An Assassin's Worst Day
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A/N: What follows in a highly experimental foray into the world of Twitter, essentially Red Eye from Jackson's perspective. Man, I laughed in that movie. It really was just a terrible day for him. I had some trouble with the formatting when translating this to a story, namely the at symbols, so please forgive the use of AT in their place. Also, the at handle is missing from the jackrip address. Aaaandddddd... enjoy! Let me know what you think!
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JackRip jackrip
Delayed at DAL as usual. Holding out for sunny Miami.
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JackRip jackrip
Still delayed. This biatch has a lot to answer for forcing me here.
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JackRip jackrip
First sight of Daddy's girl. She's so pretty. Wish I didn't have to do this. Life is so unfair. I'll do this last hit and retire.
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JackRip jackrip
Lol jk.
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JackRip jackrip
I luv killin
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JackRip jackrip
Yes! Still in baggage reg. Right behind Daddy's girl. What should I say...?
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JackRip jackrip
Ha! Congrats, asshole. Doc at head of line chewed out air staff. I stepped in to defend staff. Daddy's girl v. impressed.
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JackRip jackrip
Bitch turned down my offer for a drink!
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JackRip jackrip
ATSilverBullet srsly dude I'm never getting out of this airport.
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JackRip jackrip
Drowned myself in Old Spice. Must have worked. Daddy's girl is coming this way!
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JackRip jackrip
May have overdone it on the Old Spice. Daddy's girl forgot what drink she liked. Made me look stupid. Grr. Keep smiling, Jackson. :#
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JackRip jackrip
Daddy's girl left. Had to make "calls". I know the truth. She fears my powerful man aura.
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JackRip jackrip
Finally! On plane. Cheers ATMadDog making hit on 18F at last minute. Nice arrangement. Daddy's girl should be here any moment.
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JackRip jackrip
Aaaaaaand the eagle has landed.
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JackRip jackrip
"What a coincidence, tee hee hee ha!"
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JackRip jackrip
Hnn. Asked to shunt bags. Do I look like a doorman to you, lady?
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JackRip jackrip
Note to self: kill Dr Phil.
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JackRip jackrip
Daddy's girl is afraid of flying. How cute. 3 Take it easy, girl... now...
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JackRip jackrip
BOOM! Just like that. Yep, believe it, girl. This is Your Life, presented to you by Your Daddy is a Dead Man.
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JackRip jackrip
Good Daddy's Girl agreed to everything. Wish she would stop crying. Tears put me off my airline peanuts.
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JackRip jackrip
You gotta be kidding me. What could you possibly want out of your bag mid-flight, you harpy wench?
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JackRip jackrip
Relax, Jacks, it's all going to plan...
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JackRip jackrip
Wait! What's that she's got?
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JackRip jackrip
ATDrPhil: Imma kill you.
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JackRip jackrip
ATDrPhil: with kittens on top.
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JackRip jackrip
Knocked that biatch out cold. She can sleep while I pay my bills online. Might have a talk to the old lady while I'm at it.
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JackRip jackrip
Old lady agreed it would be better if I were to retain possession of Dr Phil's masterpiece. I'll bludgeon him with it.
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JackRip jackrip
lol ATairhostesses "sir must turn off all mobile devices while plane is in the air." lol! As if. How else could I tweet?
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JackRip jackrip
Yeah lady, I heard you. I'll go live in the woods with the bears, too. That primitive enough for you?
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JackRip jackrip
Daddy's girl is awake. Read to her from Dr Phil. Some of this advice isn't too bad. Hmm.
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JackRip jackrip
ATDrPhil: jk. I really will beat you to death with your own self-help book.
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JackRip jackrip
Oops. Daddy's girl needs to go bathroom. Ha! Hold it.
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JackRip jackrip
She threatened to pee on me. Gross. She can go.
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JackRip jackrip
Was gonna watch her. Got message from electric co. saying my savings account was overdrawn. Fuu.
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JackRip jackrip
ATCarolineRippner: stop bleeding me. I'm a hit man, for chrissake, and I still can't support your maintenance costs.
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JackRip jackrip
ATCarolineRippner: I dunno, buy less freaking shoes, maybe?
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JackRip jackrip
Cancel the domestic. Daddy's girl is still in bathroom. Outta the way, curious little girl. I'm going in!
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JackRip jackrip
Curious little girl kinda reminds me of my girl. Oh Lucy. Why don't you speak to Daddy any more?
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JackRip jackrip
Damn it! While I'm getting sentimental, Daddy's girl is writing nasty things about me in the bathroom!
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JackRip jackrip
A bomb on 18F indeed. How original.
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JackRip jackrip
ATSilverBullet: Daddy's girl and I need to have a serious chat.
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JackRip jackrip
ATSilverBullet: as tempting as that is, bustin caps in Daddy's ass now will only screw us over.
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JackRip jackrip
This girl just won't stop lying to me... come on, my man-ray vision can see right through you!
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JackRip jackrip
Oh thank f*&#. Bitch made the call. Maybe when Mr Secretary Dick is dead and I'm paid, life will be better.
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JackRip jackrip
That reminds me, rent is overdue.
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JackRip jackrip
Car repayments overdue.
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JackRip jackrip
Must do grocery shopping soon to keep self alive.
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JackRip jackrip
ATCarolineRippner: CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME?!
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JackRip jackrip
ATDeathTorpedo: is everything in place?
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JackRip jackrip
ATDeathTorpedo: lol wish I could see it. BOOM, man!
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JackRip jackrip
ATSilverBullet: let her make the call to see he's safe and then kill him anyway. rofl.
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JackRip jackrip
Okay! Landing. This job is finally looking up.
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JackRip jackrip
Ahh Miami. 3
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JackRip jackrip
Waiting for this harpy to ask me for bag help again.
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JackRip jackrip
Waiting...
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JackRip jackrip
):[-] STABBED! The bitch stabbed me!
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JackRip jackrip
WHO STABS A MAN IN THE NECK WITH A PEN!
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JackRip jackrip
I could DIE, ya know?
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JackRip jackrip
Curious little girl tripped me in the aisle. Just like my Lucy used to do... both the pain and the memory brings a tear to my eye.
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JackRip jackrip
Ripped pen from my throat. Seriously! WTF, girl?
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JackRip jackrip
Running is harder after an emergency oesophagoscopy.
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JackRip jackrip
ATSilverBullet: be on lookout, she's coming. Grabbed a car, I'll be right there.
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JackRip jackrip
ATSilverBullet: Silver?
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JackRip jackrip
Out in the 'burbs. See ATSilverBullet's car, no Silver.
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JackRip jackrip
Ohmygod Silver! You witch! ATSilverBullet had a new baby daughter, ya know?
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JackRip jackrip
We were poker buddies, ya know? We went through hit man school together!
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JackRip jackrip
R.I.P. ATSilverBullet. The most I can do now is avenge you.
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JackRip jackrip
Daddy's girl is here, I know it. Managed to knock out Daddy. I might beat him to death with Dr Phil's body.
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JackRip jackrip
Whoohoo, Daddy's girl!
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JackRip jackrip
Wish I could speak to tell this broad how much I want to slap her.
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JackRip jackrip
Ouch! Hit every one of those stairs on the way down...
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JackRip jackrip
Ow! Ow! A hockey stick? REALLY? Now you're going to pummel me to death with a HOCKEY STICK?
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JackRip jackrip
I oughta've taken the bears in the woods... ow.
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JackRip jackrip
Jesus Christ almighty. I've nearly got her. Nearly! I can hear the cops. The mission might have failed. But I've got her.
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JackRip jackrip
ATCarolineRippner: whaddaya mean killing one innocent girl won't pay the child support?! I can't even pay my rent, let alone your child suppo
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JackRip jackrip
rt, you money-grabbing harridan, you witch of the soul, you foul demon from the most wretched depths of hell!
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JackRip jackrip
I haven't been this sore since I lost that match against MadDog. Hope I can keep it together enough to make an escape.
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JackRip jackrip
Oh, shit. Daddy's got the gun-
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JackRip jackrip
Don't do it, man!
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JackRip jackrip
Lucy.
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JackRip jackrip
...
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JackRip jackrip
Third day in hospital, first day I've been able to move my fingers. Can't believe Daddy missed my heart.
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JackRip jackrip
Just saw the medical bill. Why couldn't Daddy have killed me?
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JackRip jackrip
Anyone know a good lawyer? And by good I mean free.
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JackRip jackrip
Anyone?
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JackRip jackrip
Sigh.
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A/N: Love/ hate it? Let me know. :)