Where Life Takes Us
By Jemmiah
"I can look for the boy, with your permission of course." Obi-Wan's voice was crisp and businesslike. "But I do not know how long this search might take."
He'd hated to leave Jemmy behind in the state that she was, even knowing that Rela was there to comfort and support her. Han's disappearance had weighed heavily on Obi-Wan's mind since leaving Corellia even although he knew he had to concentrate and focus on other things, such as Anakin, and any missions that the council saw fit to send them on. Jedi were not supposed to have personal crisis: they were not supposed to have much in the way of a personal life at all. Jemmiah however still belonged to the Jedi and the temple even although she had long since moved away from Coruscant. Yoda was fond of Jemmiah; Obi-Wan had told himself impatiently as he'd sought a private audience with the master. Yoda, once aquatinted with the full facts would undoubtedly agree to the search and allow him the necessary time to recover the child - if he was still alive…
"I need the council to sanction my search for young Han Suul." Continued Obi-Wan relentlessly. "I do not need Anakin with me although his presence would be of some…"
"No."
The one word reply had thrown Obi-Wan completely off his stride. He frowned cautiously, trying to get his thoughts back on track from this unexpected interruption.
"No what, master?" He asked cautiously. "No I cannot take Anakin?"
"Sanction this search I will not."
This time Obi-Wan felt outright shock, to the extent that he found his hand gripping the side of his chair as if to somehow hold something that felt real and secure. He had said no? But that made no sense whatsoever! To leave a two-year-old boy on the streets, if indeed he were alive, was incomprehensible to Obi-Wan. And if the boy were dead then surely even this grim news would at least bring some closure to Jemmiah, who seemed to find waking up each day without her son an intolerable burden…
"I do not understand." Obi-Wan's voice became unusually harsh. "What is to be gained in this delay? The investigators on Corellia claim the child is dead but without proof Jemmiah will not be able to believe it! Why should I not help her?"
"Understand now why the Jedi dislike attachment, you do." Yoda contrived to raise an eyebrow in Obi-Wan's direction. "Confusion and pain it brings. Know this better than most you do."
"She is a friend of the Jedi!" Obi-Wan countered. "A friend to the temple! She was raised here…you granted her permission to stay! Fought for her when her Uncle wanted to take her back to Corellia! Why close your heart to her now when she most needs your help?" Obi-Wan persisted, sensing Yoda's awkwardness. "Is there something perhaps that I do not understand? Or have not been told?"
Yoda wrinkled his toes up and down for a moment, studying them.
"Sensed this might happen, I did." He ventured after a moment had elapsed. "Protect her on Coruscant I could. Here, in the temple. On Corellia, vulnerable she would always be. And those closest to her." Again he paused, adjusting his grasp on the head of his walking stick. "Asked her to move here when killed her husband was. Refuse she did."
"Jemmy has always been independent." Obi-Wan conceded. "But if there was a specific threat to her son she might have taken the warning a little more to heart. And now he is not there she needs to know the truth!"
Yoda turned his head to face the window. "Alive the boy is."
Obi-Wan felt his jaw slacken.
"You knew?" He stared unabashedly at Yoda. "You knew this had occurred before I informed you?"
"Matter that does not." Replied Yoda unhappily. "Decide what to do for the best, we must."
"For the best?" Obi-Wan launched himself abruptly out of his chair, some of his former impatience beginning to creep back into his actions. "What is there to decide? If the child is alive then he must be found - and reunited with his mother with all due expedition!"
"Left where he is, he must be." Yoda commanded Obi-Wan with an accompanying bang of the stick against the ground. "Insist upon it I do!"
Obi-Wan wondered for a brief moment if Yoda had taken leave of his senses, then shortly afterwards the thought occurred that perhaps he was the one losing his reason.
"How can you say that?" The young master's voice was hushed and disbelieving. "We are talking about the life of a child!"
"Talking of the life of many in the galaxy, I am." Yoda answered sternly. "Put the life of two people before the lives of thousands, would you? Even if faceless and unknown to you, they are? Sacrifices, however unbearable they may seem, be made they must in time of darkness." He raised his head to look Obi-Wan squarely in the face. "And come that time will, soon."
"Master Yoda…"
"Come back from Corellia, why did you?" Yoda asked gruffly. "Stay there you could have. Searched for the child without the Council's permission! Remained with Jemmiah, and been happy…"
Obi-Wan felt the blood drain slowly from his face at the wizened master's continued scrutiny. Was he questioning his loyalty to the Jedi, or to Anakin? He'd made a commitment: a promise to train Skywalker to become a Jedi Knight.
"I gave Qui-Gon my word." Obi-Wan repeated softly, recollecting his speech to Yoda shortly after his master's death on Naboo. It had become a mantra to him, almost; an oft-repeated phrase that kept his focus when self-belief in his abilities to train Anakin started to waver. "I will not break my promise."
"Hmmm." Obi-Wan's answer did not seem to entirely please Yoda. "Not for the Jedi, or the will of the force? But for Qui-Gon?"
Obi-Wan almost found himself shaking, not through anger but because he understood what Yoda was saying. If staying with Jemmiah and making a life with her would have been selfish, was his promise to Qui-Gon any less so, when common-sense demanded that Anakin not be trained, or at least turned over to the tutelage of one who perhaps knew better?
"A fine Jedi you are, Obi-Wan." Yoda admitted. "But make the right decisions you do - for the wrong reasons. The force takes us down many paths. Each path has a fork. A thousand different paths lay before us at birth, and the journey to our final destination is not assured. Always wonder you will, what would have become of you had you stayed on Corellia. Found the boy you might have, yes; but at what cost?"
Yoda scratched momentarily at his long ear, ordering his thoughts.
"Dark times lie ahead of us. Sense it we can." His brows slowly folded down upon themselves. "Knew this I did when Qui-Gon brought Jemmiah to Coruscant."
"You saw something of her future." Obi-Wan chewed thoughtfully at his lip. "She has always wondered what it might be…"
"As we speak, in motion the future is. The darkside clouds our vision. And somewhere in the midst of this darkness lies a person. A person close to you." Yoda allowed Obi-Wan the privilege of making that final leap in logic.
"Jemmiah?" He frowned.
"Our thought, this was." Agreed Yoda. "Knew that important her safety was to the Jedi, the council did. To hide her from the darkness. Aware also, we were, that if know of this we did then guess also the forces of evil might. So protect her we did for as long as we could."
"But her son…" Obi-Wan protested.
"He is the one who needs protecting. Understand this now, I do." The corners of Yoda's mouth turned slightly upwards as if suddenly comprehending the answer to an ancient riddle. "Not his mother. Keep him safe from those who mean to harm him, we must."
"Well then…"
"Do that best we can if left alone he is!" Yoda insisted. "Draw attention to him we must not! Alive he is. His future clouded, but safe he remains. Content yourself with this information, Obi-Wan. I will watch over him from a distance." He saw Obi-Wan open his mouth to protest. "Afford to be sentimental we cannot. Feelings we all have. Make us alive, they do! But control us they can, and often for the worse. Han Suul stays hidden."
"But what are these great threats to the galaxy and the order that can so come between the natural right of a mother and her son?" Obi-Wan asked incredulously. "I've sensed the disturbances in the force but why should a dark lord of the sith have any claim against the child?"
"Fear drives the darkside." Yoda replied simply. "Any threat to the sith, taken seriously it will be by the dark lord, whoever he is. If dangerous the boy is to the sith's plan to re-establish themeslves, removed that threat will be." The master gradually lowered himself out of his chair until he stood almost level with the rim of Obi-Wan's boots. "Tell Jemmiah nothing of this, you should. Put what you saw and felt on Corellia behind you."
"You are asking me," Obi-Wan allowed an almost ragged breath to escape his lips, "to leave the boy to his fate? To say nothing of where he might be to Jemmiah? Master Yoda," Kenobi's eyes widened hopelessly, appealing to the venerable Jedi to say otherwise, "This is crushing her! How can I not tell her? To keep such knowledge to ourselves borders on cruelty! It goes against everything the Jedi believe in…that I believe in!"
Yoda allowed his ears to droop fractionally. He had known what Obi-Wan's opinions would be as soon as he had confided the truth to him. But there was more at stake here than just Jemmiah, or her son.
"Sometimes, Obi-Wan," Yoda lowered his voice, "Put the greater good of the galaxy first, we should. Face distasteful decisions like this we always will. Be not swayed by the feelings in your heart. Bury them deep, you must! Such sentiment, afford you cannot."
"How can you say that?" Obi-Wan asked, dismayed. "If you can only see what this torture is doing to her! You are asking me to betray my friend! How could I ever bring myself to think of her without feeling guilt? How can I be expected to live with such a burden?"
Yoda's baleful gaze settled upon him. "How can you not, Obi-Wan?" He asked.
Leaving the young master to think over his words Yoda began to teeter away on his stick, pausing only at the doorway to cast a long, lingering look at the stricken Obi-Wan.
"Go where life takes us we must, Obi-Wan." Yoda bowed his head sagely. "Listen to the will of the force! One day, understand you will."
Obi-Wan watched sorrowfully as Yoda's diminutive figure retreated into the distance, the reassuring tap of the little walking aide decreasing until he had to strain his ears to catch the sound. With each step that Yoda took Obi-Wan's spirit diminished further still. He knew deep down that Yoda was correct, but cold logic could not replace the feeling of betrayal or the heavy burden of shame that threatened to shake his belief in the Jedi by the throat.
"One day, perhaps." He repeated softly. "But not yet. I've done many things in my time for the greater good of the galaxy. Now it seems I am required to play the coward as well."
Jemmiah, should she ever learn of his betrayal, would most likely forgive him. But Obi-Wan knew that he might never be able to forgive himself.