i was wondering where "COURAGE" came from, and this just kind of wrote itself out of that thought.
this one is for lindsey, for reminding me how to love.
Glee and The Wizard of Oz don't belong to me.
"So, Pretty in Pink or Wizard of Oz?"
This is the third movie night in a row Blaine has suggested they watch Dorothy's journey down the yellow brick road. The first time it was up against Funny Girl (which Blaine really should've known would win out), and the second time the other choice had been Ocean's Eleven (which Finn had forced them to watch but they had both enjoyed for Clooney, Pitt, and Damon), but now that it's been suggested again Kurt really can't deny his boyfriend again (even though he'd much prefer Pretty in Pink, no matter how much he likes Judy Garland).
"Bring on the Munchkins."
Blaine smiles softly as he pushes the DVD into the player and then settles back onto the couch.
By the time Dorothy's house gets swept up by the tornado, Kurt can't hold himself back any longer. "Why did you want to watch this movie so badly?"
"What?" Blaine looks jarred, like he'd been so engrossed in the movie that he'd forgotten he wasn't in Kansas.
"Well, I mean, this is the third time you've suggested it and if you really wanted to watch it you could've just asked." Kurt's babbling just a little bit, trying to backpedal because Blaine's expression is so complicated and unreadable right now that he can't tell if he's said something wrong. "Is this your favorite movie?"
"It… Well, I wasn't sure if you'd want to watch it, and I didn't want to force you to watch it if you didn't want to, and I just-"
Blaine's babbling now too, and Kurt's expression softens as he places a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "You know I'm always up for Judy."
Blaine looks almost like he wants to say more but he simply nods and turns back to the screen, so Kurt does too. They watch in a silence that begins almost tense, but softens as they both relax.
"I always liked the Lion the best," Kurt admits as the big cat stutters along.
"Yeah?" Blaine asks, eyebrows raised just a bit. "Me too." Kurt snuggles closer as Blaine wraps an arm around Kurt's shoulders. His head is resting halfway between Blaine's shoulder and chest, nestled just above his heartbeat.
"This movie… Kurt, he…" The air feels electric, static, and monumental, like there is something important that is about to be said. Kurt reaches up to grab Blaine's hand, knowing that this is something easier said without eye contact. He rubs his thumb along the back of Blaine's hand.
"This movie saved my life." The words come out as nothing more than a whisper. Kurt's breath catches in his throat but he never stops rubbing his thumb across Blaine's hand, pressing soothing circles. There is more to be said, more to be heard and understood. He feels Blaine take a shuddering breath and nuzzles closer into that space between Blaine's shoulder and racing heart.
"It was a long time ago, when I was still at Marion Harding. I had just come out over the summer before freshman year, and the first few weeks of school were kind of like coming out all over again. The soccer team was all right with me, though one or two of the guys were a little uncomfortable in the locker rooms. The guys from the baseball team, though, they hated me. At first it was just a whispered name behind my back, and then there were notes stuffed in my locker, and one time someone painted FAG across my locker. That was… they couldn't prove who had done it so I had to clean it off myself, since it was my locker. I spent three hours scraping it off after school."
"But no one seemed to notice it, because it never escalated into anything physical." Kurt frowns, remembering prom and the Sadie Hawkins, but remains silent. "They were… really smart. They knew where the line was and they went right up to the edge, making sure they couldn't be proven guilty. It was my word against theirs, and they were some of the most popular and well-liked guys in the school. Evan Schaffer was set to be valedictorian with a baseball scholarship, and Clark Owens was captain of the debate team; these were guys who just couldn't possibly be bullies."
"Eventually I just stopped telling people; I figured there was no point if they weren't going to believe me. I kept every note just in case, but I stopped taking them to the principal or mentioning them to my friends. I just ignored them, trying to distract myself. I could only ignore them for so long, though, and they started to get to me. I started to think… I kept thinking…" He draws another ragged breath as his hand clamps down on Kurt's, steadying himself.
"I started believing them, Kurt." His voice cracks and breaks as he stumbles through his confession. Kurt's eyes sting and snap shut. He can't imagine how this boy, this beautiful, amazing boy could possibly believe that he was anything less than wonderful.
"It took a long time, but eventually I… well, lost myself. I quit soccer and slowly stopped hanging out with my friends. It felt like I was doing them a favor; quietly backing out of their lives so they didn't have to pretend to be friends with a 'worthless fag.'" Blaine spits the words out like poison on his tongue. "My parents noticed I was more withdrawn around Thanksgiving, but they chalked it up to teenage sullenness and attitude. And once December started things went downhill really fast. Evan and Clark had new taunts and epithets, and dealt them out far more often, with more of their friends joining in. And I just… I couldn't take it anymore."
Blaine paused, and the air went absolutely still. Dorothy pulled aside the Wizard's curtain, and Kurt stayed frozen aside from his thumb, which had never stopped working circles into Blaine's skin. Please don't be saying what I think you're saying, not that, anything but that.
"I had a plan." The words were quiet and empty, and Kurt's stomach plummets. "I wanted to do it after Christmas, for my parents. And then I figured I should wait until after my birthday too, but definitely before New Years; I wanted to give them some time before the holidays ended and they had to go back to work. The 29th, I had decided. I made it through the holidays and I was almost back to normal. I just wanted them to have nice memories of Christmas. I couldn't stand the thought of ruining their Christmas."
"I had a bottle full of aspirin in my room and I was going to swallow 30 of them once both of my parents had gone to bed. I wanted to write a note but I kept crying, so I just wrote 'I'm sorry, I love you' on a scrap of paper. I was retreating to my room after dinner when my dad asked if I wanted to watch Wizard of Oz with him. I couldn't refuse, not him, not when I knew what I was going to do."
"I kept running over my plan in my head instead of concentrating on the movie. I had seen it before when I was young and liked it well enough so I didn't see much point in paying attention. The Cowardly Lion was introduced, and I remember thinking bitterly that if only I'd had more courage, I never would've had to make the plan."
"But then the Wizard handed over the Badge of Courage, and it was like everything just popped into place. This… It sounds crazy, and almost cheesy, but it's totally true. Suddenly I realized that I didn't need my plan; I had the courage somewhere inside me. I just had to find it for myself. I was completely stunned. I don't think I heard a single thing my dad said to me when the movie was over or when my parents said good night. Finally, after they'd been asleep for hours, I just started crying. I couldn't stop; I was just so relieved. I didn't need to break my parents' hearts."
Kurt was clutching at Blaine's sweater and squeezing his hand. He had been crying for quite a while now, but the thought that Blaine had so nearly not been here made the tears fall faster.
"I flushed the bottle of aspirin down the toilet that morning, at 4 am before my parents woke up. And after that, well, I went searching for my courage. It took me a long time, but I knew that it was somewhere and that gave me hope. I started talking to my friends slowly, and made a few new friends. I met Tyler, and he helped me a lot. Then Sadie Hawkins came around, and… well, you know about that. It was the first time that anyone had actually physically touched me; I guess they didn't like that Tyler and I were acting on our sexuality. My parents were shocked. I had never let on that any of this was going on. The guys who did it were suspended- though not Evan and Clark, they were too smart to actually do anything themselves- and Mom insisted that I go to Dalton."
"I wanted to go somewhere safe, but I couldn't stand the thought of running away, not when I'd finally found my courage. I tried to convince them that I didn't need to go, but I didn't try as hard as I could have. The idea of being safe somewhere had too much pull… so I ran."
There was silence as Kurt finally lifted his head from where it had been resting on Blaine's chest. Their eyes met, and Kurt could see thousands of emotions in Blaine's ever-expressive hazel eyes.
"I've never told anyone about it before." Blaine whispers into the now silent atmosphere; the movie had ended long ago.
"Blaine," Kurt manages to get out before he kisses the boy fiercely. He cups Blaine's face with his hands, cradling this precious boy, letting him know just how much he deserves every bit of love Kurt can give him and more. He drags his lips away and rests his forehead against Blaine's. "I love you," Kurt states with more feeling than anything he's ever said in his life. "Don't you ever, ever," he practically growls, "forget that."
Blaine simply nods before their lips meet again, softer this time. There is so much care and tenderness and pure, absolute love in this kiss that Kurt thinks he might explode. They stay wrapped around each other, lips molding gently, until finally Blaine glances at the clock and sighs. "I need to get going, love, I'm already late." They share one last kiss before climbing the steps from the basement up to the front door.
From the second Kurt opens the door from the basement, Burt can see that he's been crying. He makes to rise from his place on the couch, ESPN forgotten, when Carole places a hand on his shoulder. She gestures toward Blaine, and Burt can see that the other boy's been crying too. They're still holding hands, and Burt never heard any arguing (and he would know if they had been; Kurt's got quite the voice on him when he's angry), but he still doesn't like the look of this. Carole doesn't move her hand from his shoulder, so he settles back. His eyes never leave the two boys as Kurt takes Blaine's jacket out of the hall closet, Blaine slips on his shoes, and the pair walk out to Blaine's car.
Burt waits for Kurt to return, but it takes far longer than usual. Finally, as Burt's standing to flicker the porch lights, Kurt pushes open the front door. His eyes meet Burt's, and in seconds Kurt is across the living room and pressing himself into Burt's arms.
"I love you, Dad. You know that, right?"
Burt is a little bewildered, but Kurt offers up no explanation. Burt holds his son tighter.
"I know, son. I love you, too."