A/N: A plot bunny that jumped around in my mind for months. Well, plotless bunny really, just talk about love and suchs.
Warnings: Swearing.
Words never said
1977
James knew something was wrong when he opened the door to Sirius' flat and found his friend on the sofa, puffy-eyed and drunk, six o'clock on a Saturday evening. James flopped down onto an armchair and surveyed his friend silently. Sirius sighed and sat up slowly, lit up a slim cigarette with shaking hands and took a long drag.
'What is it?' James asked quietly. Sirius shrugged and took another drag. He blew the smoke out slowly, filling the air around him with swirling, gray spirals.
'I'm in love with Moony,' Sirius said calmly, the alcohol coursing through his veins making his words slightly slurred, yet so serious. His face was severe and unmoving.
James had not expected that. He hadn't expected anything serious. 'I've got craps', perhaps, or 'I drove over a squirrel', anything really. Anything but this.
'Oh,' James managed. Sirius nodded once, sharply.
'H-how long?' James asked. Sirius shrugged again.
'Dunno, really. Since I first spoke to him, I suppose. Or maybe since I first wanted to kiss him, the day we found out he's a werewolf. Or maybe ever since I first wanted to fuck him, that morning after the first full moon we were there. I dunno', Sirius answered, his voice still calm and steady.
'Oh,' James said again, feeling completely out of his depth. He wished Lily was there. She always knew what to do with this kind of touchy-feely stuff.
'Well, have you told him?' James finally asked after thinking what Lily would have done. For a few horrid seconds he thought that Sirius had actually told Remus and things had gone wrong and that was why Sirius was so miserable, but then Sirius shook his head.
'Of course not. Never will,' Sirius snorted and then he turned his stormy eyes on James and gave him a piercing look.
'And neither will you. If you ever, ever mention this to him, if you make him suffer because of this, if you make him avoid me, if you add this to his troubles, I will fucking destroy you,' Sirius stated calmly.
James swallowed. He didn't doubt Sirius' words. The boy had always been full of passion, both in good and bad, and had always been harsh in his actions and words when it came to those he loved the most.
'I won't tell,' James whispered. Sirius nodded sharply, acknowledging the promise. He finally seemed to relax and dropped the stub of his cigarette in to the ashtray. For a while, he and James just stared at each other.
James didn't know what to do or say. It had been a shock, really, but now… well, he should have seen it ages ago. All the glances, unnecessary touches, all the banter and the protectiveness. He looked at Sirius, his eyes full of sympathy.
Sirius' lower lip started to tremble slightly and the boy turned his face away.
'You know, it's just… it's just… when I'm with him everything else kind of fades away. He is the only thing that matters. My family, the war, every stupid and evil thing in this world goes away and there's nothing
else left, just him and me. Even beautiful, nice things fade, because they are nothing compared to him,' Sirius whispered and shrugged awkwardly. He did not look at James, so he could not see his nod, but Sirius still continued.
'And when he's gone… Fuck, sometimes I miss him so much it hurts, actually hurts. I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't think about anything else than the fact that he's gone, he's not there with me. It feels like… like a part of me is missing, from the inside. I'm all hollow and the emptiness fucking aches,' Sirius said and quieted down. He glanced at James, who could do nothing more than nod again.
'Sometimes I wish I could lock him in to a cage,' Sirius whispered. James looked up in surprise, question in his eyes.
'To keep him away from everybody else. To keep everyone away from him. So that they couldn't harm him. So that he couldn't love them. I want his love, all of it, all for myself,' Sirius explained quickly, twisting his hands. 'I sometimes scare myself,' he finished and shuddered. James nodded, again, and thought back to those days when Lily was seeing other boys. It had hurt, hurt so much James wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened to him.
'I understand,' he managed to say. Sirius turned to look at him with cool, emotionless eyes.
'Do you, do you really? Do you understand that sometimes I hate him?' Sirius spat out. 'I hate him because he doesn't see what he is doing to me. I hate his ignorance. I hate him because he brings me so much pain. I hate him because he will never love me. I hate him because he will never even know.'
Sirius took a long breath and lit another cigarette. James kept quiet.
'But still, I will always love him more. Because the way he makes me feel… no, because he makes me feel.'
Sirius poured himself a whisky, and after a glance at the white-faced James, poured another one. He handed the glass at James. They did not speak any more that night. James returned home two hours later, and when Lily asked what was troubling him, he could not give an answer.
1981
The pub was dingy, old and very much muggle. That made James slightly more relaxed, although he still kept his hand near his wand and his body ready for a fight.
'Sirius couldn't make it tonight,' James said to his friend. Remus nodded.
'Haven't seen him in a month,' Remus said tersely. James cleared his throat nervously.
'Yeah, well, he has a lot on his plate right now.' James said. 'Has had for years now,' he added in his mind. He looked at Remus more closely. The man looked tired and too old.
'Are you all right?' James asked. Remus gave him a tired smile.
'Yes. Well, as all right as anyone can be.'
James looked at him for a long time, but decided not to push the matter.
'I'll go and get us a drink. What would you like?'
'Just a tea, please,' Remus said. James lifted an eyebrow at that, but came back soon with a beer and a tea.
'How are Lily and Harry?' Remus asked when James sat down again.
'They are both well. Lily is decorating the house like mad and Harry is staring at everything, eyes wide as saucers, giggling all the time,' James said and smiled fondly. Remus returned the smile.
'That's good to hear,' Remus said.
They sat quietly for a while. Remus was stirring his tea slowly, seemingly lost in the swirling depths of the golden liquid. James surveyed him quietly. Remus had never been quite so close to him as Sirius, but then again, Remus didn't seem to be close to anyone. Still, James knew something was wrong, had been for a while now.
'What is Sirius… doing these days, exactly?' Remus suddenly asked. He sounded hesitant and nervous.
'Uh… well, you know. Just… things. For the Order. Just like you,' James said vaguely.
'I still have time for my friends, though,' Remus said. James looked at him in surprise. Remus usually kept that kind of remarks to himself. Peter hadn't been to their little get-togethers for weeks now, but that didn't seem to bother Remus at all.
'He has some… personal problems,' James said.
'He's seeing someone, isn't he?' Remus asked, still staring his steaming mug.
'No, no he's not,' James said, after a surprised pause. Remus' shoulders slumped slightly, as if he had been holding his breath.
'Why do you want to know, anyway?' James asked and took a swig of his beer. Maybe it was just the hot steam rising from the tea mug, but it seemed that a slight blush rose on Remus' cheeks.
'No reason,' Remus said quickly and another pregnant pause followed.
Remus hadn't even tasted his tea. He was still stirring it, mechanically, lost in his thoughts. James surveyed him quietly.
'Look, what is this all about? Something's off and don't even try to deny it,' James finally huffed. Remus glanced at him quickly and then resumed his tea-staring. It was a long time before he spoke.
'When Sirius is with me, everything around me becomes more real, more… everything. I know it's stupid and pathetic, but he makes the sun shine brighter, the rain fall harder. He fills my senses; he makes every feeling ten times stronger. He makes music more beautiful, the whole world more beautiful, he even makes me beautiful,' Remus said quietly, never taking his eyes away from the mug. James sat shell-shocked for a few moments.
'You love him,' he finally breathed out. Remus slowly took the spoon from his mug, placed it on his napkin and then raised his mug with both hands, wrapping his long fingers around its warmth.
'Yes, I do,' he said calmly.
'But… how? What? How long?' James asked.
'Since forever,' Remus said and let out a bitter little laugh. James opened and closed his mouth for what seemed like hours. He was desperate to just tell Remus, but he couldn't, not when he had promised Sirius. James wanted to get up, find the nearest fireplace connected to Floo-network and beg Sirius to come over. But he couldn't move, and then Remus continued:
'Actually, I'm almost happy I haven't seen him in a long time. See, when he's gone, I live in a constant state of dreams. Sometimes, I love it when he's away, because then I can keep dreaming, non-stop, dreaming that he actually cares, dreaming that he loves me and wants me. And the longer he's gone the more real my dreams become until I'm hardly living in this world at all,' Remus said dreamily. Once again, James was speechless. Like the seventeen-year-old boy years ago, he could only nod.
'Sometimes, I hate myself because of this. How could I have been so utterly stupid, so blind, so ridiculous? Why do I do this to myself, why do I keep putting myself through so much pain?' Remus continued. Even his voice sounded pained.
'Moony…' James said soothingly, but Remus hadn't finished yet.
'The worst thing is that one of these days, really soon now, some pretty girl will come along and take away everything, even the last pieces of my dreams. And I don't know if I can take it, James. I don't know if I can live or if I even want to live without a shred of hope,' Remus said. James opened his mouth, ready to tell him that he shouldn't worry, that Sirius did love him and would never run away with a "pretty girl". But he couldn't. He had promised Sirius, and if there was anything the Marauders valued, it was trust. He just couldn't. This was something Sirius and Remus needed to sort out themselves, even if it took years. Although maybe he could give Sirius a hint, if Remus didn't…
'And if he ever found out about this and started to avoid me, I could not take it, James. You do realise this, don't you?' Remus said and James lost his last hope.
'Yes,' he sighed.
'If you tell him, it will kill me,' Remus said calmly. James nodded again.
'I think you should tell him,' James tried after a few minutes of silence. Remus only laughed again, a horribly bitter chuckle.
'I can't see that happening,' he said and finally put down his untouched tea, now too cold. He got up and put on his faded coat.
'Thank you for listening, James. We'll be in touch. Take care and send my love to Lily and Harry,' Remus said smoothly, once again calm and guarded. Before James had time to say anything, Remus had already stepped out into the rainy darkness.
James sighed and slowly finished his beer. He felt like he had aged decades in a few short minutes. Slowly he made his way outside the pub and into the shady side street. A few seconds later he disappeared with a little 'pop' and two seconds later he stood in front of Codric's Hollow. Light shone invitingly through the large windows, though only for him and a few carefully selected others.
Lily was waiting in the kitchen. She gave him a disapproving glance.
'You go out too often, James,' Lily said but she didn't sound too upset. She knew very well how important James' friends were to him.
'Sorry, dear,' James said meekly. Lily rolled her eyes.
'Well, how was Remus, then?' Lily asked.
'He sends his love,' James said. Lily looked up sharply.
'You didn't answer my question.'
James writhed under the suspicious gaze of his wife. He shouldn't, he really shouldn't, but then again… Lily would know what to do, or at least she would make James feel better. And anyway, his friends knew very well that he shared everything with Lily. They wouldn't tell him anything he couldn't pass on… or so James hoped. He couldn't keep this to himself, it was too much.
'He's not too well, actually,' James said after taking a deep breath. Lily looked at him worriedly.
'He is in love,' James admitted. Lily cocked her head curiously.
'With Sirius, actually,' James finished. Lily paled and sat down slowly. James sat down across the table.
'With Sirius? But…' Lily started, but James waved her to silence.
'The thing is, Sirius told me years ago that he was in love with Remus,' James said. Lily looked even more shocked and a small part of James was surprised that she hadn't known this before. She always seemed to know everything about everyone.
'I shouldn't even tell you this. They told me very clearly that I should keep my mouth shut. But now things are very different, aren't they? I'm sure Sirius still loves Remus, so…'
'So we need to get them together,' Lily finished for him and made James smile.
'You think I could, just this once, break my promise, and just tell them?' he asked. Lily shook her head.
'No, I think you three should get together and then you should beg, threaten or order them to tell each other,' Lily said firmly. James grinned widely.
'You're a jewel, Lily!' he said, gave her a kiss on the cheek and hurried to the fire-place. Lily followed him and took the Floo powder pot from his hands.
'James, it's midnight. They are either out or asleep. They can wait a while longer. Anyway, you won't be able to see them tomorrow,' Lily said gently. James sighed, but gave up quite quickly when he saw the look in Lily's eyes.
'Fine, I'll call them first thing tomorrow,' he said. Lily shook her head.
'Tomorrow is family time, James, you know that!'
James sighed impatiently, but he knew Lily was right. It wasn't wise to go and visit his friends so often, not now when they were in hiding.
'They have waited for years now, I'm sure they can wait a few days longer,' Lily said and took James' hand into her own.
'You're right. I'll go and visit them after Halloween,' James decided and pulled Lily closer.
'After Halloween,' Lily echoed and smiled warmly.