I counted three hundred and fifty four raindrops. exactly seven hundred and eight evenly spaced beads with every second one carrying a perfect circle of clarity.
I counted sixty three different colours in the surrounding space, with a high majority, green and all the murky divisions of shades within.
I counted and I counted and the false control and the fake serenity made the mockery less a reality.
"it's simple, non-complex, indifferent. you are nothing to me and never will be".
the thoughts they begin to re-emerge and I fight for control. I beat my head until I realise people are present. I shake my head, I continue to count. I haven't counted how many different shades of skin are on my hand and then after, there is always a mirror.
"it was all one big joke. I thought you would never realise it, you would never be more than you perceived yourself to be and I was right. you are exactly your stereotype, no more, no less and that's what makes it so disappointing".
to be exposed, to be so accurately tormented was all the worse. ironic how malfoy still got to be better. he was exactly what I wanted to believe, the opposite of what he knew and yet I managed to lose again.
only this time it dug deep. I am sensitive, a cataloguer if you will. to remember every insult, place, time, … and still this be overshadowed, makes me scared. to be wrong about a person. to want to let your instinct decide, to want so much to let your instinct be right and for it to be so very wrong¸ there is no hope. how to move on. if my heart was not broke, if my confidence and pride not crushed and my trust in humanity not shattered, I would still resolve to continue.
but I do not trust myself. I do not trust my head and I do not trust my heart. and most importantly I do not trust my head nor heart that influences my instinct. I always believed that the most cultured of us all, were the one most capable of animal passion, animal fury, animal instinct. a sorry greek I would have been.
and so I turn to counting.
a stranger I met three minutes and twelve seconds ago asked me
when will I stop counting?
and I answered,
when I am not ready to.