Warning: HBP Spoiler! If you haven't read the book and don't want it to be spoiled by this… then I suggest you read the book first before you read this.
A/n: Hello! Just something to let all my anger out… it's pretty nice, although it's filled with heartbreak… but this is how I think Hermione was reacting throughout the whole sixth year happenings. I was making one before, but it was just plain lame… until I came to hear this song, 'Behind those hazel eyes' by Kelly Clarkson and I knew it will be perfect. It can also be an answer to a challenge by Panther, although it is somewhat different.
Title: Behind Hermione's Hazel eyes
Summary: Just after Gryffindor won the House Cup, just after Harry decided he should abruptly kiss Ginny… we see how Hermione reacts as the scene unfolds in front of her eyes. From that point to wherever
Disclaimer: I'm just your regular delusional, militant HHR shipper…
Oh yeah, forgot to mention, er… um, no flames please!
All in Hermione's POV
Read and be amazed (I hope)
"We won!" I heard Ron yell waving the Cup high enough for Harry to see, who has just arrived. I smiled at his slightly shocked yet thoroughly pleased reaction and as he let out a heart-warming smile.
I let a grin pass my lips for a moment until Ginny came up to him, red hair flowing and her face blazing.
Merlin, this girl… I haven't failed to notice… is my greatest rival to Harry's heart. And from how Harry looks at her, from how he reacts whenever she is here, whenever he sees her… although no one notices it… or knew that I see it… I know I'm fighting a losing battle…
So here she comes now, running towards him, possessing all the prettiness that I perfectly know that I couldn't be able to match, and wrapping her petite arms around his neck.
A pang in the heart… I take an intake of breath and waited… anticipated….
Yes… oh my… here… here comes the final declaration that I was defeated… she won… Harry kissed her… and with all pleasure I see. The whole common room became quiet and not long after, cheers ensued and nervous giggles broke out.
Amidst all the cheering and giggling, I let out a tiny sob although all was too thrilled to notice and I felt my eyes water, my heart being crushed to million pieces as second by second goes by.
I heard a glass shatter somewhere and I knew… it was not only me who was upset by this whole scenario… a tear slipped from my eye but I hastily wiped it with my sleeve. I looked at him again, and I saw him looking through the crowd. He was looking at Dean… at the Vance girl… and I knew I wasn't far; he was going to look at me.
'Smile, Hermione, smile… smile at him!' I instructed myself but all I feel was more tears threatening to fall. I took another intake of breath and flashed an almost genuine ear-to-ear smile, which managed to fool him alright.
I shook my head sadly and exhaled slowly, hoping that the pain would cease… but it didn't, the more I see them or the people who were glad to see the kiss, the more the pain in my heart intensifies.
I can't stand it… I can't bear it… I have to go…
I heart the portrait hole close and when I looked up; I see that both off them have left. Another tear escaped my eyes and slowly flowed to my cheek, I wiped it once again for fear that someone may notice.
"Hermione, you okay?" Ron asked, still sporting a small grin.
"Yeah… yeah… I-I'm just fine," I stammered as I left. I ran towards the girl's dormitories, dumped my books on the floor where it scattered chaotically. Usually, I would never do that but this night…. This night is different… for this is the night, after all those daydreaming, all those hoping and trying, I have finally lost my battle… the water I've been trying to keep with my bare hands have finally slipped away.
A loud sob escaped from me and tear after tear slid from my eye. I tried to stem the flow but to no avail. Another loud sob rang from my mouth and I sank rather helplessly to the floor.
Why? Why! I saw it coming and I can't pretend that I didn't know that that little gremlin has feelings for Harry and he reciprocated it. I can't pretend that I didn't see myself with him and I stand no chance against Ginny. I knew all of this stuff… I felt it! Then why, why in this horrible world did I allow myself to fall deeply… madly… crazily in love with him?
I cried like I've never cried before… like there was no more tomorrow… each cries dripping with pain and despair.
I can hear footsteps coming this way accompanied by shrill giggles. Oh, great… Parvati and "Won-Won" Lavender are coming this way. I wiped away my tears, grabbed my scattered things and crept to the warmth of my bed. I drew the drapes around my bed just as the two other girls entered the room. I pulled the covers to my chin and listened quietly to what the two of them had been giggling about.
"It's good that Harry kissed Ginny," I hear Parvati say. Oh, curse her mouth!
"Sure it was. Must've known Ginny will get him too… I mean he is Harry Potter, 'The Chosen One'… all hot and everything. She does have a knack for changing from boyfriend to another, doesn't she?" said Lavender and Parvati giggled.
"Ooh, don't let your 'Won-Won' hear you talking that way about his little sister," she said. I heard Lavender sigh sadly.
"Well, it is true, by the way… and besides Won-Won—I mean Ron and I are so over… thanks to Hermione Granger over there!" she said with a tone of harshness.
"Shush! Be quiet. You might wake her up," Parvati scolded. I heard Lavender give another sigh and a long silence proceeded, and then Lavender spoke in a soft almost whispered voice.
"Although I think Harry and Hermione would make a better couple…" she trailed away.
"Oh, please! You're only saying that because she got in the way with you and Ron," Parvati said giggling.
"No I'm not! And what I said was true!" Lavender argued. The two continued to argue a few moments and changed the subject abruptly to boys.
I held my breath. Is what Lavender saying true? Or does Parvati show more point than her… oh well, whatever they may say is their opinion, and what they say will never change what fate has decided upon…. I feel my eyes water again, flow to my cheek and wet my fluffy pillow.
……………
The next couple of weeks dragged by and the amounting gossip about the Ginny-Harry relationship seemed to loom in every bloody corner of the castle. Harry and Ginny of course, have been spending a lot of time together and whether I'm with both of them; I try to laugh whenever Ginny cracks a joke or go with Harry as normally as I could.
Then, as Ginny's OWLS drew nearer, one June afternoon at lunchtime, I went to the library to do some researching about this so-called Half-Blood Prince that has been helping Harry with potions by means of his potions book, and as I passed a window overlooking the lake, I saw them… Harry and Ginny, laughing, talking and tickling each other… were having the most enjoyable time of their lives. I gripped the windowsill tightly as big teardrops fell to the stone sill.
I tried but I couldn't but imagine that I could be that one who was running their hand through his messy jet-black hair. I sobbed once more and my grip on the windowsill became even tighter…here I am, once again… I'm torn into pieces. I can't deny it, I can't pretend… I just thought he was the one… I'm broken up deep inside but never would he see the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes…
This is too much… I just ran away…. ran away as far as I could from the window, from that lakeside scene… from reality.
A few days passed by and while Harry was away with a meeting with Dumbledore, I find myself staring off to space. I don't know but now, I feel empty… I feel alone… not as strong as I used to be...
Just then, the portrait hole opened with a bang and Harry tumbled inside. I was stunned by his sudden arrival and I know so was Ron.
"I've got to be quick," he panted. "Dumbledore thinks I'm getting my Invisibility Cloak. Listen…"and he quickly told us where he was going and why he was going there. I gasped, realizing what danger he might put himself… I don't want not to be able to see him again…
He said something about Malfoy having another clear shot at whatever he was up to and I absentmindedly wanted to interrupt but he continued with his instructions. He shoved the Marauder's Map under my arm and instructed me to alert whoever in the old DA I could reach.
My breathing became uneasy.
"Harry--," I started, my voice was dripping with fear and concern.
"I haven't got time to argue," he said as he thrust a pair of socks into Ron's hands.
"… Share it between yourself and Ginny too. Say good-bye to her for me…" he continued but I didn't listen properly. Was all this boy can say was Ginny!
"No!" I yelled before I could stop myself. I can't stand his 'love' for Ginny anymore. He has no idea how it pains me to think that I could not be seeing him anymore after this and what he has left me was not 'be careful, Hermione' or something but 'say goodbye to Ginny for me,'… then it hit me as I stared at his face. I might not be seeing him again… and I'm afraid… scared to the bones… that he might not be here anymore.
I saw Ron unwrap the tiny golden potion from the socks.
"We don't want it; you take it, who knows what you will be facing?" I said firmly.
"I'll be fine… don't look like that, Hermione… I'll see you later…" he says and he was gone…
"Make sure that I'll see you again Harry… Take care…" I whispered at the now closed portrait hole as a lone tear slipped to my cheek.
….
Harry didn't know how glad I was to see him back, even when chaos still hung in the air, a simple glimpse of him did a lot to me… brought hope back to my system. And when all this fighting among the walls of Hogwarts has ceased, once again, I felt the amounting fear that he wasn't going to be there. But I was wrong… he was there… distressed yes, but alive and it brought a huge wave of relief.
But the news of the death of Dumbledore really saddened me. He was Harry's protector… and now, he has left him… and he was alone… alone with a heavy burden bestowed upon him… and I know, this is the time he really needs me most.
The day of Dumbledore burial came and never did I experience this great despair.
I saw Harry talk to Ginny about something and Ginny gave an oddly twisted smile. I tried not to care but not long after, Ginny spoke.
"What if I don't care?" she said.
"I care," Harry replied, and once again, I felt my heart ripped into two. Tears were flowing endlessly from my eyes as Harry's word's echoed in my mind.
Then, I felt a hand in my shoulder. I looked up and saw Ron looking at Harry and Ginny and then at me… and I knew that he finally understood these tears I shed. I dropped my head to his shoulder and began to cry… mostly for the death of Dumbledore… but also for losing Harry.
He used to be a part of me… I used to stand tall, used to be strong. His arms around me were tight and everything… everything felt right… unbreakable even, like nothing could go wrong. But Harry's gone… he's not here with me… mow I can't breathe… I can't sleep… I'm barely hanging on…
……….…
Many weeks have past and I've spent the summer holidays away from Harry. But today, I get to go to the Weasleys for Bill and Fleur's wedding day.
The Weasleys came that afternoon to pick me up via floo powder and spent the rest of the night with them in the Burrow and Harry came the next morning, even more attractive than ever.
I've learned from Ginny that they have broken up but from the way they look at each other, it was obvious that the feeling was still there… and then and there… I realized that it hurts to see Harry… it was too much to bear…
…….
Then the wedding came and the usually tensed atmosphere was replaced by temporary happiness and bliss.
The reception was held in the Weasleys' garden and it was so magnificent. All were dancing but me… Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ron and Fleur, and of course… Harry and Ginny…
I felt my heart bleed afresh and the pain that had been absent since the day of the burial was once again revived as I saw the sparkle in their eyes.
Raindrops started to fall from the sky and groans could be heard from the crowd as the party was put into a halt by the rain. But Harry and Ginny continued to giggle and Ginny twirled around.
Tears fell to my raindrop-damped face and I saw Harry glance at me, beam widely… but I failed to smile at him in return, instead, more tears fell as a sob ensued. His smile faltered and looked at me with concern. I rise from the wet chair and began to run towards the paddock.
I tripped as I reached the paddock and rolled in the wet and muddy grass… I cried… I cried harder and I screamed, clutching my wet and muddy pink dress, tears continuing to fall from my eyes… never… never did I feel this kind of pain… this kind of longing…
A heavy yet comfortable hand dropped to my shoulder… I hand I could clearly recognize… his hand…
I looked up and saw Harry looking at me. I glare at him and tried to stand up but tripped at the hem of my dress.
"Hermione, are you alright?" he asked quietly.
I laughed harshly.
"I'm wet, I'm muddy, and I'm hurting… tell me, does that make me feel alright?" I asked.
"What's wrong?" he asked but I refused to meet his gaze.
"Nothing!" I yelled.
"Hermione…" he tried. I gave a shaky sigh
"I told you everything… opened up… let you in and you made me feel alright, even once in my life… but now… all that is left of me is what I pretend to be… I'm so together but so broken up inside, Harry… I can't breathe… can't sleep… I'm barely hanging on…" I said.
"Hermione, I--," he tried as I stood up and began to walk away but along the way, I stropped dead and cried.
"Here I am once again, Harry… I'm torn into pieces. I can't deny it… and I can't pretend… I thought you were the one, Harry… I'm broken up deep inside but you… you would not get to see the tears I cry behind these…" I said while indicating my eyes "Behind these hazel eyes," I said.
"W-what?" he said, dumbfounded.
"I love you, Harry! And you were daft enough not to see it! Not to feel it," I said angrily.
He gave a long sigh.
"Well, swallow me then spit me out if you like… for hating you, Harry, I blame myself. Seeing you kills me now… No, I don't cry on the outside anymore… anymore… but Harry, deep inside I still do… I still love you," I said and with one final look at him, I began to turn around.
"Hermione wait!" Harry shouted as he grabbed my arm and forced me to face him.
"Why?" I asked.
"I've waited so long for you to say that," he said and I gave him a skeptical look.
"I have… but I only just realized now… now Hermione, now when I finally knew what that unfilled gap in my heart can be only filled by what you do to me… can only be filled by you…" he said in a soft whisper.
"It is you that makes me…. Harry… makes me different… and I realized how much you are to me… how much I need you and how much I really love you…"
"I love you..." he said. I looked up to find his tear-stained face and his bright green eyes shining with happiness. Those three little words… those words I've waited for so long to come from his mouth…
"…more than you'll ever know," and he placed his lips upon mine as we share a sweet and genuine kiss filled with passion…
The rain continued to fall from above us….
THE END!
A/n: whew! There… that was easy to write… considering I am heartbroken too…. Hope ya'll enjoyed it! And if you do review, please no flames!