----I was wrong----
Author: NekoRyuko :3
Fanfic Title: I was wrong
Pairing: KiruGon :D My OTP
Genre: Angst/Romance. In this fic, angst means a lot of dark brooding and drama. Romance means slash and fluff. Thus don't expect to see a lot of humour or action. If you want that, go read 'Valentines Day' :D
Summary of fanfic: Admitting love is hard, loss of love is even harder, but forgetting love is the hardest thing of all. This isn't your ordinary KiruGon! Can mistakes be amended? Will there be a happy ending? (Revived!)
Chapter Title: Decision
Chapter Summary: It is Gon's birthday and everyone is celebrating. Why, though, is Killua being so absentminded? What is troubling him on such a momentous occasion? And what is this all-important decision he is being forced to make? –Killua narrative--
Rating: For this chapter, probably PG. There shouldn't be anything young teens are not familiar with, anyway. :)
Warning: Sentimental Killua! O.o… Oh yes, this fic DOES contain references to slash (i.e. male/male romantic relationship). It's not overt so a person who hates slash may still really enjoy this. ) Some minor language, too. Knowledge of HxH themes will aid your enjoyment of this ficlet.
Disclaimer: In case you were wondering, no I DO NOT own Hunter x Hunter, or its' characters. All credit for the former goes to Togashi Yoshihiro-sama. Fantastic mangaka. Created such a deep and meaningful story :) I do, however, own this idea. The inspirations came from personal life experiences, like for most writers, but these were backed up by the characters' own histories.
A/N: This fic was originally posted under my old account, to which I lost my login details, and thus had to create this new one. I really hope they won't block my account for 'plagiarism'. -.- I re-read this fic and thought it was deemed worthy my time and effort to fix it up and re-upload. The fic was written almost 3 years ago, when I first became a fan of Hunter x Hunter. It was so long ago, that I don't really know what I wanted to do with chapter 3… I must make sure it differs from CornflowerBlue's fiction, though :3;;; since our plots are quite similar here. Her work actually inspired me to revive this! Thank you :)
To those who reviewed this fic all those years ago, thank you so much! I still remember and treasure your comments. I will make sure this doesn't go suspended without update for three years, ever again! -nervous smile-
Thank you to my beta-reader, SpiritsMelding, for pointing out my ridiculous mistakes. XD I've had a good laugh at myself. Learnt a great deal. Thank you!!
Italics- represent Killua talking in his mind, either to himself or addressing Gon. They are also used for words that are emphasised.
Happy Reading!!
Chapter 1: Decision
Today is your thirteenth birthday, the day you leave the tender childhood to enter a new epoch of your life. Yes, you are now officially a teenager. This being the first birthday I've ever celebrated for anyone, I wanted to make sure I got it right. Gifts. I had to get you something special, something I knew you'd like, something from my heart. That included making that chocolate cake, dressed in white crumbs of coconut that coated its' surface like pure white snow. On top of the 'snow' I wrote with whipped chocolate cream, a message that read "To my best friend Gon". I made a card too. It had our photograph on its' cover. The one where I had my arm wrapped around your shoulder and you had yours around mine. Inside the card, in a golden pen, I've congratulated you on your thirteenth birthday. And naturally, I mentioned how thankful I am to have met you and be your friend (although it had little relevance to your birthday, I wrote it down anyway.) Now that I think of it, there were other things I wanted to say but was afraid of disclosing too much. Even though you are totally clueless I know you aren't stupid. That's why I stopped there...
"You'll always be my most precious friend and I hope we can stay together forever, no matter what right? Well, I'll be your friend no matter what so yeah... With love, Killua." Gon read in a casual tone as if it was the most normal thing in the world. To me, it was hard to believe that -I- wrote that!
He thanked me, of course and even gave me a hug, which I didn't have the will to refuse, even with Kurapika and Leorio giggling. Oh how I would have liked to strike them on the head but my anger vanished completely with Gon's warm, peaceful smile.
"Oh there's more..." the birthday boy said as he looked near the bottom of the card "PS: This card is for your eyes only, don't let anyone else read it."
"Oh!" he stuttered, grinning nervously. "Oops. I'm sorry Killua. Did you not want me to read this out loud?" he questioned me innocently. I had the urge to hit myself with one of those wooden hammers they used in animes Gon and I liked to watch. I slapped my hand on my face instead. I could feel the warmth of my cheeks beneath the palm of my hand and I covered it up, because I must have been blushing.
In between my fingers I could see Leorio and Kurapika exchange glances, a smirk appearing on their faces simultaneously. It didn't take much for them to pick up on the meaning of anything I said or done. Sometimes they could even read my intentions before I became aware of them for myself. That's why the card was meant for Gon's eyes only. Because, unlike the rest of my friends, no matter how many clues or hints I gave him, vague or straightforward, once or many times, he'd never see the unspoken meanings behind them. It's true that Gon had great intuition when it came to understanding people's inner natures, so why did he always take words at face value? Why didn't he attempt to think deeper? Sometimes I wonder instead of giving him all these presents, I could have just bought him a clue!
"My precious friend." "Forever". One day. I told myself. One day soon, I'll work up the courage to tell him exactly what I meant. I will tell him three words. And if he still doesn't get it, I'll tell him in another way. Five words. Maybe he really doesn't know what I'm talking about. Then I'll have to show him what I meant. If I have to go that far, I'm afraid being realistic, it will still be long, very long. A very, very long time 'til I work up the courage...
They're all eating the cake. This gives me time to contemplate things. It might be hard finding the right words to explain what I'm feeling as having 'feelings' is still quite a new concept for me. I had no feelings for anybody before I left my family residence. The only outside contacts I had were associated with my assignments. Mostly the people I murdered. They screamed when I stabbed them. In their eyes I saw fear, sadness, panic, plead. But for them I never felt pity, nor did I care what they felt. I never needed to wonder what went through their minds when I tortured them to their last breath. I only remember being haunted. Haunted by women screaming, children crying, men shouting, all of them bleeding. The time I wasn't killing the only so called 'feelings' I experienced were pain, from various forms of torture such as poison and electricity, and boredom, as I often wondered what it would be like to try something other than assassination. Which is the reason why I joined the Hunter exam last year. I never expected to be where I am now! Was it destiny or a chance encounter? I don't know, but…
What I know is, since I met my best friend Gon at the exam I've changed so much. From the beginning without me asking for it, he told me words I never heard in my entire life. "You are a nice person, Killua. I can tell. You don't have to murder people." I couldn't think of any other person that could ever tell that to a serial killer's face. "...you have a kind heart."
How could you say that to a guy who's just took the heart of a fearsome murder with the sharp of a hand? When people see me like that they run for their lives, yet you wanted to become my friend? In fact, you went to the fearsome death zone otherwise known as the Zoldyck mansion just to find me? Risking your life so that I don't stay in my bitter past. Thinking of death, of blood, of hate.
You brought me out into the light and stayed there with me. You saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. I had been so cynical but you would just laugh at my negativity, telling me I was saying nonsense or sometimes pout. Then I'd laugh anyway. I never laughed before (not from happiness). Heck, I never knew the meaning of the word. Or at the very least, hadn't given that word much meaning. You've really changed me. You changed me a lot.
Now at his side I feel almost like a normal kid. Or at least one that fits into the jigsaw puzzle of the world. What's more, I found the place where this piece belongs. Out of billion of pieces, this one would fit next to Gon. I hoped. Now here comes the doubtful part of me again. What if the Gon piece doesn't fit together with the Killua piece?
"What's wrong Killua?" a distant voice reached me, jerking me out of my thoughts.
"Aaa... gomen ne " I replied absent-mindedly.
"Are you going to eat your cake, or just play with it?" the blonde chain-user teased me. I looked at my plate. I hadn't even realised I have been trying to join up two cake pieces. Now that must have looked odd. But back to Kurapika's question.
"Yeah. I'll eat the cake." was my nonchalant response as I fell back into contemplation.
"Maybe he's not hungry..."
"For desert? Well that's new..."
Their voices were like background music as I tried to remember... Where were we? Oh yes. I want to stay with Gon forever.
At first I was embarrassed when Gon showed me affection. I didn't expect it nor did I need it. I'd preferred to be untouched and I was just happy when Gon didn't try to be 'too friendly'. Maybe it's because I told him so many times "Stop it. It's embarrassing." Could he have taken it seriously? How could I have been so careless, so unappreciative? I wondered. I think after a while I got over the embarrassment and I was in a state of 'no response.' Like 'Hey, ya love me and think I'm so awesome, thanks ne! That's cool! --" But that was such a long time ago; don't you know I've changed so much since then? It's been over a year since we known each other and well, I've just grown so attached to the thought that we'll always be together. We're best friends. So now that those matters have been settled I had time to discover I wanted more.
It took a lot of mental struggle within myself to admit that simple fact. Actually, I made it so complex that even I always fell into a state of confusion. Because there are so many cons with the feelings I developed, I had to come up with many counter thoughts to justify them. To be blunt, I love Gon. And that took guts to admit even to myself.
I thought falling in love would be similar to those romantic tales presented by the media. A man falls in love with a beautiful girl and she eventually falls in love with him as well after he swims the deepest sea and battles the toughest monsters to bring her something she desires, say, a magical pearl. Then they kiss and the rest goes on like the adult channel. I had thought that was 'love'. Love was lust, passion, excitement, happiness, a shared feeling, and a bond. That last word would have usually sounded somewhat erotic but for some reason it no longer did. I never thought that I would be shy of love. I'm so mature for my age, yet I couldn't admit to myself that I had a little 'crush' for the past few months. Now that was pathetic for the almighty strong Killua Zoldyck.
Maybe it isn't real love at all. What I really feel is... attachment. I cannot live a day without Gon, even if he's just there I can breathe again. For him I'd do anything as I'd proven so many times already. I would never let anything bad happen to him and I'd protect him with my life. I find everything about him charming and attractive. His hyper and cheerful personality, his kindness, silliness, his cuteness, his stubbornness, and yes even his clueless-ness (that drives me crazy but I love it, simply because it's him.) I want to be his special friend, just like he is mine. I think of the jigsaw puzzle of the world again. He is already attached from all sides. All his friends, his family, and the entire world - they all love him too. I'm still a separate piece, floating, trying to attach myself to Gon's world. That is how important he is to me. He's the only one I can hold onto on this entire planet. I remember Gon once asked me for my purpose in life. I told him I didn't know... It was then that he suggested, that until I found my purpose, I could just stay by his side. It seems to have become my purpose. He was my purpose in life. If he lets me join the jigsaw puzzle, next to him, I would achieve my purpose. It's up to him though, if he has a special place for this little jigsaw Killua. It's all in his hands. In other words, he owns me. I'm all his. And judging by how much I think about it and how seriously I'm take this, I think there's no possibility for me ever loving anyone as much as I love him. So I fear, unfortunately, that this is indeed real love.
You should really know by now, but you don't. In a way that's a good thing because I fear for our friendship. On the other hand it's a bad thing, because I fear for our friendship. You see- if I don't tell you, I act withdrawn or gloomy. I have the urge to tell you so I have to get distracted in other things. When I run out of things to do (like trying to give you hints through everything we do together -through music, poetry, photographs, stories, movies, where you skilfully manage to miss my point again and again.) I fall back into my miserable world of thoughts. I get perplexed again and you start to worry. But how can I explain this to you? I've lost track of half my thoughts by then (and that's an understatement). All I can tell you is "forget it." I could lie to you and say I was fine but you know what? You changed me so much that I don't even have the heart to lie to you anymore. Are you turning me into a reinforcement type? Because all I can think of…is this…one thing. When I tell you "it's nothing" you don't look too happy. You know there is something, but I can't let you know. I'd be signing a death wish. I feel terrible for making you worry. I don't want to see you unhappy, you know? That's why I fear for our friendship. If you get so unhappy you may wish to leave. On the other hand, I may go insane first, if I don't tell you.
Would it be even worse if I did tell you? I don't think me trying to impress you had enough effect on you to love me as much as I love you. You certainly seem to be happy with all the sappy or entertaining things I say but that seems to be the only effect. It's all good, but it doesn't go deeper. Maybe if you tried thinking deeper, beneath the surface of things...but that's not like you. And to be honest thinking deeper only makes you stuck deeper. Now the problem with telling you is...do you even know what love is? If you do, you would know it's between a girl and a boy. To me, it feels like a stereotype 'cause I don't see why love has to have 'rules' of who you are and aren't allowed to love. Why does it have to be ruled by gender? Even though I feel wrong about it, being under the influence of society's majority opinion, I still think I'm right. I've not accepted the fact that I may be 'homosexual' as the thought scares me. If I were, I would have to tell myself to get over it because in the future I would have to find a girl to marry. Unfortunately, that thought makes me even more depressed. I can only imagine the coldness of it. A faked kiss, a dispassionate love. A spurious "I love you honey" and "I've missed you". Will I have to live in deception, in denial? Is the future awaiting me just a game of pretend? It's so obvious now, even if it's not right, I cannot love anyone more than Gon. And no one knows or appreciates me as much as he does. Why do I need to put all that effort, all that emotion in dedicating myself to anyone else? Would Gon be grateful? If he knew how much he was loved?
You already have more than you deserve. A best friend! Someone like you should be more grateful! How could you possibly deserve anything more? It's your karma.
You know it. He will run away, Killua. His mind continued to forecast. He'll stop being your friend. Do you want to scare him away? Confessing something like that. He will fear you. Avoid you. Are you willing to risk a friendship more valuable that everything you ever known or had, to risk a friendship so priceless? You'll be nothing if he leaves you. Don't grow so attached. Forget this feeling. Hide it, burry it. He must never know.
No… what if... one day it slips up? He's not ready. Maybe when he's older. But he's a teenager already, not a child. Should I wait another year? Can I hold out? Sooner or later, will he know? Do I wait for him to act like he loves me too? Because I'm just not feeling it. What if I'm rejected or worse, he will hate me. And no longer be my best friend.
Would I lose everything?
- - -
Find me here.
And speak to me.
I want to feel you.
I need to hear you.
You are the light.
That's leading me.
To the place.
Where I find peace.
Again.
You are the strength.
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope.
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light.
Into my soul.
You are my purpose.
You're everything.
You calm the storms.
And you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands.
You won't let me fall.
You steal my heart.
And you take my breath away.
Would you take me in.
Take me deeper now.
'Cause you're all that I want, you're all that I need. You're Everything.
Everything.
- - -
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Song credits to Lifehouse – "Everything". –Starry eyed- My recently discovered favourite! I'm quite shocked at how much it resembles this ficlet I've written three years before. It summarises Killua's feelings for Gon so brilliantly. Just. Wow.
Japanese vocabulary:
Aa - yes
Gomen ne – I'm sorry, okay?
Other notes:
Karma – the law of what goes around comes around. What you put in is what you get out. What you give is what you get returned, etcetera.
Zoldyck – I know the common spelling is 'Zaoldyeck', but I prefer the original Japanese reading.
Please review!!! XO I'm still a beginner here and need your support. Or else I'll think it ain't any good and not bother to update much.
Thank you for reading!!!!
-Bows-
Please look forward to more dialogue and action in chapter 2 :)