"Bring us the GOAT and wipe away the debt." The words rang in Shaq's ears as if his mind was an echo chamber. He did not know what events brought him here, to this lighthouse off the coast of Maine. All he knew was that he needed to complete that most simple of missions: bring us the GOAT and wipe away the debt.
He ascended the winding staircase and reached the lighthouse's apex. There, he was greeted by the DVD's of his three greatest cinematic accomplishments; Kazaam, Blended, and Grown Ups 2. He removed a scrap of paper from his pocket, looked at the code, and tapped it onto the three movies. The hatch opened, and Shaq crammed his 7'1" frame into the comparatively tiny leather chair. Before he could truly register what was happening, Shaq was fifteen thousand feet above where he started. The floating city of Colombia emerged, its skyline taking Shaq's breath away. While Shaq wanted to think that he would have time to sightsee, he knew there was a mission at hand.
Upon landing, Shaq couldn't help but notice how many of the townspeople were wearing very nice tennis shoes. While he was at it, he saw the Hanes logo on all of the socks and underwear in the shops. "This place sucks. Where's the Gold Bond?", Shaq mused. As Shaq continued down the street, he was greeted by a banner the size of a skyscraper displaying Michael Jordan, hailing him as "Our Prophet". Shaq was intimidated by both this ostentatious display of power and Jordan's Hitler-esque moustache. A shiver ran down Shaq's spine as he remembered his purpose and continued forward. He needed something, anything, that would help him find this "GOAT". He wandered the streets of Colombia, looking for anything that could be a clue. Soon, he wandered to the edge and nearly fell off of this floating city. "Woah," Shaq thought, "that would not be a Shaqtacular end!"
Shaq regained his balance, took a deep breath, and saw something of interest on the horizon. His eyes focused on the large brass statue in the shape of Charles Barkley's head. Although this didn't seem relevant to Shaq, he was compelled to walk towards it. On his way, the street got more and more crowded. Soon, Shaq was brought to a standstill by the mob of people.
"Hey, what's the deal with all of these dudes?" Shaq asked a bystander.
"They're all waiting to get into the Colombia Fair and free throw contest!" the stranger replied.
"Free throws? I've got a bad feeling about this..." Shaq said.
The mass of people eventually made it into the gates. Shaq, being the only black person in attendance and at least a foot taller than anyone there, stuck out like a sore thumb. He tried his absolute best to fly under the radar despite these facts, and he had almost made his way through when he was stopped by a carny.
"Hey, you there! You're tall and black! You're probably great at basketball!" The carny called.
His ego getting the better of him, Shaq began to brag about his four NBA championships.
"Well, we've got this free throw contest going on and you sound perfect for it!"
Shaq began to panic. "I'm not sure if that's the best idea."
"Why wouldn't it be? You seem like a natural!"
Despite Shaq's protests, the carny sheparded Shaq into the center of the fairgrounds, where a basketball court waited. The carny handed Shaq a basketball and stepped away. Shaq's heart was pounding, sweat beading on his temple, as he took a deep breath. His monsterous hands gripped the treads of the ball. He bent his knees, cocked the ball back, and launched the ball gracefully into the air. Once he released his shot, a wave of confidence washed over him. The ball seemed destined to go in from the very moment of release. The ball begun its descent, gaining speed on its downward track. The ball then hit the ground, almost halfway between Shaq and the basket. The crowd was stunned into silence. The carny charged up to Shaq and grabbed his arm.
"Where did you learn to shoot free throws like that?" the moustachioed officer asked. He glanced at Shaq's hand, and spotted something sinister. The foretold mark of the false GOAT was on Shaq's hand.
"Is that an IcyHot patch on your hand, boy? Don't you know that makes you the false GOAT?" the carny asked.
Shaq tried to run away, but he was then surrounded by policemen. Rather than try and kill the policemen, Shaq dunked over six policemen in one go, making the remaining policemen run in shame.
"That was a close one," Shaq said. "I better be more careful next time." He continued towards the Charles Barkley-shaped statue, beckoning him closer.
He ascended the winding staircase and reached the lighthouse's apex. There, he was greeted by the DVD's of his three greatest cinematic accomplishments; Kazaam, Blended, and Grown Ups 2. He removed a scrap of paper from his pocket, looked at the code, and tapped it onto the three movies. The hatch opened, and Shaq crammed his 7'1" frame into the comparatively tiny leather chair. Before he could truly register what was happening, Shaq was fifteen thousand feet above where he started. The floating city of Colombia emerged, its skyline taking Shaq's breath away. While Shaq wanted to think that he would have time to sightsee, he knew there was a mission at hand.
Upon landing, Shaq couldn't help but notice how many of the townspeople were wearing very nice tennis shoes. While he was at it, he saw the Hanes logo on all of the socks and underwear in the shops. "This place sucks. Where's the Gold Bond?", Shaq mused. As Shaq continued down the street, he was greeted by a banner the size of a skyscraper displaying Michael Jordan, hailing him as "Our Prophet". Shaq was intimidated by both this ostentatious display of power and Jordan's Hitler-esque moustache. A shiver ran down Shaq's spine as he remembered his purpose and continued forward. He needed something, anything, that would help him find this "GOAT". He wandered the streets of Colombia, looking for anything that could be a clue. Soon, he wandered to the edge and nearly fell off of this floating city. "Woah," Shaq thought, "that would not be a Shaqtacular end!"
Shaq regained his balance, took a deep breath, and saw something of interest on the horizon. His eyes focused on the large brass statue in the shape of Charles Barkley's head. Although this didn't seem relevant to Shaq, he was compelled to walk towards it. On his way, the street got more and more crowded. Soon, Shaq was brought to a standstill by the mob of people.
"Hey, what's the deal with all of these dudes?" Shaq asked a bystander.
"They're all waiting to get into the Colombia Fair and free throw contest!" the stranger replied.
"Free throws? I've got a bad feeling about this..." Shaq said.
The mass of people eventually made it into the gates. Shaq, being the only black person in attendance and at least a foot taller than anyone there, stuck out like a sore thumb. He tried his absolute best to fly under the radar despite these facts, and he had almost made his way through when he was stopped by a carny.
"Hey, you there! You're tall and black! You're probably great at basketball!" The carny called.
His ego getting the better of him, Shaq began to brag about his four NBA championships.
"Well, we've got this free throw contest going on and you sound perfect for it!"
Shaq began to panic. "I'm not sure if that's the best idea."
"Why wouldn't it be? You seem like a natural!"
Despite Shaq's protests, the carny sheparded Shaq into the center of the fairgrounds, where a basketball court waited. The carny handed Shaq a basketball and stepped away. Shaq's heart was pounding, sweat beading on his temple, as he took a deep breath. His monsterous hands gripped the treads of the ball. He bent his knees, cocked the ball back, and launched the ball gracefully into the air. Once he released his shot, a wave of confidence washed over him. The ball seemed destined to go in from the very moment of release. The ball begun its descent, gaining speed on its downward track. The ball then hit the ground, almost halfway between Shaq and the basket. The crowd was stunned into silence. The carny charged up to Shaq and grabbed his arm.
"Where did you learn to shoot free throws like that?" the moustachioed officer asked. He glanced at Shaq's hand, and spotted something sinister. The foretold mark of the false GOAT was on Shaq's hand.
"Is that an IcyHot patch on your hand, boy? Don't you know that makes you the false GOAT?" the carny asked.
Shaq tried to run away, but he was then surrounded by policemen. Rather than try and kill the policemen, Shaq dunked over six policemen in one go, making the remaining policemen run in shame.
"That was a close one," Shaq said. "I better be more careful next time." He continued towards the Charles Barkley-shaped statue, beckoning him closer.