A/N: Just a little drabble idea that popped into my head. Don't mind me~ ;P
"Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him; don't rub it in my face."
Don't stand there and try to tell me what to do with my life. Don't tell me to stop picking on Hummel, don't tell me to leave all of you alone.
Because you don't get it. None of you could ever understand.
Kurt Hummel…
He's everything I hate. Everything I don't want to be. Everything I'm afraid of, everything that could ruin me.
I didn't want this; I didn't want to find myself increasingly attracted to him, didn't want to think about him or dream about him or accidentally have him flash in my mind before I reach an ending when I'm alone; I didn't want to be labeled or seen or known as what I am, the same thing that he is.
So don't rub it in my face; don't show me everything that I can't be but desire, must hide but don't want to fight, because it's still me, as sickening as that is.
So I shove Kurt around. I bully him, harass him, couldn't help myself when I kissed him.
It's because I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to make him hate me, don't you see?
I had to bully him. Had to be what I don't want to be, had to do what I didn't want to do.
They say that elementary kids pick on the ones they like because they don't know better.
But I'm in high school. I know better.
And I know that if I push Kurt around and be mean to him, he won't return my feelings of affection for him. And if he doesn't return my feelings, then I don't have to worry about him wanting to date me. And if he doesn't date me, then no one will know my secret.
Don't you understand now?
It's the only way to protect myself. It's the only way to protect him. If Kurt hates me, then we won't be together, can't be together, and I'm safe with my dirty secret and he's safe from my overpowering crush on him.
It's a good things, really, in a sad, twisted, horrible way.
Because I know he wouldn't want me anyway. I would probably smother him because I'd like him too much, cling to him too much. So instead, I push him away. He needs to know what I do: it's not possible. It wouldn't work.
So don't tell me to back off. This needs to be done. He needs to hate me, I need to hide my sexuality, and things need to stay the way they are. Fight me if you have to; I'll fight right back. Because I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this. But this is what I have, and I have to make do with it.