The Fine Line
Summary: Ty Lee doesn't like Princess Ursa. In fact, she might even hate her. She has never told anyone this, but she thinks that the Princess knows, because she sometimes feels her eyes piercing through her, quietly considering.
Pairings: Barely mentioned Maiko.
Warnings: Abuse and self-hatred.
Thanks to Fire Lord Azula for betaing!
Ty Lee doesn't like Princess Ursa.
No, that's a lie.
She hates Princess Ursa.
She has never told anyone this, but she thinks that the Princess knows, because she sometimes feels her eyes piercing through her, quietly considering. Maybe that's just her guilt talking. Sometimes she feels bad for thinking such mean things about Zuko's mother.
But whenever the Princess looks at her, she doesn't see anger or superiority in her gaze. She sees compassion and understanding. That just makes her hate her even more.
She hates the way Princess Ursa always tries with Azula: tries to win her affections, to spend time with her. Like Azula even cares. Can't she take a hint? (But Ty Lee does the same thing, doesn't she?)
And she especially hates the way Ursa treats Zuko: nice, comforting, motherly. (But that's what moms are supposed to do, isn't it?)
She sometimes thinks that she hates everybody, everybody in the whole wide world.
Sometimes it scares her how much she hates.
Sometimes it doesn't. And that's worse.
She maybe hates Azula and Mai too. Just a little. Not often, and not a lot, but it's still there. Azula because she's cruel and Mai because she's disinterested.
The Fire Lord is cruel too – and here she is thinking such traitorous thoughts, because maybe something inside of her is broken, a little. Not like Azula and Mai, but close to it. That's probably why they get along as well as they do, though they look as unlikely as three friends could be.
She hates Zuko too, of course. More than she hates Azula and Mai, but less than she hates other people. She feels like yelling at him to stand up to his little sister, then she immediately chastises herself for being a hypocrite.
Besides, you can't choose your family. Oh how Ty Lee knows that.
That doesn't stop her hatred though, which means that she is stupid and shallow like Azula always says she is. Because she doesn't even have a good reason for not liking the Princess.
Maybe it's because Princess Ursa is so nice and perfect, always does the right thing. Maybe it's because she's so kind and caring. Maybe it's because she's so calm, so unlike Ty Lee's own mother in every possible way.
She doesn't even know why she doesn't tell anyone. Azula would understand. Azula hates her mother too. At least, that's what she says. Sometimes Ty Lee thinks that Azula doesn't really, but she never says that out loud.
She's glad that she doesn't see the Princess often; she catches glances of her in the corridors or at the turtle-duck pond with Zuko, but for the most part, being friends with Azula means that she doesn't come in much contact with the Princess.
So when Ty Lee receives a formal invitation from Lady Ursa to dine with her, she's surprised. She stares at the neat handwriting inked on the cream-colored paper and fights the urge to crumple it up.
Her family's reactions are predictable. Father expresses a vague enthusiasm and calls her the wrong name again. Mother looks at her like maybe she's not dirt on the floor. Her sisters titter and flutter around, tugging at her hair and her clothes. Ty Lee hates her sisters. Hates that they all look like her and act like her and talk like her.
She loves Mother though. And she hates herself for that. Because she knows that she shouldn't, knows that Mother hates her for not being a boy and not being smart or special or good enough. But she can't help but hope that one day Mother will look on her with proud eyes.
Ty Lee is just a shell full of hate, a shell that smiles and giggles and tries too hard to be different.
But when she sits at the table across from the Princess, she doesn't look different. She looks the same as her sisters, with her hair pulled and twisted up into a painful knot, and wearing a cute little red outfit that is horribly common. Ty Lee tries not to fidget too noticeably, but she's uncomfortable. Her head hurts. Princess Ursa's eyes flick up to her hair, taking in the pins that dig into her scalp.
(Her right arm hurts too – Mother had grabbed it tightly, wrenched and squeezed as a reminder to be on her best behavior – but the Princess doesn't notice. This is one of those things that people don't tend to pay attention to. The Princess, though observant, isn't so unusual in that regard after all.
Ty Lee hates her.)
They're sitting in a lesser-used room that opens up into one of the palace gardens. Sunlight streams through the glass doors and illuminates the gold threads running through the red tablecloth.
"Why did you invite me to have lunch with you?" she asks politely, if only to break the silence.
The Princess smiles her gentle smile, and Ty Lee sees the shadows behind it. You're just like me, she thinks. You're not so perfect.
"Well, I couldn't get you to talk with me any other way, could I?"
Ty Lee blinks up at her. "What do you mean?"
"You don't like me very much." It's not a question.
Panic stirs. She may be only eight, but she knows that to tell her the truth would be a very bad idea. "Of course I like you. Who wouldn't?"
"Please, let's no have any lies here. You can speak honestly." It's stupid (she's stupid) but looking at her earnest face, Ty Lee believes her.
She knows what Mother would say. What her sisters would say. Lie to her. Deny everything. Get on her good side.
"You're right," she says instead, because she is not her mother or her sisters. She is Ty Lee. "I don't like you." She immediately cringes internally at her audacity. If Mother was here, she would do so much more than slap her or squeeze her arm too tight.
But Mother isn't here, and she exalts in the freedom for a brief moment before being dragged back down into reality. The Princess is nodding, like she had expected that answer. "Why?"
This is the one question that Ty Lee has dreaded, because she doesn't know why.
She realizes that this is the first time she has talked to Ursa face to face for any extended length of time. She's been hating Princess Ursa for all this time without ever having spoken to her. How silly. How stupid. How just like her. She still hates her though, she thinks.
Don't judge a scroll by its casing, as the saying goes. So that's Ty Lee then. Judgmental and hateful and nobody notices (nobody ever notices) because she wears a vapid little smile.
It burns her up from the inside out.
She is burning and burning and no one notices.
No, that's not quite true. Ursa notices. She sees her. Something like panic tightens up Ty Lee's chest. Suddenly, she can't concentrate. She is being scrutinized by this polite, demure woman who is nothing like her own mother –
But now's not the time to think about that. She's going to break her chopsticks if she clenches her fingers any harder.
She looks up and smiles uncertainly in lieu of an answer, takes care not to show her teeth. Sometimes she can get away with pretending to herself that she is barring her teeth when she smiles. This is not one of those times.
She looks away and picks at the ornate tablecloth. When she realizes what she's doing, she stops immediately.
The Princess sighs when she doesn't receive an answer. She raises her arm and Ty Lee flinches, but she's just signaling the servants who are waiting at the other side of the room. They come to the table carrying plates of steaming food, all her favorite dishes.
"How…" did you know?
"I asked Azula," she says.
Ty Lee winces. She can imagine how that conversation went. Although she can't imagine Azula knowing what food she likes, let alone caring. She's gonna get grilled by Azula later, she just knows it, and she almost glares at Princess Ursa. She doesn't though, because she's stupid and bitter but not that much.
When she makes no move to start eating, the Princess pushes a plate of spicy dumplings forward. "Eat. I invited you to lunch, didn't I?"
She can't refuse a direct order. The dumplings burn her tongue and make her eyes water but she doesn't stop eating. They clear her head and give her a chance to compose herself. She dares a peek across the table as she eats. Princess Ursa's posture is perfect and she handles her chopsticks without fumbling.
Her feet feel pinched. She toes her shoes off and hopes that no one notices. Her stomach is uncomfortably full, but she doesn't want to stop eating. That would mean that she has to hold a conversation with the Princess.
"You don't have to smile if you don't want to."
The words startle her out of her thoughts. "Huh? I mean, pardon?"
"It just makes you hurt more on the inside."
Ty Lee bites her cheek until she tastes blood. "I don't hurt."
The Princess's gaze is too knowing and too compassionate. Ty Lee is seized with an overwhelming desire to make her sad.
Azula hates you.
She could say it, just to see the look on her face, but she doesn't. Because she gets the feeling that Princess Ursa already knows. Probably more than her.
They don't speak of anything important for the rest of the meal. The Princess asks questions of her life, how school is going, and her hobbies. Ty Lee answers her but she knows that she doesn't really care. Once, the Princess mentions going to see the Fire Nation Circus. She says that Ty Lee could be an acrobat there, if she wanted.
"That's not for me," Ty Lee says, and the bruise on her arm throbs.
"How do you know?" she asks.
"I just do." The truth is, she's already considered the idea of running away and joining the circus, but she'll never do that, because she's a good daughter and she listens to Mother.
"You can never really know until you try," the Princess says, and she's looking at Ty Lee so intently, like she's trying to tell her something important. Her gaze is unwavering and Ty Lee is transfixed, but then the moment passes.
The meal comes to a close and Ty Lee nibbles at her dessert. Usually, she loves fruit tarts (Mai's influence), especially with green tea ice cream as a side dish, but today she has to force herself to eat. She doesn't want to finish; she wants to spend more time with the woman sitting across from her, strange as that sounds. She knows what is waiting for her at home.
Mother will be angry that she wasted her chance to become closer to the royals. She's already mad enough that Mai's getting the betrothal contract to Prince Zuko and not her. Being favored by the Princess would have increased her family's standing in court.
But Ty Lee finds that she really doesn't care. She'd rather have one honest conversation with this woman than the hundreds of lies that she exchanges with Mother.
She frowns. Something is tingling at the edge of her consciousness. Something important. The idea that has been niggling at the back of her mind for a while now is becoming clearer.
The reason that she hates the Princess so much is because she's not her mother.
This realization makes Ty Lee feel as if she's been doused in ice-water and her mouth parts in surprise. She numbly listens to the Princess as she speaks, but her mind is far away, racing a million miles a minute.
"Thank you for your company, Ty Lee. I believe that was the most pleasant lunch I have had in a while. I hope you'll think about what I told you."
Ty Lee nods absently and says nice things. The Princess smiles that odd, sadly gentle smile and turns away. Ty Lee suddenly wants to demand that she tells her the meaning of their conversation, because she's sure that she's missed something. But she doesn't, and just watches Princess Ursa's retreating back.
A week later, Fire Lord Azulon is dead. The Princess is gone. And Ty Lee smiles.
A/N: This was based off of the idea that Ty Lee secretly disliked Ursa. When I started writing it, I wasn't really sure what direction it would take. So I'd appreciate any feedback.