I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared
It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear
My dear
"I don't get it!" James voice was horse over the non-stop rain and the roaring thunder, "One minute you're all for us being together, and the next you shut me out cold. Lily, what is going on? What do you want?"
Lily groaned, running her shaking fingers through her hair, tugging the ends out of frustration. "I want change James! I want you to recognize that this isn't going to work until you understand what I need you to work on. You're all invested when it's going good, but the second things turn ugly you're off pretending like this isn't worth anything! I need you to understand that I need things to get better in order to throw myself into this!"
James' sighed, taking a second to look around their surrounding before he reached forward, grabbing Lily's hand. They were alone in the empty streets of Hogsmeade, and while Lily continued to fight against him, James was able to pull her into Hog's Head.
Lily tapped her foot as James took a seat at a table. "What do you think we're doing here James?"
James looked up at her through his fogged up glasses, "Investing. Let's talk about change."
The seven things I hate about you
The seven things I hate about you
Oh you
You're vain, your games
"Now that's not true!" James protested, holding up a hand to signal the barmaid. "I am not vain!"
Lily paused tying her hair back to glare at him. "Let's reflect," she started, finishing her hair with a final pull through, "upon what happened earlier last week-"
"You mean that bullocks in the Great Hall?!" James acted appeal, but the blush on his cheeks told Lily he knew exactly where she was going with this, "That was nothing! I was just concerned because I knew the Ministry of Magic was coming to visit that day and-"
"And that warrants screaming at a first year?" Lily's voice was unmistakably upset, "He tripped James! He tripped because Sirius held out his foot. It wasn't his fault he happened to hit the pumpkin juice next to you!"
"He was a Slytherin," James offered, as if it was the only explanation needed to justify the way he terrorized a first year. The Great Hall was silent as James screamed into the face of Harold Odei. 'So help me if you try and walk past me again..' Lily was the only one to stand up against James- she was fearless in the face that so many were scared of. 'Potter', she yelled, 'get your head out of your ass- no one thinks you're as important as you do'.
James was silent as the barmaid placed their Butterbeers on the table. Lily snatched her cup up quickly, taking a sip way to soon and shivering as the hot liquid slid down her throat.
"I apologize," James said, almost whispering.
"I'm sorry- what?"
"I apologized!" This time he said it louder, more determined. "I had some of the House Elves deliver him some chocolate I smuggled in from Honeydukes and I wrote a note apologizing. It disappeared after he read it- I didn't want the boys to know I had sent something like that-".
"To a Slytherin?"
"To a son of a Death Eater Lily!" James' word caused her to suck her breath in, "To a son of a very well known Death Eater Lily! I was wrong, I will admit that to you and anyone else you want me to admit it to, but I'm not going to change all the work my father's done fighting against his by adding my name to a gift basket. If that makes me vain, so be it, but I did what I thought was the best compromise."
Lily stared long and hard and him, but James could feel her tough exterior breaking down brick by brick. Just when he thought he had her though…
You're insecure
"I never know whether to take your ego serious or not!" Lily was at it again, arms waving and eyebrow raised, as if asking him to say well know pun on his best friend's name. "Everyday you come to me so assured that this will be the day you bed me, and it drives me crazy that you have no humility about how you supposedly feel about me."
"Lily, you have to know who many times you've turned me down. How do you want me to approach a situation where I know I'm going to lose. If I'm going down, I at least want to act like it doesn't hurt every time."
"But that's just it James! It doesn't have to be a 'down every time' situation. You know I have feelings for you", Lily turned away to hide her blush, "but you're so insecure that you won't take the opportunity sitting in front of you."
"I'm scared Lily," James took leaned forward, forcing her to look up at him, "I'm scared that I won't be the guy you want me to be. I'm scared that I'll lose you as soon as I have you."
"You should listen then," she repeated herself, "Listen to what I need from you. Tell me what you need from me. That's the only way to ensure we are what we are enough for each other."
You love me, you like her
"Bullshit!" James turned livid, slamming down his Butterbeer and causing a small amount to slush out of his cup. "Bullshit! You know how I feel about you. No other girl could compare to you. Under estimating how serious I am about being with you is something I could try to understand, but insinuating that I've looked at other girl- even once- in the past three years is complete and total bullshit."
Lily opened her mouth to protest, but decided against it. Maybe a small part of her just needed to her how much she meant to him. Maybe she was getting a little jealous of what wasn't rightfully hers. Either way, she left the topic alone.
You make me laugh
You make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
"I've made you cry?" Like a flip of a coin, angry James turned calm and comforting.
"Many times James, many times." Lily let out a soft, sad scoff as she looked down at he untouched mug. "You may think that watching other girls flirt with you should make me feel nothing, but when there's a fan club in your honor watching your every mood, and you give them the attention they desire, it hurts. It hurts to watch them laugh at your jokes they barely understand. It hurts to see them make you smile. Maybe I'm crazy- rightfully call me so- but it hurts to see them get attention I feel like I can only get in private rooms and midnight rendezvous."
"Lily," James reached over the table to pull her chin up, "I've only ever limited our interactions to those time because I wanted to make sure you never felt uncomfortable. I know how those girls get- their petty and they play dirty. I never wanted you to feel force to make a decision about me because they want you to define us. I wanted to give you time to make a decision."
Lily smiled softly, visibly sighing off the weight of her doubts.
Your friends they're jerks
When you act like them
Just know it hurts
"You love my friends!" James said defensively as they stood. Lily grabbed her coat off the back of her cahir, reaching into the pocket to find her money, but James just shoot her a glare as he dropped more than the appropriate amount of coins on the table.
"I do James, I do love them," She waved a thank you to the barmaid as she bundled up preparing for the cold. "But that doesn't mean you all can't be jerks when you're together. You have to admit that you and Sirius are the only two people that can make Remus Lupin look bad. When you all get into this 'us versus them' mentality about the whole school- whether it's girls who won't snog you, whatever house is tied for the cup or just Slytherins in general- you all are ruthless in your attempts to look better and be better. And there's some casualties in those fights."
"But never you!" James grabbed her jacket from her hand, walking behind her to help her into it. "Never you! The boys know you're untouchable."
"There's other ways to hurt me without being on the receiving end of a insult," Lily felt James hand linger on her shoulders as she fixed her scarf and tried to look calm. "For instance, I may not have slimy hair-"
"I haven't touched Snape since we returned to school!" James cut her off, turning around so she can face him. "Every time he tries to pull you into a corner to 'talk it out', every time he stares at you from across the classroom, every time he makes a comment about anyone's parents… I see how that hurts you Evans. I see it, and I force myself to walk away so you know I'm not the immature git I was at the lake. I've said away, you have to give me the credit I deserve with that because it's been really bloody hard not to defend you."
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you
James pulled Lily towards him, throwing his cloak over both of them and leading her into the tunnel. No matter how many times she's followed him down these tunnels, she still could not get used to the chill or the sounds. It reminded her of the tunnels in the horror stories her father used to read to her and Petunia every Halloween. Lily's eye stung with tears at the memory of her family- the warmth of their fireplace, the glow of Petunia's hair or the smell of her mother's famous cookies in the oven. When she received the owl that her parents had been killed, she has just returned to Hogwarts for the beginning of fall term. It was so difficult to have to return home for the funeral while everyone at school was buzzing with excitement over the start of their final year. She started her classes a week later than everyone else, and even then found herself have much more difficulty than normal focusing on her school work.
"Lily?" Her head shot up off the armrest of the chair she was sitting in. Hiding in the common room in the middle of the night was her more reliable way of coping these days. She could cry all night in an empty room, returning to her dorm while the sun was rising to shower and dress. Looking like you were coping was all anyone cared about anyway. What she didn't expect was to be barged in on just as she began falling apart.
"Potters," she tried to compose herself, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "What are you doing up this late?
James ignored her attempts to sound mean and uninterested, and instead crossed the room carrying a knitted blanket and a tray full of food. He pulled the closest ottoman directly in front her chair, sitting himself barely inches away from her. He put the tray on the table behind him, maneuvering himself so that he could wrap the blanket around her waist without seeming inappropriate. Lily sat still, feeling pretty empty despite James' soft touch and smell of vanilla. He tucked the blanket it, pulling back to plop the tray into her lap.
"Eat." He said, summing tissues from the other side of the room. Lily looked down at the tray- macaroni and cheese, her favorite. She hesitated, but the look on James' face told her that arguing for be a waste of time so she picked up the spoon and began eating. James waiting in between bits to wipe her tears off her face and soon she was full and clean.
"James-" she started, but he cut her off.
"Everyone deserves time," he started as he cleaned up the used tissue and tray, "Everyone gets time when someone dies. Especially when it's your parents. I will give you time. I will give you all the time you need. I will meet you here every night with a bowl of mac and cheese if that's what it takes to put you back together. But you cannot lie to me Lily. You might be able to fool your friends or the professor. But I know you. I know the spark in your eyes, the glow of your skin, the pinks of your cheeks. I've spent years memorizing what you look like angry or happy. Even sad. So you can't fool me. Please stop trying and just let me help you." He finished cleaning, tapping the tray with his wand to make it disappear and turning to face her. "Understand?"
Lily's stared back into his eyes, falling short on the words to respond. She felt numb watching him clean, but now that she had to look him in the face her mind became a little hazing. Somewhere, in the depths of all the mac and cheese, she began to feel herself grow warm.
"Okay."
"Good," James nodded, trying not to look shock that she didn't argue, "Good, now let's go back to bed."
It's awkward and its silent
As I wait for you to say
What I need to hear now
Your sincere apology
When you mean it I'll believe it
If you text it I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh, I'm not coming back
You're taking seven steps here
The walk back to the Gryffindor tower was silent- whether it was from the intensity of their earlier conversation or from fear of being spotted by a professor, Lily couldn't tell. She silently followed behind James, maintaining a distance that reminded him that their conversation was not over. He let her walk behind him through the castle and up the stairs, but once their reached the hallway leading to the Fat Lady he stopped short, turning quickly on his heel.
"I don't know what I'm apologizing for, but I'm sorry." His motions and words came so quickly, Lily walked straight into his chest, bouncing off her body and almost falling to the ground. Luckily James reached out to grab her elbows before she slipped, but it put her in the odd position of being held close to him.
"That sounds awfully like an apology for nothing." She wanted to stay angry, she wanted the upper hand but she knew she was wrong.
"I'm sorry you can't recognize that I'm trying here Lily. I'm trying to make myself better for you. Why can't you see that?"
Lily brushed her hair out of her face to look up at James. His pleading, beautiful eyes stared down and her and for a second she thought she lost her breath. No, she couldn't stay mad at him. Especially when she had no right to. She was the one that needed to apologize. And she knew how she would.
"I have one last list for you.." she started, walking down the hall towards the Common Room. James followed behind silently wondering 'What now?'.
And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the seven that I like
The seven things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes
"You like my hair?" James smiled, running his fingers through his hair. Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled. "And my eyes?" James battered his eyelashes, leaning very close to Lily's face. Lily groaned, pushing him away from her but laughing.
"I do. I like it when you get excited- your eyes get super wide and crazed." James scoffed, but Lily continued, "My favorite thing is when you've just won a Quidditch game, because you're hair is all windswept and your eyes are wide and you're constantly searching the field-"
"To find you," James clarified. Lily blushed.
"To find me," she whispered.
Your old Levis
"Muggle clothes just look so much better than wizardry robes!" Lily defended herself and James tried to hold in his giggles. "They just… so everything off better!"
"Everything?!" James' practically yelled, earning a hit on the arm and a shush. "What exactly have you been looking at Lily?!"
"Oh shut up you!"
When we kiss I'm hypnotized
"Remember when that happened?" James said dreamily, as if reliving the memory. Lily flushed, getting annoyed with how easily James could make her blush. She flopped pulled her legs up underneath her, staring into the fire. James tried to secretly move closer to where she was sitting, but she felt the weight of his body on the cushion next to her. She smiled as she remembered the memory.
"Evans, stop running!" James chased her into the castle, past the first and second years who were staring to stare. "I just wanna talk to you!"
"Maybe I don't want to talk to you!" Lily turned down a corridor known for it's abandoned classrooms. 'If I could just get away from this annoying git!' she thought.
"Well Lily, I need to talk to you so I'm gonna need you to sto-"
Lily turned into a classroom and James followed. The door slammed behind him as Lily turned quickly. "What Potter, what? What could you possibly want?"
James paused. Lily was standing so close, so close to him he could smell the scent of flowers and chocolate he knew she was sneaking in class. She was breathing heavy, her skin flushed and her eyes were staring deep into his eyes. She looked beautiful- passionate and wild and James was loving every second of it. Lily opened her mouth again, but by the time she could make a noise James had his fingers noted in the gorgeous hair, pulling her mouth to his.
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
"I'm just saying there was no way you were going to date anyone else after a kiss like this. I know for a fact that it was one of my best pieces of work." James puffed his chest a little, causing Lily to let out a belly deep laugh. James smiled as Lily gasped for air, leaning her head on his shoulder to caught he breath. James smiled down at her, wiping a tear from her cheek.
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined
Everything's alright
I wanna be with the one I know
"Lily, I promise-" James started, but Lily shushed him.
"No more promises," Lily reached into James lap to intertwine her fingers with his. "I fully recognized that you've been trying. You're trying to make things better, and I promise to do the same. You are exactly who I want to be with. Because I love you."
James froze, sucking in his breath. Lily stayed where she was, head on his shoulder. When she didn't say anything, didn't take it back, James moved quickly. He slide over Lily as she let out a giggle. Before she could speak, James leaned down to kiss her.
"See," James said, rubbing his nose against Lily, "I knew I had you."
And the seventh thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you
Hey guys!
It's been a very long time since I've finished a single fan fic.
Please let me know what you think!
JenSen