"Deep inside where nothing's fine. I've lost my mind." –Avenged Sevenfold
o.O.o
It's the little things, he knows, that they all notice first.
He takes his coffee straight black, no sugar. He recalls Morgan, particularly, teasing him about it quite often. His friend's voice echoes in his mind, a memory many years old now. "Easy there tough guy. Have some coffee with your sugar." But sugar with coffee was a luxury not awarded in prison, and now he is too in the habit to stop.
He doesn't eat, either. A few handfuls of a snack or two to stave off pleads from his friends, but not enough to obtain real sustenance. Nothing has flavor. The textures are all wrong. He has no appetite.
It all begins to spiral out of control from there.
Signs of claustrophobia are everywhere. He avoids enclosed spaces as often as possible. He chooses taking the stairs over riding an elevator. In the car, he rolls his window down and keeps his face turned to the wind. Office doors stay open when he enters. He sleeps mostly on his couch, but when he chances a go at his bedroom, that door stays open, too. JJ notices this after she begs him to spend the night at her home hoping for some kind of intervention. The first few times they board the jet for a case, he hyperventilates.
He doesn't sleep much because when he does, he is plagued with nightmares so strong that he makes himself sick. Everyone is concerned. He knows he should be too, but he isn't. Rossi volunteers to share a room with him while they're on a case. No one dares argue, not even him. The nightmares come with a vengeance, like they do every night, but Rossi is there this time. He speaks softly to Spencer in the darkness of the room until Spencer's erratic breathing has evened out and the tears have stopped. This time, sleep is peaceful.
He looks at himself in the mirror and hardly recognizes himself. The wild look in his eyes has somehow manifested itself into his unruly hair. His raccoon eyes are prominent on his near translucent face. He is frail and thin.
Some memories send him into an almost catatonic state. Emily starts to think they're absence seizures. The first time it happens, she threatens to bench him. He apologizes and insists he is fine.
He is jittery and shaky and skittish. The migraines are back. Curse words have become a part of his every day vocabulary. The simplest of things set him off. Sometimes he can't even pinpoint what it is. He snaps at his colleagues and throws things in frustration. When they ask how they can help, he tells them he is dealing in his own way. One day, Emily makes the mistake of asking if "dealing" involves drugs.
They get another case, this time in Maryland. He is thankful for the simple pleasure of making the trip by way of car instead of jet. He is sitting in the passenger seat of the SUV while Luke drives when a fresh wave of memories hit him. He shoves the heels of his hands into his eye sockets willing the visions to go away. An irrational part of him believes if he shoves hard enough the force will send his cursed eidetic memory through his skull and he will finally be free. Later that evening, Luke finds him sitting on the sidewalk behind the warehouse crime scene in the midst of a complete breakdown. He sits beside his partner and when Spencer is ready to talk, he listens. When he is done, Alvez suggests a therapist, the same he saw when he returned from his first tour overseas. Spencer saves the number to Dr. Jonathon Hughes in his phone and promises to schedule an appointment the minute they return to Virginia.
He scares himself. The way he storms into arrests now unblinking and finger itching to pull the trigger. The way he hates himself and is constantly pushing himself to greater lengths than are humanly possible, even for a genius like himself. The way he constantly beats himself up and blames himself for anything and everything that is out of his control. He scares himself because he is everything he never was.
He overhears Prentiss and Rossi arguing one day, and it fuels him with a new mixture of rage and betrayal, but also great disappointment and chagrin.
"I shouldn't have let him come back so early, but he passed his psych eval and I knew there was no stopping him," he hears Prentiss say. She sounds exhausted and worried. Very not-Prentiss.
"Of course he passed." Rossi's deep voice is soft, resigned. He is trying to hide his own worry by consoling Emily on her decision. "Just give him time."
"He is going to get himself killed. Maybe someone else." Emily's voice catches, even through the door. "I cannot live with that on my conscience, Rossi."
Neither can I, he thinks.
o.O.o
"Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die." –Danny Baker