Sorrow and Regrets

Disclaimer. I don't own the characters, I just like to let my imagination run wild with them.

A/N Hi everyone, just a quick one shot while you're waiting for one of the full length fics I'm working on. Thanks to Keye Cullen for pre reading for me, you are a star.

I warn you at this point it's unbetaed, so please don't be offended by any misplaced commas.

Leaning back in the hard plastic chair I let my head swing to scan around the cafeteria. The place is quickly becoming crowded as the student body file in for lunch. The sound level rising as the tables fill up. Several dozen conversations all happening at once, blurring the air with a swarm of dismembered voices and opinions, too many for me to pick out a single voice.

Is this what everyday sounds like to him?

The usual crowd are assembled round our table. The ring leader Jessica glancing around as she drones on, telling some inane tale of how she caught Mike Newton feeling up a girl from the year below ours behind the bleachers. She's completely engrossed, leaning forward and gesturing with her fork, her cheek merely inches from Angela's face as she pours the gossip directly into her ear. Eric and Ben are both opposite me, their chairs turned in to each other as they discuss some homework assignment. I sigh quietly and turn my face away.

I see him then, just a glimpse of chiseled jaw and wild, bronze hair as he strides purposefully past the window and my heart flutters. He looks unhappy. His face set into a determined frown; the unearthly beautiful features hard like stone. Under my breath, I count up the number of paces he needs to take before he will reach the door and lick my lips with the anticipation of seeing him again.

"Edward." I say his name aloud as he walks past and his face twitches, only for a fraction of a second and he quickly composes himself. It's the only clue to show the world he heard me. No one else would notice, but I did and it made me smile to myself.

He can pretend to ignore me all he likes, but I know he heard my voice. It gave me a feeling of empowerment. As haughty and untouchable as he is in his statuesque perfection, I made him flinch with only one word.

It was enough for now.

I watch as he collects the wooden tray then orders a bottle of water and a slice of pizza. He won't consume them of course, he never does. I've watched him closely and for long enough to know his routine. They are props, used to deflect attention. Always picking, never bringing to his lips. Shuffling round and destroying the evidence of his lack of appetite. He is smoke and mirrors. A compendium of little tricks, all employed to hide the truth from those he walks among. A carefully constructed facade to keep the dreadful reality from being exposed.

From my chair I can stare at him freely. No one else will notice where my eyes are directed. Wrapped up as they are in petty discussions. I am invisible.

I wonder if he can feel my stare boring into him. I look for any tell tale signs, stiffness in his shoulders, a flex in his jaw, or a cringe in the line of his lips. He seems oblivious, his eyes fixed on the plate of decimated food before him.

My dissection of his demeanor is cut short when his sister, Alice settles on the empty chair to his left. She watches him with a pained expression, lightly touching her palm to his forearm. He shakes his head slightly and she looks even more saddened.

I frown, infuriated by their silent conversation. They are often this way. Alice will give him a look and he will return with a slight shrug or nod. Small gestures to answer without words. A strange kind of telepathy to bind them closer than siblings ought to be.

He looks in my direction and my eyes meet his. They are steely; cold and hard, the eyes of a killer and as much bravado as I felt when he walked into the room, I can't hold his gaze for long. I sigh and study instead the surface of the table top, splaying my fingers wide as I slide my hands over the smooth grey melamine and grip on to the edge.

After a while I risk a glance in his direction. His attention has shifted away from me. He is distracted, toying with the unopened bottle of water, shredding the label with his thumb nail. His lips are pursed and his brows drawn together. Even troubled he is breathtaking. It is not so hard to see why I fell in love with him.

Love. If you asked for my definition of love it would be simple, the giving of oneself freely to another in the hope they will reciprocate. I held up my end of the bargain; gave him my all while he greedily took.

That night in the forest he pushed the first domino over. Toppling it caused a chain reaction beyond any of our wildest imaginings and by the time the final one had fell it was far too late to ever set things right again.

So, he must live with the consequence and, much as he would like to ignore me now. I will not be denied. He owes me that much.

My table has cleared and I notice Edward rising, silently clearing his tray of broken food to the rack before he leaves. I allow him a head start, after all I know where he is heading and I will meet him there.

My days here are filled with routine. History, English and Gym classes. In trig I sit next to Angela, I like her she's a quiet girl and it suits me not to listen to any more gossip. She is much easier to stomach than Jessica and her fascination with the trivial and fantastic. I could never tell her that of course, I let her jabber on and try not to roll my eyes too much.

Finally I move to stand and surprise myself with how low I have slunk in the chair. With no time to waste I drag myself up and trot briskly along the corridor to Mr Banner's class.

Edward is already seated when I arrive, his eyes downcast as he fingers the corner of a thick text book, curling up the edge of the pages. He is lost to his thoughts. I muse if I could read his mind would I like what I would find? Maybe he's rerunning the events of that night? My memories are one sided and I wonder if he remembers it differently? The raging monster unleashed.

I always knew what he was; he never tried to hide it from me. But to be there while he morphed into a cunning and vicious killer was a terrifying experience and one I would remember for eternity. I watched wide eyed as his lips curled back, exposing his sharp teeth and allowing the deep reverberating snarl to escape his chest. His eyes seemed to darken as they narrowed, fixing on to his prey. Even his posture changed, he seemed to grow more solid and menacing as he crouched low, fingers clawed, ready to pounce.

I shake my head to rid it of the ugly image before sliding softly into the seat alongside him. He doesn't acknowledge me, then again I didn't expect him to.

Mr Banner starts the lesson. Edward seems to be struggling to hold his composure together. With one finger he pokes a hole in the wood at the edge of the desk. His strong jaw flexing as his teeth grind together.

"Don't take it out on the furniture." I whisper. In the past I would have said it with a smirk, a well meaning tease. But today my words are scolding.

He gasps softly and immediately stills his burrowing finger.

"I'm sorry." he murmurs, so softly I barely catch it. I know he's apologizing for more than the damage to the desk, but it's too late. No simple words can erase the past. What's done cannot be so easily undone.

I don't speak again. Although I take the opportunity to silently study his profile as he fixes his gaze on Mr Banner. Masculine and angular. He could have been sculpted by Michelangelo, he is a masterpiece. My savage beauty.

Is he still mine? Am I his?

The final class of the day is gym. I'm not in the mood, so I do something out of character and skip the class, deciding instead to stroll through the thick and ancient trees that surround the rear of the campus buildings. Before long I find myself drawn to the place where it happened. It feels strange to be here again, my anxiety grows as I search the ground, fully expecting to see some evidence of the struggle, scuff marks carved into the soft earth where sneakers fought hard to escape, a disturbance of the moss on the tree trunks and rocks where bodies rolled and were crushed, or maybe a darkened patch on the floor where blood was spilled. I snort to myself as I realize how unlikely he would be to waste a single drop of such a precious fluid. Nature has quickly reclaimed the land for itself, covering up the testimony of that night's terror with fresh spongy growth. Even a seasoned investigator like Charlie would be hard pressed to uncover the truth here, assuming of course he knew this spot existed in the first place.

I can't be here any longer. Too many memories and all still too raw.

School will be finishing soon. I wind my way back to the car lot and quickly pick his car out among the old junkers and trucks. Sleek, shiny, pristine. A diamond among coals. I don't wait for long. I spot him striding across to me, the rubber under his feet barely making a sound against the smooth asphalt. I try not to stare at the way his body flexes under the thin fabric of his grey t-shirt. My pulse quickens at the sight and I loath myself for the way I react. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. A beast tethered within a cage of ethereal beauty. Ignoring me, he reaches deep in his pocket searching for the key fob.

I huff to myself and he speaks.

One word; softly spoken, almost a sigh. "Bella." His silken voice rolls over me, still holding the power to make me melt. I wish I didn't feel this way. I want to hate him, to slam my fists against his hard, marble cheat while I pour out my disgust for what he is.

"Edward." My simple answer, but still enough to make his eyes close as he flexes his jaw.

The door locks click and he holds the door wide for me. A gentlemanly gesture, belying the raging fiend beneath this poised surface.

We travel to his home in silence, the thick tree lined canopy of green spreading over the road and dimming the light. Shadows and darkness, so much like his blackened soul.

"I'm sorry." For the second time today he apologizes. He is more than capable of looking across the seat while keeping control of the car but, instead he keeps his eyes on the road as we speed along, the tarmac blurring under our wheels. I notice then how unusually quiet the car is. Normally this space would be filled with his beloved classical music, soft lilting refrains building to powerful crescendos but today there is only the oppressive silence, punctuated by his soft words.

"I know." There's nothing else to say. I can't offer him forgiveness. His sins are too great but, there is still a part of me that reacts to see him in pain. Although I want to hate, I can't seem to stop loving him. I still feel it, the wave of excitement when he looks in my direction, the rabble of butterflies in my stomach when he smiles. I am forever cursed to walk this tightrope between love and hate.

"I mean it. I should never have lost control like that." I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and try not to listen. I don't want his words to bring the horror back, giving me nightmares to relive in the daylight.

"It's your nature. It's what you are." Vampire, predator, precision killer.

"No!" He yells, startling me with the force of his voice. He never shouts and for a moment I wonder whether the monster will appear again. "I try hard. . .I don't want to be that. . .I. . .I Argh!" he wails, a heart wrenching bellow as his fingers tighten on the steering wheel, squeezing the leather into the shape of his grip. His face contorts as he sobs without shedding tears. "I loved you. . .I still love you. I'm so, so sorry."

I give him the gift of silence. Time to ride out his regret. He fists at his hair as the car accelerates to it's top speed.

He pulls sharply off the main road and before long the Cullen house comes into view. Smoothly, he pulls the car up in front of the impressive, modernistic entrance and turns to me.

"No one else is home." His acute hearing still catches me off guard sometimes. "Will you stay with me, please?"

Where else would I go? To Charlie's? Spend my time sitting in the threadbare armchair while he finds comfort at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Watch him slip into oblivion as he regrets the day he offered a room to me. No! I am destined to spend my time with Edward, pricking his conscience and forcing him to stay on the straight and narrow. A constant reminder of why he must resist his nature.

"It's why I'm here." My tone is flat; all excitement at the prospect of spending time alone with him has long since dissolved. Everything changed when he revealed the snarling animal he conceals. It changed our plans. I have to accept we will never marry and he will never change me. For that at least I'm grateful. I think I viewed his condition with some measure of romanticism. Pictured him like a character from a fairy tale, a toothless beast who could be tamed. I had a lucky escape. I see now what it truly means to be a vampire and realize I wouldn't want to be infected with that particular brand of poison, sentenced to spend an eternity wrestling with the fiend that lurks within, restrained but always coiled to pounce should an opportunity arrive.

A small, sad, crooked smile tugs at his lips and my traitorous heart aches to reach out to him. A strong instinct to trail my fingers along his jaw and tell him things will be okay. But instead I picture his naked rage and force my body to hold still.

I follow him to his room, his feet falling heavy on the polished wooden stairs. My own make no sound as I watch him, his shoulders hunched.

This house is impressive. An elegant design. I had thought it a beautiful home but, with only us here it feels silent and eerie. A fitting mausoleum for living statues to dwell in.

He holds the door open, his manners impeccable as always and I slip past him. I couldn't be sure, but I thought I heard him inhale sharply as I pass. Was he trying to catch the scent of my hair? He did love to bury his face against my shoulder. Unconsciously my fingers rise and twirl a lock against my nose. I glower. He has forfeit the right to be so close to me. My lips press tightly together, refusing to give passage to the insult I want to hurl at him.

I'm in his room. The inner sanctum. Center of his universe and the place where he can be himself. My fingers trail reverently along the row upon row of lined up CD cases. A proverbial wall of sound. This part of the room seems acutely personal. His choice of music revealing more about the man, if that's what I should call him than anything else in here.

There are scant other possessions. Little to give any clues to his existence. Some books, a beautifully crafted soft, leather chaise lounge and a couple of photographs, one of us together, in happier times, clinging to each other as smiles take over our faces and one I know is of his mother. As in many black and white images from a century ago she looks stern, her face serious. He once told me she was kind and gentle and her eyes were green. I peer a little closer and notice the resemblance, although his are irises currently burnt orange, still retaining a little of the blood which stained them deep red not so long ago.

He looks uncomfortable with me being here, shuffling his feet and staring at his toes as if he had never seen his feet before. It is strangely satisfying to see him reduced to this, finally nervous in my presence.

"I've missed you," he mumbles and I raise an eyebrow in surprise. "We all have."

I think of his family and feel a twinge of guilt for wanting to make Edward suffer. They were always kind to me, they did me no harm, even if they were each so very capable of doing so. Maybe I am wrong, being too hard expecting him to deny his nature. I close my eyes and the image of him is burned against my lids. His face feral, a savage beast. Out of control, the veins in his neck bulging as his eyes roll up, mocking the heavens while drinking his fill. I stiffen as a wave of fear rolls over me.

"You ruined everything." I know my words will cut him deeper than any knife. He screws up his face, pressing the heels of his tightly clenched fists into his eye sockets. "We had a future planned and you threw it away like it meant nothing."

"Don't you think I know that? I live with it every day." He picks up the half read book he had left out on the chaise and hurls it across the room. I flinch as it whizzes past me before colliding with his music collection, dislodging several CDs. They clatter to the floor and the sound echoes loud through this almost empty space. As if he were a marionette whose strings were cut, his body seems to loose its strength and he slumps to the floor. His shoulders shaking with the force of his sorrow.

"You were the one Bella, after all these years, I found my mate. Do you have any idea how much it crucifies me to know I can't ever put things right?"

"What do you expect? My sympathy? You think perhaps you are the victim here?" He grimaces at my choice of words, drawing himself up from the floor.

"No. I'm a monster." He looks defeated and my hatred wanes. "I had everything I ever wanted and I destroyed it in an instant."

"I loved you so much." His eyes tighten as my words sting him. "It's the only reason I'm still here."

His expression morphs into a frown as confusion overtakes his anguish.

"What do you mean?"

"After it happened I had the chance to leave, but I needed to see you again." I remember the blinding light, a feeling of warmth and contentment washing over me as I resisted, fighting with everything I had to escape the soft winding tendrils as they sought to draw me in.

"But, Bella..." He looks worried for me. I shrug, unable to regret the decision that kept me close to the important people in my life. "What if you don't get the chance again?"

"It was my decision." My face is determined, arms crossed over my chest. He sighs heavily and looks out the large picture window at the swathe of huge trees stretching out to the horizon.

"I wish I could hold you." He sounds broken, his back to me. I dig my nails into my palms to stop myself from stretching out to him. He doesn't deserve my comfort.

The evening was drawing in round us, the leaden darkness making it hard for me to keep my footing. Edward held my hand in his and a protective arm around my waist, supporting me as he pulled us along. We were carefree, happy and laughing as we walked through the trees, slowly making our way towards my home. Just as young lovers should be.

Without any warning Edward froze. His hearing picking up on the cries of pain before I ever could. My mediocre human hearing unable to pinpoint the source of the sound.

"Stay here and wait for me." He let go of my hand and disappeared into the gloom. Beyond the leaves I could hear the sounds of a struggle. My fear rising, making me feel sickly. I knew he thought he was the scariest thing in these woods, but the 'what ifs' wouldn't stop dancing round my head. What if someone was attacking him? What if it was another more aggressive vampire, or even a pack of wolves? Edward might be hurt. The seconds stretched like hours and he didn't come back. When I heard the strangled cry. I didn't hesitate. Something was wrong and I had to find him.

Clumsily, I burst through the foliage in time to see Edward wrestling an angry black bear. The animal was on its hind legs, straining to snap at him. Edward's arms were extended, holding it at bay, his shirt torn and his exposed skin smeared with dirt and blood. I smelt it then, the salty coppery tang. It made my stomach roll.

"Bella. I told you to wait for me." He was angry, turning his face to me as the bear tried to bite at his chest. I stood frozen to the spot, eyes wide as I watched Edward make his move. With unprecedented speed he twisted round and pinned the mighty beast to the ground before sinking his teeth into its thick, fur covered neck and ripping a hole to suck it dry.

I'd never seen him like this. Wild and savage. My legs felt unstable and I stumbled. I was so transfixed with Edwards behavior I hadn't spotted the injured dog that the bear must have been attacking. As I put my hand out to save myself I brushed against its wounded hind leg and it turned to snap at me.

I didn't even notice the wound. The blood trickling down my forearm and dripping to the floor, but Edward did. In an instant he cast the now dry carcase aside and spun on his heels, sniffing at the air.

"Edward." I stuttered, instinctively knowing my gentle love wasn't in control any more. "You're scaring me."

He ignored my plea, stalking towards me, his eyes glinting menacingly in the semi darkness. My heart was pounding, adrenaline spiking in my bloodstream as my body geared up to run, a natural but futile response. I knew I couldn't escape him.

Slowly, I backed up, my feet tangling in the undergrowth, causing me to loose my balance. He never took his eyes from me. This was his true self, the hunter and I was his prey.

His face was a mask of pure evil. More frightening than any wild animal would be. At least with a lion or a bear you stood the chance they might get bored and turn away, but I knew with Edward there could only be one outcome.

He was carefully closing the gap between us, his lips curled and his tongue snaking over his sharp teeth, lapping at the venom that was already pooling in his mouth. I knew my blood was the most tantalizing he had smelt and now, with it dripping openly before him he was working on autopilot, helpless to resist.

Still, I crept backwards, never daring to break eye contact with him. He carried on his advance, snarling under his breath. He was completely unrecognizable to me now.

"Please, you don't have to do this." I could hear the panic in my voice but it only seemed to heighten his excitement for the kill, his manic grimace widening as his fingers flexed by his sides, ready to grab hold and pin me down. "Please, Edward. . .I love you."

Tears were streaming down my cheeks when I felt my back hit against the spongy bark of a tree. I knew I was trapped.

He threw his head back and sniffed another huge lungful of air. The scent of my fear rousing him enough to let out a low rumbling growl. He crouched low then sprang forward.

The breath was forced from my lungs as he slammed into me. I tried to struggle, an automatic reaction, my feet pushing against the damp earth as I crumpled under the sheer weight of him. For a moment he was still and I managed to gasp a single breath before he hurled me round, snarling as he pressed me up against a cold, slippery rock. The back of my head hit hard against the stone and I started to black out.

I gave up resisting as I drifted in and out of consciousness. One of Edwards hands was at my throat, His long fingers stretching out the skin. This wasn't going to be a quick kill like the bear, this was going to be savored. He bent his face to me, running his tongue from my collar bone to my ear. He lingered over my pulse point, groaning as he felt the blood moving under my skin. It was a sensual touch and terrified as I was, my body reacted. This was life and death, sex and want all wrapped up in one final act. His other hand ran along my waist to clutch at my breast as he finally sank his teeth into my delicate flesh and slowly began to suck.

I whimpered, struggling to focus on him while he drained the life force from me. He was in ecstasy, veins protruding, eyes lifted to God. It was an expression I had fantasized about seeing on his face but I wanted it to be the result of tender lovemaking, not like this.

The pulse was beating loud in my ears as my life ebbed away under his hands. My breath hitching as the beat of my heart slowed then finally stopped.

Silence.

For a while there was only blackness, a comforting blanket of nothingness, soothing my wounds and holding me safe. Next came the light; blinding and pure, sucking me in and claiming me. It felt warm, like floating in a heated swimming pool. I allowed myself to drift, enjoying the quiet calm, but something wasn't right. It was too soon. I hadn't lived. I wasn't ready to leave.

I struggled to pull away, fighting against the draw with everything I had. Finally, I forced my eyes to open and I saw it. My body drained and broken, lying limply in his arms. The monster had slunk away, only Edward remained, softly cradling my lifeless form as he wailed in remorse. He knelt on the forest floor for what seemed like hours, the wet dew soaking into his jeans as he begged me to open my eyes and breathe, gently nudging my shoulder while his fingers tried to hold together the gaping tear in my neck.

"It's too late. I've gone." I didn't even know I had spoken aloud until his head whipped up, flicking in my direction.

"Bella!" He gasped. His fingers stilling on my cold, greying flesh.

I suppose I should have been scared, the realization you are dead should surely come with a degree of shock, but there was nothing. No pain, no cold, just an eerie calmness.

"Edward, can you hear me?" He swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes scanning wildly in the direction of my voice, wanting to find me. "Can you see me too?"

He shook his head, a look of regret and fear across his now angelic features.

So it began. I followed as he carried my body deeper into the woods, burying me in a shallow grave dug by his own hands before rolling a huge boulder over the spot where my corpse would rest undisturbed. He scratched a letter B in the surface of the rock with his thumb nail, turning it into a headstone of sorts then after saying some simple words we left for his home.

I don't know why he can hear me, I'm not the first he's killed, but maybe I was the only one who wanted to stay. There is a certain irony here. When I was alive, I was the one person whose thoughts he couldn't hear, now I am dead he is the only one who can hear me.

He is grieving for me, for us, his sorrow compounded with the guilt of knowing I died at his hands but, I'm not here to salve his pain. I'm here to remind him of what he is. I will have my revenge. I will remind him daily of what he lost. I am the ghost of his indiscretions past, free to walk with him for the rest of eternity. Like him I will remain forever the same, never aging and never fading away.

A/N Aww, poor, haunted Edward. I tried to write something different. I know it was lemon free, but I hope you still enjoyed it anyway. If you've made it this far, why not be brave and leave me a review?

Take care

Claire x