The following is a fan based Parody, I do not own Harry Potter, this is for purely entertainment purposes and any opinions expressed or implied are meant purely for those entertainment purposes and not the actual opinion of the author who is a big fan, except the opinion about Hufflepuff, screw those guys!
A large table was the focus of the room. It was a glamorous table, carved into a perfect circle from an oak so fine you knew that at least one ecosystem had died alongside the tree. And chairs surrounded the table of course, the circular form making it so that every Teacher who sat at that table, be they Ravenclaw, Slytherin, or Gryffindor, sat from a position of complete equality. But not Hufflepuff, cause screw those guys. And Dumbledore was pleased with this equality amongst the Teachers and Houses, glad to see equality within the table that he had created, as he sat at his 10 foot thrown he had built for himself, so that he could look down on the beautiful equality he had formed. Except for the Hufflepuff's, because seriously, screw those guys.
Dumbledore cleared his throat, and began the staff meeting.
"Now that we are all here, I bring this monthly staff meeting to order." Dumbledore declared.
"Well technically sir Professor Sprout isn't here yet." Professor McGonagall said.
"With all do respect Minerva, she's a Hufflepuff, what can she contribute? How do deal with not being accepted by the notable Houses?" Dumbledore quipped.
A hearty round of "here here's" quickly sounded by the Teachers before Dumbledore circled the table to receive a round of High 5's from the staff. After a quick vote the motion that Hufflepuff's were only good for helping other Hufflepuff's deal with the fact they'd been rejected by the three notable Houses of Hogwarts was carried unanimously by the staff, including Hufflepuff member Professor Burbage, who excepted quickly that being the Professor for Muggle Studies was hardly convincing evidence for the idea that Hufflepuff's could make notable accomplishments.
"Anyway, as I was saying, the monthly Hogwarts staff meeting has began. We have three new items to discuss today. Firstly, the defence of the Philosophers Stone." Dumbledore explained.
"We've all worked together to create a defence that prevents anybody gaining possession of the Stone." McGonagall informed Dumbledore.
"And we've done a very good job if you ask me. Some of my best magic." Professor Flitwick gleefully chirped.
"Yes, but I'm afraid we've all done rather too well." Dumbledore commented.
"What do you mean, too well?" McGonagall asked.
"Well, while those incantations from Professor Flitwick which mean that anybody who enters the room instantly triggers your Transfiguration spells which turn the walls into 40 foot Ninja Tyrannosaurus Rex's armed with proportionately sized AK-47's will certainly stop evil doers, they'll also stop me from entering as well." Dumbledore declared.
"But why would you want to enter?" McGonagall asked.
"Well Minerva, apparently I forgot the moment where you also became the wizard He Must Not Be Named feared the most, but if you must question my order very well." Dumbledore said bitterly. "I have many reasons. The Philosophers Stone is very pretty for a starter. It's nice to look at. Secondly there is the Mirror of Erised, which I also enjoy looking at Minerva."
McGonagall sighed. Dumbledore had played his best card for winning an argument. If she mentioned the Mirror, Dumbledore would undoubtedly mention that all he really wanted was a nice pair of socks for Christmas. This would lead to presents he'd instead got for Christmas as a topic of conversation. That would finally lead to the fact she had been inconsiderate enough to get him for Christmas the book that he had wrote, which as Dumbledore had pointed out many times from that moment onwards, was completely illogical, because he'd already read it, what with him writing it, and that it was the equivalent to buying an Elephant Troll his own tusks, and the sort of person who did these things should be shot. That was the abridged version of the conversation at least. The full version went on for 30 minutes and contained a quick song and dance number which showed off Dumbledore's ability to find words that rhymed with atrocity.
He'd really wanted socks for Christmas.
She'd also bought him some Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Beans, and that had just caused another rant of its own.
McGonagall decided she best not get him started again. She valued her sanity.
"Very well, we'll make it easier to get through." McGonagall sighed.
"Good, make sure it involves riddles and board games. I like that, but not too hard. I don't want to be held up too long." Dumbledore asked. "Secondly Hagrid requested we built a fence around the Forbidden Forest, we've lost fourteen first years already this year, four because of the Forbidden Forest, and he's rather irate."
For a brief second second the staff quickly stopped to mentally count. Ten first years. One had impaled themselves on the Astronomy Tower learning how to fly a broom. Three hadn't known which way to hold their wands when casting the obliteration spell. The remainder were officially classed as dead, though no one could ever be sure given that the students found sobbing where the Defence Against the Dark Arts Classroom used to be had only been able to repeat the words "The horror!" over and over again, and been completely unhelpful in providing information on where the missing class-mates might be. One more had jumped into a Cauldron on a dare, though this was officially counted as natural selection than a death on School Records.
First Year was always the difficult one.
The Staff for a second felt embarrassed over the whole events, and mentally vowed to do a better job, and that this time they really meant it.
"Eight now sir." A near by ghost said, a pale white image of a normal looking young student, except for the fact that his left arm, rather than being attached to its left shoulder as is the expected thing, was now stabbed thorough his stomach. "They told me the Forest would be fun, but they were wrong. Please don't allow anymore to die like me."
"Unfortunately P-Professor, any spare money we did have has been gone with my special requests for D-Defence Against the Dark Arts." Professor Quirrel explained.
"Ah yes, the Unicorn Blood, Dark Hoods and Dragon Egg." Dumbledore remembered. "Well I'm sorry young boy, but I'm afraid we're going to have to let a few more die before we can fence up that Forest. Not to worry, nobody has died playing Quiditch yet this year remarkably, so our mortality rates are for below the normal levels. And if we don't count the whole Troll incident and the Owl attacks, I'd say we're at a new record for this time of year."
"The stuttering man was the one who killed me sir." The Ghost Boy cried, pointing to Professor Quirrell, apparently being rather inconsiderate and ignoring Dumbledore's words.
"Ah, that brings me to the final point Quirrell, Professor Snape has accused you of trying to kill one student. Is this true?" Dumbledore asked.
"B-B-But, well, this is all v-very, I mean..." Quirrell stuttered.
"Oh, you misunderstood the question, I meant do you intend to kill only one student?" Dumbledore asked again.
"Well I suppose that is sort of the situation."
"Well than I guess we can tolerate that, but only one." Dumbledore explained, before noting Snapes far from impressed expression. "I'm sorry Severus, but come on old friend. Do you really want to go through the hassle of hiring a new Professor. It's hard and expensive. And we have no money! It's all being spent on lawyers and compensation. In case you hadn't noticed this is a dangerous school. We have stair cases that move whenever they want, a serious ghost problem and we can't use the Third Floor, seriously, the whole third floor, how on Earth do we get to the fourth floor, cause I don't know! And Like you're so high and mighty, you killed a student the other day."
"In my defence when Second Years handle deadly poisons bad things normally happen." Snape snapped back.
"Well lets not play the blame game Severus. We've dealt with all of today's issues, I say we conclude and go have some Butter bear before I'm off to London."
"Why London sir?" Flitwick asked.
"I have to appear in an advertisement for Chocolate Frogs with the first Wizard to use magic to make his beard sentient. We really need the money. Now anyway, Butter bear!" Dumbledore declared.
"What about Professor Sprout? She's been done for sometime now. In fact last I heard she was teaching a class about Hentai Tentacle Plants. They can be dangerous." Professor Babbling asked.
"With all do respect, screw her, she's Hufflepuff, to heck with her! Now Butter Bear!" Dumbledore reiterated.
And after Dumbledore had a quick round of High 5's (with Dumbledore briefly focusing on Snape so that he might provide a 5 up high, and attempt one down low, only to discover he was too slow) they went off for Butter bear, and some general drunken fun before the teaching day began.
O.K, please review cause I loved writing this and I now have so many more jokes for a possible second or third chapter, so feedback would be nice please...