Title: Sugar Rush Bonnie
Author: Pandie Katteken
E-mail:
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Vampire Diaries
Disclaimers: All Vampire Diaries characters belong to L.J. Smith. The Chief and Dr Tofu belong to Pandie's loopy mind
Summary: Why is Bonnie prancing around in a leotard? Who is Dr Tofu? And why is he forcing the world to eat carob??
"Bonnie, you really are going to have to stop this nonsense."
Bonnie McCullough looked bewilderedly at her tall dark haired friend, not taking in anything Meredith was saying. In her hands was a mug of hot steamy coffee. For about the billionth time that year she had slept in and missed her first lecture of the day; Human Psychology. No one knew why Bonnie had enrolled for that class in the first place. What they did know was that she kept missing it.
"All this talk of 'wanting to look beautiful in your coffin,'" Meredith went on, "and now trying to make up ways that Elena can come back and live in Fell's Church. Elena pretending to be her own long lost twin sister? No one's going to buy that, Bon." "Now," Meredith said calmly, finally finished with her lecture, "drink up your coffee and come have an almost decent and sensible chat with the rest of the gang."
'No one understands.' Bonnie thought moodily to herself as she drank her coffee, 'They all think I'm just silly ditzy old Bonnie. Boy, this coffee is sweet!' How long would she have to keep up this façade? Little did the others realise that silly ditzy old Bonnie was really Super Bon: Defender of Chocolate and Justice.
Suddenly her secret communicator watch began beeping. Putting down her, now almost empty, mug of coffee, Bonnie leapt to her feet and ran to her room. Pressing a hidden button in the back of her wardrobe, she pulled out her uniform. Faster than a rocket propelled cheetah, the small red head had put on her black "SB" leotard and black eye mask; donned her pink hooded cape; equipped her pink utility belt; and slipped on her pink knee high boots. All she needed now was her Pink Glittery Staff of Magic Power. Where was it? Bonnie's foot kicked against something lying on the floor. Ah hah, found it.
Ready and set for action, Bonnie pressed the button on her communicator watch. "Super Bon, here" she spoke in a low voice so that the others wouldn't hear her, "What's the dealio?"
The Chief's slightly panicked but stern voice crackled over the speaker of the watch. "Dr Tofu has struck again!" the Chief answered Super Bon in an urgent voice, "He has kidnapped all the chocolate in the world and is about to through it all into a huge volcano, so he can replace it all with carob."
"The fiend!" Super Bon mutter quickly and angrily under her breath, "If he gets rid of the entire world's chocolate, it could cause catastrophe. Most of the world's population is made up of chocoholics and most of that number includes women and leaders from every country and nation on Planet Earth. No true chocoholic is going to accept vile disgusting carob as replacement for true chocolaty goodness. They'd go insane without real chocolate. This could cause World War Three."
"That is why you must stop him, Super Bon."
"Consider it done."
With that said, Super Bon saluted (although the Chief couldn't actually see her) and went to leap out the window. Unfortunately it wouldn't budge. 'Open, you stupid piece of architectural annoyance!' Super Bon thought angrily as she tried to force the window open, 'Open! Open! Open!' It still wouldn't open.
Sighing with annoyance, but not with defeat, Super Bon decided to use the next best way out of the house: up the ladder to the loft, out through the loft window, across the roof, and shimmy down the drain pipe. It would be a perilous exit from the place she resided in as her alter ego Bonnie McCullough, but Super Bon didn't know the meaning of danger. Well, actually, she did know the meaning of danger, but she just chose to ignore it anyway.
Moments later, Super Bon was running at light speed and setting off into orbit; a graze on her right knee, a rip in one of her leotard sleeves, and one broken boot heel. Only one thing was on the super heroine's mind: stop Dr Tofu's diabolical plan before it was too late.
Inside a secret base on Mount Hiroshima Dr Tofu rubbed his hands together with evil glee. "Soon I shall get rid of all the world's chocolate," he said to himself in an evilly satisfied voice, "and replace it all with carob. Once the world's leaders are deprived of their precious chocolate, the whole world will mine! MINE! Mwahahahahahahaha!!"
"Not if I have anything to do with it!"
"Damn! Super Bon! How did you know my secret base was on Mount Hiroshima?"
Super Bon smiled calmly. "Oh that was easy." she said nonchalantly, "I just followed the signs that said 'This way to Dr Tofu's Secret Base on Mount Hiroshima'"
"Damn!" Dr Tofu swore again, "I told my henchmen to write those signs in secret code." He paused and looked at Super Bon slightly puzzled, "Why isn't your costume ruined?"
"Don't you know?" Super Bon said, sighing with exasperation, "All super heroes have 'super costume mending power'. I used it before I got here." "So, Dr Tofu," Super Bon said calmly, "are you going to stop your diabolical plan, or do I have to kick your ass and make you stop?"
"You'll never stop me from taking over the world, Super Bon! NEVER!"
"I thought as much"
BIFF!
BAM!
POW!
WHAM!
ZOWWY!
WHACK!
The two enemies paused and looked at each other. "Do you think we should just fight normally," Super Bon asked thoughtfully, "instead of using these sound effects?"
"Hmmm, it would be better to defeat you myself, rather than let the sound effects team get all the glory" Dr Tofu said thoughtfully as well, "Okay, it's a deal. No sound effects. We fight properly." "And this time," he added quietly, "I will kill you, Super Bon!"
"You heard him guys" Super Bon called to a team of people hovering in the background, "No sound effects. Go on, scram. Go home. You're not needed here anymore." Grumpily a group of men and women carrying laptops, barrels, drums, cymbals, and other things to make sound effects, trudged away out of sight.
"Good, now we can fight properly" Dr Tofu said with evil menace, "Where were we anyway?"
"Round about the part where you wanted to kill me"
"Damn! How did you know what I was thinking??"
"You really need to learn not to think out loud, Dr Tofu"
"Damn!"
"So are we going to fight, or are you just going to stand there and swear like Enimem?"
"Grrr!!" Dr Tofu ran at Super Bon, brandishing a big spiked metal pole in the air, "Never compare me to that blonde rapper!"
Super Bon calmly dodged the pole and tripped the evil genius up by sticking her right leg out in front of him. As Dr Tofu fell flat on his face, the spiked pole skittering away from him, Super Bon whipped out her Pink Glittery Staff of Magic Power and uttered the magic incantation "Pink Glitter Magic Power!"
Suddenly everything, except for the chocolate (which was still all its unwrapped wrappers), was covered in magical pink glitter, rendering it useless. Mountains of carob were set alight, thanks to a mix of pink glitter chemicals and heat from the volcano. Dr Tofu screeched as he watched his diabolic plan go up in flames. Even when the world's police came to take him away, he still screeched. "Curse you, Super Bon!" he screeched as the police officers handcuffed him and began to drag him away, "I will get free! And next there'll be nothing you can do to stop me! NOTHING! Mwahahahahah..." Thankfully, a thump on the head with a police baton silenced the evil genius' laughter.
"Thanks Chief" Super Bon said gratefully, as the Chief whirled a police baton about the place, "I thought he'd never shut up."
The Chief paused and looked at Dr Tofu's unconscious body lying on the ground, "Oh, so that's what I hit." "Thank you so much for saving the world again, Super Bon." the Chief went on, "Planet Earth is forever grateful to you."
"It was no problem" Super Bon said, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly, "All in a day's work for... Super Bon: Defender of Chocolate and Justice!" And with, Super Bon flew off at light speed back to the residence of her alter ego Bonnie McCullough.
As she reached the house, she formulated a plan in her mind, to stop her friends finding out her secret identity. Landing outside the front door, Super Bon opened it and walked inside. "Do not worry citizens" she said as she passed seven bewildered faces in the living room, "It is just I Super Bon come to visit my dear friend Bonnie McCullough. Please, continue with your talking."
Meredith watched bewildered as Bonnie pranced back off to her room, dressed only in her black workout leotard and pink dressy boots, and a pink hooded dressing gown held around her neck with a safety pin; a pink toy glitter wand in her hand. "Okay," she said, turning to look at the others in the room as loud snoring began to be heard from the vicinity of Bonnie's room, "who put the extra sugar in Bonnie's coffee?" Six hands were raised. Meredith frowned at the five guilty faces. Then she turned to Damon whose hand was also raised and looked at him questioningly.
"What can I say?" the short dark haired vampire said with his charming Italian lilt, shrugging his shoulders and smiling wryly as he spoke, "Sugar Rush Bonnie is highly amusing."
Fin.