Author's Notes: Alright now I just came up with this idea yesterday on Christmas Eve and wanted to put it out before Christmas or on Christmas, so I stayed up and worked none stop for about nine hours. So I'll start by apologizing for any mistakes or grammatical errors you may find.
This whole one-shot is taken from an episode of South Park called Woodland Critters Christmas. Its episode is 814 and all I did was revise it to fit into Bleach.
On a note, I did my best to keep to the rhymes and I'm not very good at them, so keep that in mind when you read.
Anyway…ENJOY!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, nor do I own Bleach.
The Woodland Critters Christmas: Bleach Style
Way up in the other world in the middle of the Soul Society was the Seireitei.
The Main Street was being decorated all up and down.
Shinigami stood in long lines on patrol, sometimes waiting hours or more.
Because Christmas for Shinigami must be hardcore.
But out in the forest, not too far away...the little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas day.
They were all around a clearing, decorating a small pine tree, with ornaments and tinsel to a fantastic degree. And with there smiles and glee they sang and small song, while they finished their tree so what could go wrong.
"It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year,
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near,
A Woodland Critter Christmas!"
The little critters worked hard as they happily sangand each one of them had a quite interesting name.
There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear, Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer, Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.
And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of thatwas a surprised short girl, with two twin braids going down her back.
"What the hell?" Soi Fon said, with a scowl across her lips and her eyes brows rose high in surprise. She stood still for a moment, just watching the animals sing.
"Christmas time is once a year.
Every critter holds it dear,
Every animal big or small,
Christmas means so much to us all."
The critters took notice of Soi, stopping their song and approached the second division captain.
"Well hello there. Welcome to our forest." Rabbity said hopping over to her.
"How do you like our Christmas tree?" Skunky asked pointing over to their small little thing with glee.
Soi blinked once, wondering why there were small talking animals talking to her. "It's...nice." She replied, not sure of what else to say.
"Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest!" Beavery said with a squeal.
"Oh no, I see a problem." Mousey said with a frown.
"What is it, Mousey?" Deery asked, looking over to her cute little friend.
"Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star." Mousey replied, pointing up at the top of the tree.
"Ohhhhhhh." The critters all whined, their Christmas spirit dwindling behind.
"We can't have a tree with no star on it." Beary said, looking down in dread.
"What are we gonna do?" Rabbity yelled out, feeling dead.
"Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star." Squirrely said, being optimistic and trying to calm down his friends.
"Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us?" The critters all exclaimed, their eye filled with hope gathering around the petite captain.
"Okay, okay." Soi sighed, relenting, not wanting them to mope.
"Yay!!" The critters all cheered.
And so, using some paper and working with fake glee, the girl with two twin braids going down her back made a star for the tree.
"Ohhhh." The critters oh-ed and ah-ed.
"It's the nicest star I ever saw." Beary said raising his paws.
The little critters cheered once again and Beavery said with a smile. "How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?"
The girl with two twin braids going down her back, looked on at them blankly and said. "Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go back to my division."
"Good, goodbye Soi-y!" Beavery said with a wave.
"Goodbye, Soi-y! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your braids!" They rest of the critters all yelled with a rave.
"Wha? Oh whatever." Soi Fon said as she turned and left, walking back to her division. Oh boy she rather be accused of theft.
//-//
Later that night, in Soi Fon's bedroom laid Soi fast asleep in bed, a pillow firmly nestled under her head, though something made her stir awake and break her of her sleep. She turned over and turned on her light and there she saw all the critters in sight.
"Hi, Soi-y!" They all yelled.
"Oh, what the?" Soi said with a groan, as she dwelled.
Her friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise!The short girl smiled with joy in her eyes.
"Oh shove it!" Soi hissed at the narrator. "What time is it?" She asked with a scowl, getting out of bed.
"You aren't gonna believe what happened, Soi-y. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!" Squirrely exclaimed.
"Porcupiney is pregnant!" Skunky cheered.
"You guys, I have a lot of paper work to do in the morning." The second division captain said with another groan.
"I deduce the Shinigami doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization." Mousey said, crossing its small arms over its chest.
"Porcupiney is a virgin, Soi-y. Her conception was immaculate." Deery said.
"She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior." Foxy said with another cheer.
"...What?" Soi asked, her mouth open wide in shock. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day." Porcupiney said rubbing her plump belly.
"So soon!" Mousey exclaimed.
"How delightful!" Skunky added.
"Our souls are saved!" Woodpeckery said, flying around.
"Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own!" Chickadee-y also said, twirling in the air.
"There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in." Squirrely said sadly, feeling badly.
"Awwww." The critters all said looking down.
"But we got to have a manger." Beary whined.
"Can you do it, Soi. Can you build us a manger? Huh?" Rabbity asked with hopeful eyes.
"Of course I'll build you a little manger!" The short girl cried, and she winked at her critter friends and leapt to their side!
"Hey don't put words in my mouth you stupid Narrator! I would never wink and I don't cry with joy!" Soi said hissing once again to the Narrator.
//-//
And in the woods the girl steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head.
"Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw." Rabbit said happily.
"I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord." Mousey said smartly.
"Does this mean we can go to sleep now?" Raccoony said sleepily.
"My Son will have the nicest bed in all the forest." Porcupiney said softly, as she looked down at her belly.
"Fit for a king!" Woodpeckery exclaimed flying around.
"This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!" Squirrely said happily and with that they all sang together.
"It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year,
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near-"
"All right, I'm going now..." Soi Fon sighed her eye twitching in annoyance.
Just then a growl was heard behind Soi and out of the shadows of the trees, a big mountain lion walked out walking near our beloved Soi-bee.
"The mountain lion! Hide!" The critters all screeched with terror and darted behind the manger.
"Go away! Shoo!" Soi said waving her hand at the mountain lion, not the least bit afraid of it. She knew that she was much stronger then any animal. And with that, the Mountain lion backed up sensing Soi's reiatsu rising at the hint of hurting the little critters.
"Is it gone?" Squirrely asked, tentatively sticking his head out from behind the manger.
"I deduce it is." Mousey said taking a small look around.
"I'm not c-c-comin' out." Skunky stuttered, quivering away behind the back of the manger.
"Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant and he's gonna kill it again." Foxy said with a sigh, looking down with dread.
"Again?" Soi asked, lifting an eyebrow up in surprise, turning her body back, now once again facing the critters and back on track.
"Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord." Squirrely explained.
"Oh dear, I'm so very afraid." Porcupiney said sadly, holding her stomach.
"Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born." Beary said losing hope.
"Awwww." The critters all joined in, to mope.
"Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Soi-y!" Squirrely exclaimed remembering their new friend, bringing her back into the game.
"Of course! Soi-y can do anything! If she can build a manger, she can stop that mean old mountain lion!" Raccoony said, punching the air.
"Christmas is saved!" Porcupiney exclaimed with care.
Soi sighed. "Damn it all."
//-//
High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion, preyed on the the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat...
"Goddamnit, this is fucking ridicules." Said the short girl with two twin braids going down her back.
She looked at a cave entrance, then up at the peak, hoping to see or hear something, even a squeak. Killing the mountain lion was no easy task, but she thought of a plan, and she thought of it fast.
"Grrr. Grrr! Come on out! Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! Rawrrrrr!" Soi yelled out with a make-shift roar with her feet firmly planted on the floor.
The mountain lion leaped out of the cave and pounced right at the brave, though Soi knew what to do. She quickly leaped back and reached behind her pulling out her zanpakuto which seemed lighter.
In a flash it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
And in the cave entrance walking out of the dark, were three small cubs, which still had their baby marks. Soi's jaw dropped when she saw them not knowing that the mountain lion was a mother. "Oh hey there." Soi said softly, since they didn't know one another.
"Mommy? Mommy! W...wake up, Mommy, wake up!" The medium cub cried, all three of them rushing over to their mothers side.
"Don't leave us, Mommy. Shinigami, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why?" The pale cup whined.
"I...the...critters, their...bir-birth of a Savior?" Soi stuttered, feeling socked and ashamed.
The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried,all alone in the world because their mother had died.
"Aw. Awww!" Soi yelled in aspiration, feeling now frustrated of the whole situation.
//-//
And back on the forest floor it was night and the critters had set up a campfire keeping close to the light.
"Oooo." Porcupiney gasped out, holding her belly.
"You all right, Lady Porcupiney?" Beary asked with concern.
"Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all." She said in reassurance.
"Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Soi-ymust be very dead." Beavery said looking down once more.
"Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed her whole." Foxy joined in, adding to the dread.
"I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew." Rabbity said also, a tear coming to his eye.
"Awwww." The critters all yelled, once again losing hope.
"Wait a minute, look!" Chickadee-y exclaimed pointing out into the distance.
"Soi-y!" The critters all yelled with smiles and glee
"Soi-y, you're alive." Mousey stated.
"But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?" Beary asked tentatively.
"It's dead." Soi said with a small sigh, as she walked up to the clearing, her head pointed down and her lips curved down into a frown.
"For real and for true?" Deery asked with hope.
"Are you sure?" Beavery also asked.
"I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore." Soi said plainly.
"He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!" Squirrely cheered, throwing his arms up into the air.
"Hail Satan!" The rest of the critters all joined in the cheer, all celebrating in the clear.
"Wait, wha-what?" Soi asked, once again her jaw dropping open and her eyes opened wide.
"You've done us a huge favor, Soi-y! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!" Beavery said, looking over at the shocked girl.
"Yaaay Satan!" The critters all cheered for their lord and master.
"Wai-wait, the Antichrist? You said she was giving birth to your savior!" Soi yelled in anger, fists clinching at her side.
"Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness." Squirrely said as-a-matter-of-factly.
"But I thought you meant the Son of God!" Soi yelled angrily.
"Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?" Deery asked, raising an eyebrow at the anger filled girl.
"No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!" Chickadee-y screamed with cheer, twirling in the air.
"This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!" Foxy also screamed, his paw pumping in the air.
"Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!" Rabbity agreed with joy as he hopped around and the other critters cheered.
Soi was frozen to her spot, her mouth still opened wide while she watched Beary pull out a satanic altar on a small wagon with pride. And with a little help from Squirrely they both pulled it in the middle as the other animals took a hold Rabbity and brought him up to altar. Rabbity was propped up on the altar and laid on his back while Beary ripped him open with a pick ax. The other animals crowded in, tearing away pieces of the body eating his inner organs oddly.
((Note: Now I know that in the episode of South Park, that the weapon was big knife. It just didn't rhyme that well with the sentence.))
"Drink his blood! Drink his blood!" Chickadee-y yelled with a mouth full.
"Blood orgy!" Squirrely suggested lifting his head from the bloody mess.
"Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!" The other critters agreed with no stress.
The critters drenched themselves in Rabbity's blood and began to pair off around the alter with a thud. Then they all began their orgy and it wasn't a forgery. Beavery mounted Raccoony, Skunky mounted Porcupiney, Mousey mounted Foxy, and Beary mounted Deery. Squirrely hopped onto Deery's left ear and mounted that. All humping away, we// how about that. While Chickadee-y flitted around with joy and cheered its friends on which was just weird? And in the background was heard "Sting, so true!" And even now Soi is traumatization was in full swing.
"What special time and special day,
It's Woodland Critter Christmas."
The critters sang as Squirrely yelled. "Hail Satan."
And once they were done and at the forest floor the critters returned to the manger and decorated it as their chore. The star atop the manger was turned so it points down.
//-//
Owls brought flowers to the mountain lion's corpse, who now laid on her own alter which wasn't warped.
And in the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, the little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past,but now the good protector lay dead as the good owls meanwhile three lion cubs were crying them there would certainly be no Christmas Day and soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan of this because of the girl with two twin braids going down her back.
"Ugh." Soi groaned sitting behind her desk, back at her division, though there was no rest.
Now that she'd killed the noble lion queen,there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed.
"Uuugh!" Soi groaned again through gridded teeth, getting angry at the Narrator and reaching for her sheath.
"I know!" She said with a new happy grin. "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"
"No, no, no, no." Soi said shaking her head. "What did I tell you about putting words in my mouth?"
She ran out the living room, turned out the light and went back to the forest to set everything right!
Soi walked out of her office and back to her room where she hopped on the sofa and flopped back, turning on the TV where "The Jeffersons" theme song started to play.
...And went back to the forest to set everything right!
Soi looked at the show, willfully ignoring the narrator.
...She tried to forget all about it by watching TV.
Soi tried to change channels, but her remote was broken. She scowled looking down at it and then back to her T.V.
...But her conscience caught up with her and to the forest she did flee.
The captain's eye started to twitch in her annoyance from the constantly talking narrator.
...She thought she could hide from her problems, not true!
Soi rolls her eyes at that moment, her resolve for staying weakening.
…She knew in her heart the thing she had to do!
"Leave me ALONE!!" Soi screeched, tossing her head onto the couch cushion and buried her head with her arms.
She knew that only by going to the forest could she-
"All right, all right, all right! God!" Soi exclaimed interrupting the narrator and getting up for the couch.
//-//
Soi went back to the forest where she had built the manger and saw the critters still decorating with vigor.
"Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal Soi-y." Beavery said with a smile.
"Oh boy, Soi-y. You came just in time!" Woodpeckery explained flipping in the air.
"Yeah. We've got a big problem." Deery added.
"The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into." Squirrely explained.
"That way he could take over the whole world. The whole world!" Chickadee-y yelled with joy.
"The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ." Mousey said.
"We figured you'd be perfect!" Beavery cheered.
"Yay!" All the critters cheered.
"I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian!" Soi exclaimed.
((Note: Soi Fon's family probably isn't like that, but for the sake of this story, lets just say she is.))
"Awwwww." They all said, looking down, their mirth gone.
"But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist." Beary said.
"Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critter C-Christmas after all." Deery said close to tears.
"Now don't be down, y'all. Soi-y can help us find non-baptized heathen human." Squirrely said pointing over to Soi.
"Will you really, Soi-y?" Chickadee-y asked, hopeful.
"No! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! I came here to put a stop to all this!" Soi said with determination.
"To stop us?" Beavery said in disbelief.
"But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil satanic powers on ya." Beary said, his eye glowing red.
"Right, whatever. I'm taking down the manger I built. Ah! Aaaah!! Aagh! Aaaahh! AAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAH!!" Soi started as she began walking to the manger, but she stopped and yelled out, just as bursts of flames sprouted from the ground. The other critter's eye started to glow red too and crows came to Soi, pecking at her head. Just when she took another step closer to the manger, a two headed dog came out in a puff of smoke and lasted out at her making her back away.
"Oh boy! Our satanic powers sure did the trick!" Beary said with a laugh.
"Our powers get stronger every day, get stronger every day!" Chickadee-y said happily.
"Sorry Soi-y, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion." Squirrely said again as-a-mater-of-factly.
"And you got rid o'her." Skunky added in.
"Yay!" The critters once again cheered once again.
The girl shook with anger! She broke a sweat and fell ill,when she remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive upon the hill!
"Oh yeah." Soi said softly as she turned around and started to head for the she came to the mountain peek and looked into the cave.
"Hello? Anybody in there?" Soi called out, seeing three cubs crawl out.
"Oh no, it's the Shinigami who killed Mommy!" The dark cub screeched.
"She's come to kill us now." The medium sized cub said.
"It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways." The light cub said looking down.
"Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around." The dark cub said, with little sound.
"Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil." Soi said with a sigh, looking down at the little mountain lion cubs.
"You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, ma'am?" The medium sized cub said, lifting an eyebrow.
"I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion!" Soi exclaimed
"Yeah, and you killed her." The dark cub said.
"Well, you're mountain lions." Soi replied.
"Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth." The light cub said.
"And our baby claws." The medium sized cub said.
"And a dead mom." The dark cup added.
"There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby." Soi said looking over at the cubs.
"What? You mean like in an abortion?" The dark cub asked.
"Yeah. An abortion. That can work." The light cub agreed.
"But, we don't know how to give abortions." The medium sized cub said.
"Do you know some place we can learn, ma'am?" The dark cub asked.
"Where can they learn that?" The girl said with a frown. "I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town."
"What?! Damn it! I told you not to put words in my mouth." Soi exclaimed up at the Narrator.
So she picked up the cubs and down the mountain she took them to where abortions are performed.
"No, she didn't." Soi argued with the Narrator.
Yes she did.
"No, she didn't!" Soi yelled out.
Yes she did.
"No, she didn't!!" Soi said, once again, getting angry and agitated.
Yes she...did!
"Aw God damnit!" Yelled the girl with two twin braids going down her back. She suddenly popped into the small clinic, with the tree cubs in her arms, which she didn't want to mimic. In the back round the doctor was sitting in a small stool with a woman sitting back on a chair, with her legs spread wide open.
"We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!" The girl said.
"Excuse me, what are you doing here?!" The abortion doctor inquired."If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required!"
"I don't know, I…I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I...I know, it's ridiculous." Soi stuttered with a sigh.
"Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!It's only three days until Christmas, so I have LOTS of abortions to perform!Gather around my table, cute little lions,I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!" The doctor said with a smile.
And so the short girl and the cubs gathered around the chair baseand all day watched abortion after abortion take place.
Christmas music started to play in the background as the doctor put on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina, as flown in the background were doves. Soi stayed in the background, looking away a small blush on her cheeks. The doctor worked away happily and cleaned up well with the patient leaving with a happy smile as the next woman walked in. One of the cubs climbed up on the table wanting to get a better look but with his clumsiness, he couldn't took, so down went a bottled fetus to the floor, where it shattered near the door. The cub hopped hoped off when everyone looked, but the only thing that happened was a shook of laugher. As the doctor worked on the next patient, the dark cub brings him forceps getting the hang of it. The doctor smiled and stroked the cub's head as the other two cubs snuggle up to the patient instead.
"This better have a point. This really better have a point." Soi said with a scowl as she walked back to the forest, holding the three cubs.
//-//
"Christmas time is once a year.
Every critter holds it dear.
Every animal big or small,
Christmas means so much to us all.
It's once a year, its Christmas time!
And it happens once a year.
It's once a year, its Christmas time!
When we hear about how Christmas only comes,
Once a year."
The critters walked along singing their Christmas tune.
"Oh look. That little feller is all alone." Beary said pointing over to a taned, purple headed woman who sat back, leaning against a tree.
"Gee, she looks sad." Skunky said with a frown.
"Hi there!" The critters all greeted happily.
"What the hell?" Yoruichi said, opening her eyes and looking over to the talking forest critters.
"How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve?" Beavery asked.
"My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas." Yoruichi said with a shrug.
((Note: Alright again, I'm sure that Yoruichi's family dose...er, they might, whatever. Let's just say that they don't.))
"Aww, but why?" Raccoony asked, tilting its head to the side.
"Well, because, we don't really ...believe in Jesus." Yoruichi replied with another shrug.
"Yay!" The critters shouted with joy.
"But does that mean you aren't baptized?" Beary asked hopefully.
"No. I'm a noble." Yoruichi replied.
"Yay! Yay!" The critters cheered again.
"You've got to come with us!" Beavery said happily.
"You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!" Deery stuttered along.
"Huh? Alright whatever." Yoruichi said as she stood up and followed the little critters.
//-//
"Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!" the critters all jumped around in the forest with joy. "What special time and special day. It's Woodland Critter Christmas."
"Hail Satan." Squirrely chanted.
//-//
Twas the night before Christmas and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny red star hung in the sky. For the world to be saved there was only one shot. A little boy with three cubs and an abortion plot.
"Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born?" Soi asked as she walked in deeper, where the critters were stored.
"Sure. We know how to give abortions now." The dark cub said.
She arrived at the critter forest ready to fight,but then gasped when she saw a most dreadful critters were in and around the manger looking at the new baby, the Antichrist.
"Guys, we did it!" Beavery said happily.
"The critter Antichrist is born, bringing a thousand years of darkness to the forest." Squirrely said proudly.
The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's girl with two twin braids going down her back was too late.
"Too late? The hell is that?!" Soi shouted up at the narrator.
"Oh, Hiya, Soi-y!" Beavery said with a wave.
"Soi Fon! What the hell is going on?!" Yoruichi yelled out, being tied up to the satanic alter.
"It's Critter Christmas, Yoruichi-sama! It sucks ass!" Soi answered the older woman.
"Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host." Skunky said.
"Let's go! All right! Woohoo!" The critters all said.
"That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?!" Soi exclaimed, her fists balling in anger. She was so tired of this story.
When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard and a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird!
"W-wow, look, there's Santa Claus!" Beavery said pointing up.
"Yay!" The critters all cheered.
"Let's eat his flesh!" Skunky yelled out with joy.
"All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?!" Santa said as he landed on the ground and got out of his sleigh.
"We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Soi-y." Raccoony explained.
"Death and pain await all living things." Skunky joined in.
"Little girl, you should be ashamed!" Santa said to Soi.
"I didn't mean to help them, I, I tried to stop them!" Soi defended herself.
"Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters!" Santa said, reaching behind him and pulling out a shotgun.
"Aaaaah!" The critters all yelled, as he shot them and one by one, they went down.
"What the hell?!" Soi said in shock as Santa merely took aim and shot. Squirrely's eyes glowed red and out once again came flames from the dead. Santa simply hopped over the fames and shot Squirrely right through his brains.
"Come on, Yoruichi-sama." Soi said as she ran over to the older woman's side and untied her from the alter.
"Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you-" Beary started but was cut off by a bullet to his head.
"But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist?" The dark cub asked the big man after he was finished.
"Don't worry everyone. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into."
"No. No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!" Yoruichi yelled out.
"What? Yoruichi-sama?" Soi asked looking over to the tan woman.
"With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the nobles!"
"Don't do it, Yoruichi!" Santa exclaimed holding his hand out to her.
"Yoruichi-sama!" Soi called out after the older woman, just as Yoruichi took hold of the Antichrist and fused with it.
"Yes, yes!! Now the nobles will take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!!" Yoruichi shouted with joy.
//-//
"Oh, stop it, Kisuke!" Yoruichi shouted at the blonde haired man, hitting him over the head.
Kisuke, Yoruichi, Soi Fon, Tessai, Jinta, Ururu, Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Chad and Uryū were all sitting in the living room of Kisuke's shop listening to him tell a story.
"Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story!" Yorucihi yelled out at her best friend.
"I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU when you read your Christmas story aloud, Yoruichi-san." Kisuke said as he brought his white fan out and fanned himself.
"First of all, you've got my character all wrong. I would never let myself be captured so easily. Second of all...of course I celebrate Christmas. Being a noble has nothing to do with it. And thirdly…I'm the only talking animal around here!" Yorucihi complained with a huff, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Well if you don't want me to read my story anymore, then fine, I'll stop." Kisuke said with a smile as he put down his story.
"Well but, but what happened?" Orihime asked leaning in.
"Yeah. Did Yoruichi-san bring a thousand years of darkness or not?" Ichigo asked, also interested in the ending.
"What happens to the lion cubs?" Rukia asked.
"Well, I guess we'll never know, because Yoruichi-san doesn't wanna hear how it ends." Kisuke said, with a small smirk.
"No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went back to my division for Christmas, right?" Soi asked. She was also curious about what happened at the end of the story.
"Little bee, why do you care?!" Yoruichi exclaimed, looking over to the petite woman sitting next to her.
"Well after all that, I at least want to know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the earth." Soi said softly, with a small blush on her cheeks.
"Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved!" Yoruichi grumbled.
"That's not at all what happens, Yoruichi-san." Kisuke said as he continued to fan himself.
"Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end." Orihime said, looking over to the tan woman.
"Yeah yeah, come on!" Ichigo added in.
"All right, fine!" Yoruichi grumbled once again.
Kisuke nodded his head, a victorious smirk on his face as he picked up the small stack of papers in front of him and started to read again. "Oh dear, Yoruichi-sama is possessed! How about that?" said the little girl with two twin braids going down her back.
//-//
"HAHAHAA!! Now I shall rule the-aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa. Oh, I don't like this! I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil!" Yoruichi shouted with evil glee, before she curled over in pain.
"Well what did you expect, Yoruichi-sama? It's the son of the Devil." Soi said.
"Oh God, what have I done? I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist." Yorucihi said as she clinched her chest, breathing hard.
"I'm sorry, but it's too late, Yoruichi. Santa's gonna have to kill you!" Santa said, holding his shot gun to her.
"No Santa, don't!" Soi yelled out.
"We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside her will consume her soul." Santa replied.
The short girl fretted. She almost started to bawl, but that's when she came up with the best idea of all.
"The lion cubs!" Soi said with a grin. "I took them to see how abortions are done.
"What?" Santa, asked in disbelief.
"Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast!" Soi started. "Get the Antichrist out of Yoruichi-sama's ass!"
"My what?! Oh fine whatever!" Yoruichi yelled and leaned back on the alter.
And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion. They remembered all they had learned and gave Yoruichi an abortion.
The dark cub reached deep and hurriedly pulled, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeded and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a stump and then grabs a large mallet next to the bump. He raises it over his head, and brings it down
upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits like lead.
"Thanks, everybody. I-I'm sorry I got a little crazy there." Yoruichi said, rubbing her arm in embarrassment.
"Well little girl, it seems that YOU have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year?" Santa asked, looking over to Soi.
"Yeah, yeah, there is." Soi said with a smile.
And back to the lion's cave, they all did go, as Santa came up to the mountain lion's corps. He moved his hands over her releasing some magic dust up came the lion, without a fuss.
"Weh, ah my, what happened?" The mother lion said as she opened her eyes and looked around.
"Mommy?" One cub asked.
"Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy!" The other cubs cheered with joy.
"Ogh, good." Soi said happily as she and Yoruichi went back to have a Chirstmas of their own.
And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat. And it was the best Christmas ever for the girl with two twin braids going down her back.
The End.
//-//
"Now can you all guess what Soi Fon-son and Yorucihi-san did when they got back to the second division? I'll give you all a hint. In involves no clothes and a bed." Kisuke said, with a smirk on his hips.
"Goddamnit Kisuke! Leave my love life out of these." Yoruichi exclaimed with a blush on her cheeks.
"Haha, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."
THE END
Review please; I worked my fingers raw on this. ^_^