In the depths of a rusted, murky basement of another time and another place, a tall, lanky, out of work plumber scratched his butt and opened an eye to the glare of the rising sun- at least what could be seen of it through moldy windows
"Et ez only seven," the plumber thought to himself, "more sleep for Leweegee."
However, just as he settled, the alarm clock clicked reassuring him that the day had already begun. Noise filled the small bungalow and the DJ from the plumber's favorite radio station began his daily spiel.
"This is W-9-5-7-1, it is eight o'clock, and it is time to party, Mushroom Kingdom!"
Luigi pulled a pillow over his head, however this did nothing to muffle the sound. The alarm clock was so loud that it sounded as if the DJ was standing over his bed with a microphone.
"Deeemon DeeeJay, let Leweegee chase de sheep." Luigi replied.
"We are ready to kick off your morning with a little Toadstool Trippin' by the Mayhem Mushrooms, but before we power-up your day, here is a message from our neighborhood star."
At first Luigi did not stir, nonetheless the DJ grasped his attention. Et does not mean it ez heem. Et could be da Peech, or even de Monkey. Luigi thought.
"WAAHOOO, ETZA ME, MARIO! YOU LISTENING TO 9-5-7-1, ME FAVORITE RAHDIO!"
Luigi shot up and snatched his pillow. "ETZA LEWEEGEE'S FAVORITE RAHDIO!" He pitched the pillow at his alarm clock and knocked it over, however he also happened to hit the tall glass of water beside it as well.
"OH NO, MAMA's CLOCK RAHDIO!"
With his comforter in hand, Luigi rolled out of bed to blot the old radio. However, he did this much more vigorously than he expected. The muffling of Mario's voice and the forceful smothering simulated an act Luigi was all too willing to commit.
"Shut up Mario! Leweegee say shut up!"
But before the third thrust Luigi became winded and began to pant loudly. He let go of the radio and the announcement continued.
"-SO REMEMBAH, COME OUT TO MARIO'S!"
Come out to Mario's? Luigi thought to himself, still lightheaded from his alarm clock throttling. The statement seemed to imply much, but he wasn't willing to assume anything-perhaps to keep himself from a heart attack.
"No, MaMa wouldn't let heem." he assured himself.
Luigi stood in front of his lime-caked mirror. In it, he looked at a tall Italian man who was hairless from the lip to toe. Mario was the one who got de hair! He thought to himself. This was unfortunate considering his size. At six foot seven he stood almost two feet taller than Mario yet lacked the hair of a toadstool.
"ET make Leweegee look likah tall teenie!" Luigi frowned.
Luigi turned to the side to take a better look at his physique. His features were so androgynous that from the side he looked like a young woman just venturing into puberty. His shoulders sagged, his arms were almost non-existent, and his chest had deflated from what one might describe as his glory days. Confined to inactivity due to his clumsiness, Luigi had at one time considered seeking out breast reduction surgery, but then scrapped that plan once he realized the only plastic surgeon in town was Dr. Mario.
"Mario give me breasts twice de size and laugh at Leweegee!" He told himself in the mirror.
One of the few masculine qualities left to Luigi was his belly. While from the side he looked almost entirely like a thirteen year old girl, his stomach set him out from the pack. It protruded from below his concave chest like a bowling ball. However, though his stomach did add bulk to his physique, it was not a selling point for any woman. Luigi had to find this out the hard way.
"I bet chu a trip to Leweegee's basement, Leweegee eat a more lasagna today den everyone in bar!" Luigi had said once to a particularly striking woman at the local pub. In response to his bet, the woman slapped Luigi, spinning him around at least twice before tripping over a chair, landing on the topside of a table and toppling over it. Luigi would not stand up afterward- stars circled his head. The Mushroom Kingdom would recognize the incident as the only time a man has been knocked unconscious by a slap in recorded history; Mario had shared the story with everyone until, it seemed, every single man, woman, and child in the Kingdom had heard it.
The pinnacle of Luigi's pride and masculinity, however, was his mustache. Luigi bent his knee's in order to observe the length of its grandeur in the mirror. He ran a comb through the long dark curls. His mustache had the length and bushiness of a squirrel's tail, and its fullness only increased as he continued to pull with his comb.
"Here we go…mmm…here we go…" He said as he groomed his mustache and massaged his confidence. Eventually he knew he was ready.
"Wahoo! Leweegee, numba one!" He pointed at the mirror. "Today, you sell seven lasagna sandwich!"
Luigi whizzed around his shop, wiping down every last surface to a shine just before 10 o'clock. The front counter was open and lined with stools, the chairs were neatly set at their tables, and the coffee was hot. Luigi slid across the floor gracefully, placing everything in its proper place while humming a tune. As he flew by his radio, without looking, he swung his arm while performing a pirouette and struck the on button.
"…But I wish that they could all be Mushroom Kingdom giiirrrlls!" The radio played.
"Oh! Etza de Peach Boys!" Luigi continued dancing, twirling around and pointing dramatically at the door."Uh huh!" From here, Luigi turned and busted out his patented Luigi Moonwalk.
"Uh huh, Leweegee, do de moonwalk."
The move looked much like a regular moonwalk, however, one which the dancer is unable to restrain their arms coolly at the hips. Instead, Luigi, haunted by the music, usually flailed his arms like an angry gorilla. This Luigi Moonwalk, in particular, also displayed a sort of rigid back and forth atypical head pecking motion.
The Luigi Moonwalk was not a secret, however; it was gracelessly displayed at many mushroom kingdom functions. Surprisingly, Luigi did not take offense to the ridicule of his dancing. He just loved it too much to care. This, however, did not stop Mario from taking the opportunity to mock his awkward older brother: dubbing the dance the "Luigi Goonwalk".
Luigi reached the front door, pivoted, and pointed at the open/closed sign. Before flipping it over, Luigi picked it up and examined it. It would be the first day using the sign, and so he checked if the words were spelled correctly. The day previous Donkey Kong had visited and made the suggestion.
"De monkey say it with ahn 'e'." Luigi, however, was skeptical. "Oh-pin." He said it again, only this time slower. "Ohhhh-pin." He placed a finger on his lip and scowled. "Ah!" He pulled his finger away and dipped into his pocket for his pen. "Monkey's only know how to peel banana!" Luigi crossed out the word open and wrote ohpin above it. Then, he flipped over the sign, crossed his arms, and smiled.
Luigi sat behind the counter with his gloved hand beneath his chin. His eyes rolled up towards the clock on the wall above the register; it was two o'clock.
"Oh Mama-mia." he mumbled. There were no customers yet. The only one to have entered the restaurant was a small mushroom man.
The mushroom man sat down at the end of the counter quietly sipping his drink. Though the mushroom man had short and stubby arms and a soft white face like any of them, this one, only this one, gave him the chills. He wore a black leather jacket with no undershirt and the faintest showing of chest hair- something he never knew to be possible of their kind. He wore dark sunglasses with a mess of facial hair that, to Luigi, lookah likah baby eating chocolate cake! Of course, Luigi did not voice this opinion.
Luigi had not noticed when the miniature visitor entered his restaurant, he had fallen asleep leaning over his front counter sometime around noon. Specifically, he was woken up by an unknown slam.
"But I love you MaMa!" Luigi spat.
Luigi's recoil sent his hat spinning in the air above him. When he noticed this, he swiped it, placed it back on his head, and scoured the room for the source of the noise. There was nothing to be seen: his shop was still empty, pedestrians walked in front of the restaurant in their usual calm. Then, he looked down at the counter and saw a tiny man sitting on the other side.
"Ah!"
There was a tiny plump white arm with three pudgy fingers laid over the counter. Pinned beneath the three fingers was a large golden koopa coin. Luigi followed the glint of the metal from the coin up the small arm to the individual it belonged to. It was a mushroom man; all Luigi could see of him was his spotted shroomy head. However, just then, the mushroom man lifted his head and stared at Luigi through his dark square sunglasses.
Luigi recoiled at the sight of his stalwart face. With his hands perched close to his body, Luigi tilted his head back and away from the visitor. "Ah…canah help you?"
His voice was deep and throaty. "Refreshment, Mustache. Or do you still draw from well?"
"Ah…" Luigi looked around the empty restaurant, searching for any other faces, and returned to the only one. "Ah…Refreshment? Ah…Mama always say 'Leweegee, etza most refreshing see yo face.' But, Ah, Leweegee just stick to cold showah."
The mushroom man tilted his head just slightly to the left and then to the right, taking in the scope of the tiny restaurant. Once more he raised his head to Luigi. Then the mushroom man lifted his finger from the coin. He came down from the counter and waddled away towards one of the stools. Luigi could not see his face but watched the top of his spotted head bob along the counter. His shoes squeaked with each step.
"Ah…" Luigi wrestled his confusion with wild incredulous eyes as he fiercely tried to put together a better understanding of what the mushroom man wanted- anything to convince himself he wasn't about to take a shell to the chin. Then he got it.
"Ah! You wantah drink!" He smiled at his revelation, but the mushroom man seemed not to notice. Keeping his eyes on the visitor as well as his space, Luigi shuffled towards the soda fountain along the back wall and fumbled for a mug.
"Ah…what kind of drink canah…Leweegee get you, mushroom man?"
The mushroom man pulled himself up onto the stool, kicking his way up to the top. Once secured, he leaned over the counter slowly.
"Leweegee canah serve coffee." His shaking hand edged towards the coffee pot. But there was no response. He dropped his hand as if the thought never crossed his mind. "Ah…we gotah…some water mushroom man?" Still no response. "Do you…ah…want something hot…or ah…something cold?"
The mushroom arched his head up and away from Luigi, as if in contemplation, but said nothing. Then, in the same deep cavernous voice responded. "Dark…Cold… thick and real…"
Luigi served him chilled chocolate milk.
Since that time, the mushroom man had done nothing but lean over his mug, leather collar popped, sipping his chocolate drink. It was now 2:30 and still he had not had any other customers. Usually by this time he had at least seen Marvolio, his favorite customer, but today this was not the case.
Then, as if by good chance, he spotted his chunky friend across the street speaking with a paper boy. Luigi perked up and his hat bounced on his head.
"Marvolio!"
Forgetting his role, Luigi, threw off his apron to go greet the man. He slid across his immaculate tile floor and flew out the door.
"MARVOLIO!" Luigi yelled. "IVE AH GOTAH YOUR LASAGNAA SANDWICH RIGHTAH HEYAH!"
Marvolio appeared as if to have seen a Boo. He quickly shoved the piece of paper in his hand into his jacket pocket. It looked as if the man behind him were not a paperboy, but a flier koopa.
"Ah…Hey, Luigi. Howzah…ah… tha restaurant?"
"Ah! Marvolio! You always makah me laugh. Come inside and you will see it is even bettah then yest-tahday!"
Just then a piece of paper tumbled across the street and wrapped around Luigi's leg. Luigi bent over to grab the paper while keeping his eyes and smile on Marvolio. In transition to the nearby trashcan Luigi spied an object on the scrap that pummeled him with a wave of disgust: The red cap.
Luigi straightened out the sheet of paper and saw his little brother's face. He read: Come to Mario's! The Mushroom Kingdom's first Italian eatery!
"What!" Luigi exclaimed.
He continued to read. Our Bowser Burger is sure to be a town favorite; you know what Mario always says: "It's a Bowza' that'll make you go Wowza!"
"BURGER NO ITALI-AN!" Luigi screamed as he shook the paper in his hand.
Hey, you don't have to settle for some 'lasagna hotdog,' so come to Mario's!
"ETZA LASAGNA SANDWICH!" Luigi clutched the flier, practically strangling it.
For real authentic Italian food try Mario's Spaghetti and Meatball served with MaMa's Special Sauce! "Itsah World Famous!"
"NO! MaMa WOULD NEVAH! ET EASAH LIIIIE!"
Luigi ripped the flier into two and pointed across the street to a shaking Marvolio.
"MARVOLIO! YOUUU NO GO TO MARIO'S!" Luigi proclaimed.
"Yessah Luigi! I go to Mario's! I sorry!" He backed away, along the opposite building.
"Marvolio! Etza not real Itali-an! No lasagna sandwich!"
"LUIGI!" Marvolio stopped his retreat. "YOU CANTAH MAKAH A LASAGNA SANDWICH! IT ALWAYS FALLAH APARTAH!"
"NO, I MAKAH WITHAH SPECIAL CHEESAH!"
"No, Luigi! It fallah apartah like dream of goomba! Etza worst idea, like giving de monkey's de star power, like," and he dared, "like 'Super Luigi Brothers!'"
Luigi crumbled up the flier and hurled it across the road at Marvolio. His poor, girlish-like form produced just enough force to hurl the piece of paper into the street but no farther.
"MARVOLIO! YOU NEVER WELCOME TO LEWEEGEE'S! GO! GO NOW TO MARIO'S!"
Marvolio neared the corner, but then turned around. "And Luigi, you gotta learn how to spellah!"
Luigi, caught up in his fury, rushed towards Marvolio a few steps. "I can spell, Marvolio!" He screamed. "I know Ohpin!"
Marvolio looked confused; his eyes wandered behind Luigi and then he slapped his forehead.
"Ah, Luigi, I talkah about tha signah!" He pointed above Luigi towards the awning of his tiny restaurant. There, painted in Luigi's print, was the word Leweegeeze. "You confusah people!"
Luigi looked up at his sign and then gritted his teeth.
"GO!"
Marvolio threw his hands at Luigi and started rounding the corner. Right before he exited he turned towards Luigi once more. "And open is with an 'e'!"
Luigi stormed back into his restaurant and flipped his 'ohpin' sign around to closed.
"Mushroom man, you must go, we sell no more to-day." He cut his hand across the air. "Etza was your last chance to get lasagna sandwich, but now et is too late. You must go."
Luigi whipped his head in the direction where the mushroom man was sitting and saw that his seat was vacant. The mushroom man had fled. However, he did see something. There, sticking out from his counter was one of his steak knives. Luigi, caught up in a whirlwind of fury, stormed over to the knife and placed his hand on its handle. However, just before he pulled it from the table he saw something carved crudely into the table.
"KOOPAH RASE TURNAMINT" The phrase read. Luigi said it aloud, at first with disdain. However, he repeated himself slowly, drawing the syllables of the small phrase into the length of a song. Suddenly it sounded so soothing- it was almost as if phrase was a lullaby.