The Unsub We're Looking For...
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
This is set when Emily Prentiss is still in the BAU, probably after season 7 episode 4 due to mention of the prank war between Morgan and Reid.
"Derek Alexander Morgan!"
Morgan's pen froze in the middle of the word "and". He knew that voice anywhere- it haunted his nightmares at night- it was the Mad Emily Prentiss Voice, or MEPV for short, or the You're-Going-To-Die-Very-Soon-Voice for long.
The muscular man swiveled around in his chair, not at all ashamed to admit he was terrified of what was going to occur in the next minute or so. "Hi, Emily." Calling Prentiss by her first name was proven to make her less angry.
But all his fear disappeared when he saw the predicament that had fallen upon the female FBI agent. Emily's face was covered in a white-colored powder- was that flour? "What happened to you, Prentiss?" Morgan chuckled, only to be silenced by one of Prentiss's deadly glares. The Mad Emily Prentiss Glare, they called it- MEPG for short.
"Don't give me that, Morgan!" Prentiss slammed something down onto Morgan's desk, the loud noise startling everyone else in the bullpen. Morgan glanced down at it.
"What's that? Is that a flour bomb?" Morgan asked incredulously.
Prentiss rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb with me, Morgan. I know you did it. I opened my desk drawer to get a pen and flour exploded in my face!"
Morgan was taken aback at how little Prentiss trusted him. "You think I did this? I had nothing to do with this!"
Prentiss narrowed her eyes at him. "Really? Who else could it be?"
"Uh, the whole team knows where your desk is. Any of them could have done it. It could even be Anderson, or Kevin Lynch, or anyone who knows you. Have you asked any of them yet?" How could she accuse him of something like this without any proof? She should know better than anyone you needed proof to prove someone guilty. And so far, no proof against Derek Morgan had been uncovered.
Emily shook her head, glancing around at the team. "You swear you didn't do this?" She clarified. Morgan nodded.
"I swear I didn't do this. And Emily, my middle name's not Alexander."
Emily looked surprised. "Really? Are you sure?"
"It's my middle name, Prentiss. Of course I'm sure. Why would you even think that in the first place?"
"Oh. Reid told me it meant 'Defender of Men', and I guess I just assumed it was your middle name, considering you are a defender. Of men."
Morgan shook his head, sighing.
Prentiss continued to scrutinize every inch of the bullpen. "Who could it be? Garcia? JJ? Rossi? Who else could it be if it's not you?"
Morgan stared at her, wide-eyed. This was a profiler in front of him, right? "Uh, hello? It's never crossed your mind that it could be our resident genius over there?" He gestured to where Reid was peacefully "polyphasic sleeping" on the couch. He hugged a pillow against his chest.
Emily glanced at Reid, looking as if she'd forgotten he was even there. "Reid? Look at him, Morgan. He's innocent."
People turned to glance at the two agents when Morgan began laughing hysterically. Prentiss looked around to find the source of his hysteric laughter. "What's so funny?"
Morgan calmed down in about ten seconds. "Innocent? Prentiss, look at me." He said seriously. "Reid's not just a prankster. He's a nuclear atomic bomb."
"What?" Emily looked at Morgan as if he'd grown two heads in the shape of atomic bombs.
"Last time I pranked him, he got me back by screaming in my ear. You remember that, don't you? You were sitting right next to me." Prentiss nodded. "And then the next morning, I woke up with one eyebrow and purple hair! That kid is the devil when it comes to pranks, Prentiss."
"Oh... so that's why you had one eyebrow that time. I've always wondered." Prentiss said in realization. "Okay, so maybe it's Reid. How are we supposed to know?"
Morgan smirked. "Whoever this prankster is, I'm certain he or she isn't finished yet. A flour bomb? That's amateur. He or she's just getting starting, Prentiss."
"Derek Morgan! I am going to kill you!"
Morgan looked up from his reports to see a very angry Penelope Garcia storming towards him, her golden necklace swinging frantically around her neck. "Hey, hey, hey, slow down! What'd I do this time?" He asked defensively, feeling an all-too-familiar sense of déjà vu.
The brightly-dressed woman shoved something on a stick into Morgan's hands. "How could you do something like that to me?" It was a caramel apple with rainbow-colored sprinkles on it.
"What's wrong? I thought you loved caramel." Morgan bit into the apple, and then simultaneously spit it back out. "What in the name of- is this an onion?" He sputtered, feeling quite stupid for falling for the classic "caramel onion" trick.
Garcia looked at him, surprised. "You didn't put that on my desk? What- then who did?"
"Wait. Maybe this is the same person who flour-bombed Prentiss." Morgan realized, still wiping onion from his tongue. "He's evolving. This time he's causing physical pain." He stated, wiping onion-induced tears from his eyes.
"Who's evolving? We have another case?" David Rossi asked, walking in. "Why didn't anyone tell me about this?"
"No, we're not talking about an Unsub, Rossi. There's a prankster roaming around the BAU." Garcia announced dramatically. "They've gotten Prentiss, and now me."
Rossi's eyes lit up, curious. "Really?" He went to sit down in Reid's seat. "Do tell."
Suddenly, the piercing sound of an air horn sounded loudly through the bullpen. Rossi jumped five feet (okay, fine, maybe more like a few inches) in the air, shouting in surprise. "Holy mother of all- what was that?"
Morgan and Garcia had collapsed into laughter. Rossi glared at them, bending down and revealing a bright red air horn under Reid's seat. "Your face- oh my god, that was priceless!" Garcia chortled. Morgan was laughing to hard to speak, tears springing into his eyes once again.
Rossi rolled his eyes. "I am going to find whoever did this and shove their face into the wall!" He vowed. Morgan and Garcia had finally calmed down, wiping tears from their eyes. "You guys think this is the same person who pranked Prentiss and you, Garcia?"
The two nodded. "Oh, definitely. This guy or girl is definitely getting bolder." Morgan said.
Rossi raised his eyebrows. "He or she's already struck three times. That makes him a serial prankster."
Morgan and Garcia glanced at each other. "I guess it's time to call in the Hotch Rocket." Garcia announced.
Rossi nodded, already walking towards their Unit Chief's office. "I agree. But please do us all a favor and do not call him that in front of his face."
"You all probably know why we're gathered here today. There is a dangerous unsub on the loose. We call him a serial prankster." Hotch announced to the other six members of the BAU team and the rest of the FBI agents working on the same floor.
"Based on his victim pool, we are quite certain the unsub we are looking for is among the BAU team. This unsub is highly knowledgeable in pranks and knows the BAU team well, which goes on to suggest he or she is one of our own." Everyone looked around at each other, suspicious.
"This prankster has evolved rather quickly, and we believe his or her motivation to be pure amusement. He or she will not stop until he or she is satisfied, and so we expect him or her to target every single BAU member who has not yet been targeted. We warn all to be vigilant, especially the BAU, and if you think you have a suspect in mind, please speak to me in my office. Thank you." The other FBI agents left, muttering amongst each other, leaving only the BAU team.
"I want this prankster caught and stopped before he or she causes any more trouble. Strauss is already on my heels about this." Hotch told all of them, a warning look on his face.
The team continued to cast dubious glances at each other as Hotch walked out of the bullpen. He opened the door leading out of the BAU office.
It happened in slow motion. None of them had noticed the bucket posed on the top of the door until it was too late. Everyone watched in absolute horror as the bucket tilted downwards, washing Hotch's head with what looked to be milk.
Scratch that- chunky sour milk.
Hotch turned around, breathing heavily. Morgan covered his mouth as a smile crept its way onto his face. Garcia's mouth hung wide open in horror. Rossi's eyebrows were raised in amusement. JJ and Prentiss shared horrified glances with each other. Reid stared with wide eyes.
"I want this prankster found now." He ordered, spitting something chunky and white out of his mouth. Garcia looked away in disgust. No one moved until Rossi finally realized that, being the elderly one of the group, he should probably take action to help his boss.
"Let's get you cleaned up, Hotch. I'll get maintenance to clean this mess up." He assured the shocked man, leading him out of the office.
The remaining five burst into laughter. "Now that was priceless!" Garcia pointed out. "But horrible, too, definitely horrible." She added quickly.
"The unsub must be highly audacious to pull something off like this on Hotch, of all people." Reid added. "I mean, it's Hotch!"
Morgan turned toward him. "Who's to say it's not you, Einstein?" He challenged. Reid looked genuinely hurt Morgan would even consider him to be a suspect.
"I don't pull pranks unless I'm provoked. And I have not been provoked." He defended himself. Rossi walked back through the door, listening to their argument.
"I agree. Reid's too big of a kiss-up. He'd never do this to Hotch." Rossi supported.
"Thanks, Rossi, I knew you'd- hey!" Reid sounded offended. Rossi only shrugged.
"It's true."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is."
"Hey! Does it really matter?" JJ asked exasperatedly. "God, you two act like children." She muttered, making Morgan chuckle.
"And anyways, Rossi, you were quick to jump up and help Hotch. Serial pranksters, based on our knowledge of serial killers, love to inject themselves into the investigation, or, in this case, the prank." Prentiss pointed out.
Everyone murmured in agreement. Rossi shook his head. "None of you volunteered to help him; what was I supposed to do? Get fired?"
"Answering a question with a question- that's classic guilty behavior." Morgan pointed out.
"I am not guilty. And anyways, I got pranked too, remember?"
"Technically, that prank was meant for Reid." JJ countered.
"So what? You think I would forget where I put my own air horn and prank myself?"
JJ shrugged. "You are reaching fifty, Rossi. I mean, not that that's old or anything..." She added quickly when Rossi turned to glare at her.
"What about Prentiss? Her flour bomb prank could have been a cover up. It was the least, well, harmless, of the crimes." Rossi turned the attention to the newest member of the team.
Prentiss held her hands up defensively. "Hey, that prank was not harmless. I had to spend 30 minutes cleaning all the flour out of my hair." She turned to Reid, who was staring off into space, looking like he had something on his mind. Well, more so than usual. "Reid? What are you thinking?"
Reid turned to look at them, his eyebrows furrowed. "Well, the only two people who haven't gotten pranked or haven't been targeted yet are Morgan and JJ. Is it just me or is that just a bit strange?"
The two accused parties turned to look at each other. "Well, I certainly am not the prankster. Morgan?" JJ accused.
"Who's to say you're not? I, on the other hand, am scared, because being the only one not pranked or targeted yet, I say that I soon will be caught off guard." Morgan defended himself. He turned to look at the one person who had not yet been accused.
"Baby girl? You've been awfully quiet, haven't you?"
Garcia looked at them, her expression similar to that of a deer in the headlights. "You're saying I did this? I would never- Hotch- the sour milk- I'd never even touch rotten milk!"
Morgan stroked his chin, narrowing his eyes. "Huh..."
"Everyone, go home, it's late." Everyone turned at the unexpected voice. Hotch had cleaned up. There were no traces of milk or chunks of it anywhere. The janitor had cleaned up the doorway, too, so it was like the incident had never occurred. But everyone knew better.
"We can talk about this tomorrow." He ordered.
The rest of the team relented. "Fine. But we meet here tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp." Rossi ordered. Everyone agreed and started to pack their things to go home.
Tomorrow they would catch this unsub. They had to. Knowing the nature of this unsub, he or she would have to strike again. Very soon.
A/N- This is my first ever Criminal Minds story... I really hope I portrayed the characters accurately. There will be a second chapter to this if people want it. Who do you think the serial prankster is? Please review and share your thoughts!
Thanks
Anonymous Skrtle