Title: New Coping Mechanisms
Author: OpheliacAngel
Characters & Pairings: Cosima/Helena/Delphine, Sarah, Alison
Genres: Romance/Family
Rating: Teen
Summary: Delphine takes Cosima on a road trip, and Helena wants to tag along and won't take no for an answer.
A/N: Written for Holly Poly Fest for aphrodite_mine. Lyrics are from Snow Patrol's 'Lifeboats.'
~Gliding like a satellite in the broken night
And when I wake you're there, I'm saved
Your love is piled tight and high, set against the sky
That seems to balance on its own~
It's Delphine's idea to take Cosima on a road trip. Of course, Helena more than backs her up on it, but insists on coming along too.
"Remember not to talk to strangers," Alison warns. "And try to keep tabs on what Helena eats so that she doesn't get food poisoning." Helena sticks her tongue out at her but practically jumps forward to give her a hug, hands patting her back awkwardly, her grin unmistakable. Delphine hasn't yet been in the same space with all of Cosima's sisters, or at least the ones that make up her girlfriend's small family, and while this may be a temporary goodbye it is also a bright moment for Delphine. She is proud to stand among them, to be trusted with Cosima's well-being and life.
She is also proud to become part of that small family she mentioned earlier. Cosima's sisters are all not only distinct but beautifully unique. They care about Cosima and they show it in their own small ways, some with nervous looks and quick glances away in order to control themselves and others with forced down tears and haunted faces.
Helena's hug is still in full force when Delphine comes back to herself, and she blinks back tears and turns away only briefly before bringing herself back under control. She has never wanted to rip Cosima away from her sisters but that's exactly what she's doing. Why won't Cosima tell her no? Why will she not tell Delphine she wants to stay? But Cosima merely looks on with a smile on her face, and Delphine almost doesn't notice the tube snaking under her nose or the oxygen tank in the cart beside her.
Sarah steps forward to give the three of them a hug, with Helena it's a somewhat hesitant one, but when Helena presses her hands tightly to Sarah's back she hugs Helena tighter; with Cosima it's much slower and longer, and Delphine can't miss the desperate look on Sarah's face, which she shares with Delphine for a split second. She moves to Delphine last, whose hand is still holding Cosima's, squeezing it every few minutes or so.
"Take care of her," Sarah whispers in her ear and Delphine nods. To take care of Cosima is now ingrained in her so completely. When Sarah pulls away, she faces both Cosima and Delphine as if she finally accepts them together. Delphine's heart warms at the thought. "Make sure to call, yeah?"
They both nod, Cosima with shining eyes and Delphine with what she hopes to be a tough look on her face. This is what she has to be now, tough, for Cosima. She will not let her lover's sisters down, and she will not fail Cosima.
"You got it, sis," Cosima answers, voice raspy. Still, there is more life and warmth in it than Delphine has heard in days.
They get in the car then, Helena helping Delphine get Cosima settled in the backseat, providing her with blankets and pillows and Helena stuffing packages of peanut butter crackers in the pocket at the back of Delphine's seat. "Need to keep strength up," Helena explains with a serious tone, so that Cosima knows she's not messing around. Delphine would laugh at that if she thought she could manage it. "Peanut butter good." Cosima only smiles and gives Helena her hand so Helena can better maneuver her on the seat until she's comfortable. Delphine wipes her nose on her sleeve briefly before climbing into the driver's seat and starting up the car, turning the heat up immediately for Cosima. She does not know why she is so emotional today, perhaps it is because of the goodbyes.
Sarah and Alison wave when Delphine peers curiously into the overhead mirror. There is silence and stillness and the feeling that she will see them again only at her beloved's funeral.
They are on the road for only three days and already Delphine notices how often Helena gravitates towards Cosima. She will crawl into the backseat when the car is in motion and wrap herself around Cosima as if she were a child and needed comfort and saving. Her blonde hair brushes against Cosima's pale face and her boots kick the back of Delphine's chair when she likes a particular song and wants the volume turned up louder.
When they stop in diners due to Helena's insistence, because no one can make Cosima eat unless it's Helena's rampage for food, no matter if it's good, she always sits beside Cosima, oxygen tank secured between the two of them, Helena stealing Cosima's fries, but only half of them. Delphine watches them curiously, trying to keep conversation up with an exhausted Cosima. Helena joins in sometimes, but mostly criticizes Delphine's food or stares at her intently. Delphine can't blame her really. They don't know each other at all and Helena must have trust issues towards her, but Helena seems oddly okay with Delphine there, enough to tolerate her presence and not ignore her.
Other than her exchanges with Cosima, she becomes prone to asking Delphine what her 'French words of love and affection' mean. Or her 'words of chaos,' referring to her muttered curses, when Cosima is out of earshot of course. Helena is so curious and Delphine cannot help but love her as she puts a smile on Cosima's face, as she makes her laugh so hard until she's bending over and coughing.
But Delphine still feels alone. Feels as if she is the only one waging a battle.
She cannot sleep at night anymore, so she offers the extra bed to Helena so that she can reach across and touch Cosima, and she takes the fold out couch. She is coping... somehow. She is breathing too, though that still remains a mystery to her.
Delphine has never prayed before, never found the need to, but Cosima is the only one she will ever love. There will be no second start to her life, no forgetting. Cosima woke her up and made her feel more like herself than anyone before. Her happiness is infectious, contagious, and no wonder why Helena was drawn into her like a moth to a flame.
There is love between them as clear as the day. Something crawls up underneath Delphine's skin, something hard and cruel and fierce. There are hushed whispers in the night and silent kisses just before sunrise. There are half-smiles and the holding of hands from underneath the tables of the diners they so often frequent, underneath so that Delphine cannot see. There is love so young and so pure and so uncomplicated that it almost makes Delphine feel whole again.
Yet she is broken.
One day, however, her prayers are answered.
She spends much of the time in the bathrooms of the hotels they are forced to stay in for Cosima's sake. She washes her hair until it feels clean again and no longer tainted, and brushes her hair for so long until she comes back to herself again. Delphine makes herself look professional and well because it's all she has left. She puts on her best mascara and lip gloss and practices her once easy coming smile.
Today, she turns the water on, sits down on the toilet seat and sobs. She sobs for the beauty that her life has become since Cosima has entered it. She sobs as if Cosima is already gone, as if her funeral is tomorrow and Delphine has prepared a speech that she cannot give. Where will she find her strength again? Where will she drive to next that would make any difference?
The door opens and closes in the expanse of a second and Delphine glances up. Helena stands there, the familiar ridiculously frizzy and curly blonde hair spilling down past her shoulders, eyes so impossibly wide and a look on her face as if for once she doesn't know what to do or how to be herself.
"I cannot save her," Delphine sobs, dropping her head back down into her hands, skin soaked with tears. There is a prolonged silence that she waits impatiently to be penetrated by Helena, but it's too high of an expectation. Helena isn't one for words, and why would she have any words to offer Delphine?
"You are beautiful, Delphine." She says it exactly like she's trying out her name for the first time. And she is. Delphine glances up, stares at Helena through her hazy vision. She feels dizzy and sick to her stomach, and she is so embarrassed for Helena to have to see her like this. "And strong," Helena continues. "Strong like Cosima. Like sestra. We will save her together. We will feed her good food and sing lullaby and dance together until we drop."
Delphine can't help it, she laughs. She giggles until she sobs and then goes back to giggling again, a cycle that makes no sense. Cosima is on the other side of the door and she can't keep it together, has to hide her hurt and her panic by turning the knobs of the shower and running the sink. Helena was at Cosima's bedside when she left and she has no idea how or why she is here now. Cosima is top priority, anything she may need, and Delphine's needs come last, and by last she means very last, as in below Helena's bottomless pit of a stomach.
She's crying again, sobbing violently, pounding her hands against the wall and she does not care how much it hurts, does not care if she bleeds, if she upsets Cosima. She should care, but everything in the world around her is already gone. She is already gone. What she wants no longer matters, it's been stripped by a cruel and careless world.
But then Helena's arms wrap around her and the world comes sharply back into focus again. Her hands stop slamming themselves against the wall but Helena grabs them anyway and holds them in her own, fingers squeezing her own fingers, mouth brushing against her own before kissing her softly, so softly that Delphine wants to explode into a thousand tiny pieces.
"Delphine not jealous anymore," her index finger bops Delphine's nose and her once somber look morphs assuredly into a crooked grin. To anyone else, Helena might be dangerous, but in that moment Delphine knows she is protected by and precious to Helena. "Helena love both. Helena take care of Delphine as long as she share fries."
And suddenly Delphine can see how incredibly big Helena's heart is. Helena has enough love in her to love the both of them, without restraint and without exhaustion. Delphine's body sags in relief and Helena holds her, and Delphine can see how strong she is too, strong enough for the both of them. She closes her eyes and Helena presses a kiss to the side of her face, mouth moist and fingers curling Delphine's hair. "Yours is a different shade," she remarks. "Brighter."
Delphine wants to tell her that Helena is the brightest thing in the world to her at this point, but she is all out of words. Yet when she feels Helena's smile against her skin she knows that she knows. She also knows that Helena is not going anywhere, and that might be the most beautiful song she has ever heard.
"You two aren't planning on leaving me out, are you?"
Helena holds open an arm and Cosima rushes into it, face pressing against both of theirs equally, pale, sweat soaked skin salty yet welcoming under the weak fluorescent lights of the bathroom. Delphine feels the distance between them closed with one swift motion, and it all has to do with Helena.
The three of them will keep each other alive, no matter what tomorrow may bring.
No matter the aftermath.
FIN