Goodbye
As I fell, my thoughts returned inevitably to him.
He was gone, he had been killed and I had never told him that I- that I… I loved him.
He was the most beautiful thing ever to happen to me, but he never really did happen to me, I was his shoulder to cry on and he was mine, but he never truly noticed me, not even as a friend.
Why could he not look at me and see? Why did he not realize how I felt?
He was so insightful, yet he couldn't see what was right in front of him.
He said I made him happy when everyone else made him sad and doubtful, but he still wouldn't realize how unhappy that made me.
He understood everyone else but not me, or did he understand me, and he just didn't want to hurt me, if so, it hadn't worked: I was always hopeful, but in the end, I was always crushed.
He would take me to the astronomy tower whenever this happened, but I wouldn't tell him why I hurt so badly, I didn't want to.
He led me to the tower again tonight, only this time he wasn't there, this time I would have told him and this time he led me off the tower to the grounds below, covered in snow and ice and the teardrops that fell before me.
Would I see him when I hit?
Will I tell him?
What would happen after I fell as he fell?
We never even said goodbye.
It was hopeless, it had always been hopeless, and from the day we were sorted to the day he died his love was nothing but my own feeble imagination, a joke, a sad joke funny for those close to me, but worse than death for me.
As the ground inched slowly closer, I thought of mum, dad and Mickey: what would they think, Mickey knew about my feelings, he wouldn't- he couldn't blame him.
He could only blame me.
Blame me for always refusing comfort, blame me for pretending I was fine, and blame me for never saying what I truly felt.
My life was a lie, one big pathetic lie, I could never admit to my feelings, nor could I ever take being the one who everyone pitied.
I despised pity, pity makes everything worse, it proves you're not overreacting and so it proves you're right to be unhappy, and that you should stay that way.
But I pitied him, didn't I?
I felt sorry for him, and his parents, that he was dead, that he was dead and that I wasn't able to do anything to stop it, and I was sorry that I had been sitting at home hiding from the death eaters in the safety of my bed, while he- he was out here fighting for the freedom of people like me.
I was always told that when you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes.
That's wrong.
It wasn't my life I could see, it wasn't mine, it was his, it was always his, my life is his, and so are my heart, my body and my blood.
Blood… his blood had stained the grounds for weeks, in my mind is still did.
The ground, to which I was so close now, was tainted with his sacrifice.
He sacrificed himself to save Harry Potter; the hero of the world was to me not a hero or a saviour, but a man like any other who has caused bad things as well as good.
"Goodbye," I whispered as I got closer to the snowy ground.
Now we would be together, wouldn't we? Was there life beyond death?
There had to be, if there wasn't I would die again, knowing that I would never in the end be with him in body or in spirit.
"I'm in a cage, trapped forever,
And these barred walls move together,
I look for you, in the starry sky,
I think to myself, it's now time to say goodbye."
"Goodbye," I whisper again, except I don't whisper, I scream, "goodbye!" I scream over and over again.
And at last, I touch the ground, and as my life slowly seeps into the ground, a small smile creeps to my lips, he did love me, he looked at me the same way I looked at him.
I laughed a wheezy laugh; he was just as scared as I am, the only difference was, he never realized that.
I didn't realize either, until it was too late, until the ship had sailed.
Happy for the first time in years, darkness engulfed me.
The warm air felt strangely cool as I fell.
I shouted to the world as I fell, but no one heard me, not even her.
She above all people was the one I wanted to hear me, the one I wanted to see one last time, the one who never let me down.
She was always there for me and I loved her for it, but I could never tell her, I didn't deserve to be a Gryffindor.
I would take her up to the astronomy tower convinced that that was the night, that I was going to tell her, but I never could.
She understood me like no else ever could, she knew when there was something wrong and she knew when to hold back where others didn't.
Why hadn't I told her? Why hadn't I written her a song?
But it was too late now, I was falling, and the chaos around paled me to insignificance.
I was insignificant, of course she never could have loved me, but its too late now, now there's no one to ask, I will never see her again.
A single tear drop fell from my eye and seemed to hover in the air next to me for a while before disappearing above me.
"Help," I cried faintly, hopelessly.
We never even said goodbye.