Out of Work
Chapter 1: She Bought the Farm
A/N: The wait is over, my sexy new fic is out! My day-late Christmas present to everyone.
Kudos to Hallwings for suggesting the job in this chapter.
This should probably be rated M, especially for a scene involving Chiyo and two cows (don't worry, it's not a weird hentai-like situation.) But hey, if it was M, it wouldn't be seen without searching.
Oh, I mention an informative film from England called "Appaches." I thought it was funny as hell, even though it scared a lot of people. It's on Youtube if anyone wants to see it.
I meant to finish this earlier, but Super Mario Galaxy is addicting. I was in my room all day playing it.
Now, on with the show.
888
We now join our heroes on a strange planet, in which Japanese people speak English, teachers drive insane cars, and a young kid is in High School.
Tomo: Hey, do you mind, we are trying to find new jobs?
Kagura: Yeah, put a cork in it.
Chiyo: Please be more kind, I'm sure this narrator is friendly!
Kagura: Quiet, Chiyo-Chan!
(Kagura grabs the Narrator and drags him to the door)
But I'm just an honest fanfiction writer trying to make a living!
Tomo: Well you should've thought about that before you paired Sakaki and Osaka up! And you even made them have a kid! What the hell?
But it makes sense! And their child deserves love! She's real, seriously! I think I have a picture of her in my wallet somewhere!
Osaka: I have a daughter?
Kagura: (Throws the Narrator out of the room) All right, now we can go back to looking for jobs!
MISADVENTURES AT WORK II: OUT OF WORK
It was a dark and stormy night... Well actually it was a foggy day, but that's not that point.
Chiyo, Kagura, Tomo and Osaka were looking for jobs in the local newspaper.
"AHMAGAWD!" Osaka exclaimed, "A SATA ANDAGI CHEF!"
"Osaka-San, that only pays 400 yen an hour." Chiyo said.
"But it's Sata Andagi..." Osaka was very disappointed.
"Hey, what about this?" Kagura asked, "Independent Cheerleading Squad. It should be fun and easy!"
"Look at the fine print." Chiyo pointed out.
The tiny text in the corner was barely readable, but it said OWNED BY THE KIMURA FAMILY.
"... Wow, I can't believe I suggested that." Kagura said.
"Hey look! Hitmen/women!" Tomo yelled.
Everyone ignored Tomo.
"Look at this." Chiyo said, pointing to a square.
The ad read FARMERS ASSISTANT.
"The pay looks pretty good." Tomo said.
"We'd get to be outside all day." Kagura said, a tiny bit excited.
"I could watch to see if the cows get abducted by aliens." Osaka mused.
"And we'd get to be around cute farm animals all day!" Chiyo exclaimed.
"Let's do it!" They all said in unison.
The next day, they walked to the farm a few miles away.
They were greeted by an American man in Overalls and a straw hat. He had a few teeth missing and he was carrying a pitchfork.
"Hello girls!" The Farmer said in a very bad accent. "I'm Farmer John! Are you here for the job?"
"Yes sir." The Azugirls said.
"What experience do you have in farming and animal care?" John asked.
"I have a garden at home, and I take care of my pet." Chiyo said.
"I think I let my dog outside once." Tomo said, wondering if that statement was actually true.
"Nothing, really." Kagura truthfully told.
"I harvested some sorrow once." Osaka said, developing a dark look in her eyes.
John pointed to Chiyo. "I like that you seem responsible." He spit out some tobacco.
"You," He said, gesturing toward Kagura, "Are honest. I like that in a worker."
"You remind me of my grandad." He said to Osaka. "Wise beyond your years. Than again, he was old, so he was REALLY wise, but I still like you."
Chiyo, Tomo, and Kagura twitched.
"You three are hired."
John frowned at Tomo. "... I just don't like you."
Tomo's bottom lip began to tremble and she burst out into tears. "WHEN I GET HOME, I'M GOING TO CUT MYSELF TO SEE HOW MUCH I BLEED!"
Tomo fell on the ground and began rolling in a puddle of her own tears. "I HATE MYSELF! I'M GOING TO WRTIE SOME ANGSTY FANFICTION PROLOGUING A CHEERY CHARACTER'S SUICIDE!"
"She seriously will, sir. I would hire her if I were you." Kagura said.
"Alright, fine, but when you screw up, you're out."
Tomo jumped up while squeeling. "I love you!"
"Oh, you love older men? Well I have this friend, his name's Kimura. Would you like to meet him?" John asked obliviously.
All the girls took off running at the mention of Kimura. "See you tomorrow!" The Azu-Girls yelled in unison.
The next day, the four girls were walking to the farm in boots and tough clothing.
"Operation Ground and Pound commencing!" Tomo yelled while pumping a fist in the air.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kagura asked her fellow Bonkura.
"It's... the codename I've given this mission." Tomo said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Mission?" Chiyo asked.
"Tomo, how high are you right now?" Kagura asked in a surprisingly serious tone.
"... Just a little." Tomo said, looking away in shame.
"Can I have some Tomo?" Osaka asked out of the blue.
"No! It's all mine!" Tomo greedily covered her coat pockets.
"Drugs are bad!" Chiyo said, waving her arms at her friends.
"Good girl, Chiyo-Chan." Kagura said, ruffling Chiyo's hair.
They soon arrived at the farm. They were greeted by John waving his hat toward them.
"Howdy, girls!" The Stereotypical Farmer greeted.
"How-day!" Osaka responded.
"Good morning, Sir." Chiyo said, bowing.
The other two girls just nodded.
"Right now I have a job for each of you," John began.
"First," John said while gesturing to Osaka, "I need you to spread manure across the fields."
"No problem. I'm quite a big fan of manure." Osaka responded, getting some weird looks.
"You," John looked to Tomo, "We have not been getting enough rain recently, I need to you to water all the crops in that field." He gestured a a large field to the right, which made Tomo groan.
"You look like a strong girl." John said to Kagura. "I want you to move some farm equipment from the other side of the farm to the shed, which is to your left."
"Leave it to me!" Kagura said.
"Last but not least, I need someone to watch two cows mate and make sure they don't stop before they are good and done. I'm leaving this up to you, little lady." John said to Chiyo. The Bonkura's got grim looks on their faces.
"What do you mean by mate?" Chiyo asked.
"You'll see." John said, chewing on a weed he just picked out of the ground. "Go into the barn, they will be there. Now everyone, go to your designated jobs. I will check on you in two hours, I need to go run some errands."
Everyone went to their respective jobs, having no idea what they would be in for.
777 (AKA Transition)
Tomo angrilly walked from one plant to the other with a small wattering bucket. "I liked working at Magnetron better."
Tomo spotted what seemed to be a godsend.
By the farmers house was a power hose used to wash the house.
"Hehehe, an ace in the hole." Tomo said, sneaking over to the large hose. She turned on the water to full blast. She began to push down on the trigger.
With great force, the water shot out of the large hose. Tomo was thrown back into the house and created a large hole. The hose, meanwhile continued running.
The hose demolished every single crop in short time. It then spun out of control and began shooting large holes in the grass, creating holes. It shot across the property. Gods tend to call this incident 'The Rage of Poseidon.'
Tomo stood up and shook off. She looked at the hole. "I can pay for that." She witnessed the carnage it created outside.
"Oh... shit."
777
Osaka was having a fun time. She had spread quite a bit manure already, ignoring the smell.
She got to thinking, which was not a good sign.
"Ya know... This helps things grow. The farmer has a pretty small shed, and I'm sure he wants a bigger one. Making the boss happy may result in a promotion... Osaka, you're a genius! Thank you! You're welcome!" Osaka had a conversation with herself for a few moments before heading toward the shed. She opened a new bag and took a large handful.
She began throwing handful after handful at the house. "Heheh. Bossman is gonna love me for this."
777
Kagura was doing fine. She was lifting the tools with ease... That is, until she got to a large piece of equipment.
Kagura attempted to lift this large foreign object, but to no avail. "Hmm, there must be some way to lift this thing..."
Kagura then spotted a tractor. At first she thought it was a good idea, but she remembered something.
"Wait, think of that film they showed us in school... 'Apaches...' I couldn't understand it because I'm not very good at English, but I got the message. Fooling around with farm equipment will kill you in stupid ways. But then again, I'm not some idiot kid playing in a place where all my friends died."
Kagura persuaded herself to use it. She hooked the object to the tractor and jumped into the front seat.
"Good job, John, leaving some keys in a tractor." Kagura laughed to herself and turned the keys. However, she did not realize there was a brick on the gas pedal.
The tractor began quickly moving as soon as the gas was turned on. "What the-"
Kagura was shocked by the sudden fast movements. She tried to grab a hold of the wheel, but the tractor hit a bump and Kagura was sent flying out. Luckilly, she landed on some hay.
"I am the luckiest perso-" Kagura stopped talking when she heard a large splash, followed by silence.
The tractor has fell into a nearby pond.
The next words said by Kagura are censored, for they are so evil, even Satan cringed upon hearing them.
777
Chiyo walked into the barn, humming a happy tune. She saw the two cows locked up in seperate cages.
"Alright, so I'll unlock them, and they'll start 'mating.'" Chiyo said.
She pulled out some keys John gave and unlocked the two cages. She walked to the sidelines. She wondered why they didn't do anything.
"Oh! John said too give them this thing!" Chiyo pulled something out of her pocket. "What was it called? An afro... afrodis... I can't remember, but he said it will start it off."
Chiyo threw the object in between the two cows. The two animals got hearts in their eyes.
"Aww, how cute. Wait, what are they doing?"
Chiyo was suddenly witnessing the vile act of two cows doing the nasty.
Chiyo's screams could not be heard over the sounds of the cows.
"What is he doing with the- Ahh! What's coming out of his... OH MY GOD!" Chiyo tried to get out, but the door was jammed.
"Someone kill me!" All of Chiyo's innocence was shattered at that moment.
777
Tomo was frantically running around the field. Suddenly a thought came to her.
"What if I dried the land? Than it would be hardly noticeable!" Tomo was obviously even stupider when she was afraid.
777
"I am the smartest person I know. Eat your heart out, Chiyo-Chan." Osaka mused. She looked at the dirty building.
"I should probably continue spreading it on the farm now..."
777
Kagura, unlike Tomo, did not get a stupid solution to get her out of this mess.
"Maybe I should move to Antarctica and change my name... Maybe I can change it to... Arugak? No, that's stupid."
Kagura continued to fret. This was not turning out to be a good day.
777
The cows were finally done. Chiyo was hiding in a corner. Life now seemed worthless to her.
777
Tomo was currently blowing a wireless blowdryer onto the crops.
"Damn it, this isn't working!
777
John arrived back at the farm. He stepped out of his car, humming a simple tune.
"I wonder how my new employees did. They seemed like they would- Holy shit!"
John looked in horror at the carnage creted by the Bronkura's, who were now approaching him. Chiyo, however, was nowhere to be found.
"Did I do good, Bossman?" Osaka asked.
The other two girls looked down in shame.
"I'm gonna resist killing ya'll. Just get off my ranch, you good for nothing's! Wait, where's the younger one?"
Chiyo walked out of the barn and toward John.
"So, did the two cows fu-"
"Yes they did.
"I need you to give the female a pregnancy test now, if you don't mind."
"I wish death to you. Good day, sir." She kicked John in the shin and began walking home, followed by her friends.
"Note to self, never hire high school girls again." John said.
777
"Chiyo-Chan, what happened?" Kagura asked.
"We shall never speak of farms again." Chiyo said.
"Well, back to the drawing board." Tomo said.
888
Poor Chiyo! Please review, it will make this all worthwhile. Seriously, when I don't get reviews, it sucks the life out of me. More well-known authors get a bunch of reviews for a 500 word story, and I only get two or three for a 1500 word story. It makes me so sad.