Sherlock Holmes and The Mystery of the Annoying Automated Call Service
Summary – Seeing as John couldn't work a chip and pin machine without getting into a row, it was decided that it would probably be safer letting Sherlock deal with updating his car insurance. WRONG!
Disclaimer – I tried to think of a witty and unique line to say I don't own Sherlock. I failed. I'm going with the very original - I don't own Sherlock.
It was just another boring day, at least for Sherlock, in Baker Street. John was determinedly not looking at the bills all over the mantelpiece and Sherlock was in his pyjamas staring at the ceiling which had a rather suspicious-looking-Sherlock-type-of-stain on it. Mrs Hudson was not going to be happy. Great, something else going on the rent.
John decided it was time for tea and as he got up he noticed a bill for Sherlock, with Churchill car insurance on the envelope.
"Sherlock, why have you got a car insurance bill when you don't even have a car?" Sherlock didn't even acknowledge that he knew John existed. "Sherlock, are you listening?"
"I do have a car" he said, turning towards John. "It's with Mycroft because I lost my license 10 years ago."
"10 years ago? What on earth did you do?"
"Put police lights on top and installed a siren. Don't know why Lestrade made such a fuss, he didn't even find the stolen goods in the boot".
" Why did you even have stolen go- Oh never mind! What are you going to do about this car insurance? You know if you went on 'Go Compare' you could probably get a cheaper quote."
"I like the Churchill advert, I don't like the Go Compare advert, that man has a more displeasing face than Anderson."
"So what are you going to do about it."
"Well, you'll have to phone up obviously."
"Obvious- No wait, what? Me? No, it's your car insurance, you deal with it!"
"I suppose with your previous track record with having wars against innocent machinery I suppose that's for the best. Pass me my phone."
John passed him his phone and Sherlock dialled the number.
"I don't know what to say. What am I meant to say?"
"I don't know! Put it on speaker."
Sherlock put it on speaker and a robotic voice filled the flat.
"Welcome to Churchill Car Insurance. Please state your name after the beep."
Sherlock looked across at John before saying – "Sherlock Holmes".
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please repeat your name."
"Sherlock Holmes"
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Please repeat your name."
"SHERLOCK HOLMES"
"Thank you, Shirley Homes. If you would like to update your car insurance please press 1. If you have any enquiries about Churchill car insurance please press 2. To find out about more great Churchill offers please press 3. To talk to a member of staff please press 4."
Sherlock looked across at John. "I don't know, press 4." Sherlock pressed 4.
"You have decided to speak to a member of staff. Please wait while we connect you."
Music played from the speaker on the phone and Sherlock looked across at John in puzzlement. "Am I meant to name the song or something?"
John sighed. "No Sherlock, just wait for someone to pick up the phone".
They waited. And waited. Sherlock fidgeted with his dressing gown and stared at the phone as if it was going to hurt him. John finally got round to making a cup of tea and sat back down. They carried on waiting.
"We are sorry but all of our operators are busy. Your call is in a queue. Your call is important to us. Please be patient while we try to connect you".
"Hurry up!" said Sherlock. "I have important things to be doing with my time, unlike you apparently. I can tell by your tone of voice that you are having an affair with your sister's husband and you haven't..."
"Sherlock! It's a robot! It doesn't have a sister!"
"Doesn't mean it can't have affairs. That music again! Seriously if someone doesn't pick up soon..."
"Hello and Good Afternoon, Churchill Car Insurance. How may I help you?"
"Are you a robot?"
John covered his face in his hands. There was a pause on the other end of the phone. "No, I am not".
"I can tell by your hesitation and by the tone of which you responded you are clearly having an affair with your robot secretary."
"Sherlock!"
"I don't have a robot secretary." Said the man on the phone slowly. "Is this a prank call?"
"Ahh! Denial! More evidence against you – John!"
John had grabbed the phone from Sherlock's hand. "Sorry about him. We were calling about his car insurance on the car which he never uses. We received a bill today – Sherlock!"
Sherlock had snatched back the phone. "I have gone on the 'Go Compare' website as it was much more entertaining than the music you were playing down the phone and I have discovered that my money would be much better spent on 'Direct Line' car insurance than yours. Therefore you will not be getting money from me because I can't be bothered to pay money to people who have affairs with robots. Goodbye."
Sherlock hung up the phone and lay back down on the sofa as if nothing had happened. And nothing had really. Really, just another day at Baker Street.