Contains Spoilers of 609-610
Ever since she became even mildly infatuated with him, everything that Ellie Nash ever thought about Craig were "What If" questions always constantly nagging at her. She wanted to know, "What if he likes me, finds me as utterly amazing as I find him?"
She had wondered often what was going through his head, somewhere deep in a place she could neither see or understand. She wondered if he was ever thinking of her in the sort of way she was thinking of him, a mind-numbing pound that made it impossible to think of anything except for how badly she wanted to be with him. She had often wanted to know, what if she had ever asked him what he was thinking of.
During band practices she often wondered, "How are you coming up with this miraculous music out of nowhere?" She thought it was incredible, the way he had just felt it. And the way he could inspire her, wrapping his hands around hers and teaching her the right beats. And she wanted to know, "Why are you holding my hands when you could perfectly well just demonstrate for me?"
And in nights as she lay awake after he went away, she wanted to know, "what if it had been Craig that one day in detention, instead of Sean?" Would if have been Craig, tickling her back as she tried to sleep, with Craig that she would waken up each morning spooned into. Could it have been Craig that could have looked into her eyes and knew her thoughts, Craig to be the one making love to her as the sun rose, Craig to be the one that put up with her mom harassing him?
And each day she had watched him with Manny, "What if Craig had cheated on Ashley with me?" It was an awful thought, really. She couldn't imagine putting her best friend through the misery Manny had caused, bloodshot eyes and tears and songs written. Would it have been Ellie to become the school slut? Would it have been Ellie to become impregnated by Craig, Ellie to start Craig's family? She almost couldn't believe all the possibilities she had missed, almost couldn't believe the chances that she had skipped over.
Now she could hardly believe it, and wondered endlessly. Useless wanderings of the mind, wishing away what has been for what could have been.
And what if Manny had never showed up to the band gig at the wedding? The disaster would not have been, and Ellie was sure it would have been the night, slow dancing to the DJ's song and whispering to Craig, slowly making sure he felt the same way. She knew that if Manny had never come, all the bad things in their respective lives would not have happened. Ellie knew that that night, it would have been Ellie and Craig, Craig and Ellie, holding hands, slowly moving in for a first kiss. She had already been prepared, already even bought the lip gloss, even marked the date on her calendar.
And then one day she miraculously found herself over him, partying with Marco, hating her one-day roommate, living a room away from Marco and Dylan. Bringing them breakfast in bed when she knew they had classes, she had contentedly found herself a third wheel in a life-long romance. And didn't even mind in the slightest. And only occasionally said to herself, "What if Craig had found a music career in Toronto?"
She found herself so over him, she was able to step forward. She found herself in secret embraces with Jesse, writing for the paper, happy as she ever had been. Living far away from her mother. Living even farther away from Craig.
And then he had come back. Come back to introduce Ellie to lies, lying to himself to keep himself out of pain. He had come back to show his old friends his new life. And though she wanted to, Ellie knew she could not fix him. She knew that he had to fix himself. She knew that as much has she wanted to lay beside him and kiss him and watch as he flushed all the cocaine away, he was not going to do that. And she had still wondered, "What if he meant it when he said he loved me?" She couldn't bear the answer so she walked away before the plane took off, trying to convince herself she didn't care about his well-being, didn't want to know unless he had for sure quit the drugs.
She kept wondering, though.