Frightens me to know so well, a glee fanfic

Title: Frightens me to know so well (the place I shouldn't go)

Pairing: P/R, hints of F/R

Rating: T for language

Genre: Romance / Angst

Word Count: 4,185

Summary: My pipe dream for how the finale could have gone instead of the shitshow it was. Also based on a number of prompts from the P/R drabble meme on LJ that I no longer remember.

Disclaimer: Don't own Glee. No copyright infringement intended.

She found him in the lobby of their hotel, sitting in one of the plush leather chairs with his head tilted back and his eyes closed. Despite his seemingly relaxed posture, Rachel could see the tension in the set of his broad shoulders, the clench of his defined jaw. Something was clearly bothering him, and while she would have normally turned around and left him alone (they had become friends over the past few months, since Finn broke up with her after the whole kissing Puck to get back at Finn for sleeping with Santana debacle, and she knew when Puck needed his space), she had a matter of importance to discuss with him that couldn't wait.

"Noah?" she called tentatively, keeping her hands clasped in front of her even though she wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder. She watched as his eyes snapped open, his dark green gaze focusing on her, and the reason she had sought him out in the first place flew out of her mind when she saw the storm of emotions behind his eyes. Without conscious thought, her hand reached out to wrap around the forearm resting on the arm of the chair. "Are you alright? I've been looking for you."

Fuck. This is exactly what he didn't want to happen. He didn't want Rachel to come seek him out (lie). He didn't want to be alone with Rachel (another lie). Granted, they were in the lobby of the hotel with a bunch of people milling about, but none of the other gleeks were around. Finn wasn't around. And there was so much he wanted to say to Rachel that, without anyone around to stop him, he might say shit and ruing fucking everything. Looking away from her concerned gaze, he sat up and ran a hand over his Mohawk. "M'fine."

She tilted her head. "Are you sure? You seem upset and tense, and if you'd like to talk, I'm willing to listen."

Glancing up at her again, Puck suppressed the urge to scoff. Rachel probably would not be willing to listen to anything he had to say to her. She didn't want to fucking hear that if he had to sit and listen to Finn blabber about how 'epic' his and Rachel's kiss had been anymore he was going to punch his friend in the face. She didn't want to hear that Finn was all wrong for her. She didn't want to hear that she was so hung up on Finn that she couldn't see what was right in front of her. It was better if he just kept his mouth shut, so he just settled for shaking his head.

"What do you want, Rachel? I thought you'd be upstairs celebrating with the rest of the club."

"Celebrating twelfth place? I hardly think that's cause for celebration," Rachel huffed. "Besides, I'm pretty sure the rest of the club is still upset with me or ruining our chances by getting caught up in the moment with Finn. Santana's been muttering things in Spanish all night."

"Christ," Puck mumbled, seeing the sadness on Rachel's face and feeling so tired of this bullshit. "Look, you and Finn sucking face onstage was stupid, but that's not why we finished twelfth. We didn't place because we pulled those songs out of our asses two days before we performed them. You of all people should know that; you've been trying to drill it in our heads for months that we needed to focus on Nationals. We should have been rehearsing our set list weeks ago, not writing shitty songs in our hotel rooms."

Rachel looked at him in confusion. "I have to say, Noah, I'm surprised. I didn't expect you to be so critical of your own work. I thought for sure you'd be adamant that the song you wrote was nothing short of amazing. 'The shit,' as you would say."

He looked up at her sharply. "What are you talking about? I didn't write any of those songs," he deflected, thinking there was no way Finn was that stupid.

Rachel rolled her eyes and smiled slightly. "Finn told me you helped him, Noah." Apparently he was that stupid. "When we were talking before our performance, I said something to Finn about the song and he told me to forget the song. I thought it was very odd that he wasn't more concerned with what he wrote, so I asked him about it when we got back to the hotel and he told me that you wrote the majority of the music and lyrics." She paused as if waiting for Puck to respond. When he remained silent, she continued, her voice sharp. "Why did you do that, Noah? Why did you let Finn take credit for your work?"

Puck sighed and ran a hand over his Mohawk again. "Finn was set on doing a duet with you. And he may have given you shit about 'My Headband' or whatever, but he's shit at songwriting. He was stuck and I didn't want you to end up singing some fucking awful song so I helped him out. It wasn't like I had anything else to offer since you guys were all working on the group number."

"It's a good song, Noah," Rachel complimented, her voice soft and her hand once again resting on his arm. "You deserve to take credit for it."

"What the Golden Boy wants, the Golden Boy gets," Puck replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "Besides, that wasn't my best work."

Rachel's eyes widened. "You've been writing original music?" she questioned. At his somewhat sheepish nod, she frowned. "Why didn't you submit it for consideration for Nationals? Why didn't you tell us?"

Puck rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable. "I only finished one song, and it's not really competition material. It's just… it's not a group song."

"Will you play it for me?" Rachel asked immediately, all thoughts of the duet and Finn fleeing her mind at the prospect of hearing this piece of Noah.

"Rachel, no," Puck protested, wondering how they'd gone from talking about the stupid duet to him revealing he'd written a song. That was something Rachel was not supposed to find out about. What the fuck was he doing? But then, Rachel had always had a way of getting past his defenses and getting him to reveal shit that he intended to keep hidden. She was like a fucking feelings ninja or some shit.

"Please?" she pressed, her Bambi eyes widening, filled with hope and a genuine interest in his music. He could feel himself wavering but he forced himself to stand his ground. He wasn't just going to fucking bare his soul to her just because she flashed those innocent, perfect eyes at him. He shook his head, carefully avoiding her gaze.

"Noah," she murmured, squeezing his forearm gently until his eyes met hers. "Please? I'd really like to hear it." The words were soft, and her eyes were warm in the way they'd only ever been with him, when he sang her a Neil Diamond tune or harmonized with her on that Lady Antebellum song. He was fucked.

"Just remember that you asked for this," he warned. Standing, he walked over to the piano tucked into the corner of the lobby, Rachel following curiously.

"You wrote it for piano?" she asked. "I didn't know you played."

"I'm just full of surprises," Puck muttered under his breath as he sat at the bench. He looked up at Rachel, who was standing next to the piano with her arm resting on top of the instrument, her eyes focused on him. "Are you sure?"

She nodded, a small smile gracing her lips. "Absolutely."

Puck looked back down at the keys, steeling himself. Whether she knew it or not (and his money was on not), he was about to lay it all on the line for Rachel Berry. It was probably going to come back to bite him in the ass (but when it came to Rachel, when didn't that happen?) but there was no going back now. She had asked to hear the song, and she was going to hear it.

As he played the opening chords of the song he was Rachel tilt her head slightly, not having expected him to have written such a mellow, quiet song. It would be interesting to see what her reaction would be when she realized the song was about her.

Here we are
Isn't it familiar
Haven't had someone to talk to
In such a long time
And it's strange
All we have in common
And your company was just the thing I needed tonight

He chanced a glance up at Rachel. Her eyes were locked on him, confusion and surprise evident on her face, lips slightly parted as she listened to his lyrics. He forged ahead, knowing there was no taking this back, no pretending that these words were about anyone but her.

Somehow I feel I should apologize
Cuz I'm just a little shaken
By what's going on inside

I should go
Before my will gets any weaker
And my eyes begin to linger
Longer than they should
I should go
Before I lose my sense of reason
And this hour holds more meaning
Than it ever could
I should go
I should go
Baby, I should go

Rachel could feel herself shaking as she listened to Noah's song. The song was beautiful – hauntingly, heartbreakingly, tragically beautiful. Even though he hadn't said it, she knew this song was about her. Her heart tightened painfully in her chest as he sang the second verse, his lyrics burning in her chest, stealing her breath.

It's so hard
Keeping my composure
And pretend I don't see how
Your body curves beneath your clothes
And your laugh
Is pure and unaffected
It frightens me to know so well the place I shouldn't go
I know I gotta take the noble path
Cuz I don't want you to question
The intentions that I have

Her head was spinning as Noah continued into the chorus again, his eyes closed as the music flowed through him and he poured his heart out to her, confessing all his unspoken feelings through song. She wanted to interrupt, to demand answers, to find out how long he had been hiding his feelings from her, to make him stop, but she couldn't find her voice or the courage to do so. Noah had always hid his emotions behind his Puck persona, feigning apathy and indifference and using harsh words as a shield to keep people at bay – except with her. Rachel had thought that Noah was more himself when he was with her; it was one of the reasons she felt comfortable enough to let her own guard down. But now, seeing him actually lower his shields and reveal his feelings, she wondered what else she had missed, what else he had been hiding from her.

Puck's voice suddenly softened, his eyes opening as is fingers eased up on the keys. His hazel eyes met Rachel's tear-filled brow ones, conveying a silent apology for springing this on her, for not being stronger and just keeping all his unwanted and unrequited feelings from complicating her life.

Oh but now I don't mean to leave you with a trivial excuse
And when you call tomorrow, I'll know what to do

Tomorrow, they could go back to the way things were. They could pretend that this never happened, continue to be casual friends who occasionally leaned on each other for support. But for tonight, for right now, they couldn't ignore what was changing and shifting between them with every press of the keys, every word that slipped from his lips.

Puck finished the song, the last notes dying in the air as his gaze remained locked with Rachel's. They remained frozen like that for a seemingly endless moment before the applause of the few guests in the lobby brought them back to reality. Rachel was the first to look away, wiping her eyes discreetly with her fingertips. "That was beautiful, Noah," she rasped, her throat thick with emotion.

Puck stood with a sigh, his hand returning to rubbing the back of his neck. "Thanks," he muttered, the full impact of what he'd just done hitting him like a fist. He'd just confessed his very intense like – he refused to use that other l-word when there was no chance she felt the same – to Rachel. Rachel, who had spent the day before on a date with Finn. Rachel, who had kissed Finn this afternoon in front of hundreds of people. Shit. He was so fucked. "Listen, Rach-"

"How long ago did you write that song, Noah?" she asked, her eyes returning to his, vulnerable yet intense. Puck could hear the unspoken meaning of her question as clearly as if she had asked another question entirely. (How long ago did you realize you have feelings for me?)

"The day after I took you home from school when you found out Finn slept with Santana," Puck admitted quietly, watching the understanding flash behind Rachel's eyes. "But I didn't finish it until the day after your Barbravention." (I knew I liked you the day we kissed for the second time, but I couldn't admit it to myself until you tried to change yourself).

Rachel shook her head, biting her lip as she looked towards the ceiling, trying to keep her tears at bay. Her mind was racing, replaying the time she had spent with Noah the past few months, looking for signs she had missed. He'd stopped himself that afternoon in her bedroom, but he'd said that was because of his friendship with Finn. He had defended her at Sectionals, but she had thought that was just him disagreeing with Santana out of habit. He'd sung a duet with her, but that had been to make Finn jealous. There had been that moment on the football field, but she had chalked that up to him being a good teammate. He'd helped her with the guitar chords for 'Get It Right' but again she'd thought he was just being a good teammate, not wanting to lose at Regionals. He'd helped her throw a party and cleaned up afterwards, but she assumed he'd just wanted to get drunk. He'd gone all over town trying to find a dog for Mercedes, but Rachel thought he did that to impress Lauren. He'd passionately argued against her getting a nose job, but she thought it was out of Jewish pride. Just last week he'd driven her to and from Coach Sylvester's sister's funeral, and he'd even hugged her on her front porch afterwards when she got a little teary-eyed. That had just been him being a good friend. Hadn't it? Had she really been so blind to all that he had done for her, all the times she had felt his eyes on her in glee rehearsal and had ignored him? Had she really just dismissed his attention as Puck chasing after anything in a skirt when it was now so clearly obvious that he had real feelings for her?

"God, Noah, why didn't you say something?" Rachel demanded, wiping her eyes with her fingertips again to remove the moisture that had gathered there.

"I didn't think it would matter," he responded quietly, shoving his hands into his pockets so that he wouldn't be tempted to wipe the tears from Rachel's delicate skin himself. "You were always chasing after Finn, trying to get him back."

Rachel felt her heart clench at the heavy truth of his words. Noah was absolutely right. She had spent months pining after Finn, trying to get him to forgive her, watching as he dated Quinn while she once again waited in the wings. Coming to New York had helped her remember that she had dreams that were bigger than being Finn's girlfriend, had reminded her that the stage was where she belonged. She'd thought she had been getting over him and falling out of love, had been realizing that maybe she didn't need Finn like she thought she did, that he didn't fit into her plans as well as she had been convinced he did. And she had been making progress until she and Finn sang that duet and she found herself under the power of his words – words, she now realized with a sickening jolt, which had been written by another boy. It was the words, not Finn himself, that had made her respond to Finn's kiss. It was the music she loved. Still, Finn had been the first boy to show an interest in her, to say all the things she wanted to hear, to kiss her and make her feel special, if only for a moment. She loved him for that, and that had to count for something.

"I love him," she told Noah somewhat desperately, her eyes begging him to understand that she wasn't trying to hurt him. She was just being honest.

Puck smiled a sad, bittersweet smile. "I know you do. But I don't think he loves you the way you love him."

She bristled, an automatic reflex born of constantly defending her relationship with Finn (her relationship with anyone, really) to the rest of the club. "Finn does love me! He told me he does."

Puck shook his head, taking a step toward her as his eyes flared with frustration. "Sure, Finn tells you he loves you. He tells you you're beautiful, that you shouldn't change yourself. He tells you he likes you just the way you are. But does he show you? Does he get your best friend to help him convince you that you don't need a nose job, that you're already fucking gorgeous? Does he forgive you for your mistakes, or does he hold them against you until he decides he's ready to look past them? Does he help his friend plan a date that he knows you'll love even if it's not him you're going on it with, or does he only want you to be happy if it's with him?"

Taken aback by the quiet intensity of his words, Rachel struggled to say something, but Puck continued talking. "Christ, Rachel. When it comes to noticing faults in a person's singing or performance you have no problem, but when it comes to noticing how shitty Finn treats you, you turn a blind eye to it. He criticizes your clothing, which is like one of the hottest things about you. He didn't tell you about Santana for months, even after you told him you didn't give it up to St. James. He couldn't forgive you for kissing me, but somehow he found it in himself to forgive Quinn for sleeping with me, getting pregnant and lying to him about it. And he convinced her to cheat on Sam, even though he knows how it feels to get cheated on." Puck looked away, licking his lips. "I've done a lot of shit that I'm not proud of, but that's low even by my standards. And even though you apologized to him like a million times, he kept telling you he couldn't forgive you and doing shit like leaving you in a Christmas tree lot."

"I don't need a litany of Finn's supposed flaws, Noah," Rachel protested, crossing her arms in front of her, but her words lacked conviction.

"Apparently you do, if you think the way he treats you is kosher, Rach. He's been stringing you along for months, but the second he thinks you might be happy with someone else, he flips out. After we sang that duet, he got all jealous and insecure and I had to promise him I'd stay away from you. When he saw you having a good time with Jesse at prom, he flipped out and started a fight. He only wants you to be happy if it's with him, and he expects you to just be waiting for him when he wants you. He broke up with Quinn – in the parking lot of a fucking funeral home, by the way – and the next day he's trying to woo you and shit, talking about how you guys need to duet at Nationals. You should have heard how surprised he was when you brushed him off in the lobby, Rachel. It was like he couldn't believe you wouldn't just fall back into his goofy arms the second he kicked Quinn to the curb. And I heard the two of you onstage tonight before we performed. I heard you tell him how New York was where you belonged, that you wanted it more than you wanted him. I was so fucking proud of you, Rach! I thought, 'she's finally remembering her dreams, that she's bigger and better than Finn Hudson and fucking Lima.' And then you sang, and he kissed you, and it was like nothing had changed at all. Finn snapped his fingers, and you just fell for his shit again." He looked away, his jaw twitching, wondering where the hell all that had come from. "Look… I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I know I'm not. I just was hoping for a chance to show you that I can be perfect for you, or at least better for you than Finn."

Rachel wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, taking a shaky breath. "I don't… I don't understand, Noah. If you feel so strongly against Finn and I being together, why did you write that song? Why did you plan that date for us?"

He met her eyes, the pain and resignation in his gaze hitting her sharply. "Because," he said thickly. "Because I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. Even if it's with him."

His words incited a new wave of tears to flood her eyes, and she made no move to wipe them away as they flowed down her cheeks. A moment passed and then she felt his palms cupping her cheeks, his thumbs brushing the moisture away. "Fuck, don't cry, baby," he murmured. "I didn't want to make you cry."

The regret in his voice was tangible, and it made Rachel feel even worse. Noah obviously cared for her deeply, and all she'd done was hurt him. She'd asked him to sing with her to make Finn jealous and he'd agreed even if it pained him to do so.

"I'm sorry," she croaked out past the lump in her throat. "For the duet and being blind and not seeing how much you care, Noah."

"No," he said with a shake of his head, his thumbs continuing to caress her cheeks. "I didn't tell you this for you to be sorry. I told you because I wasn't strong enough to keep hiding how I feel from you. That's on me, not you. If anything, I'm sorry for just dumping all this on you."

She swallowed hard, then looked up and met his sharp green gaze. "I wish I could tell you what you wanted to hear, Noah. But… I still love him. I need to see this through, to see if he and I are really what I think we are or if it's all just some fantasy I've concocted in my head. I need to know, once and for all, if Finn is really my leading man, or if my leading man is still waiting in the wings." She stared into his eyes, her own blurry with tears. "Is there any way you can understand that?"

Puck nodded, the same sad smile back on his face. "I get it. I might not fucking like it, but I get it. And when you figure all this shit out and find your leading man, I'll be there no matter who it is. Hell, I'll be there while you're figuring it out. I'm not going anywhere, Rachel."

Rachel managed a watery smile that broke on a suppressed sob, and Puck drew her into his arms. Rachel buried her face against his chest, fighting back her tears. "Thank you," she whispered.

After a few moments, she felt Puck brush a kiss against her forehead. "You'll get it right, Rachel. I know you will," he whispered against her hair before releasing her. With one more glance, he turned and headed for the elevator, leaving her with her thoughts and a new weight on her heart.

Song credit: "I Should Go" by Levi Kreis.