The Rules of Avengers Mansion
Hey there, folks! L1701E here! I was looking for some new ideas when I read this one fic called "Things Not to Do at Xavier's" by Amelia Glitter, and it inspired me! What would be the rules of living in Avengers Mansion in my version of the Misfit-verse? Find out here!
Disclaimer: All comic characters belong to Marvel Comics. Sonic Blue is mine.
And there came a day. A day unlike any other, when Earth's Mightiest Heroes found themselves united against a common threat. On that day, the Avengers were born – to fight the foes no single superhero could withstand! Heed the call for then – for now, the Avengers Assemble!
Earth's Mightiest Roster:
Captain America (Steve Rogers) – The Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty
Wasp (Janet Van Dyne) – Heroic shrinking heiress
Ant-Man (Hank Pym) – Size-changing scientist
Iron Man (Tony Stark) – Armored Avenger
Thor – Norse God of Thunder
Sonic Blue (Spencer Burton) – Steel-armored speedster of Cincinnati
Jubilee (Jubilation Lee) – Mutant mistress of fireworks
She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters) – Gamma-powered Amazon powerhouse
Hawkeye (Clint Barton) – Wise-cracking archer
Tigra (Greer Grant-Nelson) – Fun-loving feline Avenger
Avengers Mansion
Jarvis, the ever-loyal butler of the Avengers, walked along a corridor. He was humming. Under his arms, he carried a framed document. The Englishman then hung it on the wall, and walked away.
"There we go..." The butler smiled as he straightened it. "Now, I have to go prepare some of that mutton. Thor should be returning from the Xavier Institute, and he will be famished..." (1) The gray-haired balding butler walked away. A couple minutes later, a certain young Asian mutant was spotted walking along the corridor.
Jubilation Lee had the mutant power to create bursts of plasma in the form of "fireworks". She was also a former member of the X-Men.
I gotta meet Cap in the Playroom later. The dark-haired mutant remembered. He said I need to work on protecting my left flank. That's a funny word. Flank. Wolvie told me the same thing. Flank flank flank flank... She was eating a sandwich, and she happened to notice the document. "Hey, what's this?" She read the header. "Rules of the Mansion? I better get the others." A few minutes later, the rest of the younger Avengers were gathered around the document. They were all clad in their civvies.
"Ooh..." Tigra blinked. "Are we in trouble or something?"
"The old man must've put up some new guidelines or something." Clint rolled his eyes.
"Looks like Cap wrote this." Spencer recognized the letterhead.
"I guess this is because of that incident with the firework arrows." Jen smirked at the archer.
"Don't you dare pin it all on me, Green Jeans!" Clint argued, pointing at Jen. "It was Jubes's idea!"
"Hey, you were the one that got the bright idea to go see if those rumors about that 'Squirrel Girl' are true!" Jubilee argued.
"Don't start this again..." Spencer groaned.
"Yes, please." Greer begged, putting her fingers in her ears. "We're tired of hearing the arguing. Besides, it wasn't a complete disaster. You guys managed to literally stumble into Kang the Conqueror's latest scheme."
"I still don't know how you two managed to defeat Kang on your own." Jen frowned, crossing her arms.
"The fact he was drunk out of his mind helped." Clint smirked.
"That 30th century ale will do that to ya." Spencer nodded. "Anyway, what's the first rule?"
Rule #1) No charging into danger on your own if you can help it. Call for backup.
"I knew it! I knew that that rule had something to do with the fireworks and the arrows!" Jen whooped.
"Hey, we beat Kang on our own! We should've been rewarded!" An outraged Jubilee exclaimed.
"Oh yeah!" Clint agreed with a grin.
"You guys were lucky he was intoxicated." Spencer frowned. "If he was sober, you guys probably would be dead now."
"Spence, has anyone ever told you that you worry too much?" Clint frowned back.
"I'm just saying-!" The brown-haired genius tried to cut in.
"Don't worry, Spence." Jubilee reassured with a smile. "It won't happen again."
"Yeah. It will. I know you guys. Why didn't I stay in Cincinnati?" The pony-tailed young genius groaned.
Rule #2) If you want to try to cause trouble, please don't drag Spencer into it.
"Thank you!" Spencer raised his hands in the air in delight. "Thank you God! I owe you!"
"But...but..." Clint stammered in shock. "Spencer is our tech support! He's our gadget guy! He's our Q! We need our freakin' Q!"
"I never wanted to be your Q, Clint!" Spencer snapped.
"You need to experience life, my friend." Clint grinned, putting an arm around Spencer's shoulders. "You spend all your time in that lab."
"Because I keep hoping that I'll get left alone there." Spencer pushed Clint's arm off him. "You're as bad as Razor, man."
Rule #3) No stealing of anyone's credit cards.
"Last time, Wasp did it." Greer giggled. "It was funny."
"It wasn't funny for Doctor Pym. The credit card bill nearly gave him a heart attack." Spencer rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, I thought my shopping sprees ran up the bills." Jubilee whistled.
"Not to mention Spencer's comic book collecting on eBay." Clint added.
"Or my anime collection." Greer agreed.
"God bless eBay." Jen smiled. "I found some great used law books there."
"Look, why don't we all agree that we have expensive hobbies?" Spencer sighed.
Rule #4) No arrows in the walls or ceiling. We're tired of removing them.
"Okay, that one was directed at me." Clint grumbled.
"Hey look, he figured it out all by himself." Spencer snickered. "Now let's see if he can rub his tummy and pat his head at the same time."
"Not funny, Burton." Clint grumbled.
"You got a target program in the Playroom, Clint!" Jen complained. "You don't need to shoot arrows everywhere!"
"Hey, I was defending myself, Green Jeans!" Clint glared at Greer, who glared back.
"You shot my stuffed zebra!" Greer snapped. "Poor Mr. Stripey Horse..."
"You threw it at me!" Clint snapped back.
"You dumped paint on me!" Greer exclaimed.
"You hid all my arrows!" Clint yelled.
"Hey, knock it off!" Jen and Spencer moved to separate Clint and Greer.
"Geez, is there any woman on this team you haven't annoyed, Clint?" Spencer exclaimed in exasperation. "You're as bad as Razor!"
Rule #5) Hiding my shield is not funny.
"Yes it is." Clint snickered. "Besides, it helps keep the old man on his toes."
"Oh yeah, he found it hilarious when we had to brawl with Ultron and he didn't have his shield." Spencer rolled his eyes.
"Hee hee, Cap had you work out in the Playroom for five hours, Hawky." Greer giggled.
"Yeah." Jen snickered.
"Ah, shaddap. I still have bruises from it." Clint grumbled.
Rule #6) Clean up your messes. Jarvis would appreciate it.
"Oh, come on! It's what he's supposed to do!" Clint sighed.
"It's not a crime to help out once in a while!" Spencer told Clint. "I keep my lab and room clean."
"Because you can do it in a quarter-second, Mr. Iron Speedster!" Clint argued.
Rule #7) Do not call Xavier and ask him for Grey Poupon.
"That joke works on so many levels when it comes to that place." Clint snickered.
"What amazes me is that Cap doesn't get the joke." Jubilee agreed.
"He's from the 40s. They didn't have that joke back then." Jen chuckled.
Rule #8) Do not try to get Cyclops on the FBI Most Wanted List
"That was Razor's fault!" The younger Avengers all snapped.
"Although it was funny." Clint admitted.
Rule #9) Please leave all personal grudges outside when you go to the Playroom (2)
"Jen, Clint, we're looking at you." Jubilee snickered.
"Hey, she put my underwear on a flagpole!" Clint countered.
"He put mine on eBay!" Jen exclaimed.
"She took all my arrow gimmicks and made them useless!" Clint added.
"Because he posted entries from my diary on our MySpace!" Jen exclaimed.
"What started this?" Jubilee asked Spencer. The young hero shrugged.
"I dunno. Before my time too, Jubes." The genius told the Asian mutant.
"When Jenny joined up, Clint grabbed her butt." Greer explained. "They've been at it ever since."
"Not my fault she can't take a compliment." Clint grumbled, crossing his arms.
"You can compliment people without your hands, you perv!" The green-skinned gamma-powered Amazon snapped.
Rule #10) Jenny, cover yourself when you're done tanning. We don't need another incident.
"Oh, God..." An embarrassed Jenny groaned, covering her face with her hands and shaking her head.
"Oh, this I gotta hear." Jubilee snickered.
"Is this another Super Bowl thing?" Spencer groaned.
"No, it's more innocent than that." Clint snickered.
"Shulkie here was walking past the rec room in a bikini." Greer explained.
"I was working on my tan and I decided to hit the kitchen and get a drink." Jen sighed. "I didn't know that Cap was in the rec room with some old war buddies."
"Yeah, a bunch of old men in military uniforms." Clint snickered.
"Anyway, I was passing by, and I thought I'd say hi." Jen sighed.
"Evidently, Jennifer in a bikini tends to literally make guys go crazy." Clint laughed. "They hooted and hollered and catcalled and a couple of them even tried to ask her out!"
"One of the old guys saw me and had a heart attack on the spot." Jenny sighed.
"Yeah, he got better from the heart attack, didn't he?" Spencer blinked.
"Yup. He got better." Greer smiled. "Good as new."
"Oh, that's good." Spencer smiled.
"Avengers, get into costume. Training time begins in five minutes." Cap's voice was heard over an intercom.
"Oh, joy. Another training session." Clint rolled his eyes.
Hope you liked the little bit of insanity, folks! If I think of more, I'll post 'em!
(1) – Thor was busy helping the X-Men take care of some pancake monsters in "Theme Park Troubles"
(2) – The Playroom is the Avengers' equivalent of the X-Men's Danger Room