The Bright Side of Enchantments
Merlin was a little surprised to find himself singing about the bright side of life. Fumbling over the notes, he kept going, his feet leading him in an extravagant dance. Arthur seemed to be making just as much of a fool of himself. He was…buying a shrubbery from a little old lady?
It all seemed very convenient. Merlin's befuddled mind supplied him with the fact that they were after a shrubbery, and Arthur had been despairing of ever finding one. Quests did not normally involve everything falling neatly into place, and the suspiciousness of the whole scenario had snapped him out of whatever fog his mind had been caught up in. Not that it wasn't suspicious already - really, what self-respecting evil knight would demand a shrubbery as his toll? For that matter, when did Arthur start obeying giant heads in the sky?
"On, Patsy!" Arthur yelled. It took a moment for Merlin to 'remember' he was Patsy, and that his was the giant pack leaning against the tree. Slinging it on his back, he saw Arthur mount an imaginary horse, and look at him expectantly. Automatically, his hands reached to the cracked halves of some giant nut hanging on a string around his neck, and clacked them together, making a clip-clop very like a horse's hooves.
As they went through the woods, Merlin found his memories divided into before the madcap quest, and the process of it. He was aware of Arthur's work rebuilding Camelot after Morgana's attack, and his struggle to get Gwen accepted as Queen, and his trip down to the lake, and…
The Lady gifting him the sword Excalibur, the Kingdom erased from their minds and replaced with a farce, a quest to find bold knights, four answering the call, returning to a very different Camelot, the giving of the Quest for the Holy Grail, the terrible taunting of the French and the scattering of the knights.
After some time wondering through the forest, they ran into a black-garbed knight. Arthur summarily ordered him to hang back and mind the shrubbery. The fight was unpredictable only in that the knight refused to yield even after Arthur lobbed all his limbs off.
As they started onwards, Gwaine appeared in the forest alongside them, trailed by a trio of minstrels singing, "The brave, brave Sir Robin, he bravely ran away." Merlin stared, watching his friend trying to stem the accusations of cowardice. Then Gwaine/Robin squealed like a stuck pig as the mysterious Knight Who Says Ni reappeared. Merlin listened as Arthur presented the shrubbery, was informed of the Knight changing his name to something long and complicated he really couldn't remember, and was given a new task. To put on a West End musical.
It was simply ridiculous. Gwaine/Robin went into a crazy song about needing a star, and Merlin was roped into dancing. Again. He didn't even know the steps, and Gwaine/Robin's every other word was nonsense. He just kept going to the end of the song, when Arthur 'galloped' off again.
It was all completely ridiculous.
Arthur, with no concept of royal dignity, continued his Quest of great idiocy in a manner more reminiscent of a mad baboon than a King of Camelot. Merlin was very fed up with whatever-it-is that was warping his perceptions and corrupting his King. He could only hope that the end of the quest would break the mystery spell.
The answers finally came when Arthur flopped down in a great despair. His striving for a star had proved utterly futile, and Gwaine/Robin had gone off with his minstrels. The King of Camelot raised his voice in song, lamenting his being completely alone. Merlin could scarce believe it; what was he, chopped liver? He didn't even understand the phrases he was using to express his displeasure in the song.
Finally, the Lady appeared. Merlin hoped that this time, he might get some answers out of the Druid girl he loved, but Freya had eyes only for Arthur. The very happily married Arthur. "I've been here all along!" she exclaimed girlishly, giggling foolishly, and finally pointing out that he, Merlin, had been there beside Arthur as well. Merlin would have enjoyed Arthur calling him family more if he'd only got his name right.
And then, she told them they were already in a musical. Of course! That would certainly explain the singing, and the unnaturally fortunate happenstances. Didn't quite explain everything, but if some insane magic had forced them into it, it made more sense than anything else. Merlin may not like Freya declaring that at the culmination, Arthur must marry her, but polygamy was forbidden in Camelot and so any wedding between the pair would be null and void. Freya vanished into the ether, promising to return when the Grail was won.
Not much later, the Knights reunited. For some reason, Leon had turned into a vain ex-peasant named Dennis Galahad, Percival into a wittily cunning fop called Bedivere, and Lancelot had come back from the dead. There was good news (Gwaine/Robin had lost his minstrels), bad news (none had found trace of the Grail yet) and disturbing news (Lancelot was engaged to a minstrel-wannabe prince called Herbert). Shortly after reuniting, they encountered a crazy sorcerer, and rather than ordering him burnt at the stake, Arthur followed his advice to investigate a big rock. A big rock guarded by a rabbit. An insanely vicious rabbit.
Eventually, they saw the rabbit off, using the 'Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch', which fortunately enough cracked open the rock, and thus revealing the location of the Grail. Merlin had no idea what the 'fourth wall' was, or indeed what was going on, he just played the part, pulling up a peasant who'd happened to be sitting on the Grail all night. And then on to the wedding.
The wedding, which was disrupted halfway through, when Gwen stormed out, slapped Freya across the face, and reclaimed her husband. As Gwen's hand descended, the haze of the enchantment lifted. Merlin found himself back in his normal garb, as did the Knights, and Arthur. Lancelot seemed very disconcerted, what with suddenly being alive, and courting Nimueh.
"What the hell is going on?!" Arthur yelled, waving his sword around.
"My deepest apologies, sire," Freya said, stepping back. "The enchantment that bound me to the Lake of Avalon grew thin, and in attempting to find a way to release it, I fear I inadvertently pulled you into this charade to find the chalice that would grant me freedom."
"You mean the grossest corruption of my knights, the resurrection of Lancelot, turning Camelot into some den of iniquity, my taking orders from some giant head in the sky, running away, all that, was just so you could break some enchantment?!" Arthur was absolutely furious. It did not help that Gwen was still glaring at him furiously.
"…Yes, sire," Freya admitted contritely. "If I had known that was what would happen, I would not have been so swift to enact the counter-spell."
"You're a sorceress," Arthur said coldly.
"I am a Druid, sire, I cannot help how it was that I was born," she replied.
"And why is it that I should not have you executed? You know the practise of sorcery is forbidden, however you were born."
Freya knelt before him, trembling slightly. Merlin reached out to his beloved's mind, whispering assurances that he would protect her if he had to. "Sire, I would never harm you, or your kingdom, or your people. I only sought to break the enchantments upon me. I will give you my word, that I will never again use sorcery, for as long as it is banned in your kingdom."
"Arthur," Merlin murmured. "Give her a chance. You remember Gaius used to practise sorcery? Your father gave him the choice to put away the practise, and gained a loyal councillor. Give her the same choice."
Arthur looked down on the girl. "If you ever use magic again, your life will be forfeit," he eventually judged. "And I will expect your aid should I call for it. Is that understood?"
"Yes, sire," Freya replied. "But, if you will permit it, the enchantment upon me is not yet fully removed. May I have your permission to eradicate it?"
"What do you mean?" Arthur asked. "How is it not fully removed?"
"The show must end with a wedding, sire," Freya replied, a mischievous little smile flitting over her lips. "Is a husband too much to ask for?"
"I'm already taken," Arthur replied, looking at Gwen. "I'm very happy with my Queen."
"I would not wish to part you," Freya answered, rising. "I believe I can find another, if you will permit it."
"I can't have a Druid marrying one of my knights," Arthur said, frowning.
Freya did not speak up, instead moving past him to Merlin. Merlin reached out and took her hands, drawing her closer. "Sire, I have loved this girl from afar for several years. If you will permit it, I would marry Freya."
Arthur looked at the manservant and druid, and shrugged. "If that's what you want, Merlin," he said. "Let's get back to Camelot."
And Merlin and Freya lived happily ever after in the court of King Arthur of Camelot.