Nobody's home
I couldn't tell you
Why she felt the way she felt everyday.
England
Lucy entered her and Susan's room and saw her elder sister laying on her bed, reading a book with tear stains all over her face. She didn't asked what was wrong because Susan would always answer the same: "I'm fine. It's just that is a bit hard being again in England".
For Lucy was also hard to be in England again, because leaving Narnia was harder than anyone could ever expect it to be. This was the second time the Pevensie children had left from the magic land and it had been harder than the first time. But she couldn't understand why Susan was acting the way she did for the last 4 four days. The 4 days after their return form Narnia.
"Mom says dinner's ready" Lucy said quietly.
Susan didn't even look at her when she answered. "I'm not hungry"
"Are you sure? You haven't been eating much since we came back…"
"I'm not hungry" she repeated coldly. "But thanks anyway, Lu"
I couldn't help her
I just watch her make the same mistakes again
Lucy closed the door slowly and went to Edmund's room. Lately she would find comfort with his brother. She knew he would tell her another interesting story about Narnia to cheer up her a little.
Susan closed her book slowly and left it on her night table. She looked through the window sorrowfully and felt again how the tears ran down her face.
Her heart was aching more than ever since she left Narnia. Since she left him. She wondered everyday if she had done the right thing by returning to England. She always wanted to think she had had no choice, that she had to return to England no matter the circumstances, no matter her feelings. But deep inside she knew she could have done something to change the Great Lion's decision… and she didn't take it.
She was curled up on her bed sobbing and hugging a pillow. Her heart –or the half she had left- was dying a bit everyday and she couldn't make anything about it. It was breaking into small pieces until there would be nothing left of it.
She had been so distant to Peter, Edmund and Lucy the last days but she didn't really mean to. But only when being alone she could cry and think through what happened the day she left.
She remembered when she was walking away form him and then she just stopped to go back to kiss him. It had been to most glorious moment of her entire life. She just wanted to be back into his strong and yet soft embrace. She wanted to inhale his scent, to feel him against her, see his smile once again.
In tears she finally felt asleep. She had no idea her siblings were in her room then, watching her with true concern.
"Why is she doing that?" asked Lucy almost crying. "I know she misses Narnia. So do I, but I haven't been starving myself. I'm not staying always alone in my room, crying…"
"I don't understand her either, Lu" said Peter. "But I believe she's not behaving this way just because she's not in Narnia. She's behaving like this because she's not with someone who is in Narnia"
Lucy understood it right away.
"I also miss Caspian" she said.
"But not in the same way she does" Edmund whispered.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Narnia
Caspian was sitting on a chair in the council's room. There were being discussed some matters about the soldiers. He knew what the others were saying. They had been repeating it all week long but he wasn't listening. His thoughts were far away with a young girl of brown hair, pale skin and gorgeous ocean blue eyes.
It had been a year and a half since the Kings and Queens of Old had left Narnia for the second time. A year and a half since she left him.
It had hurt so much to see Susan and her siblings walking away to disappear forever. The last look she gave him was so sad and tearful that it made him want to run towards her and embrace her begging her to stay, saying that he loved her and he would do whatever it would take to keep her by his side.
Everyday since then, he asked himself what he should have done to keep her with him.
Every night he dreamed about her and longed to feel her soft skin against his when they were in each others arms.
Every second of his life was dedicated to love the queen he had lost forever.
Don't know where she belongs…
Where she belongs?
England
Her mother let her stay home instead of going to school. She just wasn't in the mood to sit in a classroom where she would learn many things she already had learned in Narnia or to hear the history of a land that didn't feel like hers anymore. She didn't want to find more excuses for the answers to the questions of her friends: Why are you so sad?, You're a bit distant, aren't you?, Is something wrong?, Why you stay alone lately?, Do feel okay?, Have you been crying?
When she, Peter, Edmund and Lucy left Narnia they were supposed to return home, she felt as if she had left her home behind. She was wondering all the time if England was really their home. Was it her home? She had lived for so long there, but so she did in Narnia as well.
She doubted she was in her home. Her home was where her heart was at and it was in Narnia with Caspian.
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Susan wanted more than anything to be in Narnia. She wanted to practice archery again. She wanted to wear beautiful gowns and go to balls in a castle like the ones she used to go before Cair Paravel was destroyed. When Cair Paravel was her home.
She missed so much being a queen. Not because she could live in a great castle and have many servants. She wanted to be a queen for the meaning it had for her to be Queen Susan, The Gentle, and remember her days as ruler of Narnia the first time her siblings and her were there. She wanted to be Queen Susan to be with King Caspian.
She felt so lost and alone in England. Her siblings were hurt because they were not in Narnia, but even Lucy, who was the most sensible out of the four about that matter, was much better than Susan at the moment. It seemed to her, all were happy to be in England and that they had forgotten about Narnia somehow.
That's why she lies
Broken inside
The next day she wasn't so lucky and her mother told her she should go to school.
When she and the others were in the subway she felt so sad to remember how they had been transported to Narnia from that place. She felt so silly when she was wishing that to happen again that day. But it was a foolish wish. She knew deep inside her she was not going anywhere.
When she was at school she found herself lying to her friends again when she said she had had fever one day before and that was why she hadn't been there.
Also she lied when they came out with all those questions Susan learned to hate lately.
"I'm fine" was the only thing she would answer with a forced smile, but her friends didn't notice that. They didn't notice how hard was for her to fake a smile when she was so broken inside, when her heart and soul were somewhere she couldn't be at.
With no place to go, no place to go
She dries her eyes
Broken inside
The school day ended and Susan couldn't be happier that at least it was Friday.
"What is happening?" suddenly asked Lucy while Susan was brushing her hair after having a bath.
Susan looked at her as she didn't know what she meant, but she knew exactly what Lucy was talking about. Lucy was asking her what was happening with the intelligent, brave and joyful girl who now was the saddest person alive, always quiet and thinking about something no one could understand, with her heart miles away in a magic land, with her heart completely broken.
Lucy was wiser than any other girl from her age but she had once gone through adulthood so it was normal to see in her eyes a sparkle of maturity. Nevertheless it was strangely curious to see a girl like her with such a gaze like the one she was looking at Susan with at that very moment.
"I-I just…" began Susan but trailed off because of the tears. "I miss him…"
Lucy walked towards her and gave her sister a big hug trying to say without words she couldn't understand her pain and sorrow but she was there for her.
Peter and Edmund came into the room and found their two sisters there. Without thinking it twice both went towards them. In a while the four Pevensie children were hugging each other, the other three trying to console Susan.
Open your eyes
And look outside, find the reasons why
Narnia
King Caspian was on the balcony outside his chambers. As always he saw the sunset there trying to erase Susan from his mind. Not because he didn't love her, but because he loved her so much that the simple thought of knowing he would never see her again was nearly driving him mad.
He had asked himself so many times why that had to happen to them. Why she had to leave and he had to stay? Why couldn't they just live their lives together? Why Aslan had to sent her away from him? Didn't both deserve to be happy after all they had to go through?
He watched how the sun began to go down the horizon and remembered all the beautiful days he had spent next to Susan. Those had been the best days of his life and now all they were, were memories he kept next to his heart.
You've been rejected
And now you can't find what you left behind
England
It was Monday again. School had been awful for Susan. All the girls who she used to call "friends" had been so mean to her. The last thing in the world she needed was her friends to act so badly with her.
They told her she was so cold and she was not who she used to be. She was boring and always was moping around so sad with no reason. They don't understand. Susan thought. They don't know all I've been trough. I've known many things they wouldn't even imagine. I've taken lives. I've seen others die. I've seen the face of evil. I've sacrificed so much. I've fallen in love. I've had to abandon all I care about. I've been lonely in moments I need company… But what could be expected of a group of girls who only cared about their clothes and whether the looked nice so they boys would look at them.
Now she was crying –again- on her bead with what was left of her heart completely ripped off. She wanted so badly to be in Narnia. She wanted so badly to be in his arms. She thought that in that moment she would have loved to be crying in his arms instead of being crying alone on her bed.
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, to many problems
Narnia
You can't surrender now. Caspian was thinking. A king is always strong… but I have to be strong enough to admit I can't deny the pain my heart is going through…
It had been two years now since Susan took his heart with her the day she left.
He was so tired and thought sleeping would be good for him, even though he knew what was going his dream to be like: him loosing Susan again.
He changed to his white shirt he slept with and laid on his bed. He was glad to know he would see Susan in his dreams but was sad at the same time of knowing she would vanish when he woke up.
He was walking in the corridors of a castle he couldn't recognize. He kept walking and walking for what seemed like hours, crossing the huge palace made out of marble.
Everything was in complete silence when he heard a harmonious voice far away and barely perceptible.
He kept walking and he kept hearing the voice but every time he heard the voice closer to him.
Suddenly he saw a shade run across an archway and knew it was a woman because he could see the dress she was wearing. A white dress.
"Who are you?" he asked but inside of him he already knew the answer.
"Caspian?" said a voice he knew very well behind him.
He turned around to face Susan. She was wearing the white and blue gown she wore the last time they saw each other.
He was captivated by her as he always was when he would see her. Her beauty growing considerably everytime he would lay eyes on her.
They were close, but not close enough to embrace. He raised his hand and caressed lovingly Susan's cheek. He thought it would be like in all his other dreams: when he tried to touch her she disappeared, but there she was. He could his feel his soft skin with his fingers.
He could see she was surprised. She also raised her hand and touched his face. "Is this really a dream?" she asked.
Caspian didn't know what to answer. He thought he was dreaming but there she was. There she really was. He could feel her and for Susan's expression he would tell she was feeling him too.
Not being capable to contain his feelings he embraced her tightly. She returned the embrace and began to cry. "I don't want to leave again… I'm so sorry, Caspian. I really am… I didn't want to leave you behind… But I felt I had no choice… I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.."
"You did nothing wrong" he whispered softly to her ear. "There's no need to apologize. We are together now, Susan, that's all that matters"
Caspian stroked her hair lovingly and whispered beautiful words of love to the young queen.
There they were, both in each others arms wanting nothing more than to remain that way forever, but they knew very well nothing lasts forever...
Caspian opened his eyes suddenly and regreted at that very moment the fact that he had woken up.
He had lost her again and a terrible feeling of loss started to grow in his heart.
Don't know where she belongs…
Where she belongs?
England
Susan woke up in the middle of the night with all her face wet by tears. She was sure this time he hadn't been only a dream. She felt him so real. His caress. His embrace. What he told her. She was sure this time it had been real.
She couldn't fell sleep again in the whole night and remained on her bed thinking about him. It was sad and beautiful to have thoughts about Caspian. It was heartbreaking to remember her time with him but she was sure there was nothing more beautiful to think about in the whole world.
That afternoon when she was walking home after school she stared at the lion formed statue near the subway station. She thought she was going crazy as she suddenly saw how the lion's eyes glowed.
She shook her head, believing it to be only her imagination, but after that she began to have nausea and felt as if everything around her began to spin very quickly. But everything was literally spinning around her.
She suddenly fell on the ground very confused. As she got up she felt very strange. She was in the middle of the forest and was wearing a beautiful white gown with silver decorations and a delicate crown was upon her head.
Her eyes couldn't believe everything she was seeing. A mighty lion was standing there in front of her and next to him was a young dark haired man with dark brown eyes and beautiful tanned skin who smiled when he saw her.
"Hello, dear one" Aslan said.
Susan was speechless.
"You both had an important dream last night" the Great Lion continued "You and King Caspian went through a proof I made for you two. I know I said you couldn't return to Narnia because you had already learned all you could from here, but I was mistaken. You began to learn something else here" he said as he looked at Caspian. "And that needs more time to keep learning. I saw in your dream how much you want to be together and I'll let you choose: You can be together if that is what you both desire, but one of you has to leave their world forever"
Susan looked at Caspian and saw in his eyed he would follow her wherever she chose to go to.
Susan wanted to be with him either in Narnia or in England. But then she thought it was easier for her to stay in Narnia. She already knew what it was like to be in the magical land and she loved to be there. In change Caspian had no idea what England was like. Also she would never make the Narnians and the Telamrines lose their king and it would be hard for Caspian to abandon them.
"I want to stay here" Susan said with no hesitation in her voice.
"So shall be" Aslan said.
"But what about Peter, Edmund and Lucy?'"
"You'll see them again" the Great Lion answered and began to walk away slowly but before he got lost through the trees he said: "Welcome back to Narnia, Queen Susan, The Gentle"
Susan ran timmediatly towards Caspian's arms and both embraced tightly.
"I missed you so much" she said crying against his chest.
"I missed you too. More than you can even imagine" he answered and after some time they pulled away.
Caspian caressed her face and brushed away her tears lovingly and smiled. "You don't have to cry anymore, my love"
Susan smiled as he took her face sweetly in his hands and leaned forward to kiss her. It was the second kiss they shared and it was longer than the other one, but the difference was their first one had been a goodbye kiss and this one was the first of many others in a life they would share together.
THE END
Author's note: For me "Nobody's home" by Avril Lavigne is one of the saddest songs I've heard in my entire life and I wanted to use it because is a way to express the sorrow, grief and pain both Caspian and Susan felt as they separated. I really considered to write another ending in which Susan stays in England and Capian in Narnia and they don't get the chance to reunite, but I love them as a couple and I wanted them to have their happiness :D
This is my very first fanfiction so don't be so hard on me with the comments, please. Also if there is some mistake in the story, I'm terribly sorry but english is not my mother language and there may be some gramatical mistakes.
I dearly hope you like it!