Chapter One

North Yankton

I was born on the 5th June 1978 to the name Gracelyn Hope Colins. I opened my innocent little eyes to the world, oceanic turquoise surrounded by little flicks of fiery chestnut as I scanned the room around me, unaware of the nightmare I had truly been born into. My eyes met with dulled grey-blue eyes that glared back at me resentfully. "Can we go yet? She's had the fucking brat- store closes in an hour."

A gruff voice echoed out, the burly man rising from his seat and fixing me a spiteful glare. That man was my 'father' Frank Albert Colins, and the dull eyes belonged to Jade Prudence Colins, my mother. Born to an alcoholic and a hooker, perfect parents. My eyes clocked onto him, his bright chestnut hair and pale green eyes the most striking thing about him, apart from the dark circles around his eye sockets.

My mother, Jade, had me cradled loosely in her arms, dyed blonde hair limply hanging around her face, her skin greyish and her eyes sunken. "Isn't she cute? She is yours after all! Look at that hair colour!" His stiff grunt served only to put her in a sour mood as a few more people entered the room, a girl no older than 8 running in first and jumping at the bed. "Can I see it?! Can I see it?!" The big blue eyes staring back at me were full of childish innocence, topped only by the brunette hair tugged into pigtails.

"Amanda! Stop it!" a brunette walked in, sharing some facial similarities as my mother, presumably her sister. Julia. The little one jumped up on the bed and closed her face in close to my own, our nose lightly brushing as she smiled at me. "She's so cute!" I wriggled in my mothers arms and tried to absorb all the images around me. "Fuck sake, it's a fucking brat, can we go now, the store closes in half an hour, I want to grab a crate before tomorrow."

My room was simple, a hand me down cot from Julia and a powder pink room decorated with little stuffed toys, again worn out hand me downs and family heirlooms. "Now, now, Gracie, when you grow up, you'll be just like mommy and you'll help keep mommy and daddy happy forever okay?" I was admitted to hospital a number of times as a toddler with excuses like 'oh she tripped up on herself', 'oh she fell on the stairs', 'oh she fell off the slide' and on and on, they were terrible parents and no one could see it.

I got used to the smell of smoke from a young age, from tobacco to cannabis the intoxicating smell always invaded my lungs, after getting seriously ill, I spent weeks in hospital, no one stayed by me, just the nurses and doctors. I learnt to crawl away from the smells after that, and after the first time I fell down the stairs I learnt that the stairs were something to fear, my eyes curiously studied the world around me, cigarette ash and shards of broken glass a normal thing in the household.

I learnt not to cry much too I wasn't allowed to do that, it made daddy angry but when I was ill it couldn't be helped. Frankie shook me hard as he could when I released another strangled scream, my red cheeks covered in a light sweat from a high temperature. Thus the hand that struck me increased the screaming tenfold, he threw me down into my chair and pointed across at Jade taking up another beer in his hand.

"Fucking shut the brat up!" the small pink puff sitting in the cradle-chair had pinkish cheeks and sign of a fever as I screamed my little lungs out in pain, Jade stood from her place and stumbled over to me shoving an unsterilized dummy in my mouth, one that had been laying on the cigarette ash covered carpet, no wonder I was screaming.

Lots of needles followed that little incident but they made me feel better in the long run, I was healthier and dealing with illnesses was better, no more internal pain for Gracey! Walking was a great accomplishment and with my knowledge of where NOT to go it was fairly incident-less, apart from when I accidentally ate paint, that wasn't so fun.

My first day of pre-school was almost agonising, none of the children would play with me like I carried a sign saying 'do not approach', the teacher sat with me at lunchtime whilst I drank my juice and ate my biscuits helping me complete a cute puzzle of a puppy, he seemed to care. Julia had to come and get me from nursery for that week since mom was 'busy' they didn't have to act like I didn't know what that meant.

Julia bought me this pretty pink parka for my birthday, it dwarfed me but it was warm, prefect for keeping out the bite of cold from Ludendorff's snow. She always made comments like 'Little Gracey dressed as a pink puff!' Whenever she dropped me off at nursery she became concerned at my apparent attachment to Tommy the helper that had shown me so much kindness.

She told my dad about it and he got Tommy fired and arrested accused him of being a paedophile. It taught me not to trust anyone in this world, from there on out mom and dad had made me dress in thick clothing, covering the masses of marred skin to protect their integrity, I thought social workers could help at the school but the small bruises were brushed aside as 'accidents' even Julia didn't know, really you can trust no one.

Jade smiled down at the little pink puff and moved back to her chair taking another inhale from her cigarette, wallowing in the self induced high. "Jade, wake the fuck up bitch, I need more beer." Jade's face stayed one of absolute bliss, even when her eyes glazed over and she stopped responding, we rushed to the hospital that night and we almost lost her.

"Mrs Colins?" The drug addled Jade, looked up with cloudy eyes scanning the nurse as she leant at her bedside. "You almost died of an overdose, you're at Ludendorff central and we're keeping you under observation, okay? Now, can you follow my finger? ..." Jades eyes focused on the man hovering outside the window, a small pink puff cradled on his shoulder as he watched his wife.

The large handprint etched into my skin was hidden well under the puffy pink parka wrapped around my body, the fluff of my hood framing my pinkish cheeks and rosy nose. "Fucking stupid bitch." Frankie rocked my sleeping form, a sleeping puff careful not to wake me as he turned from the drag addled mess in favour of his drink, his best friend, a bottle of classic pisswasser.

"Sir you're not allowed to drink in here, you'll have to take that outside." He grunted and shoved my little body into her arms as he stalked off outside. "Now, now, little one lets go settle you somewhere whilst we take care of your mommy ok?" I nestled into her arms, and fell asleep once more just hoping for all of this to go away.

Kindergarten was brutal, I was isolated from the other children and branded anti-social because I punched a boy in the face after he didn't appreciatethe fact that I always used the same things during art projects and stabbed me in the arm with a pencil; that was a fun trip to the hospital especially when we got home. Dad accused mom of injecting me with a needle, his drunken mind hazed with paranoia.

Those years were lonely ones, no trust meant no friends, I kept to myself, taking the beatings at home and the ridicule at school, it was a horrid existence and the teachers wouldn't listen whenever I tried to explain myself, the reason I wouldn't turn up for class at lunchtime my dad would come to the school and ask where my mom was, not long after things got a lot worse.

Dad came to collect me from school on the last day of second grade and Julia was sat waiting at the house, quickly leaving once we returned as we came in mom was sprawled out on the sofa, a blank look on her face. "Julia offered me a job, I said no." He grunted back at her and headed for the fridge, collecting another beer and sitting in his chair.

"Hey sweetie, wanna see what mommy got you today?" I nodded excitedly and ran up to her. "How many you get tonight?" I sat aside wishing I could go to my room already but I still had to have dinner and a bath before I could go to bed. "6, well 8." She shrugged and dumped a small wad of cash on the table in front of me. "Now Grace, have you done your homework?" I nodded lightly. "We only had two bits this week and I already did them." She nodded and handed me a ten dollar bill.

"Julia wants to take you and Amanda out tomorrow, I said you could go since you wanted to get a new teddy right?" I nodded enthusiastically and grinned putting the money away in my bag. "Thanks mom!" She nodded and flopped back patting her inflated stomach a smile on her face. "Good girl." I was already halfway up the stairs when I heard dad let out a string of curses. "Dunno why you didn't just fucking abort the thing, we barely afford to live with that brat."

A few months later once I'd started middle school Toby was born, I was literally abducted from school by my dad, taken to hospital and notified that mom had given birth to a baby boy, named Toby. I couldn't work out if I pitied him or hated him but it all became clear the first time Frankie hit him, broke his little arm and I decided I loved my baby brother more than anything in this world, I even used my pocket money to buy him a little teddy from the charity shop in town.