Of course, this really isn't going to be medically accurate.)
I didn't reread this, so… heads up.
Title is Mayday Parade song "Bruised and Scarred."
Rae had a hard time getting to sleep that night. Her mind was racing, replaying Finn's hurt expression over and over. "What have I done? Rae!" echoed in her head. She pulled her pillow over her face and pressed it against her ears, as if it would stop and muffle what's going on inside her head. She groaned and flipped over in bed so she was lying on her stomach.
"Please stop," she begged her head. "Let me sleep!"
After two hours of tossing and turning in bed, her body finally gave into sleep. It was peaceful. Her mind shut down and there were no images of Finn, no sound. Just black silence.
But that wonderful silence was broken by the incessant ringing of the telephone. Rae's eyes popped open and she turned to her clock on the night table. She groaned again at the time. 4:04 am. She'd only been asleep for a little over half an hour. She made her way out of bed but as soon as her feet touched the floor the ringing stopped. She hesitated, ready to get back into bed when the ringing started up again.
"Fucking hell," she said as she pushed off the bed and made her way into the hallway to the wall receiver. She rubbed her eyes and yawned as she put the phone to her ear.
"He- hello?"
"Rae! Rae, it's John. I'm so sorry to wake you but-" Mr. Nelson's voice broke off and she heard sobbing on the other side of the phone.
"Mr. Nelson, what's going on? Are you alright?" she asked, fully awake now.
"Accident… A&E…" she tried hard to understand what he was saying but only caught a few words here and there.
"Mr. Nelson, try and breathe slowly. I'm sorry, I can't understand you." Rae was worried.
She heard Mr. Nelson try to catch his breath on the other side.
"Finn was in an accident and he's in A&E." Rae's heart dropped in her chest and her own breathing began to turn erratic.
"What- what happened?"
"Motorcycle accident. Listen, I'm in Plymouth right now. I'm trying to get back but it's going to be a few hours still. Can you go to the hospital? He needs someone there with him."
Rae swallowed hard. "Yeah. Of course."
"I'll call the hospital and tell them they can talk to you. I'll be there as soon as I can. Thank you so much, Rae." Mr. Nelson was beginning to sob again.
"Of course. I'll let you know everything. Mr. Nelson? Finn's going to be just fine."
Rae wasn't sure who she was trying to reassure more; her or Mr. Nelson. She set the phone down and put her hand over her heart. It was beating so fast it felt like it would burst out of her chest. She walked blindly to her mum's room and pushed open the door.
"Mum," she said. Or tried to say, rather. It took her a moment to realize they didn't budge because whilst her mouth moved, no sound was emitted. She swallowed hard again.
"Mum!" she said louder, shaking her awake. "Mum!" she yelled.
"Rachel! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing yelling at me at 4:30 in the fucking morning?" Linda said sleepily.
"We need to go to the hospital!" Rae rushed, pulling on Linda's arm. Karim was sat up in bed now, looking on confused.
"Why? What's going on?" her mum was now worried. She got out of bed and checked Rae's legs for blood, scared of what she might find. "Rae?"
"Finn," Rae croaked.
"What happened?"
"In an accident. Mr. Nelson's in Plymouth. We need to go!" Rae's voice was hoarse with emotion.
"Rachel!" her mum put her hands on her shoulders, stopping her in her place and forcing Rae to look at her. "Go change and we'll head out, alright?"
Rae nodded and rushed into her room, throwing on jeans and her usual two shirts absentmindedly before shoving her feet into her chucks and heading downstairs. Her hair was unkempt and her teeth unbrushed but she didn't care. Right now what was important was getting to Finn who was alone in the hospital.
Linda followed behind her, quickly reaching for her purse and keys as they walked to the car. They both shoved themselves in and Linda hurriedly started the car. Just as Linda shifted the car into reverse they saw Karim run out to the car waving his arm. Linda rolled down Rae's window and he thrust Rae a red book and pink pen. She looked to her hands to see Karim had brought her, her diary. She gave him a weak smile as thanks as Linda backed out of the drive.
The drive to the hospital was silent except for the sound of the car and wind as they drove. Rae's eyes were locked on the dashboard, her leg bouncing nervously, and her fingers anxiously ran along the corner of her diary as she held it to her chest like a security blanket.
Linda looked to her side at her daughter, concern flashing through her eyes. She noticed Rae was different with Finn. She seemed more at ease; happier. She was getting out of the house and hanging out with the gang, not just staying cooped up in the house alone. She knew Rae wasn't better but she hoped that being with her friends was helping. She had been afraid that when she got out of the hospital herself, she was going to not leave her room and socialize. She was really glad that they ran into Chloe on the drive home that day months back.
But now with Finn apparently in the hospital Linda was worried that this may set her back. Whilst they didn't know yet of Finn's condition, motorcycle accidents prove to be deadly and she wanted to shield Rae away from it.
Twenty minutes later, Linda and Rae pulled into the car park for A&E. Rae sat stationary in her seat as she started to hyperventilate. Linda got out and came to Rae's door and opened it. She squatted down beside her and grabbed Rae's hands, cupping them between her own.
"Rae," she spoke softly. "Rae, calm down. Breathe slowly, lovey. Okay, let's get in there. Finn needs us right now, yeah?"
Rae nodded and slowly got out of the car, holding onto Linda's arm as they walked to the reception desk.
"Hi, Linda. Everything alright?" Linda's coworker asked, looking at a despondent Rae concernedly.
"We're here for Finley Nelson," Linda said patting Rae's hand.
"Right, his father did tell us you were authorized. Let's see," nurse Jamie trailed off as she read the notes on the computer. "He was admitted at 12:16am with severe trauma to his left arm, multiple superficial wounds on his body, and he is in surgery right now for a head injury. That's just from when he was admitted, there haven't been any new notes added electronically since. Right now he's listed as critical."
Although Linda was a nurse, right now she was in mother-mode. She nodded to Jamie and walked Rae to the seats where they could still see the reception desk. Rae released her mum's arm as she sat down, Linda knelt down before here again.
"Rae, look at me," she said softly. Her eyes shot down to Rae's hands as she grabbed them. They were clammy. Linda went from mother-mode into nurse-mode. She looked Rae in the eyes but they weren't focused, they were just… staring. Without taking her eyes off Rae, Linda called loudly to the nurse. "Jamie, get me a blanket please."
"Rachel, look at me. You're going into shock. You need to look at me, lovey," Linda said rubbing Rae's arms.
Rae's eyes slowly focused on her mum. "That's right, lovey," she cooed as she took the blanket from Jamie and set it around Rae's shoulders.
"Chop!" Rae spouted, her eyes opening even wider.
"Let's wait until he's out of surgery. We'll call them when he's into a room. We aren't going to hear anything until then, we should let them rest until we know something. And you, as well. Try and rest. Close your eyes, I'll be right here. Jamie will let us know when he's out, okay?"
But Rae couldn't sleep. If her mind was racing earlier then it's a fucking Grand Prix going on now. What was he doing at 12:00am on his scooter? Where was he going? Was this her fault?
Peace came to Rae at 6:00am when she ran out of fuel, unable to fight sleep any longer she finally fell asleep.
"… induced coma whilst the swelling goes down."
Rae woke up and looked around the waiting room. She noticed her mum facing away from her, speaking quietly to someone beside her. She wiped the sleep from her eyes as she leaned forwards.
"Mr. Nelson!" Rae said.
"Hiya, Rae," he said sadly. "Alright?"
Rae shook her head. "What time is it?"
"Half past eleven," Linda said as she looked at her watch.
"They're moving Finn to a room now. They'll come get us when he's situated and we can go back," Mr. Nelson said, fiddling with his hands. Something Rae noticed Finn doing constantly when he felt awkward.
"Any news?" she asked quietly. She was unsure if she wanted a watered down version or the full-on truth.
Mr. Nelson sighed before responding. "Apparently a lorry driver ran the light when Finn was in the intersection. Threw him from the scooter and he landed in the middle of the road. He lost a lot of blood from a wound on his arm but they didn't need pins to fix the break or anything. Other cuts are stitched but he's in an induced coma right now until the swelling in his brain goes down. Your mum and the nurses say that the next couple days are the most crucial."
When he finished, he pressed his face into his hands, bent over in the chair. Linda moved her hand to rub his back.
"He'll be fine, John," she tried to reassure him.
"I need to call Chop and Archie," Rae said pushing up from the chair, wincing slightly as her muscles clenched in protest.
Linda reached down to her purse and pulled out a handful of coins, setting them in Rae's hand.
Rae made her way outside to the phone box, her eyes squinting from the bright sun assaulting her. She took a moment to breathe when she closed the door behind her, barely fitting inside she felt cramped. She rested her empty hand on the receiver and tooth a deep breath, inserting a few coins into the slot and dialing Chop's number.
"Hello?" Rae sighed in relief at it being Chop that picked up.
"Hiya, Chop."
"Raemundo!" Chop exclaimed excitedly. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" Rae swore she could hear his gap toothed grin in his voice.
"It's Finn," she started.
Chop's demeanor changed. He could tell there was something wrong as Rae spoke. "What's wrong, Raemundo?"
"He's in the hospital. He was in an accident."
The other end of the line was silent.
"He's being moved into a room, he just got out of surgery."
"Is- Is he okay now?" Chop asked, quieter than Rae had ever heard him before.
"We don't really know yet. He had a lot of injuries but there's still a lot that can go wrong," Rae felt the first tear of the past 13 hours fall from her eye. It was as if now she was finally understanding that Finn may not make it. That there was a possibility he could die.
Chop sniffled, his own tears making their way down his face. "I'll pick up Izzy and Chloe. We'll be over in the hour."
"Bye," Rae whispered as she hung up the phone.
She added a few more coins before dialing Archie.
"Hello?" a woman answered.
"Hi, Mrs. Tyler. Is Archie home?"
"Rae, I'm so sorry! I ju-"
"Finn's in the hospital. He was in an accident. You should come and see him. It's bad." She rushed out.
"I'll be there soon," Archie said hanging up.
Rae walked solemnly back into the A&E waiting room to see her mum standing by the door waiting for her, her diary sticking out of her purse.
"Did you want to go back and see him?"
"I- I don't know. I don't know if I can."
"Let's leave John alone with him for a while then. We can wait for the others to show up." Linda led Rae back to the seats.
They sat quietly, Linda flipping through a medical journal whilst Rae twiddled her thumbs.
"Rae!" she heard.
She turned to the side to see Chop, Izzy, and Chloe jog to her before Chop pulled her out of her seat and into a tight hug. She weakly hugged him back. She didn't deserve it; didn't deserve his sympathy. She'd hurt Finn. She shouldn't even be here.
Chop pulled away and wiped his eyes, the four of them sat down. Chop pulled Izzy onto his lap and held onto her around the waist. Rae's diary was her security blanket whereas Chop's was Izzy. Archie arrived and sat silently beside Chloe.
Two women walked in a little while later and went up to the reception desk.
"No…" she heard Chop whisper to himself as he looked at them incredulously.
"What?" Chloe asked at the same moment Mr. Nelson could be seen walking back to them from the corridor.
One woman turned quickly to Mr. Nelson causing him to stop in his tracks. But his face showed nothing.
"John, where is he?" the brunette woman asked.
"What are you two doing here, Whitney?" Mr. Nelson asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
"My boy's in the hospital, almost dead, John. What do you think?"
"What do you care? You haven't seen him in 12 years. You left us for Janine, Whitney. I was obligated to tell you. That doesn't mean you should be here," Mr. Nelson said calmly.
Rae's eyes widened, she turned to Chop who was already looking at her. He nodded knowingly and grimaced.
"Did I make a mistake leaving my son in the hands of an unfit parent?" Whitney asked, her head tilted to the side and her own arms crossing.
Mr. Nelson scoffed and looked down at his shoes before looking back at them, shaking his head disdainfully.
"Whitney… Your mistake was leaving your son. Period. You missed out on watching the greatest little boy grow up. Your mistake was leaving behind a 5 year-old boy who grew up thinking that his mum left because he was a bad son, because he wasn't good enough, that he didn't deserve to be loved. I am not an unfit parent. I am a normal parent. I've made mistakes but I've done my damnedest to be the best I can. I wasn't home because I was gone on conference for work because I am trying to support both myself and my son as a single parent."
"Then why was he leaving to go see a girl?" Janine sneered from beside Whitney.
Rae gasped audibly and covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes filling with tears. It was her fault.
Whitney and Janine both turned their heads to the group and glared at Rae. They followed behind Mr. Nelson who quickly made his way to Rae and squatted down before her.
"Rae, no. It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself," he said.
"But it was," Rae whispered. "I broke up with him last night."
"You fat, little bitch. You killed my son," Whitney said, pointing a sharp finger at Rae.
Chop pushed Izzy off his lap and stood in front of Whitney and Janine menacingly.
"Now, you listen to me. First of all, Finn isn't dead. Second, you are the one that destroyed him. Even at fifteen he'd get drunk and start sobbing about how he hated himself for making you leave, how much he missed you, and how he was never going to be good enough for anyone. Fifteen, Whitney. Ten years after you'd left. That's how far the shit you've done to him runs. Then he met Rae. The greatest thing to happen to him. Finn was fucking happy, he laughed and joked more. He told me that he finally felt like he found what he was missing and he found it in the girl he loves. The same girl you're trying to hurt because you're a goddamn bitch and a poor excuse for a mother. You're the one who left not only Finn but a husband behind because you're selfish. Now, you can fucking leave on your own accord or I'll go get security to drag your sorry arses out of here."
"She just said she bro-"
"He said fuck off," Chloe repeated standing next to Chop.
Whitney glared at them as Janine pulled her away and out the door.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Rae asked her mum.
"I didn't want you to blame yourself," Linda said simply.
"I did kill him, didn't I?" Rae said.
"No, Rae. You saved my boy. He was a moody fucker before you came along. I understand you broke up with him but him getting in an accident wasn't your fault. It was the lorry driver's." Mr. Nelson pleaded for her to understand.
"If I didn't break up with him he wouldn't have been on the scooter in the first place!" Rae countered.
"It wasn't your fault," he repeated. "Did you want to go see him now?"
Rae stared at her hands as she shook her head. She couldn't do it. Mr. Nelson patted her knee affectionately as he turned to the other four. "How about you lot?"
"Are you sure, Rae?" Izzy asked.
Rae nodded, unable to look at them. They shouldn't be sympathetic towards her, they should be angry. They should be cursing her for taking their friend from them.
Two at a time they went back and stayed with Finn for a good half hour each. Rae turned down food from her mum multiple times but accepted the tea she brought. She spent hours sitting in the waiting room writing in her diary. At the end of the day when Linda had to force her home so she could shower and sleep she'd written a solid 10 pages of self-loathing words.
For the next five days it was all repetition. She'd wake up, go to the hospital, sit in the waiting room, be forced home, shower, sleep… One time she did have her session with Kester but he couldn't talk any sense into her, he couldn't get her to open up. She sat silent the whole hour, not absorbing anything Kester said. She showed up without a "hello" and left without a "goodbye."
But never once did she get the nerve to go into Finn's room and see him. The gang tried to talk to her but she felt she didn't deserve it and blew them off.
On the seventh day of Finn's hospital stay they took him out of the medically induced coma. But he still wasn't awake although his body was healing well. The doctors said he should be making a full recovery.
Rae did speak up at that point. "Will he be able to play football the same?" she'd asked softly.
The doctor smiled gently at her. "Absolutely. He'll be sore for a little while but none of the injuries should stop him from playing. He should just take it lightly at the beginning."
Rae nodded and turned back to her diary and continued writing.
On the tenth day, Finn woke up. Mr. Nelson cried with happiness as he hugged Rae who let herself grin in relief. But she still didn't go back to his room. No matter how many times Chop and the gang told her he was asking for her. That he wanted to see her.
On the eleventh day, Rae watched Whitney being dragged out of the hospital after she wouldn't leave when Finn told her to fuck off back to Glasgow with Janine.
On the thirteenth day, Rae started talking to Kester again.
On the fourteenth day, Rae stood outside Finn's hospital door. Many a time in the past hour she'd walked to the door and then turned away. She waited until he was asleep and took a deep breath as she walked inside.
Nothing had prepared her for what she would see. She was told he was banged up but she didn't expect his head to be shaved with a bandage around it, the dark bruises and angry cuts on his body, or the white cast covered in inappropriate drawings courtesy of Chop. She put her hand over her mouth in attempt to muffle any sound, tears dropping from her eyes onto her shirt.
She slowly made her way to beside him, sitting down in one of the chairs. She hesitantly reached out and grabbed his right hand, the one not in the cast and held it. She watched his face for any reaction in case she needed to book it out of the room but nothing happened.
"I'm so sorry, Finn," she said. "I'm sorry I broke up with you and hurt you, I'm sorry you were in an accident, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to see you. I didn't tell you but my best friend Tixie died like a week after my mum's wedding and I couldn't handle losing you or even seeing you. It hurt too much. Which is a stupid excuse since you nearly fucking died because of me." Rae laughed humourlessly.
She sighed. "I'm not better. I'd tried to convince myself I was but I'm not. I thought you wouldn't want to be with me if I was still ill. I couldn't handle college, the stares and the whispers on the first day when we were together just made me… I was embarrassed for you. For you to be seen walking around with me, touching me. I didn't want you to have to go through with that."
She wiped her eyes with her empty hand. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Finn. I hope one day you could forgive me for being a twat. I'm just a fucking mess but I'm trying to get better. I'm want to love myself so that maybe one day I could understand why you did. I have a lot to work on and it's not going to be easy. But maybe one day."
Rae let go of his hand and quietly stood up from the chair. She reached out and gently ran the back of her fingers down his cheek. "Poor thing, losing your hair like that."
She sighed and leaned down to quickly peck his lips before walking out the door and out of his life. But something stopped her from moving. Two things, actually.
One: the hand holding her head down; two: the lips moving against hers.
She pulled away a moment later, biting her lip as the hand ran through her hair. She opened her eyes slowly to stare into Finn's and crinkled her brows together.
"The fuck is this? Sleeping-fucking-Beauty?" she asked.
"Aren't I pretty, Rae?" he grinned.
"So gorgeous, Finley, I can hardly keep my hands off of you," she rolled her eyes.
"Don't I know it," he winked causing Rae's stomach to flutter. "But I was awake the whole time."
"Fuck," Rae muttered to herself, looking away from Finn.
Finn's expression turned serious. "No, Rae. Not 'fuck.' I wish you had talked to me instead of breaking up with me."
"I'm sorry," Rae said helplessly.
"Stop saying sorry. Just stop and listen to me. I don't care what other people think about me being with you. They don't matter. I get that it's different for you but you should know that I'm bloody proud to have you as my girl," Finn said sweetly.
Rae blushed. "I'm not worth getting hurt for, Finn."
"You're worth everything," he disagreed. "But you don't have to take me back because you feel sorry for me."
"I'm taking you back because leaving you was a mistake."
Finn grinned and pulled her hand to his lips.
"So how are you doing?" Rae asked pathetically.
Finn let go of her hand and touched his head, frowning. "I have no hair." Rae giggled at him.
"What happened with your mum? I thought you missed her."
"I missed the mum I had when I was 5. This isn't her," Finn sighed. "It took me getting in a wreck and nearly dying for her to give a shit. No birthday or Christmas cards; nothing. But I have dad."
Rae smiled. "Go to sleep. I'm not going anywhere."
"Finn?" she murmured after a few moments.
"Hmm?" Rae turned away from the TV to see Finn's head to the side, his eyes locked on her.
"You're a dickhead," he said.
"I know," he grinned and closed his eyes.
There are many ways to say three certain words. This was theirs.