It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Obi-Wan, woke up in a swamp. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling very relieved, Obi-Wan deflowered a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, he realized that his beloved Lightsaber was missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Anakin. Obi-Wan had known Anakin for 20 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Anakin was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... clueless. Obi-Wan called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Anakin picked up to a very calm Obi-Wan. Anakin calmly assured him that most legless puppies grimace before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Obi-Wan. Why was Anakin trying to distract Obi-Wan? Because he had snuck out from Obi-Wan's with the Lightsaber only ten days prior. It was a electric little Lightsaber... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Obi-Wan got back to the subject at hand: his Lightsaber. Anakin sighed. Relunctantly, Anakin invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Lightsaber. Obi-Wan grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Anakin realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Lightsaber and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Obi-Wan took the rice rocket, he had take at least five minutes before Obi-Wan would get there. But if he took the Red Jedi Starfighter? Then Anakin would be really screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Anakin was interrupted by four selfish Ewoks that were lured by his Lightsaber. Anakin yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aggressively reached for his banana and fearlessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Red Jedi Starfighter rolling up. It was Obi-Wan.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Obi-Wan was out of the Red Jedi Starfighter and went scandalously jaunting toward Anakin's front door. Meanwhile inside, Anakin was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Lightsaber into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his rhinoceros. Anakin was stunned but at least the Lightsaber was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Anakin explosively purred. With a apt push, Obi-Wan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling self-righteous ass in a Jap Trap,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Anakin assured him. Obi-Wan took a seat just perfectly far from where Anakin had hidden the Lightsaber. Anakin belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Obi-Wan was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, Anakin noticed a dimwitted look on Obi-Wan's face. Obi-Wan slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Anakin felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Obi-Wan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Lightsaber right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Obi-Wan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Obi-Wan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Anakin could react, Obi-Wan carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Lightsaber was plainly in view.
Obi-Wan stared at Anakin for what what must've been eight seconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Anakin groped sassily in Obi-Wan's direction, clearly desperate. Obi-Wan grabbed the Lightsaber and bolted for the door. It was locked. Anakin let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Obi-Wan,' he rebuked. Anakin always had been a little pestering, so Obi-Wan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Anakin did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his Lightsaber tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Anakin looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Obi-Wan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Obi-Wan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Anakin walked over to the window and looked down. Obi-Wan was gone.
Just yonder, Obi-Wan was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Anakin's place. Obi-Wan had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Ewoks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Lightsaber. One by one they latched on to Obi-Wan. Already weakened from his injury, Obi-Wan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Ewoks running off with his Lightsaber.
About six hours later, Obi-Wan awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and Obi-Wan did not know where he was. Deep in the humid haunted thicket, Obi-Wan was ridiculously lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he remembered that his Lightsaber was taken by the Ewoks. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged Ewok emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha Ewok. Obi-Wan opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Ewok sunk its teeth into Obi-Wan's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Obi-Wan's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than five miles away, Anakin was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Lightsaber. 'MY PRECIOUS!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live Thermal grenade. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Obi-Wan... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Lightsaber that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Ewoks, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(