Lonely Road
Hot pain seared his chest as he continued screaming. Dean's face flushed as he strained to make his voice reach the heavens. It caught in his throat forcing his screams to die down. Breathing hard he looked around, an animal caught in the headlights. Looking back up to the sky he saw stars twinkling and gleaming. The sky was like oil, holding these small jewels in place. The moon was a huge orb that hung in the sky high and mighty, white and bringing forth light down onto this small road. Dean sighed and looked back down. His breath fogged out from his mouth looking like a ghost that danced in the night. Glancing at his watch he saw that he had been standing here shouting his lovers name for two hours. It felt like only ten minutes had passed since he had stopped the car and climbed out. His eyes were sore and scratchy. Crying, he thought, I've been crying. For the whole two hours? A memory of swiping at his eyes just before stumbling out of the Impala confirmed this.
Dean was drunk. Well he had been when he had gotten into the car. Stupid idea Dean. You could have been killed, he heard Sam say in that condescending tone he could pull out so well. Yeah, then maybe I'd actually get to see Castiel. Dean thought back. Sam had nothing to say on this. Good, Dean
thought, keep it that way Sammy.
''Though it was a stupid idea.'' Dean muttered to himself as he turned around to face his car. Swaying slightly he looked around. Dark leafless trees on either side of the road, the shadows from these caused odds shapes to appear. Dean shivered as a cold wind blew against him, seeming to burrow right into his bones. The branches on the trees swayed more than Dean. He started walking back to the car, the gravel underneath his boots crunching.
He thought back to how he had gotten drunk. Some bar about a five minute drive from the motel he had been staying in he guessed. What was the name again? He couldn't remember, supposed it didn't matter what the bar had been called. It had sold alcohol, Jack Daniels whiskey to be precise. Another thing he couldn't remember was how many he had had. A flash of him banging some money onto the bar and shaking the glass at the bartender. Another memory of stumbling back to his car and actually being able to get the key into the lock on the fourth try. Or had it been the fifth? Either way he had gotten in the damn car and miraculously ended up here. On some no bit road screaming for the man he had once loved.
Another gust of wind this time pushing at Dean's back and ruffling his hair ever so slightly. He felt it caress his cheek and realised it was warm. A rustling noise followed the dying wind. Dean frowned and looked around for a bird, an owl, anything with feathers that had come to roost in one of the lifeless trees.
''Dean.'' A voice spoke out. A voice he knew only too well. A voice that he had heard speak his name many times, groan and moan with the pleasure Dean had been creating.
''Cas?'' Dean asked the night
''Turn around Dean.'' That voice said. Not asking but not demanding either.
Dean stood where he was. His back to the angel. His breath was now shallow yet heavy. The tears that had wet his cheeks before started again. Small rivers on each side, falling off his chin down to the gravel.
''Please Dean. Turn around.'' Again, not a question.
''I should just get into my car and drive off. Leave you here like you've left me for the past 8 months'' Dean replied
The night was silent, nothing was moving. No birds in the trees calling out to each other. No small animals shuffling through the dried out bushes. Just the two of them standing in the middle of the road as if they were the only two beings in existence. Dean's heart thudded and he could hear his blood rushing in his ears.
A note of sadness filled the voice as it finally asked. ''Please?''
Dean breathed out and looked down. He recalled the day Castiel disappeared. They had been lying in bed together, the angel tucked up against his side. His strong arms had been wrapped around Castiel, holding him close. Letting the warmth from both of their bodies melt together. They had talked, mostly about nothing. Castiel's voice had gotten softer and softer until the only answers he gave were his soft breathing. Before he had dropped fully off to sleep Castiel had raised his head and looked at Dean. Looking into his eyes Dean remembered how he had seen something in them that had made his stomach curl. Something like sorrow had shown loud and clear. Then Castiel blinked and there was nothing but love.
''I'll always love you Dean.'' He had said, and then planted a soft kiss on Dean's lips. Dean had smiled and told Cas he loved him too. The angel had smiled back and laid his head back on Dean's bare chest where he had fallen asleep within seconds
Dean had lain awake awhile longer just listening to his lovers breathing, feeling the rhythmic beating of Cas' heart against his side. He thought about him and Castiel together. How everything had changed when Cas had admitted his love for him. Everything had seemed so much brighter and happier. The world was a bigger place and Dean had found beauty in everything he saw. He had Castiel at his side and because of this it wasn't as scary or lonesome. He also thought about the look Cas had had in his eyes just before he had told Dean he loved him. Dean had finally fallen asleep with all these thoughts flying through his head.
He had woken lying on his side, curled up with his knees close to his chest. He lay still for a few moments, letting the last remnants of sleep disappear. Waking up fully he realised that he couldn't feel Castiel touching him. Normally he'd awaken with one of Cas' arms or legs thrown over his body and would have to wrestle out from underneath him. Opening his eyes he had seen the bright light that shone through from the motel window. Wincing he had closed his eyes and rolled over, stretching his cramped legs out whilst reaching for Castiel. Feeling nothing but the bed Dean had opened his eyes again and seen the emptiness. Looking towards the bathroom and seeing the door wide open Dean shook his head and laughed as he sarcastically rebuked himself, angels didn't pee so why would Cas be in the bathroom genius? Sitting up and leaning against the headboard Dean rubbed his eyes and looked around the room. Noticing the emptiness Dean frowned again. Where was Cas? He had called his name, hoping he would appear before him. Nothing. Dean had called again and shrugged it off. Castiel had disappeared a few times, though he had always woken Dean up with the kiss he had given him before vanishing.
A few days had passed by and he still hadn't heard anything from his angel and by then he had started to worry. Dean didn't want to admit that he had started feeling uneasy the very next day. Normally Cas dropped in to tell him everything was okay, that he was safe and would be back soon. This time there wasn't news of any kind. Good or bad. After a week of hearing nothing he had found himself calling to Castiel, sometimes even talking to him whilst he was driving. These one sided conversations always ended with the sentiment ''I love you Cas.'' As if by declaring his love for Castiel it would make him appear. These conversations had always left Dean feeling depressed and lonely but he continued with them in the hope that his lover would hear them and soon join in.
After the second week he had gone to Bobby, asking for his help. Sheepishly he had told Bobby what had happened and how he had heard nothing. Bobby had given him such a fatherly look that Dean had nearly broke down and admitted all the things he had been scared shitless about. Was Castiel actually dead? Together they had searched high and low, using every contact they had. Dean had even captured a demon and, using holy water, had found out nothing new. Finally after roughly 4 months of searching Bobby had dragged a depressed Dean to a bar. There Bobby had told Dean as gently as he could to give it up. They weren't going to find anything. Any clue that could have lead to Castiel had grown cold. They had used all their resources and there was nothing left. Nobody knew where he was. Bobby knew that Dean loved Castiel but maybe it was time to let him go.
Dean had grown angry, refusing to believe he had been left behind. Their talk had grown into shouts and soon they had been asked, not too kindly, to leave. Before turning his back on Bobby Dean had looked him in the eye, pleading for his help but Bobby had merely shook his head.
''Son, you know I would help you if I could but there's nothing we can do. We've tried everything! We even summoned him and got nothing. Dean, I know you love him. I really do, but you've gotta stop. You're gunna kill yourself. I know you Dean and I know you're tormenting yourself with this but please, give it up.'' Bobby told Dean, his stern voice making the message come across loud and clear.
''I'm going to find him Bobby. I swear to God if it's the last thing I do I'll find him. I love him Bobby. I... I need to find him.'' Dean responded. Ignoring Bobby's protests Dean had climbed into the Impala and drove off. Looking in the rear view mirror he could see Bobby standing, hand in his pockets watching the car until it was out of sight.
Dean hadn't kept his promise to Bobby. More and more he had found himself going into bars and drinking till he felt nothing. The numbness from the drinking seeped into his sober side until he couldn't feel much of anything. Fear for Castiel's life had grown into remorse. The love he had held so bright and strong had withered and died. It had been 6 months since Dean had lain in bed with Cas when he finally accepted Castiel's 'death'. He had started drinking in some bar and had taken it to the motel. The tears came easy and streaked down his face. His chest heaved painfully and his sobs had filled the room. He had fallen asleep in the chair he had been sitting in and woke up the next morning with a stiff neck and one hell of a hangover. He'd spent half the morning throwing up everything he'd drank and his head throbbed in time with his heart. From that day he had felt nothing for Castiel expect the anger that now boiled inside him. He had started hunting again with a cold blooded single mindedness. Kill anything evil. Rid this world of anything that wanted to destroy it.
There wasn't a job in this small town. He had just been passing through and had gotten sick of driving. The need for a drink had been getting stronger too. This need had grown each day and now it seemed he couldn't live one day without getting at least half wasted.
Coming back to the present Dean heard Castiel calling his name. His voice had grown louder. Had he moved closer? Dean didn't want him closer. It had been stupid and pathetic to stand here screaming for Castiel. He had done it before and nothing had happened. Why the change? Deciding to face him Dean turned around and looked upon Castiel for the first time in 8 months and five days. He had been keeping a continuous count of how long it had been. Each morning he woke up, groggy and hung over, and counted the day off. It was the first and last thing he did each night.
As their eyes met Dean's stomach dropped and his chest tightened. Everything closed in around him. The air was sucked away and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't focus on anything other than the man standing before him. Everything was the same as he remembered. The slightly dishevelled hair, the rough stubble that had rubbed against Dean's cheeks when they kissed. Even the clothes that always seemed one size too big and gave him the Holy Tax Accountant look. Dean could also see the strength that Castiel barely contained. It made him seem taller than he actually was. His innocence and naivety hidden behind this bravado. Dean knew every inch of this man. He had bitten, kissed and licked his way across the landscape of Castiel's body. They had made love and declared it with groans and cries of each other's name yet Dean knew that he loved him no more. Standing there and looking into the deep blue that was Castiel's eyes Dean knew that his heart held nothing but hate.
He was shaken by this. He had hated people yes, demons definitely. But an angel? Well, he didn't have much of a problem hating angels either but one that he had loved and trusted more deeply than any person in his entire life? Nothing could have prepared him for this feeling. It was a claustrophobic feeling; the whole world seemed to grow smaller. Dean felt his lips tremble and knew he was on the verge of just letting go, losing control of his emotions and breaking down right here in front of Castiel.
Dean didn't want to cry anymore. He clenched his jaw and using this new found hate held onto to the tears that were threatening to pour down his face again. Damned if he would cry in front of Castiel anymore than he already had done. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaled and took another. On his second exhale he heard the rough crunching of gravel as Castiel moved.
Dean opened his eyes and saw the angel walking towards him. Their eyes met for a second time and something in Dean's stopped Castiel.
''Dean. I...I'm so sorry.'' Castiel said. Sadness broke through his voice causing it to waver.
Dean stared at Castiel. ''You're sorry?'' Dean barked a humourless laugh. He sensed a hysterical note to the laugh and quickly stopped.
''Dean I-''
''You're sorry!?'' Dean broke in. Anger had joined the hate now and Dean was filled with it. It took over his mind, a red hot mist of hatred and rage. Everything that Castiel had done and all he could come up with was he was sorry!? Shaking, Dean felt the fury engulf his whole mind.
''You leave me for 8 months and all I get is a damn sorry you bastard!? I loved you. I loved you so fucking much. There was nobody like you Cas. Nobody made me feel the way I've always felt about you. When you disappeared that night you threw it all away. You turned your back on it, turned your back on me. I've become numb. I don't feel anything anymore Cas. The only thing I know and feel is that I hate you. '' Dean stopped, choking on the rage that was building inside him. He looked away from Castiel, afraid of what else he would say. He had seen the hurt look that had crossed Castiel's face as he had told him he hated him. Dean looked back at him and saw tears shining out of his blue eyes. Instead of dampening the fire that was Dean's anger this sight managed to feed it.
'How the fuck could you leave me for 8 months without anything!?'' He shouted ''I thought you were dead! I've mourned and grieved for you! I thought I had nothing left and then here you are! Standing there and asking me to forgive you. What do you want me to do huh!? Forget the last 8 months!? Forget all the hurt and pain and fear that nearly tore me apart? Well I can't Cas. I can't do that.''
Dean felt drained. He was tired. Tired of all the running, all the drinking. Tired of waking up every morning feeling as if he had been hit by a truck. He didn't want to feel nothing but to open himself up to emotion again was inviting in all the pain. He felt like everything had been taken from him, stripped out and pulled apart and nothing was left expect this empty and pathetic husk.
''I just need to know how you could hurt me like this. Did I do something wrong? Did I not love you with all my heart and soul? Didn't I show you that love over and over again? I thought,'' Dean paused and clenched his jaw, stopping the tears once again. When he spoke he heard his voice waver and nearly break ''I thought you loved me Cas.''
Shock and anger replaced the sadness on Castiel's face. Dean watched as he raised himself to his full height and Dean knew that he was stretching his wings. He could almost feel them bristle with anger. ''You think I wanted to leave you the way I did knowing that it might be the last time I saw you!? I felt nothing but love for you Dean. I wanted and tried so hard to come back to you but I couldn't. I...I wasn't allowed.'' Castiel finished, averting Dean's eyes and looking down to the floor. Dean could tell he was feeling ashamed but hearing that last sentence made his anger flare again.
''You weren't allowed!? Shit, Cas.'' Dean shook his head, he couldn't think of anything more to say.
Looking back up, Castiel's face was firm and set once again.
''No. I wasn't allowed and I'm sorry Dean but it was God's rules. I can't go against my Father. I can't even tell you what I was doing up there. I was holding onto the hope that I'd see you again. You don't know how hard it was for me to leave you that night. I watched you sleeping for so long. I made sure to remember everything about you, every detail of you. I never want to forget you Dean and I do still love you.''
Ignoring Castiel's declaration, Dean retorted ''I don't know how hard it was for you!? No Cas, I only spent 8 months alone, searching everydamnwhere for you while you were up there playing God's bitch with all the other angels!''
''But what about Bobb-''
''Fuck Bobby! He helped me, but I needed you Cas! When you left, the part of me that loves, that feels just died. I have nothing left now. '' Dean turned away from Castiel, unable to look at him any longer. He knew that if he looked upon that face, those sad eyes staring back at him asking for forgiveness he would lose control of the anger he was trying desperately hard to rein in.
Noticing the darkness that fallen whilst they had been arguing Dean looked upwards. Large dark clouds blanketed the sky, hiding the bright stars behind the endless grey. Even the moon had been taken by these silent thieves's. They had drifted along and stolen the beauty from the sky and nothing was left but a blank canvass.
Dean turned back to the angel but couldn't meet his eyes. Instead, speaking in a flat emotionless voice, he told Castiel
''I loved you once. I loved you like I've never loved anyone. I would have done anything and everything you asked, without question, without doubt. I'd have gone to Hell and back for you. But now?'' Dean paused
'Can you look at me Dean? Castiel asked ''Please?''
Dean took a deep breath and gathered himself. On the exhale he looked up into those eyes and said
''I don't love you anymore Castiel.''
Dean saw Castiel's emotional defences break. His features twisted and the tears spilled from his eyes. They cascaded down his cheeks and spilled off his chin.
''No.'' he muttered as he moved towards Dean, reaching out for his arm. Dean moved backwards but Castiel continued forwards. He gripped Dean's arm and said, more forcefully ''no!''
Dean took another step backwards and pulled his arm from Castiel's grip. Castiel fell to his knees, his body shaking. Dean remained silent whilst Castiel's sobs filled the night. Harsh sounds full of fear and loneliness. Dean almost fell to his knees and held him but remembering the many nights he had cried like this, alone and with no one to comfort him but a bottle, kept him standing. Castiel looked up towards Dean ''Please Dean! I can't do this on my own. I can't live, love or even breathe without you. I'm sorry. You're everything to me and I can't lose you! How am I meant to go on without you!? Please. Oh God, I'm so sorry! Dean, you have to forgive me. I love you with all my heart''
Fresh tears were pouring from Dean's eyes but he kept his face stony. He watched as Castiel's shoulders slumped.
''Dean I'll do anything to get you back. Just tell me what I have to do. Tell me what I have to do to prove to you that I still love you.'' Castiel pleaded
''There's nothing you can do Castiel. I know you still love me but I don't love you. Not anymore and so there's nothing you can do.''
''Please, one more chance. Everything will be different! Please!'' Castiel's voice rose and fell, hysteria gripped the edges of his voice and Dean was afraid the angel would actually start screaming.
''No.'' Dean told him forcefully
This time Castiel whispered, his voice was the only sound on this lonely and dark road. It was a dry, hopeless sound. His wounded and wet eyes held Dean's. ''Please.''
Dean only shook his head whilst moving backwards. Castiel shuffled forwards, following Dean, not giving up.
''Castiel stop! This isn't going to change anything. You can beg and plead as much as you want but I know what I feel and there isn't a chance for us. Not now. Not ever. So just...stop.''
Castiel stopped moving forwards. Dean looked at him kneeling there his cheeks wet and his breath heavy and he felt no sympathy. When Dean spoke he used that same flat and expressionless voice he had used earlier.
''Don't follow me. Okay? I'm going to drive away from here and I want you to make it the last time you see me.''
Castiel opened his mouth but nothing came out, he couldn't think of anything to say. He knew that nothing he could say would make Dean stay. Nothing would make Dean reach down and hold him. Realisation finally hit him and the breath flew from his lungs. This was it, he and Dean were finished. Never again would they make love so passionate it blew his mind. They wouldn't lie in each other's arms for hours on end. The strength left Castiel's body and he felt his muscles tremble. He leant forward, eyes toward the ground and placed his hand on the floor to steady himself. He heard the gravel crunch as Dean walked away forever. He tried to look up but his neck wouldn't support him. Sobs that felt as if they came from the very bottom of his soul wracked his whole body. He tried to get to his feet to stop Dean at any cost but there was nothing left but these sobs. They held him there, making him shake and shudder. His very breath was taken by them.
Dean had walked to the Impala with his back towards Castiel. He had started to move when Castiel had fallen forwards and only stopped when he reached the car's door. He paused with his hand on the door handle, wanting to look back yet trying to resist. He could hear the sobs that Castiel was making, a moment of doubt fluttered through his mind. Dean pushed this away stubbornly and yanked the door open. He climbed into the seat and pulled the door shut. His breath was ragged and harsh and filled the Impala. In the confined space it sounded so loud that he felt his ears might burst. He fumbled in his pocket for the keys and pushed them into the ignition. The car roared to life and Dean felt the whole machine vibrate powerfully underneath him ready to take him away from this whole mess. He sighed and stamped his foot on the pedal causing the car to start moving.
Dean looked into the rear view mirror and saw the angel still on his knees. His head was down, one hand was holding him up and the other was raised to his face. Dean could see Castiel's shoulders shaking as he continued sobbing. He swallowed and felt something in his throat click. Dean looked away, back to the road, and focused on driving away and towards his unknown future. This future would never involve Castiel and would never involve Dean loving someone else. He had given everything up and he intended to feel nothing till he died and even then he hoped to pass into whatever lay beyond with nothing but a smile upon his face.