Fanfiction Fury
NOTE: A resemblance to any living or dead person's fanfiction is unintentional on the part of the author.
Our four turtle heroes were fighting Tempestra, who blasted Mikey (who was swinging his nun-chuks) with snowy air, but it was merely a distraction, for Leonardo was sneaking behind her and—oh. Oh, wait. Actually they were just lazily sitting on the couch in their lair doing nothing.
"Hey," said Raph. "Teenagers need their rest."
"Yeah," said Mikey, "and our show's run its course. What could fanfiction really bring to the plate?"
Suddenly, there was a blinding purple flash of light! In front of the turtles' TV set, a little fairy in a purple one-piece appeared.
"Hello, turtle friends," she said. "I thought I heard somebody criticize fanfiction."
"Wow," said Donatello. "No more pizzas with mushrooms we don't research first."
The fairy looked annoyed. "Hey," she said. "I'm not a hallucination! My name's Fic Mu, guardian of fanfiction everywhere!"
"Is that pronounced Moo or Mew?" asked Mikey.
"Michelangelo," said Leo, "she just said it."
"Yeah," said Mikey, "but it's a fanfic! The words aren't spoken."
Fic Mu quickly beat her wings and flew circles around the four turtles. Purple sparkles floated down, and then there was another purple flash.
When the turtles got their bearings again, they saw that they were in a circular metal room with shining dimensional portals all along the wall. Each portal had a red label over it.
"What is this place, Fic Mu, and why did you bring us here?" asked Leo.
"I'm here to show you all what you're missing by not having more fanfiction written about you.
"Each of these portals represents a different genre. Enter a portal and see what you could be doing!"
"And if we want to leave?" asked Raph.
"You'd ruin the drama of this poor author's story?"
"Hey, what's the one labeled 'turtlecest' about?" asked Mikey.
"Uh…" replied Fic Mu, "pick a different one. Trust me."
The turtles debated for a bit, before running into the portal marked in big red letters: Tragedy. They decided to get it out of the way before getting to the good stuff.
The courageous turtles stepped out of the portal into an alley somewhere in the city. It was nearly pitch, no, coal black, and the sky was the particular scarlet hue of a pool of escaped life fluid.
"You mean blood?" Raphael said.
Everything was silent. Too silent. The four turtle brothers all knew that something life-changing would soon occur.
"You know," said Raphael, "you'd think there'd be some car noises or something. We are in a city, after all."
Donatello looked up. "I guess this is the later seasons of our cartoon."
A dark troop of shadows, angry shadows, began walking towards the turtles—
"A dark shadow, really?" said Leonardo.
Our turtles eventually watched as the shadows became four Purple Dragons members. Two were holding chains, and two long knives.
"Okay guys, time to get down and dirty!" said Leo, drawing his katanas.
"Go Green Machine!" all four let out a rallying cry.
One member of the Purple Dragons stepped forward and let out a truly maniacal laugh, which made the normally fearless turtle brothers sweat and shake with terror.
"W-what's up with this?" asked their brave leader, Leonardo, hopelessly. "Why would we be afraid of some gang member laughing?"
The four gang members leapt forwards and attacked! One jabbed a knife at Raphael, who swiftly blocked the strike with a scalpel-sharp sai. Another imposing man swung a chain, trying to crack Donatello's skull, but the purple-masked turtle ducked, and took him down with his bo, which promptly splintered over the man's rock-hard muscles.
"Aw, that was my favorite bo! Was this the tragedy?" he asked, not knowing what lay ahead.
"Yeah," began to question Michelangelo, also unknowing of what was to come. "This is starting to bore me du—" the other three brothers' hearts were seized with icy cold as a chain came out of nowhere, and smashed their little brother's head in—
"H-hey," Leonardo choked out, as streams of salty tears coursed down his cheeks, "We're all the s-same age, aren't we? Fic Mu, g-get us out of here!"
The next thing they knew, they were on the floor of the circular metal room again. Don inspected Mikey's head, which seemed totally healed.
"Well," said Mikey, "that was an interesting change from coming out unscathed all the time."
Fic Mu herself appeared in front of him. "Do you appreciate what fanfiction can accomplish, yet?" she asked, excitedly.
"Nah, not really. That one was kinda overwritten. It reminded me of a boring soap opera on TV." Michelangelo got up. "Let's pick another one, guys. Hey, does that portal say Mary Sue on it? Who'd name a genre after a girl?"
"Let's try it out!" said Leo, and the four of them ran into the dimensional portal.
They appeared inside the Technodrome, in the security sector. A/N Yea I no the technodrome was destoryed by this point but I needed a good origin story for my OC lol XD
"What was that?!" yelled Raph.
"I think it was," Donny gulped, "an author's note in the middle of the fanfic."
The turtles crept all ninja-y down the hallway through security, where Shredder and Krang kept their prisoners. Emerald, no, lilac eyes, no, a pair of one of each watched them.
The turtles turned to look into a cell, and saw the beautiful figure of a half lizard girl, voluptuous despite her young age of 16 A/N That's who has the emerald and lilac eyes—
"This fic's getting weird too," said Raph, already feeling a sudden connection to the beautiful young women inside the cell. A/N I probably shoulda used a differnt word then beautiful again, but to late now lol
"Oh," said the woman in an amazing sonorous voice, "you must be the Ninja Turtles. I've heard so much about you! I am called Marina, the naga princess."
The turtles felt their souls reaching out for hers, despite only knowing each other for less than a minute. It was like something from a bad romance movie, but as this was real life, it was totally different!
"KAWAII!" shouted Raph, in awe of Marina's beauty. "Er, wait, why did I just feel compelled to say that?"
"I think this is a robot designed by Krang!" yelled Leo. "There's no way we would feel this way without some kind of mind control!"
"Oh no," pleaded Marina. "I'm no robot! Please, I just want to love all of you forever!"
Fic Mu appeared in a mini explosion of sparkles. "You guys are messing up the story!" she said.
"Well we don't like this one, either!" said Leo.
"Fine," she grumbled, and made them appear back in the portal nexus.
"These have all been busts so far, dudes," said Mikey. "What should we do now?"
"Hey," said Raph, pointing to yet another portal. "There's Action! It's tried and true, sure, but there's no way it could be bad."
The others agreed, and they walked through the Action portal. The four of them appeared in front of the new Channel 6 News building, which looked the same as always, aside from the eight-foot tall mutant armadillo holding a whip standing in the middle of the street.
"Alright!" yelled Raph. "This is more like it!"
"Turtle power!" the ninja turtles shouted, and charged at the beast, weapons out.
He cracked the whip, almost hitting him, but he was too fast for him! His weapon blocked his, stopping it.
"Er, wait, who did what there?" asked Leo.
He charged him, knocking his weapon out of his hand. He took that opportunity to charge him, hitting him, which cause him to fall to the ground. He ran around him, jabbing him with his blade, but then he also joined the fray—
Donatello paused. "You see, guys," he said, "this is what happens when an author obfuscates antecedents."
"Er, what?" asked Michelangelo.
"I mean, when the writer doesn't say who does what."
"This fic's hurting my brain," said Raphael. "Fic Mu, take us outta here."
The fairy appeared. She was obviously annoyed, but complied. The turtles teleported back to the nexus.
"Okay, Fic Mu," said Leonardo. "Why don't you suggest where we should go?"
"Fine by me! Why not try the Romance portal?"
The brothers looked at each other. None of them were really sappy types, but it would be nice to get steady girlfriends….
They went through the portal, and ended up in Donatello's room, where he liked to tinker with technology and invent crazy things. Donatello had, in fact, been teleported right into his desk chair. None other than April walked in! She was carrying a Turtle Com.
"Hey guys," she said. "Donatello, could you fix my Turtle Com? It broke while I was on a news story that required some mountain climbing."
"Sure thing, April," Don said.
Raph whispered to Leo. "I still don't see how this is gonna be a romance."
April slowly walked over to Donatello. She reached out and put down the broken Turtle Com down on his desk, and as she did, her large, marshmellowy bosom pressed up against him.
Don felt blood rushing to his face, and jumped back.
"Uh, sorry about that April—"
"Oh, I don't mind at all," April said, fluttering her eyelids. "In fact, I'd like to get ever closer..."
Donatello looked like his head would soon explode.
"Well, now I know what color a guy with green skin blushes," said Mikey, in the background. "I think Fic Mu'd better get us out of here."
With another flash, the turtles were back where they started. Don looked a little unhappy to have left, though.
"Now do you understand what fanfiction's good for?" asked Fic Mu, clearly using the last of her patience.
"I don't think so, Fic Mu," said Leonardo. He turned to his brothers. "Turtle-human relations are just weird, but there's a more important reason why I don't think this fanfiction thing is working out.
"Think about it, guys, we had professional writers for our show, and think of the lapses in quality we had there. If we're in fanfics, anybody can write for us, so think of the stinkers of stories we'd get! I think we're lucky we've flown under the radar."
"Aw, c'mon!" said Raph. "Don't be such a killjoy! What if the rest of us want to go on more adventures! I'm going to try that portal over there." Raphael ran through the portal marked Meta Fiction… and immediately appeared in the middle of the nexus again.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well," replied Fic Mu, "you're already in a meta fanfiction, so nothing happened."
Mikey held his head. "All this meta is hurting my brain!"
Fic Mu shook her head. "You guys are hopeless." She snapped her fingers, and they were back on their couch in the sewer.
Raphael yawned. "That was quite a ride!" he said. "I wonder if there will be some gem of a story written about us in the future."
"Y'know," said Donatello, "I wonder who else Fic Mu took on a tour of those fanfic portals?"
"So you're telling us that we could use these portals to create a universe where we crush those wretched reptiles?" asked the Shredder. He and Krang had been whisked away in the middle of an important planet-conquering mission by the very same fairy.
"That's right!" said Fic Mu. "Pick any genre of story you want! I'm sure one of them will lead to the destruction of those annoying turtles."
Krang gestured to the portal labeled Slash. "Let's try that one!" he said. "It sounds nice and violent!"
"Uh, wait, you shouldn't—"Fic Mu tried to warn them, but they had already left. "Oh well, they already act a bit like a married couple…."
THE END