The Doctor set the controls on the console and rocked with its movement. It seemed sort of lulling, comforting, this brutal shaking the Tardis did on a regular basis. He wasn't quite sure why.

The Tardis landed with a shudder and he stood up. He'd always wanted to go to this planet. It was so…red. So beautifully red, the color of—well, the color of volcanoes and fire and lava. The Volcano Planet. Rubbish name, he thought. Rubbish? Such an English term. Like chips. The Doctor likes chips, especially when—he closed off that rather pointless train of thought and opened the door, walking out on the rocky surface of the Planet With a Rather Rubbish Name.

It was aptly named, he supposed. Volcanoes dotted up over the entire surface, shooting flaming balls of molten rock into the different craters. It was completely uninhabited, and—

A bolt of what felt like electricity slammed into a rock not two inches from his head. He ducked by instinct and leapt behind the rock. "Who's there?" he called out.

No one answered.

Well, to be precise, another electric bolt shot into the rock. That counted as an answer, he supposed.

"I'm not accustomed to being shot at by someone I can't see," he called out again. Well, then again maybe he was. They just usually identified themselves by hurling insults or puffing themselves up. "Who are you?"

In answer, there was another bolt.

The Doctor peeked around the edge of the rock and saw a red creature peek over another rock and point some sort of gun at him. He ducked behind his rock again as another bolt slammed into it.

His mind ran through all the creatures he knew. It hadn't looked like any of them. He decided for the direct approach and stood up. "Ah, hello!" he said, even though no one was there. "Funny story; I was walking along minding my own business when I was shot at. Do you know why I was? Shot at, that is. I know why I was walking…" he let the sentence trail away; it was leading nowhere.

The little red creature peeked over the rock and ducked back again. "Go away!" a little voice piped up. "The enemy is strong enough to take you."

The Doctor looked around, then gasped. The Tardis had been shot at numerous times. "You shot my Tardis!" he said indignantly.

"It is the enemy," the voice retorted.

"Enemy? It's the Tardis, and you've shot it!" He was rather angry now and had no intention of leaving. "Why did you shoot my Tardis?"

"It is the enemy," the voice said pragmatically.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Believe me, the Tardis is the farthest thing away from an enemy. She's a strong ship, a living creature. She thrives on the energy of the Time Vortex and—"

"It is the color of water."

The Doctor looked and the little red creature had risen above the rock and was now staring at him with animosity, curiosity, ambiguity, and a few other –ity's. "And what's wrong with water?" he asked it.

It gestured to the volcanoes and flame spurts all around. "Water is the enemy."

"Oh," he said slowly. "I get it now…" Then he frowned. "The Tardis isn't water. Granted, I think there's a swimming pool somewhere in there, but the Tardis is not water."

"It is blue."

"Yes, she's blue! She's a magnificent color, and there isn't anything wrong with—"

The creature raised his gun and he ducked just in time. "You defend the enemy," it said.

"Oh for Pete's sake," the Doctor groaned. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I am a volcano sprite."

"A volcano sprite? As in the legends of the fourth moon of Indaris?"

"I am not a legend."

"I can see that."

The volcano sprite that was not a legend asked, slightly lowering its gun, "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor."

The sprite shrank back. "The Doctor?" It raised its gun and the Doctor ducked just in time(again).

"Why are you shooting me?"

"Why would I not?"

The Doctor peeked around the rock. The creature was also peeking around his rock and shot at him (again). "Oi!" he protested.

"You defend the enemy," it said again.

He groaned. (again, if you're keeping a tally) "Can I just leave, then?"

"Yes."

"Fine." He stood and walked toward the Tardis. "I hope this doesn't count as me running away from conflict, since running away from conflict is…well, truthfully speaking it's what I've always done. But aside from that, it's—"

"Be silent and go away."

The Doctor raised his eyebrows and walked quicker toward the Tardis. Just a little bit quicker, mind you. He wasn't running. He opened the door, walked in, and closed the door quickly. Not too quickly, of course. Not that he was scared of a little volcano sprite.

Not at all.

Of course, that would explain why he never returned to the Planet With a Slightly Rubbish Name that Also Happens to be Accurate.

Author's Note: I wrote this for a friend, and it's just a sort of funny one-shot with no plot really, and if there are ginormous holes in the realisticness of it, sorry. Hope you enjoyed it, though!