalie asked as Esme seated herself in the front passenger seat.

"Alaska," Esme replied. She cast a wicked look over her shoulder at Edward, who sunk down and sulked. "As far away from any civilization Edward feels may be in desperate need of truth and justice. And maybe by the time we return to Washington, everyone will have forgotten about the Caped Sparkly Wonder back there."

*\o_o/*

Twenty some-odd years later…

Carlisle pulled Edward to the side shortly after examining Bella Swan following the incident involving a certain runaway van. "Edward," he said in a low voice, "this had better not have anything to do with the caped wonder known as the Sparkler. You were supposed to have given that up."

Edward felt like sinking through the floor. "No, sir. I've burned my cape – my hero days are over."

Carlisle patted him on the shoulder and smiled. "Good boy. But you know how much Esme loved that tablecloth."

FINIS