Get Over Me, You're Only Four!

by ss10009

Sirius was the one who came up with the idea: stay with his cousin Andy and her husband Tonks. Only when Remus arrived did he figure out he was in for one helluva summer with his first mission being exactly how to get 4yo Tonks off his back.

Title: Get Over Me, You're Only Four!
Chapter One: ELNG
Summary: "Remus didn't really want to spend his summer vacation at the Tonks residence but it was the only place to go. He didn't expect Ted to be a bisexual model with freaky grins, Andromeda to be a goddess, Sirius to be more annoying than ever, or the youngest resident to fall in love with him."
Rating: PG-13/T/15+ (sexual humor, crude humor, mild language, verbosity)
Disclaimer: I do not own or have any rights to the Harry Potter series that was created by J.K. Rowling and filmed by Warner Bros. I am in affiliation with neither.
Brief Author's Note: Please refer to the bottom if there is a number in parentheses, this will provide a small author's note as I wanted my text to go straight through instead of stopping

Prongs is busy. I checked twice. So is Wormtail. I checked thrice.

I don't want to talk to Padfoot. The day I have to spend two weeks of my summer vacation with him should be something that never comes about. Sure school is fine, sure he's one of my best friends; I just can't stand being alone with him for too long! He's too...sociable. When I first came to Hogwarts, that's all I wanted: friends that would talk for me. It was easiest that way. I've always been a bit (an extreme) of an introvert.
Back then the talk was all innocent, but he's 17 now. I have no desire to listen to about how he's dating seven girls and neither of them know about the others. Relationships are all one big game to him. He doesn't realize how special they are...or how special they're supposed to be. But we're in school, it's not like any of us are going to meet up with our soul mates in the back of a potions class or something.

My mum told me that I had to stay with friends for a little while because she has a business meeting. She's not actually going to be busy with her work, she's probably looking for another husband. What are we on? Her fourth divorce now. My mother's love like can be as much as a joke as Padfoot's. (1)

I bet I'll never find a girlfriend. I mean, one that I like. I can get one. It's pretty easy when you hang out with people like Padfoot or Prongs. They'll pull strings this way and that and the next day you've got some pretty blond to date.
But that's not what I want. I want...I want...I want- okay, I don't know what I want yet. Especially not with all the choices of women there are out there. Tall, small, round, cheerful, shy, friendly, smart, athletic, I have no idea! And the whole wolf factor eliminates at least ninety-nine one hundredths of my choices. And that rare hundredth is something I'll probably never find because they'll probably in some like monogamous relationship already or they just won't like me like that or they'll be ugly...which sounds shallow, but I really would appreciate someone whose face was pleasant to look at.

Ding-dong

I can't believe I'm actually here. Padfoot told me to arrive at eight o'clock in the morning. And here it is, eight o'clock in the morning.
I think I waited about an hour before someone finally opened the door.

"Hullo," a handsome blond man appeared at the door.
Wait...did I just call a man handsome?
Oh God I hope that's not the kind of love I'm searching for.
"You must be Remus," he smiled, he had these perfectly white teeth and a dazzling smile. He looked really photogenic. He must be a model.
Seriously though, what is wrong with me?
"Sirius told us you weren't coming by until later...much later."
Oh I've figured out who model-man is. Ted Tonks! He's Andromeda's husband. And Andromeda is Sirius' cousin. Ah yes. But why wasn't he expecting me until much later. Much later.
"My apologies, Sir. In my plight to be cordial I must've let the junction become disorientated within my cognizance. That or my cohort administered the wrong instance for this occasion."
My motto is when in doubt, use big words.
I continued on with my verbosity, "But I of course believe it to be the former."
Actually, I think it's the ladder. Padfoot enjoys doing things to put me into awkward situations.
"Hmm...he told us around noon. He should know Andy and me aren't-"
"Andy and I," I muttered as he went on about how they didn't believe in mornings.

I don't think I like him. I like mornings. They've never done a thing to anyone before have they? If it's the full moon then I of all people have room to talk but I doubt he turns into a blood-thirsty creature on sight of the sun. Although, if he's dimwitted enough to look directly into the sun, he may be blinded. But it looks to me that he's got perfect vision. Unless he's been trying to feel his way around the house to answer the door for me; with the time it took for him to get here it would make sense.

"C'mon in...I suppose," he looked at me for a second as if I were a criminal but his disposition immediately changed as he gave me a broad smile. Almost as broad as his chest... Who is he, Adonis? He doesn't even have a shirt on under his dressing gown. ...Does he have anything on underneath his dressing gown? Maybe that's why it took him so long to answer the door. Of course, the least he could've done was dressed himself properly after doing...it... It shouldn't have taken him more than another hour to answer the door for me.
I really need to get off of that answering the door thing.

I gave him a smile...but it seems stupid. He could probably kill me if the sun were to reflect of off his teeth into my eye. Then I'd be the one that hated mornings...

And I entered his not so humble abode.
I can't believe how big this place is. Much bigger than it looks to be from the outside. When Andromeda married Ted and was sentenced to excommunication and shame from her family you really think of poverty. But she looks rich!

Ted is giving me this huge smile.
If you look at him long enough, it's very creepy.
"I could give you a tour," he offered. Even if I said no I bet he'd drag me through this place anyway. People that look like him can never be anything but egotistical can they? I've got Sirius to prove for that.

I spent the rest of the time between eight (probably nine...but I'll get off the door delay, I swear!) to noon going around his home...castle...estate...manor...mansion...palace...out of synonyms...

I never knew there could be so many structural walls that alloted space for--
I never knew there could be so many rooms in one place.
He's got bowling alleys, car show rooms, media centers, a wet bar, swimming pool and jacuzzi, weaponry, staircases that lead to nowhere just to piss you off, pool tables... The mark of being rich is having millions of items that you will never use that you bought for more than two or three galleons. Of course, another mark of being rich would be buying a ten galleon soap and using it instead of putting it on display.

"Would you like to see the guest villa or the bedrooms?"
"Er..." I don't really know which one to choose. I saw the guest villa when we were looking at the swimming pool. It looked like a little dot. It's probably streets away from here.
"I think I'll take the bedrooms."
Ted gave me this big smile.
Maybe he's not smiling just because he can...maybe he's just smiling because he's bisexual.
I mean, he's had his wife but maybe he wants me, too!
And I just chose to visit bedrooms.
Oh damn!
...Suddenly I don't feel very good.

First, he showed me his bedroom. It looked more like the size of my father's flat. I haven't visited him since I was six or seven but I can clearly remember him having a decently sized place.
The first question that came to mind was, "What do you do in here?" I, not realizing that what he was doing in here most likely caused the delay of him answering the door for me, accidentally blurted out the seemingly harmless question.
Ted gave me this huge perverted grin that I have no doubt that I will soon have nightmares about but his answer was cut off by a naked woman appearing from the large room (my guess is a bathroom) attached to the bedroom.
Well, there's my answer.

When Andromeda caught sight of me, she screamed and threw her make up case straight at me.
It knocked me back a few paces and I fell over onto the ground. What kind of make up is she using?

"Ted, how dare you!" Andromeda screamed.
She's still naked and I'm still here but I guess that she thinks that the make up case has managed to blind me. But I'm going to pretend it has for right now and try to close my eyes.
It's very hard to tear your eyes away from someone that attractive. Andromeda is nothing different from the rest of Sirius' (female) cousins. I am very glad I didn't spend any of my pubescent summers at his family's house—not that I could, I am a half breed werewolf—but it would be impossible to get a good (and dry) night's sleep. Evil as two of them may be, they most definitely make for their sinister qualities with their good looks. (2)

"I hate you," she said, turning and folding her hands over her nude chest.
Forget Ted's stupid grin, I'm dreaming about this tonight.
I believe I have just had a Sirius moment.

"Oh come on, Babe. You know you can't resist me for long. I'm your Teddy bear you know...you just love to snuggle with me don't you."
And it's back to nightmares again. The now happy couple have begun shoving their tongues down each others throats. I believe it is time for me to take my leave. I should've done that when I say the naked woman come to think of it. But I'm a teenage boy, cut me some slack!

After I tore my eyes away from them, opened the door (believe me, from the noises I hear in their room, I got out just in time!), and stepped in the hallway I had run into something.
It's probably just a million galleon vase. No big deal for the rich people.
And when I looked down I realized that it wasn't a something...it was a someone!

A pair of bright brown eyes stared at me. Which, if you hadn't know before, is very frightening when you expect to be looking at some dull vase.
I jumped back immediately.
This caused the eyes to grow larger. Which is also creepy. The girl with the big eyes had hair to match it. Dark brown hair that cascaded half way down her back. ...She's still staring at me.

Sirius never mentioned anything about little kids. But coming from the man that thinks it's funny to wake you up four hours ahead of time, what can I expect.

"Uh...," I said.
She is still staring at me.
"I'm Remus Lupin," I extended my hand toward her.
She stared at me and my hand. Her left eye is looking at me but her right is looking in my eyes.
I hope she isn't that little girl from The Exorcist...
"What's your na-" but my question got cut off by her eyes and hair turning this dark red. (3)
Oh shit she is.
"Uh...Linda-er...little girl...are you...okay?"
The little girl's hair is still red. She is still staring at me.
Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit--
I'd be running right now, but I'm afraid that if I move I will wet my pants. And I'm wearing khakis.

I suppose I must've looked pretty freaked out with Regan MacNeil standing in front of me and all.
I suppose you can also say that when Padfoot tapped on my shoulder that I was scared as hell.
I suppose that it wouldn't take that much to infer how pissed off he was when I slammed the vase that should've been in my way instead of the little girl on to his head.
I suppose you could say that Padfoot has one hell of a thick skull for that vase not to break. (4)

"Aren't you going to apologize?" Padfoot asked. We were sitting at the table. Me, him, Andromeda, Ted, and the little girl who I still don't know what to call.
I don't want to seem rude and not apologize. But I don't want to apologize to Padfoot of all people. The two adults at the table and the little kid (not the girl, Padfoot) both looked at me expectantly.

Before I apologize to Padfoot I deserve apologies from everyone around the table.
Ted for being bisexual...er...I mean...grinning stangely.
Andromeda for...hell I don't care, she's too attractive to have to apologize.
Padfoot for scaring me.
And the evil little nameless girl for being evil, little...and nameless.
But, being the pushover I am, I quickly apologized to them all.
I hate myself.

The worst part of this entire morning...and afternoon (it's around one now) has got to be that the evil, little, nameless girl (ELNG) is still giving me that same look...stare.

Everyone else besides ELNG left the table. I begged them repeatedly to stay.
OK, so I didn't big.
...I didn't even ask.
I told them that I'd be sitting here when they came back.
The only question is...alive or dead.

"So you're Remus," ELNG said.
"Yes, evi-. Yes, I'm Remus."
"Cousin Sirius' friend?"
Oh no wonder she's so weird. She's related to Sirius. I could've sworn that she was some apparition that only I could see. Then again, she could just be some crazy invisible preschooler. You never know.
"Are you staying for a long while?"
"Yes," I replied (she's still staring at me), "for a week or so."
"Oh."
I nodded, unsure what to say. I looked awkwardly around the kitchen. I stared in one direction, she'd stare in the same...at me... Then I'd shift gears and she'd do the same. This is getting very tiring.
"So...uh...little girl," I said, figuring that leaving out evil and nameless would probably be for the best, "What's your name?"
She didn't respond. She just got this dead look in her eyes. I gulped.
"Nymphadora," she responded softly, "But I hate it..." and then her voice got stronger, full of life that suddenly didn't make me fear her anymore; it was that little adorable something that all children should have in their voices, "Call me...Call me Tonks!"
I looked at her for a long moment and then I got this big grin that was near the same league of Ted's, "Of course I'll call you Tonks...,Nymphadora."
Her face looked at me in surprise for a moment and then a darker emotion took place. Her hair turned red again and it began to float around her. Before I could begin my chorus of "shit", she attacked. (5)

Thank you for taking the time to read chapter one, this story is to be continued.

Footnotes:
1 – Yes, Remus' parents are divorced. It doesn't play a major part in this story but there will be occasional references. I was planning another story about Remus and his childhood to be published later and I'm experimenting with situations between his parents.
2 – Here I go, ruining your perfect view of Remus. Well, the Blacks are supposed to be an attractive family (apart from Sirius' mother, but there was some inbreeding involved with her) and Remus is a teenage boy. 'Tis time to welcome the wet dream!
3 – I doubt she could control her transformations at an early age, unfortunately for Remus, he doesn't know that!
4 – Did you know The Exorcist was released in 1973. Was this perfect timing for this story or what?!
5 – I hope I don't over emphasize how much Tonks hates being called Nyphadora.