This has been broken into bite-size pieces, and revamped just a bit, please forgive me!
A/N it's almost that time again- the new book will be released in about two weeks, and the saga of Harry Potter will finally be told in full. i, however, happen to have a copy of the exclusive epilogue to the series, in which we discover the fates of all of our favourite characters… perhaps these are predictions- OR ARE THEY SPOILERS? Well, read ahead. The answer will become clear very quickly.
Disclaimeratus Nonlawsuitius! i do not own Harry Potter, or any of the million-odd other characters in the books. i'm holding out for Percy Weasley, though…
AND SO: Harry, Voldemort, Ron, Hermione, Snape, Neville, Bellatrix, and Percy
Harry and Voldemort die. Together. On page 734. The event is marked by a single kinda vague sentence ("The struggle was evenly matched, punctuated with cries of "Harry and Voldemort- yeah!" and then the crowd fell silent... no.") and isn't confirmed for another chapter and a half, at which point the story of the lamp/blood debacle is revealed.
The death scene for Harry is tragedy in its purest form. Finally confronting the evil Lord Voldemort, Harry smashes his head in with a table lamp. Unfortunately, he then trips into a puddle of blood, not realizing the lamp is actually still plugged in. BLOODTRICUTED. They die together, as neither could live while both had 6000 volts of electricity coursing through them. However, no one is surprised by this, as the internet-provoked bookstore crash just ruined the ending for everyone involved.
Hermione and Ron hook up, but when she cheats on him with a redeemed Snape (who was indeed acting on Dumbledore's orders when he killed him,) all hell breaks loose. They go on to assault one another with folding chairs on the Jerry Zinger show. They forgive each other, while Snape is left in the consoling arms of an obese woman who flashed the camera for a free t-shirt. (Incidentally, if one squints, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle are visible attempting to restrain Hermione. Their stellar work as bodyguards on one of daytime's most controversial talk shows led to their starring role on a spin-off reality series on Bravo. Wizard Bravo.)
Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood also pair off. They will eventually have retarded Catbus-from-Totoro babies, and actually will wallpaper rooms of their house with Drooble's Best Blowing Gum wrappers. Long before this, Neville exacts his revenge on Bellatrix Lestrange, forcing her to watch Lazytown in its original Icelandic until she too loses her mind and is ironically forced to live in the same St. Mungo's ward as the elder Longbottoms. It's okay, Gilderoy Lockheart shares his My Little Ponies with her, and the whole world becomes fractionally nicer.
In the meantime, Snape suffocates from a bit too much obese consolation. He dies a hero. He is mourned pretty much only by Dumbledore himself, who is chillaxing behind the black veil with Sirius Black, Harry Potter, and Lord Voldemort. Actually, Snape makes it there too... There are strippers, fruity drinks, and free iTunes downloads for all eternity. The veil is indeed passable from the other side, whereupon those who have fallen into the land from whose bourne no traveler has e're returned can return, but the gang has found out what dreams DO come, and they are good dreams indeed.
PERCY WEASLEY IS REVEALED TO BE A DEATH EATER. As he was spying for Dumbledore, and mentored by Snape, there is pretty much no one left to vouch for his continued good-guy-ness. He is forgiven by his one true love and she designs a full-sleeve irezumi to go along with the Dark Mark. Percy and she are married in a beautiful wedding in Fiji, but the marriage is soon dissolved as he is a fictional character while she is a sad, deluded girl. Unfortunately, no-one else forgives Percy for being a Death Eater, even though he WAS a spy, and he moves to Japan. He is tragically killed when he enters a Yakuza-run bath house with the wrong tattoos showing.
A/N- for those who have already read these, there will only be minor revisions in the bits I have already done. It should be easy enough to pick up where you left off, as the character names are in the chapter titles.