Small angsty piece in The End 'verse, so spoilers for that episode. It's written in the POV of Cas, Dean, and Future Dean.
I may or may not have changed tiny details to make it fit my purposes, and it is at least one sided Destiel, can be interpreted as kind of Destiel. I don't know, it's up to you.
The lyrics are from the song Anthem of the Angels, by Breaking Benjamin.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song lyrics, or even the setting. I can just say that that episode always breaks my heart a little and I've wanted to write something about it for ages, and the song fits perfectly, I think.
Enjoy and review!
~SPN~
Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I
He looked at Dean, and then to past-Dean. They were so different, and he could almost feel his heart being torn in two. Past-Dean was the man he had loved, and chosen to fall from Heaven for, but Dean, the present Dean, was in a way more his Dean.
He could sometimes still see traces of past-Dean in Dean, even though it was rare nowadays. He had changed the night Sam said yes to the devil, but Dean, Castiel's Dean, was never completely erased.
He would go through Hell, literally, again for both of them, and even if he knew that this mission was a suicide one, he never once contemplated saying no. Where Dean went, he followed. Whether it was past-Dean or Dean was irrelevant.
After Dean knocked out past-Dean, he came up to Castiel, and without saying a word, he squeezed his shoulder for a second. A silent goodbye. Castiel met his eyes for a second, and hoped that the love that had never been spoken of was conveyed in that single, final glance.
His last thought as he fell to the floor, blood gushing from a wound in his chest, and guns still blazing around him, was that he hoped that things would go differently in past-Dean's reailty. That he would be braver there. That Dean wouldn't become what he had here.
His final prayer was not for his father, but consisted of the single word "Dean".
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Dean looked at Cas, this future Cas, and felt a painful twinge in his heart. He had pretty much done this to Cas, he was the reason he hardly could find a trace of his angel.
He could also see the, not faith, but absolute devotion the ex angel felt towards him, and he knew that Cas knew as well as he did that this was a suicide mission, that they were not meant to come out alive. But withoutn any hesitation, he followed Dean. Future Dean. Just like he once must have followed Dean, because if he hadn't, he would still be an angel, a being of grace and light, instead of this miserable, broken drug addict. All grace that once had shone through his eyes was gone. Dean could only find misery and a was for it all to end.
And it would. And Cas knew it. He would go into that building, knowing he would die there, and he would do it all for Dean. Future-Dean.
When future-Dean knocked him out, he only thought that he couldn't let this happen. Not to Cas. Whatever he had done here, to do this to his angel, he had to do it differently.
His Cas would never end up like this.
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
Dean, future-Dean, silently squeezed Cas' shoulder for a moment, unable to find words for what he was about to do. Unable to find words that would redeem him for what he was making Cas do for him.
He met Cas' eyes for a second, trying to tell him what he couldn't say with words, hoping, knowing Cas would understand. That Cas knew. And all he saw in the returned gaze was undeserved, never earned love. He looked away, letting go of Cas' shoulder.
He had to do this. It would probably be a suicide mission for him as well, but he could see no other way than sending his friends into the building as a diversion, to give him just the slightest chance.
When past-Dean asked him what the hell he was doing, asking him how he could do this to Cas, he did his best to not let any emotions shine through. When he punched his past self and went back to the others, he could feel Cas' gaze on him, and refused to look back.
He didn't want to see what he had done to his angel. He didn't want to see the look of hopelessness and determination to follow him through whatever he did. He didn't deserve that love.
He should have let Cas go, he shouldn't have kept asking him to make sacrifices for him. He shouldn't have let him fall, shouldn't have let him slowly disappear into the haze of drugs and orgies.
He wished he'd done a lot differently. He wished he could give everything he had taken from him back to Cas, but instead he sent him into, as past-Dean had put it, into a meat grinder, making him make a final sacrifice. For him. And Cas would do it, he knew. Without hesitation.
He told them to go. As they parted ways, he saw Cas give him what almost seemed like a smile. He shook his head. He was there to kill the devil, and now was the time to do it.
He had always told his angel that he sucked at goodbyes. This time, he was the one who didn't.
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
THE END
~SPN~
Please please please review? It makes me really happy!