Title: Fearless in the Land of Fear
Author: Tigris Lilium
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, only the idea for this story.
Summary: He didn't want to see her light go out. And he didn't want to be the cause so he chose to push her away.
He knew he was wrong from the very beginning. He was just too stubborn to admit it. He had known he had done something wrong the moment her green eyes dulled.
She always had a way of showing how she felt through her eyes. She tried to hide it. She did it terrible. But that wasn't the fact this time. This time, she had put up this insurmountable wall to him as the words tumbled out of his mouth.
Normally he thought without speaking. He was normally always cool and collected. But Naruto was being impatient about wanting to get stronger and obnoxious about not having enough Ichiraku ramen in his stomach. She hadn't bothered to move, complaining about how she wasn't feeling well enough to train. She had other things bothering her. He couldn't tell what they were, but he also didn't care either.
At least at that moment in time, he didn't. Some ambitious kid pitched a rock right through his apartment window that morning and clocked him on in the jaw. He didn't have any clean underwear. He realized, today being the most pertinent of days, that he had to do his laundry because otherwise he'd soon have no clothes to wear at all. He had to pay his apartment rent. Mr. Ukki was looking down. He had a beg bruise happening on his jaw. He felt like he had a hangover, although he didn't at all. And, overall, he felt like the most disgruntled bachelor in all of Konoha.
And all that was taken out on a girl, not even 19, who wasn't in the mood for training for the jounin examination.
He was such an idiot for saying it. He never should have. Normally, she'd try to put a punch on him when he pulled one of his I'm-training-you-so-listen-closely stunts. His comment was not a training comment. It was base and bastardish and completely uncalled for. He had known this before it came out of his mouth.
Remember: he always thought before he spoke.
She had went home, not in the usual loud-I-don't-want-to-be-near-you way, but in the I-don't-want-to-hear-or-talk-or-anything-with-you today. Her footsteps were quiet. She didn't cry. He couldn't smell the salt of the tears like he normally did.
But actually, she didn't cry that much anymore anyway. His little cherry blossom had grown. And he wondered when that happened. He wondered when she had learned to stop crying, to sweep her pain under the rug. What had she learned this from? Not from Naruto – he kept his emotions flying through the air. Not from Sasuke: he was gone forever now, seeking out his own selfish ambitions. Not from Ino, who from the looks of it, got whatever she wanted by the way she acted. Neither Shikamaru or Tenten or any of those other ninja her age.
No. She had learned it from him. She had learned to push people away by walking away and being quiet. She had resigned herself to thinking that her opinion did not matter.
He wouldn't let that happen. He couldn't. Her independence and spirit was what made the team, was what created the family of ninja in Konoha.
And he couldn't let it happen because he did not want that to be her. He didn't want her to be anything resembling him because she was his breath of fresh air. He needed her to be his light in the darkness. He didn't want her to blow out. And now she was flickering and dangerously close to being full out. Her spirit was drying and he was causing it. She was getting older much faster than she was supposed to.
"Sakura..." He said his name to her retreating form. She didn't look back and didn't even hesitate.
He had to go after her. Tell her he was sorry for whatever he said. Tell her he didn't actually mean it but was taking it out on her. But she'd retaliate that he really had absolutely no right to pick it out on her.
But it was his indiscretions that sought to maim that innocent visage she tried to maintain. She wasn't asking for it. And she'd be right. He had no excuse, really. He couldn't conjure up one in the heat of the moment as he stalked after her, almost too proud to keep going.
He found her on in the park, sitting on the bench with her knees brought up to her chest. Her face was downcast, but no tears spilled this time around. No, they wouldn't spill for him anymore and most definitely not because of him.
"Sakura..." He tried to think of an excuse, something so real and true that she'd have to forgive him. All he could think of was this dark hole and the flickering of a beautiful flame. "Look... I..."
She didn't look up at him, just away from him.
He didn't care if he needed her permission. He sat down anyway, in his always lazy style and manly ways. He tilted his head to look at her, his hand idly coming forward to tuck the pink tendrils behind her ears. He watched as gooseflesh bumped almost imperceptibly on her skin. It most definitely wasn't hot out today.
"I have no excuse... no lie..." He took a deep breath and hesitantly put a hand on hers, "But I'm sorry for saying that."
After a few moments, when he was just about to get up after giving up hope, she turned her head and said, "You had no right."
I know.
"You still treat me like a child."
I know.
"And you don't see what I'm really good at and that I'm still trying to please you in any way possible."
Once again, I know.
"Sensei, you really need to think before you say things. You'll hurt the people most dear to you." She said carelessly. Yes, that was a direct referral to their predicament right there. "Why do you treat me this way? It's been like this for a long time now, hasn't it..."
"I suppose it has."
"Why?" Her eyes locked on his, so pure and green that his stomach constricted and his heart lodged up his throat.
And oh, he tried to swallow it down but couldn't. "I don't know. You've grown up. You've blossomed into this beautiful, unattainable woman. You have men in the bars whistling at you because of your hair, your eyes and your alluring smile. You did this all before my very eyes."
That wasn't what she was asking was it, because otherwise she'd be smiling.
And then he caved and let the facade break just a little bit more. "Sakura, I don't want to see you become a younger version of me."
A small smile touched the corners of her pink lips. He found himself smiling too. "Sensei, I don't mind becoming a little more like you. You're strong and you're intelligent. You don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. And I admire that about you. If I'm pulling away, it's only because I respect that about you."
Then his shoulders dropped. What had he said? That he didn't let his emotions cloud his judgement. His eyes drifted over to hers again. How many times had he gone and fetched her from trouble and dragged her back to the medical clinic when she was almost done? How many times had he sat wondering if she was alright when she was about to go on a dangerous mission? How many times had he told the men at the bar to not even try it because she was "a loose cannon ready to blow?" How many times had he sat in his apartment, thinking about how she was probably running herself dry at the hospital? How many times had he let his emotions cloud his judgement when her pink hair and blue eyes and magnetic smile was all he could think about?
"I'd say you're wrong about that."
"What?"
"I let my emotions cloud my judgement a lot... more recently that before." He paused and took a deep breath after seeing the look of confusion registered on her face. "I said that you were incompetent as a jounin and ninja because I can't stand to think of you being in horribly dangerous situations that I can't save you from. I suppose... I want to save you from burning out."
"I don't understand, Sensei." But she did. She just wanted to hear it.
"When it comes to you, Sakura... my emotions are clouded all the time. I push you away because... I'm afraid of letting you in."
Sakura's eyes didn't fill with tears, but her smile grew. Is this what she had been waiting for all this time? This confession of his that he cared for her in a way that wasn't normal, that wasn't within the bounds of the ninja code?
But then she turned her hand and held his a little bit tighter. "Kakashi, I push you away because I'm afraid of letting you in too."