You enter The Dot just as the familiar tune begin. So naturally you think of him. Think of the two years it's been since you've last seen him. The look on his face as he told you what you've been telling everyone you wanted to hear- that he'll leave you alone but he'll find a way to still be a father to his children. You still remember the pang you've convinced yourself to be relief and the pressure of a smile that was surprisingly forced.
Granted not as big as a surprise as finding yourself in line behind him at this moment.
Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been together
I must admit that I go crazy for you
You both crack a smile at the lyrics and the meaning they once would have held over you. Because you're happy. And with Lucas. And the normal life that has been your dream since you were 15.
Really, you are.
And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
"Sami." You're broken out of you're thoughts by the nickname on his tongue. He rarely called you that, you remember. It was always Samantha except for those two times he called you Trouble.
"What?"
EJ smiled. "I asked how was the marriage going?"
"Great." You answer. "Lucas brought Eugene to little league practice this morning."
"Eddie mentioned that he wanted to join." EJ recalls. And of course he would know. He still sees the children almost every day, meetings now arranged by your dad who, ironically, holds an unusual amount of respect for him.
"How about you?" You find yourself asking. "Anyone new in your life?"
But instead you tell me
Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through
Her name is Andrea and he had met her in London while he was dating someone else. He didn't even know she was back in town until a meeting Mythic had with her company. They caught up almost immediately.
And you're wondering how you never heard about this from anyone.
And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all the love oh, how I'm missing you now
You want to ask more, but you can't find the justification and that hurts just a little. A few years ago you would have with no hesitation. Because he was your best friend on the way to becoming more.
But that wasn't real, you remind yourself. This separation between you two, on the other hand, is.
Before you know it he's paid for his coffee (two you can't help but notice) and he's kissing you on your cheek, being polite and saying goodbye. You watch him as he leaves and turn back to see the barista giving a wistful glance in his direction. You order you coffee and tell yourself that the snap in your voice is because the song they're playing brought down your mood.
-------------------------------------------
" I ran into EJ today" you mention over dinner.
Lucas snorts as he takes a bite of his food and almost ends up choking a little. You crack a smile but cover it quickly as he drinks his water. "Really? Where did that bastard stalk you to now?"
"We ended up on line together and I was behind him." You explained.
Lucas shrugs and asks about the encounter and you tell him even as you manage to gloss over details of his new relationship. You don't why, since it would put Lucas at ease especially. You just… don't want to talk about it.
I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And makin' love to you
The song is following you, you think as you turned on the radio to wash the dishes. But you dismiss the notion quickly because in order to for something to follow you there had to be a reason. And there's nothing you can think of.
And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
And there's no one else in this world for me but you
But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through.
"Why didn't you tell me EJ was engaged?" Lucas grins when you join him in the living room later?
"What?"
"Yeah. I just talked to Roman. EJ is getting married next month."
"I didn't know." You answer honestly as you get up. You head back into the kitchen to get some water, hoping that it helps with the lump in your throat.
And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
You know things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me.
You turn the radio off immediately.
------------------------
When EJ asks if Eugene and Vivian can be a part of the wedding you can't think of a reason to say no so you agree. And realize that means you'll have to be at the wedding too. It's ok you tell yourself. You're all past it.
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing you now
The irony, of course, comes on the "special" day right around the time your car breaks down. You think for a minute that maybe you should have agreed to go with Lucas and the kids but you wanted some time for yourself. Besides, unlike your husband, you really didn't want to be front and center for this.
And that would be okay if you had any idea why.
I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you, oh, yeah
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
The fun just keeps on when you finally arrive only to find everyone turning to you. You catch on quickly that they must have just asked if anyone objects. Any sane person would mumble some excuse and sit down.
So it makes sense that you stand frozen.
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me
It's that look in EJ's eyes. The same one you now know you must have had, begging him not to do anything and to please just let this end smoothly, that finally moves you. You sit down with out a word, drowning out the murmuring of the church.
And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
But things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me
Everything was beautiful of course. From the bride's dress (you have a fleeting thought that you'd look better in it) to the flowers to the groom. You don't clap when everyone else does, for some reason you feel to cry as you stare at the happy couple racing out of towards their limo.
"You love him."
And you wonder how didn't notice your own husband next to you.
"I love you." You answer.
The flair of his nose, signals you that he finally got it. All the times when that was your answer- you never denied loving EJ. Because you couldn't,
Because you do.
And now…
I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing you now
The song is playing again as you enter Lucas' car to go with him the reception. He goes to change it but you move your hand to stop him.
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
If he noticed the silent tears that fell down your face, you're sure he's telling himself that it's because it's all over.
The funny thing is that he's exactly right.