I pull up to the farmhouse and shut off the car engine, sighing heavily and sinking back into my seat. I'm not sure I can muster the strength to confront whatever is about to greet me inside that house.
It feels like I've been gone for days, but in reality it's only been a couple of hours. So much has happened in that short time: I went to my first ladies' night, admitted to a total stranger that I'm attracted to my best friend, and discovered that the mayor of Springfield is a closeted lesbian.
All in all, it's been an eventful night, even by my usual standards.
And the icing on the cake happened before I even set foot in that bar: just two hours ago, I watched helplessly as Frank proposed to Natalia.
As much I try to forget it, the scene is burned in my mind: Frank down on bended knee in the snow, looking up hopefully – if a little desperately – at Natalia, as he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him.
The worst part of it all is that I accidentally helped to make the proposal happen. Hell, I've practically coached clueless Frank through his entire courtship with Natalia.
When he had first arrived at the farmhouse, I'd gone inside to give them some privacy, but I had been unable to stop myself from watching from the window. I regretted the decision as soon as I saw Frank flash the ring. Even as my heart had instantly frozen in place, the masochistic part of me wouldn't let me turn away.
All at once, reality had sunk in: Frank and Natalia would get married, have children, and spend the rest of their lives together. And, slowly but surely, I would fade into the background of Natalia's life. Sure, we would always be friends, but I knew Natalia took marriage vows a lot more seriously than I did, and she would almost certainly focus all of her energy on her new family, the Coopers.
And, over time, the little family that she, Emma, and I had created in this farmhouse – a bond that had formed without us even realising it – would slowly drift apart.
But then, just as that thought hit me like a punch in the stomach, Natalia had glanced furtively in my direction, her gaze piercing through the glass of the window. When I saw the expression on her face, I felt as though my heart would burst out of my chest. In the instant our eyes met, I had a moment of clarity – accompanied by a strange mixture of elation and terror – and I knew I had to leave. I couldn't bear to stay and hear Frank tell me that Natalia had agreed to marry him. More than that, I couldn't stand to watch Natalia forcing her happiness when there were so many unspoken words hanging between us.
So, I had left.
And now I'm back.
I laugh humourlessly to myself as I realise I have no other place to go. It's not like I can move back to the Beacon tonight, not without raising suspicions about my reasons.
And you certainly don't want to do that, I mock myself, glaring darkly through the windshield. No, instead you'll do whatever it takes to keep up this charade with Natalia, no matter what it costs you.
I curse silently at my own cowardice. My whole life, I've never held back from taking what I want. Right or wrong, I've always done anything necessary to possess whatever or whoever I desire. And, I definitely desire Natalia – there's no doubt in my mind about that.
I smile sadly, remembering the way Natalia looked at me just a few hours earlier as we sat together on the bench outside the farmhouse. It's an expression that has crossed her face more and more in recent weeks, especially when she thinks I'm not paying attention. Without words, that look has told me that Natalia wants me just as much as I want her.
Not that that makes it any easier to figure out what's happening between us. Or what to do about it.
With a soft, frustrated groan, I force myself to get out of the car. I fiddle with my keys as I walk toward the house, my mind still turning over the events of the evening.
Suddenly, my attention is drawn to a figure standing on the porch, watching me. Natalia.
My steps falter as I try to force my mind to shift gears. No matter how I feel about what's happening between us, I know that Natalia needs a friend tonight, and I'm determined to be there for her.
I offer her a tentative smile as I step onto the porch. "Hi."
Her expression is unreadable, but then she quirks the side of her mouth in that way I love.
"Hi."
Her voice is soft, almost a whisper, and I wonder how it's possible for so much feeling to be wrapped up in one little word.
"Is Frank still here?" I don't know why I'm asking the question, since his car isn't in the driveway.
"No, he left already."
She still has that strange look on her face, like she wants to say something, but can't find the words.
Join the club, I think. I've been trying to find a way to tell her just how much she means to me for weeks. But the words never came, and now we're both stuck in this mess.
Natalia takes a deep breath as if to speak, but I interrupt, feeling a sudden urge to get the proposal out in the open once and for all.
"Did you know that, um…" I begin hesitantly. "Were you expecting that, or…?"
"Absolutely not," Natalia replies, surprising me with her emphatic tone. Apparently she's surprised herself too because her next words come out in a stammering torrent. "I told you, I, I, I said we shouldn't, I, you know, that we couldn't…" She trails off and shakes her head.
"I don't think he heard you," I smile sadly.
"Where did you go?" Natalia asks, the sudden change in subject catching me off guard. She tilts her head toward my car and looks at me searchingly.
I briefly consider confessing everything I've done tonight. Oh, you know, the usual. Went to a gay bar and told the bartender that I'm in love with you, and she told me to forget about you because you would only break my heart. And then Doris suddenly appeared, wearing a hat…
Instead, I hedge. "Errands… errands. I wanted to give you and Frank some time."
The look Natalia gives me then steals the air from my lungs. She seems so… lost.
The night sky throws a dusky glow across her face, and she leans against the post behind her. Right now I want nothing more than to make her forget about everything but the feeling of my lips against hers. Already I can feel my body beginning to lean toward her, a traitor to my better instincts.
But, with what I consider to be an admirable exercise in willpower, I remain rooted to the spot, my hands still buried deep in my pockets. Then I ask the question that's weighed on my mind ever since I saw Frank kneel down in the snow in front of her.
"So when's the big day?" I try to keep my tone light and happy – because I'm her friend and I'm supposed to be happy for her – but I can hear the sorrow in my voice, and I'm certain she hears it too.
The last thing I expect is her matter-of-fact response.
"I couldn't give him an answer."
She couldn't give him an answer? That means she didn't say yes. It means… well, it means a lot of things, foremost among them that she isn't going to be Mrs. Frank Cooper. Not today, at least.
I briefly consider dropping the conversation there and going inside, but there is one question I have to ask before I lose my courage.
"Why not?" My voice is barely a whisper in the air.
Natalia continues to look at me with that unflinching gaze. I feel utterly exposed by it, as if she can read every thought going through my mind. It's more than a little unnerving, and my eyes drift down uneasily to concentrate on the wooden boards at our feet. She seems unsure how to answer my question, so she just shrugs noncommittally.
"I just couldn't."
It's not the answer she wanted to give or the one I wanted to hear, but it is enough to cause an almost palpable shift in the air between us. I can feel her willing my eyes to meet hers again, and eventually I oblige. We search each other's face for some sign, some indication that we both want the same thing.
Almost without realising what I'm doing, I finally surrender to my desire to draw a little nearer to her, and I'm amazed by how quickly my proximity affects her. Almost immediately, I can see her breath becoming shorter and shallower. She's trying to hide her reaction, but the short puffs of air from her mouth are made visible by the coldness of the winter night. Her eyes darken, and at that moment nothing else matters but the two of us standing on this porch in front of this home that we've made together. If I reached out right now I could touch her, and the desire to do just that is overwhelming.
The silence thickens between us, and I feel as though I could capture in my hands all the unspoken words, all the meaningful glances, all the withheld needs hovering like spectres in the space that separates us. This tension is strangely familiar to me – it reminds me of all of our awkward pauses over the last few weeks, each of which has begged to be filled with something, some declaration, some word, some acknowledgment of the feelings that have drawn us together and kept us apart for so long.
I take another step forward, and I see Natalia inhale slowly, deeply, as though the air she draws into her lungs will bring me nearer, too. And, it works. Like a spell, a voiceless incantation, she pulls me helplessly toward her. It's terrifying and strangely comforting all at once. I can't imagine ever wanting to be anywhere else.
There are only a few inches separating us, but Natalia's back is still pressed against the post, her head tilted to one side. She's watching me, wondering what I'm about to do.
That makes two of us.
The air between us is heavy with anticipation, and the only sound is Natalia's soft sigh, then a hitch of breath that sounds louder than it should against the hush of the night. I catch myself trying to interpret the meaning of the sound, the way I've done so many times before. But what she does next quiets all of my uncertainties about what she wants. Her gaze, which until now has been focused on my own, suddenly shifts down to my lips. I watch – captivated and utterly helpless – as she very deliberately, very slowly, draws her bottom lip into her mouth.
A rush of air escapes my own lips as I watch her; I didn't even realise I've been holding my breath. Suddenly I want to know exactly what that lip tastes like. Without giving myself time to second-guess what I'm about to do, I take a final step forward and raise my hands tentatively to her hips, pressing our bodies together. Our eyes meet again, and in that moment we both know we can no longer deny what's happening between us.
"Olivia…," Natalia whispers, drawing out each syllable with exquisite deliberation. I've heard her say my name countless times before, but never like this. I don't wait for more; I lift one hand from her hips and tangle it in her hair as I pull her toward me.
My initial intent is to eagerly claim her mouth for myself, but as soon as our lips touch we both instantly brace with the shock of the sensation. For a split second we are perfectly still, both revelling in the sudden reality of the kiss. Then I feel one of Natalia's hands slip to the back of my neck to pull me more firmly against her, while her other hand moves up to take off my hat and throw it unceremoniously behind me. Her lips begin a tentative journey against my own and she leans back against the post behind her, bringing me with her so that our bodies are moulded together, with only the barrier of our jackets between us. Her mouth feels warm and inviting against the crisp night air, and I'm filled with the desire for more. I hear her moan quietly as I finally claim her lower lip, drawing it into my mouth and taking satisfaction in the sharp gasp that escapes her when I bite down softly, teasingly.
Vaguely, I realise that Natalia's hands have moved away from my neck and are busy pulling at the front of my coat. Soon she has unclasped all the buttons and I feel her fingers slide around my waist, drawing me closer. I'm suddenly aware of the thickness of her own jacket, and I eagerly tug her zipper loose and press the full length of my body against her.
Our open coats form a kind of cocoon around us, protecting us against the coldness of the winter night. Not that we need any help generating warmth – every part of me feels like it's on fire, and Natalia's hands are only spreading the flames as they explore new terrain. I feel her fingers begin to trace a pattern from my neck downward, pausing tantalisingly between my breasts before sliding over my stomach. As soon as she reaches the bottom of my shirt, she slips her hand underneath and retraces her journey upward. My breath comes shorter as soon as I feel her palm against my naked skin, and I tear my lips away to drink in some much-needed air.
"Oh god," I gasp helplessly when I feel her fingers begin to travel languorously over the lace of my bra.
"No cursing," she teases. Her face is full of wonder and more than a little satisfaction as she watches me react to her touch.
"I was praying," I counter when I can find my voice again.
"Oh," she laughs quietly. "Okay then."
But soon, I can't stop a shiver – partly from sheer pleasure, and partly from the cold air that has managed to find its way under our jackets – from travelling up my back, and I groan in protest when Natalia removes her hand from under my shirt.
"Let's go inside," she suggests with a shy smile.
But as soon as she takes my hand and starts to coax me toward the door, all my old fears begin to demand my attention once again. What if this turns out to be a mistake? What will happen to our friendship? Even if it works out, how will we explain all of this to the town? To Emma? To Rafe?
Rooted to the spot, I pull Natalia's hand to turn her back around to face me.
"Wait," I say, my voice still thick with longing. I clear my throat in an attempt to regain some semblance of control over it. All I know is I have to make sure this is right – for both of us – before we do anything we might regret.
"What is it?" Natalia asks, her own voice soft yet sure.
Seeing the certainty so clearly written on her face, I'm suddenly unable to put my anxieties into words. Why am I so afraid? I wonder.
Because you're happy, I answer myself. Because this is as close to absolute, perfect happiness as you've ever been in your entire life.
I search Natalia's eyes for a moment, looking for any sign of doubt. There is none. Still, I have to ask the question, just to make sure she really wants this as much as I do.
"What are we doing?"
Natalia gazes at me thoughtfully before she breaks into a wide smile.
"We're being together," she says, tightening her grip on my hand.
I return her smile, my eyes bright with unshed tears. With those three words, Natalia has erased all my fears. She has made me whole.
This time, when she tugs on my hand, I follow.
The End