METAL GEAR PLASMA
By RavenZERO and Liquid Snake
Yes, the crazy mofo's who brought you Snake's From Across America have returned to question (or destroy, either one works) the moral values of modern society. And this time we're back with a vengeance (DUM DUM DUMMM!)
Disclaimer: That's right! Weeeeeee're back! And as always, the rules are simple. This is an R rated fic, in which no stone shall remain unturned, no man shall emerge unscathed, no mind shall finish reading completely sane, and no piece of machinery will be spared a savage beating! Enter at your own risk.
Also, we don't own Metal Gear Solid (though we should), so don't sue us! All we have of value are our PS2's and, bass guitar (Shadow's), a copy of High Fidelity (also Shadow's) on DVD, and our copies of DOA2: Hardcore (You'll have to pry them from our cold, dead fingers!). Any jokes we steal or media we rip off, we didn't make. The original designer gets full credit. However, our original song lyrics are ours and ours alone! Stay away! Alright, now, on with the show!
Location: Shadow Moses Island, Fox Islands Archipelago, Alaska…
In the cold waters of Shadow…or maybe it was Dark…no, Shadow Moses Island, a lone figure swam forward. As he emerged from the water, the figure activated a headset he had brought with him.
"Colonel, we need to talk." Solid Snake said in a gruff voice.
"What about?" Replied Colonel Roy Campbell (the man, not the soup.)
"You shot me out of a torpedo tube. I think I deserve an explanation you bastard!"
"Oh, yeah, about that…well, this is for the good of the country."
"I'm retired."
"Yeah, but this is America. That doesn't really mean anything."
"Alright, alright… so, what was it you wanted me to do?"
"You know damn well what I…Snake, are you listening?"
"Uh…yes…" Snake slipped the August issue of Playboy back into his pocket.
"Oh, just get going."
Snake signed off and began to move. He crawled over to an elevator, and rode it up to the helipad. There he heard voices.
"Head into the light…."
Sorry, wrong voices.
"What is this?"
"It's…a…biplane…sir."
"A BIPLANE?!?! I ask for a Hind-D and you give me a BIPLANE?!?!"
"It was all they had…"
"Don't give me that, you dickhead!"
Snake peeked around a corner, and saw Liquid Snake, terrorist mastermind, chewing out a young guard. Next to them was a bright red biplane with "Property of Baron von Manstein" written on it. Eventually, Liquid just shot the soldier.
Snake would have watched longer, but a call from the Colonel stopped him.
"Snake, here is someone you ought to meet. Say hello to the mission Doctor, Naomi."
"Hello, Snake," The British-sounding woman said.
"Oh, the spy-bitch."
"Whaaaa?! You're not supposed to know that yet!" Naomi exclaimed in surprise.
"I read ahead in the script. By the way, what's up with that dorky British accent?"
"Uh…I'm going to put you through to our analyst, Mei Ling."
Snake saw an image of a young Chinese woman appear."Umm…hello, I'm, Mei Ling. I'll be your technology analyst…" She said nervously.
"Ooh, you fine…er, I wanna screw you…er, I mean, I wanna feel you up…"
"I can't believe the famous Solid Snake is hitting on me! Your technique is so eloquent."
"Sure is, bitch! Er, thank you. By the way, what's up with your lisp?"
"Hwhat Lishp? I dn't havve a Lishp."
"Yes you do!" Snake said angrily.
"No I don't!"
"Okay, okay, so we've got a brit, and a chinese girl, what next?" He grunted.
"Oh, I forgot to introduce you to our weapon analist, uh, I mean analyst, Nastasha Romanenko…" The Colonel interrupted.
"Hello…" Said a Russian voice. "My name iz Nastasha Romanenko, and I vill be your weaponz analyst…" She said.
"Oh great! Okay, we've got a british spy-bitch, a chinese girl who just got out of puberty and has a lisp, and a russian chain-smoker 'who talkz like thiz!'" Snake whined, mimicking Nastasha's accent.
"Well, Snake, that was sure uncalled for…" Naomi said.
"Uncalled for, but necessary…" He said, smiling like a total jackass.
"Doesn't 'uncalled for' mean it's not necessary?" Mei Ling asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Hey, shut up over there! Colonel, I vote no more comments from the peanut gallery, got it?"
"Snake, they're your support staff, not the peanut gallery! That's YOUR job!"
"But, I like peanuts Colonel…" Snake whined.
"Okay, Snake, I'll make a deal with you. You stop these evil sons of bitches, and I'll buy you a deluxe bag of peanuts."
"You promise?" Snake asked happily, sounding like a little kid.
"Okay, get on with the mission…"
And so, Snake went on with his mission, and finally found his way into the tank hanger, after finding a SOCOM pistol lying around (with ammo, miraculously), and shooting a few random guards. Once inside, he got a Codec call from someone on his radio.
"Snake, this is Master Miller…" The voice said.
"Hey Liquid! Wazzzzzzzupp?!!!!!"
"I'm not Liquid, I'm Master Miller."
"I read through the script already, you're Liquid Snake, my genetic brother, right?"
"Well, um…yes, I am." He said uneasily.
Awkward silence.
"Well, seeya around bro." Snake said, signing off. He ran through the tank hanger, snapping necks everywhere he went, until he proceeded down to the first floor basement. He finally made it to the DARPA chief's cell.
"You seem like a very violent person…" The DARPA chief said.
"Why do you say that?" Snake asked.
"Well, all I could hear outside my cell was this weird snapping sound…"
"Oh…that…well, ya get used to it after awhile…"
Outside the cell, they heard the familiar snapping sound.
"That was it!" The chief said. All of the sudden, the chief started having a heart attack, and died.
"Hm…must be some secret government secret or something…" Then Snake saw something in the chief's pocket. "Oh, my mistake, it must've been these pork rinds…"
After eating all the pork rinds, Snake exited the cell, only to find a naked guard, dead, ass up, and a FAMAS rifle pointed at his head.
"Don't move!" A female voice said.
"Theoretically, it is impossible not to move, since I have to breath, and answer your question…" Snake said smugly.
"Ahh! Too much thinking! You're making my head hurt!" The woman in the soldier's uniform said, gripping her head with her free hand. Snake took this ample opportunity to draw his SOCOM pistol, and point it in her face.
"Umm…" The woman said, her eyes widening. "Hey look! Porno!" She said, pointing over in a random direction.
"Where?!" Snake said, looking all around for the non-existent pornography. The woman turned around, and ran in the opposite direction, but not before Snake could get an eyeful of her butt.
"Whoa…sweet…" He said in awe.
Well, that's all for now! More from the wolfman and the cat dude, thing, after these messages…
Liquid Snake: Ah, shut it Raven!
RavenZERO: No, you shut up! [Takes out an AK-47 and jumps into his Blade Liger]
Liquid Snake: No, YOU SHUT UP! [Grabs a shotgun and jumps into Metal Gear Rex]
BOTH: DIE!!!!!