Summary:

Sherlock protects his women. Like a true gentleman. Sort of, anyway.

"You know why you're here, don't you?"

"Erm - I'm not sure, to be honest."

"Ah. This is our cue, actually."

"I'm sorry?"

"You being honest. Or not. That's why you're here."

"I don't think I know what you mean."

"Oh, please. Don't be tedious. You're perfectly aware of your deficiencies in that department. But I'm not concerned with your moral standing. I'm solely concerned with the effect that your rather lax attitude towards truthfulness may have on the happiness of the lady."

"Oh, I'm sure -"

"You should be aware that you will need to fulfil a number of conditions in order to qualify for the position you're aspiring to. Given your record, I don't suppose you attach much significance to the concept commonly known as "fidelity". But you at least understand the technical meaning of the term "exclusivity", don't you?"

"Of course! What makes you think that -"

"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

"Erm - "

"Very good. If that's understood, let's move on to the other requirements."

"Other - ?"

"Yes. Apart from unquestionable faithfulness, you'll also be required to be utterly attentive, considerate and respectful at all times and in all situations. You will defer unconditionally to the lady's wishes. You will not press your attentions on her when they're not welcome, but neither will you fail to attend in an exemplary manner to all her emotional and physical needs, whenever she expresses the desire that you should do so."

"I - "

"You will of course observe all the common social conventions. Small gifts at regular intervals, naturally - flowers, chocolates - Guylian Sea Shells are a special favourite, I believe - and the occasional good bottle of wine... No spirits, needless to say."

"Oh, of course not! If that's what you're worried about - the café's unlicensed, and my faith - "

"Yes, yes, I know. There's a reason why your advances have been tolerated at all up to this point."

"What? You mean - "

"Special treats will include red roses and dinner at the Ritz at Christmas, on birthdays and Valentine's Day... would you like to take some notes?"

"No, it – it's not like I hadn't planned - "

"Now, as for the lady's preferences in a more intimate respect, I could easily give you a comprehensive list of dos and don'ts, too, but I'm being reliably informed that in that field, a certain spontaneity and a measure of surprise are generally seen as conducive rather than detrimental to a successful relationship. So I'll refrain, and let you make your own discoveries. Don't look at me like that, please. I can read a man's military career in his face and his leg, and their sister's drinking habits in their mobile phone. I assure you that this kind of deductive exercise is amateur level, by comparison."

"Well, I'm – I'm glad to hear that, I suppose..."

"Good. Then I'd like you to sign these papers now."

"What? You want me to sign some sort of contract on this?"

"Oh, no. I'm merely assisting you in getting some long overdue paperwork sorted out. This first document should be familiar enough to you, since the Islamabad Family Court has forwarded it to you no less than three times over the last year. It's not my fault you've blithely neglected to return it to them with the necessary signature until now."

"But that's – that's - "

"None of the lady's business? I think it is. You don't expect her to commit herself to such a far-reaching undertaking without any solid proof on your part that you're serious about it, do you? And besides, you'll certainly agree with me that you can hardly expect the unfortunate other party in these proceedings to keep adhering to principles you've long stopped believing in yourself. Here, on the line at the bottom, please. Well done."

"I really - "

"Now, this other document you've seen before, too. Given the terms that this Doncaster solicitor proposes, I feel a certain measure of sympathy for your reluctance to agree to them. But I'm sure your business is doing well enough to meet even more excessive alimony demands than those."

"I don't suppose I have a choice, do I?"

"No, of course not."

"Well. Alright. I just wish - "

"Yes?"

"Nothing. I hope that's all?"

"For the time being, yes. I'm sure we've laid the necessary groundwork now. The rest is up to you. But make no mistake, please – should you fail to live up to the lady's expectations, and prove to be anything less than the absolute epitome of anything she could wish for in her partner, in every possible respect, you'll have me to deal with. I will be monitoring."

"Oh, merciful God - "

"And please don't insult your own intelligence by trying to sneak any sub-standard performance on your part past me. If you do, you may rely on the Council's health inspectors to find an intolerably high number of dead rats in your kitchen next time they come around, and that will be the end of Speedy's as we know it."

"I – I - "

"Excellent. I'm glad we understand each other, Mr Chatterjee."

THE END

Endnote:

A little gift for maryagrawatson, who wanted to be reassured that Mrs Hudson is perfectly happy with Mr Chatterjee, and definitely not suffering at the hands of yet another compulsive cheat.

Off-the-cuff and unbetaed. Apologies all around.