Swinny Toodles: The Drunken Barber of Fleeting Avenue

by nekohonabara

Benji Bakeman threw away his name when he was taken away from his one and only, Johunna, his daughter, not his stupid wife. She's the last of his worries. As the doting father he is, he adopted the alias "Swinny Toodles," to rescue Johunna from the seductive clutches of the sex god, Judge Turnpike. With the "help" of his trusty aid, Mrs. Hatehtt, they started tearing shit up.

"I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders. From the Dardanelles, to the mountains of Peru. But there's no place like Lond-"

I'm back, bitches! Being away from London so long has me thirsty for more booze. There is no booze where that son of a bitch sent me. What a prick.

I hiccuped. I just got done drinking beer. Mhmmm beer. Made me happier than a squirrel clutching his new-found nuts. I got lucky these sailors kept a stash. Bastards are always trying to score with women. They drown out their sorrows with my friend, alcohol.

"Mr. Toodles!" said Antoin Hopeless. God, was he annoying. Always breaking out into song. If you ask me, I would rather listen to High School Musical.

As you can see, we are currently on board a ship. Its destination: London.

"Mr. Toodles!" screamed Antoin. "You interrupted me in my moment!"

"Big whoop, the babes want to see me and my vampire-like looks. Not your school boy, diaper looking face fresh out of sail boy school. You're still young, kid."

Antoin gasped. "How dare you. You know, why the hell were you lost in that place anyway?"

My expression turned grim. "I don't want to talk about it, boy."

He wasn't giving up. "C'mon, . You can tell me." He said.

I looked at him like he stole the last cookie in the cookie jar. I sighed, "Okay, fine. I'll tell you, but you must promise me you won't laugh.

Antoin nodded and got ready for Mr. Toodles' epic 'Story Time.'

"There was a barber and his wife. She wasn't the prettiest. They knew each other since they were babies, but as they aged she insisted on getting married. He thought like an asshole and said no. Then, she had a bitch fit. She was clingy and conniving. He was THE MAN." I said, popping my collar.

"There was another man who saw her. He know she wasn't the prettiest. Judge Turnpkie, his name was. He was the hunk of handsome of the law who, with a gesture of his meaty hand could make any women swoon. He tried everything, but couldn't get the wife to leave the barber. The judge wanted to have his way with her, but she was acting all 'hard to get.'"

I continued. "The judge sent me packing to try to win over my wife. The bastard could've sent her away instead. I could've been with my daughter, Johunna, right about now. She was my pride and joy. My daughter inherited my good looks." I sighed, lovingly. "Don't ask about how she was conceived." I stated to Antoin.

I shivered. I do not want to remember that horrible night. It brings tears to my eyes and not the good kind.

"Then his wife waited for him every damn day! She was psycho! And she wouldn't give up! Like I said, the bitch was crazy. Judge Turnpike would wait for her outside of our shop with bars of gold. Yet, she stayed home and home schooled Johunna! She could have taken his gold and gave Johunna a better education!" I gripped my temples. That stupid wife of mine gets me so riled up.

Antoin spoke up. "And did she go with the hunk?"

"Oh, that was a long time ago. I doubt if anyone in this stupid town would know..."

I shook my head. "Enough about this. You heard my story and I'd like to thank you Antoin. If you hadn't saved my ass, I'd be lost in that damned foreign country."

He smirked, "I hope to not run in to you again. Hey, your daughter might have grown into a fine piece of ass."

Damn annoying brat. "You might find me if you like; around Fleeting Avenue. Please don't."

Antoin nodded. "Until then, not very soon I hope."