Disclaimer: The characters are the property of CLAMP. No copyright infringement is intended, no money is being made.
Summary: Sometimes death isn't the end of everything.
Spoilers: the manga and the end of the anime
Warnings: It is Subaru x Seishirou x Hokuto, so if you don't like the pairing, don't read it.
A Sort of Fairytale
by Kadira
I.
When the guns point at him, Subaru can't help but think that this isn't exactly an appropriate ending.
Neither for the Sakurazukamori, nor for a Sumeragi.
A vengeful ghost or a backfiring spell. A curse. Maybe even an act born out of revenge for the work he did as the Sakurazukamori. Each of these and countless other options would have been more fitting and Subaru would have been the last person to say that he doesn't deserve it. On the contrary – after all the blood he has spilled during the last five years, it would have been a most appropriate way to end his existence. But this, just when he was going to help someone again for a change, is not what he has envisioned. Coming into the middle of a gang war certainly hasn't been one of his plans for the evening.
Yet, maybe it is also very fitting.
After all, he is no Sumeragi anymore and not the true Sakurazukamori either. So maybe he doesn't deserve a more appropriate death, which would fit either of his lives. Maybe this is the only way to go for him. After all, seeing that he isn't the true Sakurazukamori, why should the rules apply to him? Like the one that he can only die at the hands of a person he loves? And maybe such an end is preferable before eternity, because Subaru knows that he will never love again, certainly not enough to find death.
"Mister, are you all right?"
At least the small boy is still alive, Subaru thinks. His nod is almost invisible. "Just stay there, so that they won't see you," he whispers to the boy who is hidden behind the corner, voice too low for anyone but the boy to hear, especially over the firing shot. Subaru smiles, even as the bullet approaches him and impacts with his body.
He can feel the skin tearing apart, making way for the metallic force, can feel it entering his body. He isn't a doctor, but he is pretty sure that this is a place where a bullet just shouldn't hit. Too close to the heart. Maybe even worse. Yet he keeps standing for a moment longer, even manages to smile at the group of yakuza. Then, ignoring the searing pain the movement causes him, Subaru pulls out his cards.
The group looks at him curiously, maybe amazed that he is still standing. He almost feels pity for them and their blatant ignorance, which doesn't let them realize that he isn't the only one going to die here today, nor know just whom they have chosen as their enemy.
He smiles as the bird materializes on his shoulder. "Go, get them," he tells it. Silently, the shikigami takes off, towards the group of men.
Their screams are the last thing Subaru hears before the darkness that lurked at the edges of his consciousness, barely held in check by his willpower before, moves in and claims victory over him.
"A bullet right below the heart," he hears from somewhere far away. "Call the hospital and tell them we are bringing him in. They should prepare everything. He needs to be treated ASAP."
Subaru feels himself being lifted from the cold ground and then being carried away. The movement hurts, but he can't bring himself to even open his eyes, much less say something. He can only feel: pain, anger, and a strange sensation of growing acceptance.
And death. The last seems to be all around him, drowning the place with its power, bathing in the blood on the ground and on the walls.
A job well done.
He would smile at that thought if he could convince his body to cooperate with his mind.
- but it isn't done yet, he knows. The yakuza were only part of the meal. Death is waiting for something else, for something more.
"They are all dead, torn apart. I wonder who could have done something like that."
"Certainly not him. He's more dead than alive."
"The boy said something about a light he saw..."
- Subaru can feel death lurking, just waiting for the right moment to strike.
He relaxes.
Death and he have a special bond. While before Subaru might have been driven by it - first to get his revenge by killing the one who destroyed his life, later to be killed by him - he had first come to appreciate it when he had become the Sakurazukamori.
Death is nothing to be afraid of. Certainly not for him.
Not that he has a reason to be afraid. Everything that will wait for him is just what he deserves. Nothing less.
As darkness closes in, he thinks that he hears a very familiar voice from beside him, accompanied by a flurry of colors. "Oh, Subaru, you idiot!"
"Hokuto?" The voice speaking sounds strange, too rough, too shaken, even if he knows that it is his own.
A glare of light blinds him.
"Stay with us. We are almost at the hospital, everything will be all right." One of the men who helped him outside. Of course. It wouldn't be her. Never again. And with the last years he has lost every chance of ever seeing her again. His death and the blood on his hands would make sure about that. "Can you tell me your name, sir?"
Subaru tries to turn his head, to where the voice he couldn't really have heard had come from. "Hokuto," he whispers once more, throat dry.
There is no answer. Of course not. Hokuto is dead and has been for a very long time already. What he has seen - has believed to have seen - and heard, has been no more than the illusion of a dying man.
"It's a wonder that he is still alive," he hears a more muted voice, probably from the driver. Almost relieved, Subaru drifts off into darkness once more.
II.
When he opens his eyes there is sunlight, warm and comforting, and he can see the bright blue sky above him, almost the same color as on a postcard.
From very far away, he can make out an insisting murmur and Subaru thinks that it might be directed at him, but it is too low for him to understand and he is too distracted to pay more attention to it.
He can see the Sakura trees around him, almost as if they are shielding him.
Strange. Surreal.
Carefully, Subaru sits up and looks around, confused. It feels as if something is missing, out of place.
"Finally!" He suddenly hears a voice from behind him. It's cheerful and happy and carefree. And it is a voice he has never thought of ever hearing again. "I should have thought about this place. You have always loved it. No wonder that you arrived here. Do you remember when grandmother took us here and then almost got a heart attack when you fell off the swing?"
Subaru doesn't turn around right away, but first comes to his feet. A detached part of his mind notes that he is pain-free, which can't be, because he remembers the bullet and the burning pain in his chest and the darkness – if nothing else. He shuts off that part of his mind, which isn't too difficult, seeing the rest of his rather peculiar situation, mostly that he is hearing a voice - again, which he shouldn't be able to hear.
Very slowly he turns around and looks at the other person. His heart skips a beat and he can feel his throat constricting.
Hokuto looks the same. Almost. She seems a bit older, but still wears the same clothes, which would look utterly ridiculous on anyone else, but fit her perfectly. This time pink butterfly wings complete her outfit.
Finally he whispers, afraid that the illusion would fade and vanish forever if he scared it away by speaking too loudly: "Hokuto."
"In the flesh. Or something like that," she says, and her eyes are gleaming mischievously.
Subaru feels a pang of pain when he looks at her, still not entirely believing that she is really here, with him, that he is here, with her. "What...?"
"What kind of greeting is that, Subaru Sumeragi? We haven't seen each other for so long and all you can say is that?" she says, a very well-known dramatic nuance to her voice.
Subaru shakes his head, tries to make sense out of the situation. "I'm sorry. But, what is happening? Why are you here? It can't be real..."
Hokuto pouts. "I like to think that I'm very much real. As for the rest... " She stops, her expression darkening. "What do you remember?"
It is almost as if these words open some kind of gate. Him on the way home, passing a small street, the gang of yakuza standing around a body, then the boy, coming out of nowhere.
"Little boys should be in bed by now. It's very unfortunate for you that you aren't."
The boy crying and Subaru, driven by something, jumping into the middle, between the boy and the men, shielding the boy, then pushing him around the corner, out of the line of fire.
He also remembers that the yakuza were less than pleased with his interference and the guns that were suddenly directed at him. He remembers the voices, and the shot and then the pain, remembers releasing his shikigami, the screams and the wailing sirens, and... Hokuto.
"You were there. In the ambulance."
"Of course."
"Then... I died," he finally says and it isn't a question. He knows it now. It's the only explanation that somehow makes sense. But even so, the situation not only seems unreal, but also undeserved. Even if he has died, he shouldn't be here. He should suffer somewhere for the sins he committed, for the easiness with which he took life after life during the last years, because of a weakness he could never erase.
For a moment, Hokuto looks uncomfortable. Then she says: "If not dead, then you are very close to it. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. I'm sorry, Subaru."
Subaru shakes his head, still trying to make sense out of the situation. "I shouldn't be here. It's impossible. I should be—"
But then Hokuto interrupts him with one of her special laughs, taking away some of the strain of the moment. "Everything is just the way it should be, Subaru. Just as it should always have been," she says simply and her smile causes Subaru's throat to tighten, making breathing difficult.
In a flash, she is in front of Subaru, throwing her arms around him. For a moment Subaru hesitates, but then he returns the embrace. At first carefully, then, when Hokuto remains very solid -- just as she should always have been -- more forcefully, until he clings to her as if she would be his personal anchor, the only thing real in his life. Hokuto not only allows it, but returns the embrace just as forcefully. Then she releases him, steps out of the circle of his arms. Before Subaru can feel entirely lost, she takes his hand.
"Everything will be all right now," she says and Subaru wants to believe her. "I'm your big sister, after all, and I will take care of you. But now come. There is someone else who has been waiting for you. I had to threaten him, just so that I could be the first to see you."
"Who?"
It couldn't be, could it? Certainly not. Maybe Subaru didn't die after all and just ended up in some strange parallel universe? Or maybe he was caught in a dream. Because the afterlife couldn't just give him what he always wanted, certainly not after everything that happened and Subaru has done.
Hokuto doesn't bother with an answer, just gives him one of her "do I really have to tell you that?" looks and pulls him forward. Subaru follows her, but when they have left the garden behind them and enter a wide, somehow familiar street and he can see the house, his steps falter.
Everything is just as he remembers it, down to the familiar sign at the door.
He is afraid. Not of him, Subaru is pretty sure about that. He had stopped being afraid of him a very long time ago already (if he ever was really afraid of him to start with). It is rather because of the situation, which is not only strange, but absolutely surreal, like a very vivid dream from which he will certainly wake up as soon as he opens the door, because that is what always happens in dreams. Or maybe this strange, but still pleasant dream will turn into a nightmare once he steps through the door. A nightmare at the end of which he will lose everything again.
For a moment, Subaru has to fight against the temptation to just turn around and to run away. But then he looks at Hokuto, reallylooks at her, takes in the excitement that brightens her eyes and her smile, and he knows that he can't do it. He can't just leave; he has to play this strange game until the end, no matter what the outcome will be, despite the risk that he will lose everything once more. He is selfish that way, has become like that at some point. He has realized it already some time ago, but has never thought about it further. It is much easier that way.
Subaru hasn't even time to shake his head when Hokuto pushes open the door and pulls him into the corridor. Much to Subaru's amazement, nothing happens. There is no loud noise or bright light, which would end the dream or the illusion. Instead it's the same corridor he has crossed countless times in the past, including the pictures at the wall and the dark green carpet
"Sei-chan?" Hokuto calls, causing Subaru to startle. "Don't make my brother wait!" she says, then continues to walk straight up, not in direction of the practice, but through the door to the right, which leads to Seishirou's flat, pulling Subaru after her.
Once they are in the living room, she stops so suddenly that Subaru almost runs into her.
"Hokuto-chan, Subaru-kun!"
The part of Subaru that can still think clearly (and he is amazed that he can do it at all), notices that his own name doesn't sound quite so confident, even if the bright smile hasn't faltered one bit. But while he is sure about it, he doesn't think that anyone else would have noticed it, probably not even Hokuto.
He looks exactly like then, on the bridge, another part of him provides him with the next line of thought, which isn't helpful at all. It's the same lean form and the same smirk. Almost. There are two eyes looking at him now, one gold and one green, the same mix Subaru sees whenever he looks into the mirror, a constant reminder of what happened.
"Subaru-kun," Seishirou repeats, his smile not quite so bright anymore. Strangely enough, Subaru feels relief at that. For him it is proof that he hasn't ended up in some strange world, isn't caught in some bizarre illusion and that the time hasn't just turned back. Everything has indeed happened, no matter how nightmarish it was.
And for once, Subaru is glad about it. It makes him feel almost calm. He would have worried much more if Seishirou had acted as if nothing had happened, if he had treated Subaru like in the past, when he still pretended to be the friendly veterinarian, playing some game Subaru didn't even know existed.
For the flash of a moment, Subaru closes his eyes, tries to collect himself, to calm his nerves. It doesn't work, so his voice sounds choked and faint when he finally remembers again how to form words. "Seishirou."
The other's smile brightens again, but Seishirou doesn't move, doesn't even seem to breathe, the eyes and the smile the only indication that he is indeed alive. Subaru doesn't move either, just keeps his eyes fixed on the beloved-hated form of the other man.
"Where are we?" he finally asks, not Seishirou, but Hokuto, once he thinks that he just maybe can trust his voice again. The question serves much more to fill the awkward silence than anything else, but it allows him to finally tear his eyes away from the Sakurazukamori. The former Sakurazukamori. No, the dead Sakurazukamori, killed by Subaru's own hands, even if he never planned it that way and even if it hasn't been his own choice. If it had been on him, Subaru would have died that day instead of what happened.
Seeing Hokuto and Seishirou here, the two people he loved the most and whose loss has hurt him most, for whose deaths Subaru is responsible, is too much. Subaru is coming undone, feels himself slipping away, fading, moving towards the faint voices he suddenly hears and which are calling him, towards the light.
Such a small step and he would be back in the hospital, in the world he knows, where dead people don't just walk around again.
Yet at the same time he fights against it, doesn't want to go.
"Damn! We are losing him!"
"No, not yet. He's still here!"
Pain racks through his body.
Hot.
Scorching.
Spreading from his chest through his entire body, as if someone has set him on fire. Subaru gasps and falls to his knees under the unexpected onslaught.
"Subaru!" Hokuto yells. The worry in her voice makes Subaru wish that he wasn't quite so breathless, so that he could reassure her, tell her that he is all right, that there is nothing to worry. But the darkness comes closer, threatens to swallow him.
"I get a reaction! Give me another shot! Come on, stay with us. Don't die on me."
"Subaru!"
Then arms around him, embracing him, holding him, anchoring him. Not Hokuto, but -
Even without looking, Subaru would have recognized the embrace anywhere.It's in the firmness of the arms around him, the scent as he is pressed against the other's body, the closeness. "Subaru, you can try to go back, it might even work, but listen to me before you make your choice," he hears, and then there are lips on his ear, breath warm and caressing, familiar, even after all those years. And then the words, the ones he has heard first when his world had come crashing down, on the bridge, when he was denied his real wish and had been damned to live on with the pain and the horror, both intent on consuming him, and with the loneliness, the knowledge that he has not only killed Seishirou, but, many years ago, has condemned his own sister as well.
But when he hears the words, he knows that he doesn't have a choice anymore. Maybe he never had, not even now, when he is caught between living and dying.
Still, Subaru chooses.
He might not die by the hands of a loved one, which would have been impossible anyway, but in the end he decides to keep dying and to stay dead for those he loves. And maybe, he thinks before darkness closes in once more, it makes it right again, makes him the real Sakurazukamori after all. Or just makes him something again.
III.
"What do you think you are doing?" Hokuto's voice is the first thing Subaru hears when he opens his eyes again. Her voice is trembling. With worry, Subaru realizes almost immediately and he feels guilty. He never wanted to worry her. Not in the past, and not now. He looks around and discovers that he is lying on a bed he still recognizes only too well. "Do you want to die once more? Wasn't getting yourself killed the first time enough?"
"And in such a way. You are the Sakurazukamori and you have the power of the Sumeragi, so how can you just be killed?" Seishirou reprimands him. Unlike Hokuto, he sounds calm, even smiles that gentle smile that has fooled Subaru for so long, so completely. But this time it feels different, honest. Subaru can't say how he knows it, he just does. This isn't just the mask of the friendly veterinarian with his dark secret that would eventually destroy them all, but Seishirou with all his facets, 100 him. This is Seishirou Sakurazuka the friendly veterinary, as well as the Sakurazukamori and the Dragon of Earth. All in one.
Sitting up is surprisingly easy; at least once he manages to disentangle himself from his sister's body. He wraps his arms around Hokuto, then looks at Seishirou, who stands in the doorframe of his own bedroom, arms lightly crossed over his chest.
"I am the Sakurazukamori. When I fulfilled your wish, I forfeited my claim on anything that was even remotely connected to Sumeragi," Subaru simply explains, voice even, without heat or anger. If anything at all, there is only a hint of resignation. After all, it had been Subaru's own choice, with all the consequences that came with it. "Obviously you can't have both. Not in our case. Our clans are like fire and water. One has to destroy the other eventually."
For a moment the awkward silence is back when Subaru and Seishirou just look at each other, unable or maybe just unwilling to break the contact. Something is happening here, yet Subaru can't say what it is, not even if it is good or bad, if it means more destruction or the birth of something new. It is just there, binding them together even further.
"Bah! Men!" Hokuto finally breaks the spell and jumps to her feet, startling them both. Subaru is almost grateful for the distraction. No, he is grateful. Just to hear her voice again and to see the sparkle in her green eyes, which, at one point a lifetime ago, were a mirror of his own. "You are both such idiots, and you don't even realize it! Trying to kill each other and then annihilating both of our clans in the process. Very smoothly done, boys. It takes some special kind of talent to manage something like that," she says, glaring at both of them in the special Hokuto-way, which doesn't allow for any kind of protest. "And now that we are here, finally, you just continue. Didn't you have enough of that? Would you like to try killing each other some more? Or how about something to drink, Sei-chan? You are clearly lacking in your hospitality. You never did that before and being dead is no excuse to start now. And something to eat would be nice as well. Just because we are dead, doesn't mean that we have to starve!"
There is another moment of silence. "Good idea," Seishirou finally says and turns around.
Once he is gone, Hokuto slumps back onto the bed. "I love you both, but sometimes you do behave like children."
Subaru resists the urge to apologize and instead says: "I'm really dead." It is not a question, just a statement.
"Of course, you are. You decided to stay here with us. But you could always try getting back into your body. It could still be possible," Hokuto says, not looking at him.
Subaru shakes his head. "It isn't an option. I just don't understand why I'm here. I shouldn't be here."
Hokuto's eyes narrow slightly when their gazes meet. "And why not?"
"Because I killed people. I am the Sakurazukamori, Hokuto. I decided to be it, even though I knew what it meant."
"Well, then Seishirou shouldn't be here either, should he?" Hokuto says and shrugs. "But we are. So it is where we belong. Our ideal afterlife, so to say. And it isn't nearly as bad as it could be, is it?" she asks, daring him with her eyes to protest.
Subaru laughs. From the kitchen he can hear noise, running water, the rattling of porcelain. Subaru can almost see Seishirou working there, maybe even wearing an apron, like in the past. It feels like home, as if it would be right. Almost as if the future never happened. It doesn't really surprise him. Being here has always felt like home, one of the few places where Subaru could really relax and be himself.
"I suppose you are right," he finally says. "But it feels strange. I wanted for him to kill me and in the end, I killed him." It should at the very least be a bit awkward, no matter how easily Hokuto takes it.
"I know. But what should I say? He did kill me. But I'm still here and we both have been here since your last encounter. It has been fun. The question is just if you can forgive."
"I have forgiven him long ago already," Subaru says, looking apologetic.
"Not him. I know that. I'm your sister, remember? And don't give me that look. I'm not angry. The real question is if you can forgive yourself."
"You have no idea what I did," Subaru whispers and closes his eyes, tries to keep the tears inside.
"It doesn't matter, Subaru. Not anymore."
"I'm sorry." Hokuto hits him over the head. Not hard, but Subaru is so startled that he yelps. "Hokuto!"
"Stop that! If anyone has to be sorry, than it is me. I promised to take care of you, but I failed. I tried to protect you, to make you happy. But in the end, I only made it worse," she says and this time it is her voice that trembles ever so slightly. When she locks eyes with Subaru, her bright green gaze is shadowed.
"Don't," Subaru says softly and pulls her close. "You couldn't know what would happen. None of us could. He fooled us all." There's a rueful, far-away smile on his lips. "I'm the one you should be angry with. Even after what he did to you, even after everything else, I couldn't let go of him..."
"You men can be such idiots," she says, but there is a smile playing around her lips. It makes Subaru's heart flutter. "I know that. I wanted for him to be your special one. Even after he killed me. I knew all that, Subaru. I'm not angry. But really, my two favorite men doing something that stupid! But everything will be all right. After all, I'm here now, to ensure that you two won't be able to mess it up again. Isn't that right, Subaru? Seishirou?" she asks, a challenge in her eyes.
"We probably should agree with her, Subaru-kun," Seishirou says, smiling that smile again, which, after their shared past, is still a bit disconcerting. "You know how your dear sister is. If we don't agree, we will never hear the end of it. So, I agree, Hokuto-chan."
Subaru wonders just how long Seishirou has been standing there already, listening to them. He smiles a bit wistfully, but nods. "Yes, we probably should."
"That's just what I wanted to hear! And of course you should agree! I know what is good for you!" Hokuto says and kisses Subaru's head before jumping out of the bed. "Is that cake I smell there?"
"You know that it is. We made it this morning," Seishirou says and Subaru can't help but wonder just how long they have been doing this here already and how they have made it work after everything that happened.
"That's right. And you remember that we are a good team in the kitchen, right, Subaru? So you know that you can expect only the most delicious things from us." She doesn't wait for Subaru to answer, but walks right to Seishirou and embraces him. It's a strange sight, yet also very familiar, like a scene from the past. Subaru can't help but feel a pang of discomfort, maybe also some envy. A part of him wishes that they could just return to the past and forget about everything that happened, or that he could be just as unconcerned as Hokuto in the matter, that he wouldn't be held prisoner by the past and his own wariness. But there are other emotions as well, a yearning for more, for a closeness he isn't quite ready yet to admit.
He doesn't think that it is just him either.
Despite Seishirou's earlier words, despite Subaru's decision to stay here, despite what he told Hokuto, they are both keeping a distance from each other, physically as well as emotionally. Carefully, as if they are not sure what would happen if they would cross the invisible barrier that stands between them and keeps them apart. Subaru thinks that maybe this world would explode if they would just as much as brush against each other.
After a moment, Seishirou returns the gesture and embraces Hokuto as well, his eyes still locked with Subaru's equally mismatched gaze.
IV.
"What else is out there?" Subaru asks Hokuto later, once they are alone again. He can hear Seishirou in the kitchen, rummaging. He is grateful for the break. The tea had been as awkward as the rest of the situation, complete with forced conversations about the past. Not the more recent past, but the past-past, when they all were alive and together and Subaru could never have imagined the drama that lay ahead of them.
Hokuto lays her head on his shoulder. "Of course not. There's a whole lot more. I haven't been everywhere, but it is easily as big Tokyo. Around us, it tends to change sometimes. I think it reacts to our wishes and feelings, gives us what we want and need."
"And what about other people? Ghosts?"
"They are here as well, of course. We are not the only ones who died," Hokuto explains, and he can hear her smile.
Subaru wonders if all dead people are here and if there is a way to find them. Maybe Kamui would be here as well. Kamui and his sister. Maybe they have finally found peace here after the ordeals they had to endure...
And suddenly it all becomes too much for Subaru, even the closeness to Hokuto. He feels like running, like getting away until he finds some space to collect himself, a place where he can think, or at leastbreathe again.
Despite the strong urge, he is careful when he pushes Hokuto away and comes to his feet. He doesn't need to look at her to know that Hokuto's eyebrows are knitted together as she looks at him questioningly.
"I'm sorry," he tries to explain himself. "I just need..." He doesn't finish the sentence, just crosses the room and goes to the door, grateful for the still continuing noise in the kitchen, showing that Seishirou is still busy there and hopefully hasn't heard anything. He doesn't think that he can deal with Seishirou now as well.
"Subaru, please!"
But he is already out of the door and then around the next corner, first only walking fast, then running, blind to his surroundings and not caring all that much where he is going, as long as it is away.
He isn't surprised when he suddenly finds himself in a park. Not just any the park, but the park where he had met Seishirou first, as a young boy. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again, he stands in front of the Sakura. His Sakura - former enemy, then hated, until Subaru has gotten to know it so well during the last years that he considers it a trusted friend now.
"So you are here as well," Subaru murmurs and lights himself a cigarette, before stepping closer. He lets his hand wander over the trunk, which doesn't feel like an illusion, but warm and vivid, kept alive by the blood the Sakurazukamori, including Subaru, have fed to it over the course of time. He closes his eyes, lets the quiet whisper of the tree wash over him, allows it to calm his nerves.
There is no disturbance, no thirst for blood. It is still sated from the yakuza, the last meal Subaru has fed to it. In fact, it almost seems to hum, which is always a peculiar experience, especially since the Sakura's emotions reflect back to Subaru, and so spreads its happiness. It is a particular connection between the Sakurazukamori and the Sakura. Subaru has discovered it already on his first day as the Sakurazukamori. They are one unit, bound for eternity.
"I knew that I would find you here." Slowly, deliberately, Subaru opens his eyes. Seishirou leans against the trunk of the Sakura, his expression for once serious. "Hokuto is worried about you."
Subaru watches one of the blossoms fly down and land on the back of his hand, like a soft caress. He closes his hand around it, draws strength from it, allows it to support him. In a way, his relationship to the tree is funny. From amazement to shock to fear, to its caretaker to its master and its servant. From trembling in fear to accepting (and drawing from) the comfort the tree offers so freely. But as strange as his relationship to the Sakura is, Subaru can't imagine it suddenly not being part of his life anymore. Doesn't even want to imagine it.
"I will talk to her later," Subaru says, voice much calmer than he feels. He would apologize to her. She would understand. She was the only one who always understood him.
"What is wrong, Subaru-kun?"
It is not really a question that requires an answer, Subaru thinks, smiling slightly. "I'm dead. Maybe it hit me a bit unexpectedly. It's probably not something you get so easily used to, especially if the afterlife isn't anything like you expected."
Seishirou's laugh is still as rich as Subaru remembers and it still has the same effect on him. The sound seems to fill every cell of his body with warmth and makes him yearn for something he, by all logic, shouldn't feel anymore.
"Oh, Subaru-kun, I missed you!" Seishirou says, still laughing softly.
Subaru's eyes narrow. "Don't do that," he says, voice a tad sharper than before.
"Don't do what?" Seishirou looks at him curiously.
"I might be dead, but I'm not stupid," Subaru says and lets his cigarette fall to the ground. "Don't try to play any more games with me. It won't work. I'm not the child I was then."
"I noticed. Already last time," Seishirou says and there is his trademark smirk again.
It feels strange being here, talking this way. Bizarre after everything that happened between them, but also strangely comforting.
"So Fuuma told you about my wish."
Subaru nods. "I probably wouldn't be here otherwise."
"Why did you do it?" There is honest curiosity in Seishirou's voice and eyes.
"What else did I have left?" Subaru says. "After all, you refused to fulfill my last wish!" His voice has become sharper with the last words and he takes a deep breath, forces himself to calm down again.
"If you expect me to say that I'm sorry, then you will be disappointed," Seishirou says and leans back against the tree. "It was supposed to end this way."
Subaru snorts. "I don't expect anything. Least of all from you. You never do or say what I expect anyway."
"Well, what can I say? It's part of my charm."
"I'm not even going to bother with an answer to that," Subaru says and laughs softly.
Silence falls between them, but this time it isn't as much awkward as it is thoughtful.
"What happened to your eyes?" Subaru finally asks.
There is a shrug. "We all get what we deserve and want. It just happened. Does it bother you?"
Subaru shakes his head. "I was just curious."
"Thank you, Subaru-kun," Seishirou says and this time it is on Subaru to look at him confused.
"For what?"
"For fulfilling my wish."
Subaru nods. "Is this real?" he finally asks, voice unexpected hot and urgent, even to his own ears.
"You doubt it?" Seishirou says, then straightens up.
"Of course. It's not exactly how I imagined it to be once I'm dead."
"Then please allow me to convince you of it," Seishirou says, eyes gleaming. It's the only warning Subaru gets. Before he can even answer, much less react in any other way, Seishirou has crossed the short distance between them and stands right in front of Subaru.
"Seishirou," Subaru just says, still looking into the other's eyes. He allows the strangely mismatched gaze to mesmerize him, the mix of bright green and warm amber, both entirely focused on Subaru.
The hands that are suddenly on his cheeks are warm and painfully familiar, comforting and reassuring.
Real.
Almost more so than the lips that press against Subaru's own, kissing him. Not hard or demanding, but just there. Even the brief contact kindles a fire within Subaru he had thought long dead already, died that day on the bridge, when he has lost everything.
Subaru feels his knees weakening under the onslaught of emotions the simple caress awakes within him and welcomes the arm that wraps around his waist, steadying him and pulling him closer against Seishirou at the same time.
Subaru can't do anything else but give in, doesn't want to do anything else. His hands twist into Seishirou's coat as Seishirou licks over his lips, slowly, almost as if he wants to taste him, to decide if he would make a good dinner. Subaru opens his mouth, invites the warm tongue in, plays with it.
The intimacy and the closeness feel perfect now that he is no longer denied it. Subaru can't suppress a groan of disappointment when Seishirou breaks the kiss. "Do you believe now that it is real?"
"Are you serious?" Subaru asks, slightly breathless. "Of course not! Usually when we get to the point that something could happen, you start attacking me." He smiles a bit. It feels strange talking about it so, in such a playful way, but at the same time it also makes it easier. Almost as if they have moved beyond the past. As if Subaru has moved beyond it. "Now I'm even more convinced that I'm stuck in some illusion."
The other's eyes are unreadable, but Seishirou plays along and laughs. "Maybe I have to work harder on my convincing skills. But not now. We should go," he says, pressing Subaru once more close against his body and kissing him on the forehead. When he steps away, it is much too soon for Subaru's liking. "If we don't return soon, Hokuto will fear the worst. She has been driving me mad since I arrived here. If given the chance, she would probably happily have killed me again."
Seishirou shudders and Subaru grins. Yes, that sounds just like his sister. No doubt about that. "Then we should go," he says and starts walking, leaving the illusion to disintegrate after him. Seishirou follows close by.
V.
Getting away from them isn't easy. For the last few hours, ever since his previous outburst, Hokuto refused to let him out of her sight, seemingly checking for every breath Subaru takes.
Not that Subaru would usually mind, he doesn't even really mind the attention now, it is Hokuto after all, but right now Subaru feels a bit suffocated and still not entirely like himself.
In the end, it is Seishirou who helps him, when he asks Hokuto to go shopping with him for dinner. After all, so Seishirou -- eyes bright and laughing, reminding Subaru once more of then -- she knows best, even better than him, what their Subaru-kun likes most and they should celebrate their reunion with a fantastic dinner.
After a moment of hesitation, Hokuto nods. "Will you be all right? You could come with us. Or we two go, or I could--"
"I will be fine, Hokuto. And I will be here when you get back. I just need some time alone. I don't die every day, you know? It takes a bit of getting used to," Subaru says and smiles. "I won't just vanish." All he needs is just some space to breathe, away from this. Not from Hokuto, but from the overwhelming emotions and the strangeness of the situation. After all, not even 24 hours ago he was still the Sakurazukamori, had been busy killing people, and had tried his best not to think about the past, and now he was here, in the past.
With the past.
"Promise?"
Subaru nods. Of course he does. Not that he has planned on anything else. He would never risk losing her again. Or Seishirou, but he isn't quite ready yet to admit that fact, certainly not aloud.
Hokuto graces him with a thoughtful look, then smiles. She has replaced the pink butterfly dress with a dark green, longer one, which highlights the green of her eyes even more beautifully, lets them appear almost radiant. Before Subaru has a chance to protest, she sits down beside him on the couch, wraps her arms tightly around his body and kisses him. "All right. I just don't want to lose you again, Subaru," she says, voice very low. "But we will find something great to eat and then we will cook and we will have a fantastic evening. Just the three of us – you, Sei-chan and I. It will be just like in the past."
Before Subaru can answer, Seishirou chimes in, "I'm sure Subaru-kun will be fine. He is an adult, after all, and--"
"And he is my brother, Seishirou-san. Don't you ever forget that!" Hokuto interrupts him, her voice so sharp that Subaru almost winces. "Otherwise I will find out if there isn't a way to kill someone in the afterlife."
In a pacifying gesture, Seishirou lifts his hands. "I know that, Hokuto-chan, but I'm still convinced that he will be fine and before long we will all be back here."
Hokuto holds his gaze for a moment longer, her eyes hard, not even blinking, then she jumps up. "Fine. A girl doesn't stand a chance against the two of you." She makes a grimace, then turns her attention to Subaru. She leans forward and embraces him. "I love you, Subaru," she murmurs against his hair. Before Subaru can return the gesture or even say something, she withdraws and stalks over to the door. "Let's go, Sei-chan."
If Subaru has expected for Seishirou to do or say something as well, he is disappointed. The Sakurazukamori just stands in the doorframe, holding open Hokuto's coat for her. Then, with a last wave, they are gone and Subaru can't say if he should be relieved or disappointed. There's a mix of both and so many more feelings, all part of the turmoil of emotions, which he can't seem to sort out and which makes breathing so very difficult.
With a sigh, he leans forward and takes up the package of cigarettes from the table. Not his own, but Seishirou's. He lights one and takes a deep drag.
At least it won't kill him anymore, Subaru thinks and smiles wryly before he takes the small, silvery ashtray in his other hand. He leans back once more and closes his eyes, allows the silence to wash over him. In the back of his mind, he can feel the Sakura, the constant link vibrating vividly. Instead of being distracting, it only highlights the peace and quiet of the moment.
For a brief moment, he can't help but wonder if Seishirou can still feel the Sakura as well, if the link between them still burns with the same intensity that Subaru can feel now. Probably. At the very least he can still visit it, as Subaru could see earlier.
Subaru shakes his head, refusing to think further about that encounter and his own reaction to the closeness, how easily the other man could still get under his skin. There would be more than enough time for that later.
Subaru puts out the cigarette and comes to his feet in one fluid motion. Maybe some fresh air would help him to clear his mind. Or maybe just being away from here and all the emotions connected to this place would help with that already.
He isn't very surprised when he gets to the door and sees his own coat hanging there. Of course there are no holes in the black cloth, no proof that he had been shot just a few hours ago. With a small shake of his head, Subaru takes it, puts on his shoes and leaves the house.
The air is clean and cold and for a moment Subaru just stands there, breathing in deeply. It doesn't help much, of course, but at least he does feel a bit calmer when he moves on.
Unlike before, his steps are leisurely as he walks through the streets and he takes the time to look around. It's strange. While he knows the area by heart, it feels different. It takes him a moment longer before he realizes that it not only feels different, but looks different as well. Most of the houses are still the same, but there are changes. Like a garden here and there, a different house, bigger, smaller, a different color. Houses that don't quite fit to his memories - or to each other - but look as if they belong here anyway.
It's the same changes which are responsible for the special atmosphere, Subaru realizes.
It's the same once he leaves the familiar street and walks further. The surroundings are a strange mix of every place he has ever visited. Right in front of the door Tokyo, with all its labyrinths and streets, then to the right, a piece of Kyoto. There are other places, too, Hokuto has told him, but this small piece of paradise is theirs.
When he turns right, Subaru finds himself in front of a small park. His steps lead him right to the entrance of a playground and Subaru goes over to one of the wooden benches and sits down. For a moment he smiles as he sees the children playing. It doesn't last long though, because then he remembers where he is and that all those children are dead, no matter how cheerful the scenery appears.
"Onii-chan!" The strangely, remotely familiar voice cuts through his thoughts. When he turns around, there's a little girl running towards him, laughing. He needs a moment before he can sort her in, but then he remembers Nerima, the baby and the little girl ghost who had helped him.
"Hello," he says, smiling.
She laughs and the sound is so very different from how she has sounded then. It makes him happy. "You remember me," she says.
"Of course I do. How long have you been here?" Subaru asks.
"I have been here since I met you," she says and smiles happily. "Mommy feels much better here, you know? Maybe it is because daddy is here as well. They are waiting for me at home. We want to go out for dinner." She dances away before Subaru can really say something, but then turns around once more and says: "I saw your sister. She lives with the big, scary guy. The one with the different eyes, like yours. Did you find her already? "
"I found them," he says and smiles. Or rather: They have found him, but that small detail doesn't really matter in the end.
"I'm happy for you. Then you are not alone and don't need to be sad anymore." Then she laughs and runs past him, out of the park.
Subaru stays for some more time, just observes the children playing, just takes in the normalcy of the situation. When he finally gets to his feet again, he feels oddly at peace.
-----
When Subaru returns home and he sees that a new house has appeared right beside Seishirou's, has replaced the two that had been there when Subaru has left the house, he is not really shocked or even surprised. Not even when it isn't just any house, but the house he and Hokuto had lived in so very long ago.
For a moment Subaru keeps standing in front of it, looks at the façade, which is still the same as it has been then, down to the small graffiti right beside the red wall.
He doesn't know how long he stands there, but suddenly Hokuto is beside him. "Oh, it's wonderful, Subaru!" Hokuto says, her voice slightly breathless. She claps her hands in excitement.
Subaru shakes his head. "I didn't do anything. It was just here when I got back."
"Congratulations. You have arrived in the life in which almost all your wishes will come true," Seishirou says and laughs, but Subaru can feel that something is not quite all right.
"I didn't wish for a new house. I just walked around, talked to an old friend and when I came back, it was here."
Seishirou's eyes narrow ever so slightly. "An old friend?"
"Just a little girl," Subaru says. "You wouldn't know her. It was... later."
Seishirou nods and for a moment the uncomfortable silence between them is back. In the end, Seishirou is the one who breaks it: "Why don't you two go in while I take care of the bags and start preparing dinner?" Before they can say something, Seishirou has already vanished inside his own house, the door falling back into the lock with an unnerving, far too loud sound.
Hokuto and Subaru exchange a gaze, then Hokuto shrugs. "Let's go in," she then says and makes a hesitant step. Her hand hovers over the handle, as if unsure if she should touch it or not. Then she withdraws again. "Or maybe we should leave the exploring for after dinner," she says, sounding just as uncertain as Subaru feels. "I'm very sure we won't miss anything. It will look just the same. And dead or not, I'm hungry. So maybe we should help Sei-chan, so that we will get dinner faster!" Her smile is as bright as always, but Subaru can see the emotions Hokuto tries not to show.
The break is too short as that Subaru could have objected and in the end he doesn't know what he could have said either. He feels the same way as Hokuto does. A strong reluctance to enter a part of his life that isn't his - theirs - anymore and which might just awaken even more painful memories that neither of them wants. So he just nods in agreement. "After dinner."
Or tomorrow.
Or some other time.
Whenever they feel more ready to confront that part of their life. Or maybe they will just forget about it entirely. It isn't theirs anymore, much less Subaru's and hasn't been for a very long time. He is no longer the naïve boy that had lived in the rooms, full of dreams and confident that at least some aspects of his life would never change, that the three of them would always be together.
He is pretty sure that there is no space anymore for the Sakurazukamori who -- instead of helping people -- has opted to kill them, because he was too weak to ignore, or at least to resist his own emotions.
So Subaru doesn't protest (even is grateful for it) when Hokuto silently links their arms and pulls him away from yet another part of his past and into the new-old-surreal life he has been thrown in today.
---
"Is there someone you want to find?" Hokuto says after dinner. When Subaru looks at her, confused, she continues, "Because you asked about other people here."
Subaru nods.
"Who?" Seishirou asks, sounding interested.
"Kamui. My Kamui. The Dragon of Heaven," Subaru says when he becomes aware of Seishirou's gaze. There are others, like Sorata and all those who have died, but Subaru has no interest in meeting them again. There is just Kamui, the only one he could identify with. He wants to make sure that he is fine (as fine as any of them ever will be again, which probably isn't much) and hopefully has found his sister again, one of the two people on the planet who maybe could help Kamui heal.
"Oh, so Fuuma killed him?" Seishirou asks, voice neutral, as if they were talking about the weather or something equally trivial.
Subaru isn't shocked by his tone (or even annoyed, whatever that says about his state of mind – he doesn't care to explore that any further either) and just shakes his head. "Kamui sacrificed himself when he realized that it was the only way for him to bring Fuuma back. It worked. I just want to make sure that he is all right."
Hokuto takes his hand. "We will go and look around tomorrow. If he is here, we will find him," she says, and there is once more no doubt in her voice. She has always been the more optimistic of the two of them and obviously not even dying could change that. Subaru is grateful for it.
"Thank you, Hokuto," Subaru says, voice soft, and smiles at her.
Hokuto nods. "But maybe we should go. After all, we have our own beds now and don't need to occupy Sei-san's house any longer," she continues, when it becomes obvious that they are all just waiting for something to happen. But there seems to be the same reluctance in her voice that Subaru feels. For all the awkwardness of the situation, he doesn't feel even the slightest urge to go. He is content here, being with the two of them, re-living the past. Maybe even turning it into something else, something that would allow them to not only re-live it, but to create something they were never allowed to have.
---
Subaru stands at the window, looking out, while he waits for Hokuto to return, so that they can take their leave. He is so focused on the night view, so lost in his own thoughts, that he first becomes aware of Seishirou's presence when he feels the other's hot breath against his ear. "Fuuma told me all about Kamui and you."
"That can't have been much then," Subaru says with a shrug, forcing his voice to stay steady.
"Obviously you two were very close."
Slowly, Subaru turns around, faces the other Sakurazukamori. Seishirou's eyes seem to burn with an inner fire. The scorching gaze sends shivers down Subaru's spine, and not necessarily of the unpleasant kind. It is rather distracting, but Subaru still manages to meet the other's gaze calmly. "We were. For obvious reasons, I was the only one who could really understand him. It's easy to bond with someone if your experiences are so similar."
Seishirou's gaze darkens. "Is that so?"
"I tried to help him. He certainly didn't deserve what happened to him."
"And how exactly did you two bond?"
Subaru shakes his head and straightens up. "Don't worry. We just talked. There has never been anyone else but you for me. You made sure about that," he says, voice firm, without any bitterness. It's one of the few things he has never been bitter about. Maybe he just never got a chance for it, but it didn't change anything in the end. There is and always has been Seishirou for him and nothing would ever be able to change it. His being here was testimony enough of that.
"Good," Seishirou says simply and frames his face.
"Good?" Subaru asks, only too aware of the warm hands on his skin and the closeness.
"Good," Seishirou repeats and before Subaru can say anything more, Seishirou is kissing him. Not as carefully as before (had their meeting under the Sakura really just been mere hours ago?), but hot and passionate as if he wants to devour him, and Subaru decides that anything else he could have on his mind could just wait.
He had waited so very long for this, too long, then had given up hope of ever getting it over a lifetime ago. And now they are here and Seishirou is holding him, kissing him.
"It's good, because you are mine alone and if you know that then I don't need to find out how anyone can be killed in the afterlife." In the past, such a statement would have horrified Subaru. Not so anymore. Being the Sakurazukamori obviously has changed his perspective quite a bit. And it's not as if Seishirou can really do something. They are dead, after all, and it wouldn't be any different for Kamui. So Subaru ignores it, instead focuses on the effect that Seishirou's voice has on his body, the possessiveness that washes over him and makes his nerves tingle.
He is screwed up. Subaru has no doubt about that, but right now he couldn't care less. Not here, with Seishirou's arms around him and his sister, well, not exactly alive, but so close by.
"You are impossible, as always," Subaru just says in the end, voice rough with desire. "But I don't want to talk anymore." He presses himself against the other man, hands buried in the white shirt as he pulls Seishirou closer, capturing his lips for another kiss.
Seishirou complies and Subaru closes his eyes and gives himself over to the hands that are roaming over his back, firm and real, and the lips that are on his, kissing and teasing him.
Subaru licks over Seishirou's lips, tasting the Sakurazukamori, willing him to open up, to give Subaru more of what they both want. His soft groan is lost in the other's mouth when Seishirou does so and their tongues meet.
Subaru feels himself not quite drowning, but floating, and when Seishirou breaks the kiss and his lips start to move over Subaru's cheek, down to his neck, Subaru turns his head to give the mouth more space and the teeth more skin to mark him. He can hear Hokuto's soft steps, first determined, then more hesitant and then stopping entirely. Probably slightly beyond the door, Subaru thinks, but with Seishirou's lips and hands on him, both steadily moving, he feels too dazed to react, and when Seishirou sucks on the sensitive spot where his neck joins with his shoulder, he just doesn't care if they have an observer. All he wants is more of the same and he doesn't think that anything could make him stop this now. Not that he wants for it to stop. He has waited so long for this, even had to kill and to die, to finally get it.
When he opens his eyes slightly, he can see Hokuto walking towards them, steps steady, and even with his befuddled mind, he wonders just why she seems so determined.
"Seishirou-san!" she says, not sounding as disapproving as she maybe should. "Can't a girl even go to the bathroom without fearing for her brother's virginity?"
Subaru feels himself blushing, much like his 16-year-old self and not like the adult he is.
"I'm sorry, Hokuto-chan," Seishirou says, not sounding very sorry at all. Rather he seems like a predator, ready to strike at any moment. Subaru finds himself waiting for the strike, even yearning for it. "But I think I – we – have waited long enough." Subaru couldn't agree more, as he melts against Seishirou when the other man starts to nibble at his neck, first carefully, then, when Subaru growls, a bit harder, one of his hands buried in Subaru's hair, his other arm wrapped around his waist, holding Subaru close.
Hokuto comes to a hold beside them and before Subaru can process the chain of events, or even the current situation, her arms wrap around Subaru, over Seishirou's arms, embracing them both.
"Hok--," he tries to say, but Seishirou distracts him with a perfectly timed and placed nip to his earlobe before kissing him, causing Subaru to temporarily lose his ability to speak, even to think.
For a moment after the kiss ends, he keeps his eyes closed. When he opens them again, it is to the image of Seishirou and Hokuto's lips meeting over his shoulder, first for a brief kiss, but soon deepening.
A mixture of the most different emotions runs through Subaru, all accompanied by the question just how long the two of them have been here together, alone, just how often and long they have done this, because the intimacy seems too natural to be new, the two of them too comfortable with each other.
Subaru isn't sure if he should protest or rather not, because despite the strangeness of the situation, the image of the two of them together -- beautifully separated in light and dark, day and night, the perfect combination -- is absolutely intoxicating and he thinks that he could spend hours just watching them and to feel their passion, to let it fly over to him and to let his own lust soar even higher.
At the same time, he wants to join them, to take part in their exchange and that is just wrong, of course, because it's not just Seishirou and someone else, but it is Seishirou with Hokuto, Subaru's own sister and--
When Hokuto's lips are suddenly on his, Subaru has problems to keep this line of thought. It's an intimacy that goes far beyond what siblings usually share, Subaru is pretty sure about that and for a moment he thinks that he should probably protest and push her away from him, but then she moves closer, presses herself against him, arms wrapped around his neck, and the closeness feels just too good and he can't help himself but to give in, to taste her, to absorb her and to be absorbed by her.
"I missed you so very much," Hokuto whispers when they break apart. Subaru agrees, even if he can't convince his voice to work, so he just leans forward to kiss her as well, carefully and hesitantly at first, not sure if it will be really welcome, but Hokuto -- and bless his sister for that -- clearly has no such inhibitions and happily indulges him.
Subaru has no clear idea of how it happened, but suddenly the three of them are a tangle of limbs and mouths and tongues. And lust, raw and demanding, feeding their hunger for each other.
Subaru gasps as Seishirou's hands are suddenly no longer on his clothed backside anymore, but touch bare skin, with hands that are impossibly warm, almost too hot.
Hokuto's laugh is not really muffled against Subaru's neck. "Being dead does have a few advantages, as you can see, my dear brother," she purrs against his ear, which is loud and clear, even over Seishirou's chuckle.
Subaru is pretty sure that the blush isn't restricted anymore to his far too hot face and hides gratefully in Seishirou's kiss.
"It's just as good," Hokuto continues, "because we really have to do something about your horrible choice in clothes. This will make it much easier. And more fun. Don't you agree?"
Even if Subaru would have known what to say, the words would have fled his mind when the two of them press against him, Seishirou from the front and Hokuto against his back, so that Subaru can't do more than groan.
"Oh, definitely, Hokuto-chan," Seishirou finally answers instead of Subaru, his voice a purr as well, but unlike Hokuto's his is low and dark, doing the most interesting things to Subaru's body, like setting his nerve-endings on fire.
"Do you trust me?" It is not a question Subaru has expected, not from Seishirou, and for a moment he isn't quite sure what to answer either. He feels torn and all he wants is to feel the warm hands roaming his body again and to lean into Hokuto's kiss. But now that the question is here, time and movement seem to have stopped with just the few words and Subaru feels at a loss. Seishirou was the Sakurazukamori after all. And so are you, an unwelcome voice adds. Still, Subaru hesitates for a moment longer, but between Hokuto snuggling against him (and it feels so very good, so perfect!) and Seishirou's intense gaze on him, he finally nods. It doesn't matter anymore either way. He is dead after all. He has nothing left to lose, but maybe everything to win.
"Good," Seishirou says, though it's more a growl than anything else and for a moment Subaru feels himself pressed hard against Seishirou's body. The action says more than words could, especially seeing that it is Seishirou. A few years earlier, Subaru would have sobbed with relief at that and the closeness, at finally getting what he has always wanted. And while he is more composed now -- he has grown up, after all, not without thanks to Seishirou -- he still can't quite believe that this is true, that it isn't just an illusion, maybe one of those feverish dreams that insisted on hunting him so often in the past.
In the end, it is Hokuto's arching into his hesitant touch, almost purring with contentment and the way she corrects Seishirou's growled "mine" with a firm shake of her head and a determined "ours" that is his undoing. That and Seishirou's hands wandering over his body, mapping it, tracing every line and scar, first with his hands and then his mouth.
Subaru finally gives himself over to the arms around him and the electrifying kisses, surrenders to the warm contact, the almost overwhelming intimacy he never thought he would ever experience, certainly not in this combination.
But maybe, he thinks, maybe it is on time that he finds some peace, his own version of a happy afterlife. Maybe this is it, no matter how strange it seems.
VI.
Subaru can't quite suppress a gasp when he follows Hokuto through the plain wooden door. He is pretty sure that Seishirou's house never had a back door, much less one that led to a garden, in the middle of Tokyo.
And not one of those small ones where you can barely turn around either. There's grass and flowers and, in the middle, a group of Sakura. There are three of them, to be exact, only slightly smaller than the real one, all of them in full flower, even if it isn't time for them. Two of them white and one with rich, pink petals. And while all three of them are beautiful, it is the third one that calls to Subaru, the one that feels like home, even if he knows that it isn't his Sakura.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Hokuto asks, cheerfully, and steps beside him, linking their arms. Subaru can't disagree. He's also pretty sure that the Sakura are Seishirou's doing, while the rest of the garden feels like Hokuto.
For a moment, they stand in silence, until Subaru says: "Is the practice still open?" He asks the question that has been bothering him for the last hours already. There is a ting of worry in his voice as he remembers just why the Sakurazukamori had the practice to start with. It has been the ideal cover, of course. Depending on his daily mood he could either heal the animals or let them take the brunt of the magical backlashes.
It is something Subaru has managed to avoid once he has taken over. For the most part at least. He has always taken the time to prepare himself, so that nobody else would have to suffer for what he did. Of course, it couldn't always be avoided and for the longest time the gazes of those caught in the crossfire followed him in his dreams, haunting him (like the middle-aged truck driver, who had visited a bar and on his return had happened to walk straight into one of those backlashes). Even as the Sakurazukamori, Subaru had always preferred to take it himself. He had enough blood on his hands, so this was the least he could do.
For all the understanding he has gained about Seishirou during his time as the Sakurazukamori, using innocent beings is one of the things still beyond Subaru.
But he doesn't need to understand it. Not anymore. No matter how strong the bond between them is, how similar they have become, Seishirou and he are still different people, who disagree on some of the most basic things. It is something Subaru has accepted. Not right away, but later, when he had struggled with what happened, when he had tried to pick up himself far enough so that he could continue existing.
"I don't think so," Hokuto interrupts his thoughts. Just at the right time, too, because Subaru knows only too well where it will lead if he thinks too much about these things. He has lost more days and nights to such thoughts than he cares to remember. "We are all dead here. The animals shouldn't be an exception. I don't think anyone here can even get sick."
"It's for the best," Subaru says. He doesn't need to elaborate. Certainly not with Hokuto. She understands. Of course. They both have been caught unaware in the middle of it and have paid the price.
Hokuto nods, but there's a thoughtful, faraway look in her eyes, wistful, showing that she remembers as well and that remembering isn't easy for her either. Subaru's chest aches as he feels Hokuto's pain, almost if it would be his own.
Maybe it is.
Instinctively, he wraps his arms around Hokuto, pulls her close, tries to shield her, no matter how useless it will be, because in the end, he is responsible for her suffering. Without him, she wouldn't have gone to Seishirou and wouldn't have died. Subaru can feel a shudder running through her body and presses her closer.
Despite her having grown older, she is still smaller than him, so Subaru can easily bury his face in her hair, which is still as soft as he remembers it, and which still smells of flowers and the sun and of life and of happier days, before everything went downhill and their life had fallen apart.
"I have missed you so very much," she finally whispers, her voice so rough that it barely sounds like her, proof of just how upset she is.
Subaru strokes soothingly over her back. "I missed you as well." That is all he can say, because there are no words that could even start to describe the pain that had shaken him awake when she had died, how he had struggled after her death, how he barely managed to go through each and every day after he has lost her. There never would be words to describe that, or just how happy he feels just being near her again, even just knowing that she has been waiting for him.
Hokuto shakes her head. "I just wanted for you to continue living, to be happy again, despite everything you had to endure," she explains. "But when I felt your arrival here, I wanted for you to stay. I wanted for you to die, so that we could finally be together again, Subaru. I'm so selfish that I couldn't bear the thought of losing you once again, not when you were finally so close. I'm sorry," she ends and her voice is dark and rough and hopeless and when she finally looks up to meet his eyes, he can see her unshed tears.
For a moment Subaru feels helpless, absolutely not sure what he could do to ease his sister's torment. Then he decides to just go with the truth. "Hokuto-chan," he says, voice soft and calm. "I want to be here. With you. With Seishirou. For years, I have wanted to die. I couldn't bear the though of living without you. Dying has been my biggest wish." He hesitates for a moment, not sure just how much Hokuto knows about the situation, about the Dragon's of Earth and of Heaven, of Kamui and Fuuma and Seishirou, and everything that happened along the way. Apart from the obvious, Seishirou's death and him becoming the new Sakurazukamori. "I never got my wish fulfilled, but I should have died years ago already. And I'm happy that I'm here now." He laughs a bit. "True, the idea of being dead takes a bit getting used, too, and this isn't quite what I have expected, but I am happy."
It is the truth, too. Subaru is happy. The strangeness of the situation aside, he is maybe the happiest he ever will be. At the very least he is much happier than he can remember having been in a very long time. It is a particular realization, but it doesn't make it any less true.
"I'm glad to hear that and I'm sure Hokuto-chan feels the same way." This time Subaru does startle as he hears the voice against his ear. For a moment he tenses, but then relaxes against the lean body that presses against his back, without loosing his hold on Hokuto.
"Just how long have you been listening already?" Subaru asks, warily. He turns his head just enough that he can get a glimpse of Seishirou's profile. It's enough to see that his hair is still wet from his recent shower.
"That would be telling, wouldn't it?" Subaru can hear the smirk in Seishirou's voice, softened by the almost-playful expression that gleams in his eyes.
Hokuto tenses in his arms then relaxes again. "Eavesdropping is a very bad habit, Sei-chan," she tells him, but there's no real dismay in her voice or her eyes when she turns her head to look at Seishirou.
When her gaze falls on Subaru, he can see the same kind of understanding there that he has been feeling. They won't be able to change him and they both came obviously to the same conclusion at some point, even if in different ways. If Subaru has to be honest, he doesn't want to change him either. All this, no matter how aggravating or unsettling it can be, is part of who Seishirou is, after all.
And Subaru loves him, something that will probably never change.
It's as easy as that and he knows that it is the same the other way around. It's one of the very few things Subaru can still be sure about, no matter how screwed up their relationship might appear to outsiders. But this is theirs, their second chance. A bit belated and not exactly how Subaru has envisioned it, but he wouldn't want to have it any other way, not even if he would be given a choice.
And it's not just their chance, but for Hokuto and him as well, and for the three of them.
It doesn't look too bad either, Subaru thinks, and leans further against Seishirou, pulling Hokuto with him, relishing the closeness to the two people he loves so very much, and the feeling of finally being alive again. And safe. After all, they can hardly screw it up any worse than in the past. At the very least they are dead already.
"It's getting cold. We should go inside, maybe have some tea," Seishirou says, then, when Subaru nods, turns his head and kisses him.
"Only if you make it, Sei-chan," Hokuto says and grins. "You owe us some tea for just listening into our private conversation. Don't you think so, Subaru?"
Yes, Subaru thinks as they separate, it would work out this time. Somehow they would make it work.
In the distance Subaru can see Tokyo Tower, still standing, towering over everything, like the eternal guardian it is.
-.-.-.-