A/N: Inspired by Stargazing BasketCase's story, "Things Not To Do On the NX-01."
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, and I'm not making any money off this.
Historian's Note: Set in late season seven.
Things Not to do on Voyager
Tom Paris was not in a particularly good mood. He was bored, and it so happened that there was little to relieve his boredom. B'Elanna was in the middle of maneuvering thruster maintenance, a task which she insisted on supervising, pregnancy and all. Harry had the bridge for Gamma Shift. His next turn on the holodeck wasn't for another week. With three days left in the month, he was completely out of replicator rations. He had even watched enough of his TV.
It was time for something different. Different could get one in trouble if it wasn't done carefully, though.
That sparked an idea. He grabbed a padd and checked its contents; it only had the plans for a holodeck program he finished, so he deleted that and looked at the blank padd while the plan formulated in his mind.
Captain Janeway was trying to choose which of Neelix's breakfast dishes looked less offensive when Tuvok appeared at her side. He was good at that, appearing at her side without attracting any notice. Then again, she had just gotten her coffee.
"Captain, I would like to draw your attention to a new development in 'jokes' among the crew. I suspect that Lieutenant Paris is involved."
She took another fortifying sip of coffee and followed Tuvok. "What now?"
A group of crewman parted ways and dispersed as she approached a padd on the wall. Things Not to do on Voyager, read the title. "It looks harmless enough."
"Perhaps you should keep reading."
1. Never, under any circumstances, program the replicator to dispense only decaf coffee. It is vital to ship's operations that the captain gets caffeine.
She had never figured out exactly who did that (although, as usual, Tom was high on the list of suspects), but it had resulted in an "April Fool's Present" of replicator rations in her account, so she let it go with a sternly worded memo.
2. Even if something looks like normal food, don't get your hopes up.
Well, Neelix wasn't going to be thrilled with that, but there was a good measure of truth in the warning. "Yesterday's muffins proved that," she acknowledged.
Tuvok was still waiting for her response, so she began "I'm not aware of any specific regulations prohibiting this list."
He raised an eyebrow. "It is probable that Starfleet never saw the need to prohibit such unlikely behavior."
"The crew needs to let off steam somehow. We'll let this one slide." Privately, she was amused. It wasn't a bad idea, really.
He would be wondering what she would let slide next, but true to form, Tuvok merely nodded. "I will see you on the bridge."
When Tom made his way towards the list later that afternoon, he was pleased to see that people had taken the instructions for adding anonymously to heart.
3. If the UT in your communicator stops working, request another. Do not attempt to muddle through with sign language. There is no galactic sign language!
He'd heard about that from Harry. Crewman de Rosa apparently thought that sign language could substitute for the UT in an emergency. She learned her error the hard way: it took two days in prison before Captain Janeway was able to convince the Rhowqua that de Rosa did not actually plan to ruin the harvest for the next eleven years.
4. Do not take Ensign Golwat's advice on food. She could drink battery acid and not be bothered.
Tom could only wonder who it was who had taken so long figuring that out. For most humanoid species, Bolian cuisine was dangerous; just their weak tea gave must humans a terrible stomachache.
5. Don't transfer the Doctor's program to the holodeck without warning while running battle simulations. He is not amused.
Tom hadn't heard about this one, but Tuvok had some teams practicing earlier that day. It sounded like a good story, so he went to find someone in Security.
B'Elanna had been sworn to secrecy about the origins of the now-famous list, which made it even more exciting. She was a couple of minutes earlier than Tom for dinner and utilized the time to check for additions.
6. Don't volunteer for an away mission if Commander Chakotay is piloting.
That got a smirk. Chakotay was a good friend, but his shuttle track record was not good.
7. If you have no choice in the above, don't leave without saying prayers. And updating your will.
"Hey," greeted Tom.
"Hey yourself."
After a kiss, he looked at the list. "Chakotay's not going to be happy about that."
Suddenly, a distinctive voice asked, "About what?"
"Oh, look, there's Harry!" With that, Tom took off across the mess hall.
Chakotay read the newest additions and sighed. "He's involved in this somehow."
When he turned around, B'Elanna merely shrugged.
Chakotay sighed again. Then, quite suddenly, there was a new warning on the list.
8. Don't compare Surak to Martin Luther where Vorik might hear you. (Unless you want to spend the next fifteen minutes debating the point.)
He cracked a smile at that. Vorik was somewhat ardent, in a logical Vulcan way. He'd mentioned that to Tuvok once; the Security Chief raised an eyebrow and noted, "Ensign Vorik is young."
Then again, Chakotay was no theologian, but it seemed to him that there were parallels between Surak and Luther.